Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Models of the Runway Round-Up - Episode 10 - "When Irish Eyes Are Smilin'"

Phew. I almost didn't make it there this week, kids. Almost didn't get this done. When did being unemployed become SO TIME CONSUMING???

Enjoy the blog!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Project Runway - Episode 10 - "Inspiration Point"

Oh is Project Runway still on? Really? Hasn't it ended?

Check out the snooze-fest here! (But I make it bearable. I promise.)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tokyo 2010 Ready To Wear Line OR: Lost in Translation

How to prepare to read this blog:

* Realize that Jennifer (Eolin) specializes in all types of jackassery.

* Do not take her seriously!!

* If you don't recognize these facts, that's a "you" problem
and not even Tim Gunn can help you.

* So neener-neener, people!


As I sit in my varsity t-shirt from high school and jammie bottoms with my unbrushed hair, I wonder out loud, "How the hell am I single?!" I know, right?? So to make myself feel better about my un-loved status (even though I'm a "pre-loved" and have the divorce papers to prove it!) I like to look at the fashion shows going on around the world and criticize the ugly. (It's cheaper than Prozac. Shut up.)

Right now, Tokyo is having their Ready To Wear Fashion Week. HAHHAAHA! "Ready to Wear." Oh those Tokyo-ians are adorable that way.

So I've nuked myself some green tea, put on my "judgement jodhpurs" (which are not to be confused with my "bossy boots") and am ready to present the worst of the worst to you, since it's what I do best. (Mostly. Ahem. My mother reads this...)


"Yes, I'm wearing Target sheer curtains as a skirt.
What? It worked for Scarlett O'Hara and that Mary Poppins woman
when she was a nun lady in that Alps place."

"Like my blue socks?
This drab un-sexy outfit will give you something
blue too..."

Monday, October 19, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 9 - Mackie Attackie

This is sooooooooo late. I'm so sorry. I'll try not to have a life anymore. I'll try to stop being so damn popular and demanded. I'll also try to get this ego in check. (Jennifer, you are single, broke and you need to do laundry.) See, ego checked!


Friday, October 16, 2009

Letters From Jennifer...

Dear Disneyland,

Sweet rodents without pants! What do you put in your churros to make them so heavenly sweet? Is it wrong that I dream about your sugary delish? Is it wrong that want to set the box I bought at the grocery store on fire because they taste like disappointment on a Tuesday afternoon? Is it wrong that I'm just THIS dorky? (Don't answer that. It's rhetorical and I know the answer.)

Please, Disneyland, find a way to market your churros outside of the Most Expensive Place on Earth. Please find a way to make this sweet biddy happy. It's the only sugar she gets.

Small worlds, big appetites,
Jennifer (Eolin)


Dear Retail Store,

Twas the morn before Labor Day, when all through the store,

people were shopping for bargains galore!

The sale signs were hung on their racks with care,

in hopes that suckers would soon buy their wares.

And my friend with her purse, and I in one of my hoodies,

had just set out hunting for end of summer goodies.

When over in Lawn Care there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from Women's Wear to see what was the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but a big ol’ sleigh and… eight plastic reindeer...?

I quickly looked over and said to my friend,

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it, like, Labor Day Weekend?"

And then in a twinkling I heard over a speaker,
the electronic stylings of Manheim Steamroller.

My eyes, how they reddened. My knuckles, stiffly cracking!

My temper like a flare gun, and my tact severely lacking.

I tracked down a manager, “Why so early?!”

To which he chirped, “To make a profit, surely!”

Then I jumped in my car, and revved the engine a spell.

My holiday spirit had gone straight to hell.

And they heard me exclaim as I drove out of sight:

"Early Christmas decorations are a blight!"

Buy a calendar!

Jennifer Eolin


Dear Project Runway Readers,

Ooopsie. I was out until about 3am last night and haven't even STARTED to watchProject Runway / Models of the Runway yet.

I know some of you are worried about me, "Jennifer (Eolin), when did you get so busy? Aren't you usually home nursing a bucket of pudding and crying into your soup?" (Shut up, I'm hungry.) And it's true! Yes, usually I am. However, this fall has been quite hopping and I have many projects up in the air and truth be told, if this biddy is going to be able to afford to stay in LA, the other projects need attention!

So hopefully, you can wait until Sunday/Monday for the blog. I'm off to watch now. I hope it doesn't make me angry. However, I'm sure it will.

Make it work!

PS - Buy more pudding.
PPS - Buy diet pudding.
PPPS - Buy a side order of dignity.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 8 - The First Wives Club

I know, this Round-Up is late. But you may still enjoy. (Aren't I awesome that way?)

Carry on!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fall Essentials for a New Old Biddy

Elle Magazine put out an article titled "Fall A to Zee" which has all the "essentials" for autumn. Now while I see the merits of "buckles" and "houndstooth purses," I thought that maybe a more realistic list was in order for those of us who have more on our minds than "Where am I buying my puffy vest this season?" (Answer: Old Navy. Natch.)

Fall A to Z Essentials for New Old Biddies:

A – Application forms for jobs that are posted online just to make the EEOC requirements but really, they are hiring a friend or from within the company. And you know this, but yet, you fill out the form like you have an actual shot at getting the job. Stupid optimism.

B – Bossy Boots. They are in every good New Old Biddy’s arsenal because as every biddy knows, sometimes you gotta put on your bossy boots or nothing gets done.

C – Catty comments to yell at the television and at people who can’t drive well.

D – Dogs! Rescue a pooch from a shelter today. While a dog will increase your monthly bills, rescuing a precious pooch will increase your karma and the amount of dog hair on your carpet.

E – Extra cash. You ALWAYS have something stashed somewhere. OH sure, it’s 3 nickels covered in lint at the bottom of your purse, but that’s extra cash, despite it’s paltry value.

F – Fashion magazines to accurately understand how behind the times you are, yet to ogle at Avril Levigne’s new hoodie line. Sigh…

G – Grenadine for Shirley Temples and Roy Rogers. Delish! (Use diet soda for us biddies who are watching our girlish figures…)

H – Happy fists & hoodies! (These are self explanatory.)

I – Invest in your purpose in life, in your friends and in causes that make you happy. Dump the rest. Those are outvestments that don’t deserve a New Old Biddy’s time.

J – Jasmine Green Tea. It’s this biddy’s fave. Trader Joe’s has it in whole leaf bags! Accessible to the masses and good for stocking in your office drawer.

K – Kegels. Hubba hubba.

L – Love. Know the difference between love and lust. Lust is good, love is better.

M – MEN. NO MORE BOYS. Just men. Emotional midgets, although an “m” word, need not apply.

N – Neoprene dress. HAHHA! I kid! Who needs that other than Nina Garcia?

O – Optimism. Even though it can be stupid (see “A”), its necessary. Like a good salve.

P – Project Runway! Perfect for autumn as Disco Pumpkins are all the rage this season…

Q – Questions. Never stop asking questions. If you do, you really aren’t as smart as you think you are. And a good biddy will alert you to this fact.

R – Red shoes. You know why. (And yes, I have some!)

S – Sass. Sometimes, it’s the only way to get through the day…

T – TiVo! A biddy’s dependable date on a lonely night…

U – Universal remote. A good biddy HATES clutter and too many remotes is just angering. WHICH DOES WHAT?! WHY?!? (I have issues…)

V – Vegetables. Eat ‘em, you’ll be a pretty biddy longer.

W – WINE! Yum!! Buy your own bottle and have your fellow biddies over for a Recession Era Happy Hour.

X – Xanax.

Y – Youthful attitude. The mark of a new old biddy is embracing their advancing age while still holding onto their youth. It’s a wonderful balance when done correctly. It’s a great embarrassment when done poorly.

Z – Zingers. Both the quips and the snack cake. NOM!


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