Thursday, December 31, 2009

Is it that time of year already?

"Another year, shot in the ass."
-- Bob "Mr. Daddy" Eolin

Fact:  I am not going to miss 2009.  

Fact: if I the New Year's Baby could let the door mightily hit 2009s ass on the way out, that would be absolutely fine with me.  

Fact:  I can be petty. 

As I sit in NYC, my new home for the last 12 days, I think about what I'd like to happen in my life in 2010.  Other than the usual items of timeless beauty, unlimited money and a spot as a guest judge Project Runway, here's what I came up with (and they are in no particular order so shut up about my priorities!):

*  That I stop saying "shut up." (Good luck...!)
*  Wear more hoodies because they make me feel like I'm wearing a hug
*  People realize there is no such thing as "too much kindness"  
*  Lots of great family time!
*  Getting tea on tap in my kitchen.  And my bedroom.  And next to my couch.  But not in the bathroom.  Even I have limits.
*  Patience with things I don't understand.  ("Things" range from other people's extreme views to bad fashion choices to figuring out how to shut off a new fangled alarm clock...)
*  More time with the television turned OFF
*  More painting 
*  More writing
*  Becoming more computer/tech savvy
*  Volunteering at a dog rescue 
*  Being a fab aunt to my "soon-to-arrive" nephew!
*  Being a better friend
*  Giving my senior dog, Matilda, another great year
*  Not being so hard on myself (unless I totally deserve it)
*  Start to learn a new language
*  Visit more museums
*  See more shows... all kinds!
*  Laughing!!

Oh sure - throw world peace in there, but I was actually going for things that have a shot at happening. (Maybe I should add: "Be less cynical" to my list?  Nah...)

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

May I introduce the New Clark Griswold!

My friend, Shannon, delights me to no end.  He's always up to something technologically advanced that I don't understand and he then has to explain to me like I'm 3.  And I still don't get it.

I'm lucky if I can change a light bulb and not singe something on my person.  Here's what this guy just casually put together for Christmas.  A complete light show choreographed to music. I didn't even put a wreath on my door. (Oh sure, I was moving from LA to NYC and technically didn't have a door, but its the principle of the statement.)

Behold - Clark Griswold for the new millennium!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Holiday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Santa Claus,

Okay, okay.  This letter is a little late.  I get it so you can stop with all that frowning and scowling.  Do you want beard lines, mister??  They don't make an Olay product for men of your age, you know.  (Perhaps you can get the elves to work on this?)

I have only one request this Christmas and it involves my mother.  Oh sure, she's a very well meaning lady and such... but she's INSISTING that we EAT BREAKFAST before opening presents.  I KNOW?!  Blasphemy, right??  So I'd like to ask that you put a little holiday nog in her stocking so that she forgets her silly decree and let's us act like the children we want to be.  (Or at least she lets ME be the child that I need to be.  That I usually am.  Who the hell are we kidding?  I never grew up, ergo the hoodies...) That would be ever so appreciated!

Candy Canes & Gum Drop Dreams,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I'd also like a five pound bag of money.
PPS - In hundreds.
PPPS - I'm kinda serious.


Dear Holiday Cookies,


Curves isn't just a gym,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Why isn't brocolli a good cookie ingredient?
PPS - Why is my metabolism slowing as I get older?
PPPS - Please don't answer that.
PPPPS - I cry easily.


Dear Post Christmas Sales,

OOOO!  My favorite time of year when everything is on extra special discount! FRUGAL FISTS!

However, I'd like to ask that fellow shoppers not trash the store whilst shopping for post-holiday delights.  I completely understand the thrill of finding a pair of pants that cost just $8, (SQUEEE!!!) but you need not throw all the ones that aren't your size on the floor while you sort frantically for your size.  You need not also bring your ENTIRE FAMILY out shopping if they aren't participating in the festivities.  Leave them at home with some hot chocolate and your inlaws.  For reals.  20 children running around a bra store while their weary grandparents and dad sleep pig-pile style on a tiny chaise is not a good time for me.  (Especially when they decide to stick their heads under the dressing room doors and witness the horror that is me trying on/cursing at a bra.  I'm just saying, the crying gets annoying after awhile...)

Oh one last thing: If people could just not fart in the dressing rooms and then leave it in there to steep into the walls like a fine tea, I'd be ever so appreciative.  I know we all over-do with the holiday eating (boy howdy!) and between the excitement and trying to fit into a size that we were before the holiday binge, I get it, you let one go.  But let's pre-plan this year and pop a Gas-X before the big shopping trip, okay? 

Discounts FTW,
Jennifer (Eolin)


Dear Blog Readers,

Thank you for letting me entertain you for yet another year! Thank you for letting me complain and whine as only a New Old Biddy can.  I look forward to annoying you in 2010 with my journeys in NYC.  We'll see if the city can survive me.  I'm a lot to handle. (Not that way, perv...)

Much joy and laughter to you all this holiday season!

Holiday fists!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Monday, December 7, 2009

NYC & "Assignment: Jennifer!" Project Runway "extras"!

I'm in my final days of packing for NYC.  Movers are here at 10am tomorrow.  I faint around 10:01am and am then left for dead at approximately 10:05am.  My roadtrip east starts Wednesday morning as does an inevitable radio silence from the internet as A) I can't blog while driving, B) my phone just makes phone calls and receives texts, C) if my hotel doesn't have free internet, I'm not paying for it cuz I'm a frugal biddy.

I will be "tweeting" from the road though (as my phone is capable of that).  You can follow me here to share in my journey.  (Disclaimer: Follow at your own risk.  I could tweet a lot or not very much.  You could get annoyed or fall madly in love with me.  This is a "you" problem to deal with.)

But before I leave, I wanted to give you the final "DVD Extras" for Assignment: Jennifer!  Find out some fun facts about Kojii and then hear what the models have to say about Project Runway.  

Happy December - next time I blog, I'll be in NYC!  :)

Extra #1:  How Kojii met The New Old Biddy

Extra #2:  Kojii's first "runway" experience...

Extra #3:  Kojii & her castle

Extra #4:  The Skinny

Friday, December 4, 2009

Real People in "Project Runway" Clothes (AKA: How to Lose Your Self-Worth in One Easy Outfit)

Sometimes, I shouldn't be adventurous.  I should stay a fuddy duddy biddy who likes to watch re-runs of "Law & Order" on TNT all day long whilst lounging comfortably in my Nerds Candy Jammie Bottoms and tank top.  But no.  I say, "Yes, and!" to things.  I have nobody to blame but myself for the events that occurred in my apartment this fair evening.

But to get to the present, we need to go in the "way-back machine" for a bit.

Let's float back in time to when life was a little easier and Project Runway was just getting started for the season.  Remember when Tim Gunn was put out of his element?

"I'm still not sure who to sue over this complete breach of footwear."

It was Episode 3 and hopes were still high for a good season.  It was the surf-wear challenge and I was really into this outfit by Irina & Johnny:

"Aren't I easy-breezy beautiful Covergirl in this outfit?
Oops - wrong model show."

I loved the causal-ness about it.  Loved the top.  Skirt looked fun and flouncy and light.  And the macrame (in the back not shown) is beautiful looking.  LOVE IT!

Well, my friend, Lauren, who is also a Project Runway enthusiast, bought this outfit during the online auction.  We were so excited!!  Happy fists!  (Tangent: the site said it would take 6-8 weeks to deliver.  In short: LIES!  It took 3908432049 years.  Okay, not that long, but she bought it in September and it JUST got here.  You do the math.  Even that new public school math.  Either works.) 

So Lauren showed up TODAY with the outfit and said: "Why don't you put it on?" I almost died.  AHHHH!  Super-duper excited dork fists!  My inner Tim Gunn swooned and said: "MAKE IT WORK!"  

"Thank goodness there's not a runway in my apartment.
I want a couch.  Not a runway.  A couch."

Ladies and gentlemen... I give you Johnny and Irina's outfit as interpreted by a gal (me) who is not 6' tall nor a size 0 or 2.  Voila...

Matilda: "Now I understand why Nina Garcia looks pissed all the time.  Woof."

I have a few things to say about this outfit (other than, "Jennifer Eolin should never wear this!!"):

1)  My arms are too "fat" to fit in the sleeves.  So I (desperately) had to make them into a jaunty scarf/handkerchief combo. Yiiiikes.
2)  Okay, so I enjoyed Thanksgiving a little bit, SHUUUUUUP!
3)  The skirt weighs 39084309438039483 pounds and adds a ton of bulk to my midsection, which seems to be creating bulk just fine on its own.  (See item #2)
4)  OMG.  Even Matida, in her adorable pink hoodie, is horrified and listed herself on Petfinder as "up for adoption."  

"So," you may be asking yourself, "can it get any worse?"  Oh yes, dear blog reader, why yes it can.... 

"Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.  Does this make my bottom look big?"

WOW.  I'm a size 4, people.  (Okay, maybe on the cusp of a size 6 [no] thanks to Thanksgiving!)  But other than some awesome calf muscles (squee!), this outfit, no matter the fit, is a miss.  NOBODY needs this much skirt.  And the hem is weird - it's shorter in the back than front (which us biddies look at as a bad thing).

But here... because I'm not totally done humiliating myself....


Sigh..............  I look like a tied up pork roast.  (Which actually doesn't all together horrify me - mmm, bacon!)

But in the spirit of Tim Gunn, I make one more attempt to make this work...

"I can hear Kojii, Katie and Fatma laughing at me from here..."

"Pissed fists!"

So then, because I'm a spiteful wench, I made my friend, Lauren, put it on.  Now.  People.  I must warn you. Lauren is very ugly.  VERY UGLY.  So keep that in mind when looking at her:

"Thank goodness I have a wonderful personality."

I warned you!  HIDEOUS, right???

She's a size 2 for real, so the skirt fits her better, but still, it's got so much bulk in it.  And she had to struggle to get her pin thin arms in those sleeves (which honestly could double as a blood pressure cuff).  But then she turned around and well let's just say things got worse:

"I can't 'smize' with my butt."

In short, neither of us liked this outfit in the back.  Bubble butts for sure.  No matter the (awkward) pose.  But we both agree that the macrame in back is truly beautiful (when not stretched to the max over my back fat):

"See, this is what it should look like.
Maybe Jennifer should lay off the bacon..."

So then for kicks, Lauren tried it on with her jeans just to see if it was better without the skirt:

Lauren does her best impression of the balloon
man outside the local cell phone store.

STILL WIDE.  The hips are wide due to the way the band at the bottom has a double layer of fabric. If it was a single layer, it wouldn't lay as bulky.  Oh sure, neither Lauren and I are the "correct size" for this garment, but still.  Anybody over a size 00 needs just a single layer of fabric.  And shorter sleeves.  Seriously.  

But some points of interest on the garment, since it's sold "as is" are the damages that come with it:

Lauren's armpit is now SAG eligible.

Who's fault is this?  Steamer?  Double sided tape?

I can only imagine what Johnny and Irina would say after seeing this blog:

Johnny: "I hate Jennifer Eolin."
Irina: "Me too."
Logan (off-screen): "ME THREE!"

Go to MyLifetime for more Project Runway extras!

Follow me on Twitter!
Watch "Assignment: Jennifer!" featuring Project Runway models: Kojii, Katie and Fatma!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Craig's List = Freak Magnet

For any of you following me on Facebook, you know that 1) I'm moving to NYC next week, 2) I have a lot of stuff and 3) I'm prone to panic about not being able to sell all my stuff.  In short, I'm a hopping good time these days.  HOPPING.

So I've posted a ton of things on Craig's List in hopes of selling them off and finding my things new homes.  What I did not expect from Craig's List, maybe because I'm a naive biddy as well as a new old one, is the CRAZY emails I would get that have nothing to do with my stuff that's for sale.  

The following is my favorite which arrived this morning.  I have yet to understand it.  But I do giggle at it.

Hi there

I sttarted at your statement on craigslst and so though you'd be interested in this newsletter. That aid me produce dollars on line. You'll never have to deal certain thing on crqgslist,as she and me. Trust me Im an ordinary guy like you and I was usually in denile about these stuiped schemes until I gave it a try. I let you see by yourself.


There are many things about this letter that delight me:

1)  I never made a statement on Craig's List other than, "Please by my stuff so I don't curl up in the fetal position."

2)  I adore the fact that Craig's List is misspelled throughout.

3)  "She and me."  

4)  I am not an ordinary guy!  Assuming such a thing, sir, just makes an ass out of you and me.  (Or she and me... depending.)

5)  "Denile" isn't just a river in Africa apparently.

So now I'm torn between wanting to sell my stuff and wanting to keep it online so I can receive more humorous emails.  Oh the trials and tribulations of a jackassy and panicked biddy...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving Odds & Ends

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  I ate too much.  I will not be eating for a week, at best.  Possibly a month.  Or a year.  All I can say is: "Pumpkin cheesecake for the win!"  :)

I wanted to take this time to thank all of you for your continued support over the year.  "The New Old Biddy" has grown by leaps and bounds thanks to you guys!  I never would have been able to make "Assignment: Jennifer!" without all your Project Runway blog love.  And now, because of all the momentum you guys have given me, I've finally been able to open a New Old Biddy Cafe Press Store!  It has a ton of things that delight me with graphics from "Assignment: Jennifer!"  

Happy holidays! And may you find your inner biddy and celebrate her!  (Fellas, find your inner codger.  Sexy!)

Happy fists!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 14 - Finally, The Finale is OVER!


* Jennifer was severely bored by Season 6 of Project Runway.
* Jennifer knows she CAN NOT do any better than the Season 6 designers.
* And Jennifer REALLY knows she can't be a model.  Boy howdy.

* Jennifer DOES believe she can do better producing.

* There.
* I said it.
* Neener neener.


Last week on Project Runway:

Papa Gunn makes bisquits in a sexy apron with Carol Hannah.
Then he meets Princess.  And her dog, Princess.
Then he single-handedly brings the word "Egads!" back into current vernacular.
Carol Hannah is sick, but not trendy enough to get Swine Flu.
The designers are not at all surprised by having to construct a 13th look.
And nothing else matters.


YAWN.  Is it finally over?  Is it?? Or am I just in a badly inspired Dallas dream and when I wake up, we will only be on the scintillating "make something in blue" challenge?

"I'm an old reference, but solid.
Because it's morning."


Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Assignment: Jennifer!" Episode 2 - Project Runway Part 2

The conclusion to "Assignment: Jennifer!" is up for viewing!  Happy fists!

Will Jennifer be able to face the runway?  Will Kojii be a proud coach?  WHO ARE the guest judges?  Find out NOW!

(PS - this episode is in high def - so let it load, THEN hit play.  Yeah, I spelled it out for you.  Cuz I'm awesome and junk.)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 13 - Finale Part 1 of 2

My goodness... hasn't this season flown by?  (No.  NO it hasn't.)

Finally, we are in "finale-mode" on Project Runway.  I have to say... it's been a rough season, but I'm really on board for the final episode.  I want to see these collections!

Read my blog here.  It's full of jackassery.  Cuz I'm good at it. 

Happy fists!  :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

"Assignment: Jennifer!" Episode 1 - "Project Runway"

For those of you who know me, it comes as no surprise that my first webseries episode focuses on my fave show to blog about, Project Runway.

Please enjoy the show! (And if you don't enjoy it, I don't care. I had a blast. So neener.)


Assignment: Jennifer! Episode 1: Project Runway from Jennifer Eolin on Vimeo.


If you are having trouble viewing the hi-def version above, try the LOW RES version here.

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 12 - "Predictable"

It's a week late.... but really, did anything that un-expected happen last week? Hmmm?

Read my blog here!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Models of the Runway Round-Up - Episode 11 - DAMMIT PART 2



Pissed fists.

All my opinions are here for your reading anger. BOOOOOOO!


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 11 - "DAMMIT!"


I obviously didn't like the outcome of Project Runway this week. Read about my disgust here.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Models of the Runway Round-Up - Episode 10 - "When Irish Eyes Are Smilin'"

Phew. I almost didn't make it there this week, kids. Almost didn't get this done. When did being unemployed become SO TIME CONSUMING???

Enjoy the blog!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Project Runway - Episode 10 - "Inspiration Point"

Oh is Project Runway still on? Really? Hasn't it ended?

Check out the snooze-fest here! (But I make it bearable. I promise.)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tokyo 2010 Ready To Wear Line OR: Lost in Translation

How to prepare to read this blog:

* Realize that Jennifer (Eolin) specializes in all types of jackassery.

* Do not take her seriously!!

* If you don't recognize these facts, that's a "you" problem
and not even Tim Gunn can help you.

* So neener-neener, people!


As I sit in my varsity t-shirt from high school and jammie bottoms with my unbrushed hair, I wonder out loud, "How the hell am I single?!" I know, right?? So to make myself feel better about my un-loved status (even though I'm a "pre-loved" and have the divorce papers to prove it!) I like to look at the fashion shows going on around the world and criticize the ugly. (It's cheaper than Prozac. Shut up.)

Right now, Tokyo is having their Ready To Wear Fashion Week. HAHHAAHA! "Ready to Wear." Oh those Tokyo-ians are adorable that way.

So I've nuked myself some green tea, put on my "judgement jodhpurs" (which are not to be confused with my "bossy boots") and am ready to present the worst of the worst to you, since it's what I do best. (Mostly. Ahem. My mother reads this...)


"Yes, I'm wearing Target sheer curtains as a skirt.
What? It worked for Scarlett O'Hara and that Mary Poppins woman
when she was a nun lady in that Alps place."

"Like my blue socks?
This drab un-sexy outfit will give you something
blue too..."

Monday, October 19, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 9 - Mackie Attackie

This is sooooooooo late. I'm so sorry. I'll try not to have a life anymore. I'll try to stop being so damn popular and demanded. I'll also try to get this ego in check. (Jennifer, you are single, broke and you need to do laundry.) See, ego checked!


Friday, October 16, 2009

Letters From Jennifer...

Dear Disneyland,

Sweet rodents without pants! What do you put in your churros to make them so heavenly sweet? Is it wrong that I dream about your sugary delish? Is it wrong that want to set the box I bought at the grocery store on fire because they taste like disappointment on a Tuesday afternoon? Is it wrong that I'm just THIS dorky? (Don't answer that. It's rhetorical and I know the answer.)

Please, Disneyland, find a way to market your churros outside of the Most Expensive Place on Earth. Please find a way to make this sweet biddy happy. It's the only sugar she gets.

Small worlds, big appetites,
Jennifer (Eolin)


Dear Retail Store,

Twas the morn before Labor Day, when all through the store,

people were shopping for bargains galore!

The sale signs were hung on their racks with care,

in hopes that suckers would soon buy their wares.

And my friend with her purse, and I in one of my hoodies,

had just set out hunting for end of summer goodies.

When over in Lawn Care there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from Women's Wear to see what was the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but a big ol’ sleigh and… eight plastic reindeer...?

I quickly looked over and said to my friend,

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it, like, Labor Day Weekend?"

And then in a twinkling I heard over a speaker,
the electronic stylings of Manheim Steamroller.

My eyes, how they reddened. My knuckles, stiffly cracking!

My temper like a flare gun, and my tact severely lacking.

I tracked down a manager, “Why so early?!”

To which he chirped, “To make a profit, surely!”

Then I jumped in my car, and revved the engine a spell.

My holiday spirit had gone straight to hell.

And they heard me exclaim as I drove out of sight:

"Early Christmas decorations are a blight!"

Buy a calendar!

Jennifer Eolin


Dear Project Runway Readers,

Ooopsie. I was out until about 3am last night and haven't even STARTED to watchProject Runway / Models of the Runway yet.

I know some of you are worried about me, "Jennifer (Eolin), when did you get so busy? Aren't you usually home nursing a bucket of pudding and crying into your soup?" (Shut up, I'm hungry.) And it's true! Yes, usually I am. However, this fall has been quite hopping and I have many projects up in the air and truth be told, if this biddy is going to be able to afford to stay in LA, the other projects need attention!

So hopefully, you can wait until Sunday/Monday for the blog. I'm off to watch now. I hope it doesn't make me angry. However, I'm sure it will.

Make it work!

PS - Buy more pudding.
PPS - Buy diet pudding.
PPPS - Buy a side order of dignity.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 8 - The First Wives Club

I know, this Round-Up is late. But you may still enjoy. (Aren't I awesome that way?)

Carry on!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fall Essentials for a New Old Biddy

Elle Magazine put out an article titled "Fall A to Zee" which has all the "essentials" for autumn. Now while I see the merits of "buckles" and "houndstooth purses," I thought that maybe a more realistic list was in order for those of us who have more on our minds than "Where am I buying my puffy vest this season?" (Answer: Old Navy. Natch.)

Fall A to Z Essentials for New Old Biddies:

A – Application forms for jobs that are posted online just to make the EEOC requirements but really, they are hiring a friend or from within the company. And you know this, but yet, you fill out the form like you have an actual shot at getting the job. Stupid optimism.

B – Bossy Boots. They are in every good New Old Biddy’s arsenal because as every biddy knows, sometimes you gotta put on your bossy boots or nothing gets done.

C – Catty comments to yell at the television and at people who can’t drive well.

D – Dogs! Rescue a pooch from a shelter today. While a dog will increase your monthly bills, rescuing a precious pooch will increase your karma and the amount of dog hair on your carpet.

E – Extra cash. You ALWAYS have something stashed somewhere. OH sure, it’s 3 nickels covered in lint at the bottom of your purse, but that’s extra cash, despite it’s paltry value.

F – Fashion magazines to accurately understand how behind the times you are, yet to ogle at Avril Levigne’s new hoodie line. Sigh…

G – Grenadine for Shirley Temples and Roy Rogers. Delish! (Use diet soda for us biddies who are watching our girlish figures…)

H – Happy fists & hoodies! (These are self explanatory.)

I – Invest in your purpose in life, in your friends and in causes that make you happy. Dump the rest. Those are outvestments that don’t deserve a New Old Biddy’s time.

J – Jasmine Green Tea. It’s this biddy’s fave. Trader Joe’s has it in whole leaf bags! Accessible to the masses and good for stocking in your office drawer.

K – Kegels. Hubba hubba.

L – Love. Know the difference between love and lust. Lust is good, love is better.

M – MEN. NO MORE BOYS. Just men. Emotional midgets, although an “m” word, need not apply.

N – Neoprene dress. HAHHA! I kid! Who needs that other than Nina Garcia?

O – Optimism. Even though it can be stupid (see “A”), its necessary. Like a good salve.

P – Project Runway! Perfect for autumn as Disco Pumpkins are all the rage this season…

Q – Questions. Never stop asking questions. If you do, you really aren’t as smart as you think you are. And a good biddy will alert you to this fact.

R – Red shoes. You know why. (And yes, I have some!)

S – Sass. Sometimes, it’s the only way to get through the day…

T – TiVo! A biddy’s dependable date on a lonely night…

U – Universal remote. A good biddy HATES clutter and too many remotes is just angering. WHICH DOES WHAT?! WHY?!? (I have issues…)

V – Vegetables. Eat ‘em, you’ll be a pretty biddy longer.

W – WINE! Yum!! Buy your own bottle and have your fellow biddies over for a Recession Era Happy Hour.

X – Xanax.

Y – Youthful attitude. The mark of a new old biddy is embracing their advancing age while still holding onto their youth. It’s a wonderful balance when done correctly. It’s a great embarrassment when done poorly.

Z – Zingers. Both the quips and the snack cake. NOM!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 6 "It's Not Easy Being Green"

It's Friday and that means I spent all day writing my Project Runway blog. Enjoy!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"Ready To Wear" - Part II

I had more to say... Yeah. Shocker.

"Ready To Wear 2010" - Part II: The Good, The Even ... - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer... Shared via AddThis

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Ready To Wear? Maybe to a Star Trek convention...

Oy. Well designers are putting outfits on the runway and calling them "Ready to Wear." Um... sure. I really don't think so, peeps. Check it out:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Letters From Jennifer...

September 15, 2009
After dinner...

Dear Unemployment,

Hello! I'd ask how you are, but since you've been couch crashing at my place for the past 4 1/2 months, I know exactly how you are. (And you need a shower.) Simply put, Unemployment: You've overstayed your welcome.

Granted, like a nerd on prom night, I couldn't wait to get my hands on you last May. You with your enticements of "free time," "sleeping in" and "shopping at Target while its empty instead of the weekend when every idiot takes their entire family out to buy a box of Band-Aids." You got me like the Fox News gets middle America. Hook. Line. Sinker.

But now, unemployment, I find you... annoying. Oh sure, my dog Matilda LOVES you, but don't let that fool you. She also loves my not-so-good-friend, Migraine, as well because Migraine likes to keep me on the couch for days at a time, which for Matilda means 'round the clock snuggles. (I know, my dog is co-dependent, that's a separate letter, Unemployment. This letter is about YOU.)

Anyhoo... I'd like to suggest that you move along from here. Get out. Pack your bags. Find some other sap who finds your "free time" alluring. Oh and you can shove it where the unemployment check don't shine. Just for funsies.

Will work for dignity,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - If you could at least wash the dishes in the sink, I'd let you stay.


Dear Guy at Subway,

Oh my stars, aren't you a prize? Who am I, you ask? I was the girl in the yogurt shop watching your incredible disregard for all other human beings around you.

First of all, I'd like to commend you on your outfit. Orange flowered shorts and a blue t-shirt with slippers. Dude. You either have major balls or no brain. (Either way, you probably need a trip to the doctor.)

Second, I loved the way you bussed your own table. The COMPLETE disregard you had for a person's food left on the table at the time was just... amazingly douchey. I loved the way you just shoved the cup filled with soda du jour off the table with your LA Times, thus spilling said drink all over the sidewalk and the pant cuffs of 3 LARGE males sitting next to you. THAT. WAS. AWESOME.

Third, I loved the way you told them it wasn't your fault as though you did nothing outside the norm. Sir, I assert you should be on
Cheaters. You totally reminded me of a typical scene at the end of the show where Joey Grecco busts in on the cheating guy having (crazy) sex with his date and then claims to not know her and then yells at his girlfriend, "Why are you following me, bitch?!" Yeah. You're definitely that guy. (Oh wait, you have to be able to date. Awww, sorry, nerdlet. Moving on...)

Fourth, you ordered a LETTUCE SANDWICH. Swear on a stack of Olay Regenerist products, it was a LETTUCE SANDWICH. And you ate it with a ferociousness I can't explain...

Do us all a favor and get a clue? Kthanksbye.

I eat protein!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - The way you hit on that woman who walked by was pretty awesome. Yelling at her. Nice touch. So romantic. And the flapping arm. Really hot.
PPS - My friend and I walked by and did not receive the same response as the (not as pretty) woman did. WTF?! Asshat. We are quality females. But then again, you like lettuce sandwiches...
PP PS - Please don't procreate.


Dear Skinny Jeans,

OHMIGODILOVEYOU! Thank you for waiting for me to come back to you. And thank you for not calling me fat. I was just more body than you could handle at the time, right?

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I ate muffin mix with a spoon tonight.
PPS - Please still fit tomorrow.
PP PS - I'm not kidding.
PP PPS - I'm sorta fragile and I'm against vomiting.


Dear French Music,

I can't get enough of you. I listen to you all the time. All day long even. Edith Piaf is my fave. As is Charles Trenet. I can listen to "Milord" and "Boum" a million times a day. (Seriously. A million. This is not hyperbole.)

However, I have NO idea what any of you are saying. And I am VERY worried that I look like this bopping around my apartment: NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK!!!!! USE HEADPHONES!

Sigh. Oui?

I like cheese!
Jennifer (Eolin)


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