Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fall Essentials for a New Old Biddy

Elle Magazine put out an article titled "Fall A to Zee" which has all the "essentials" for autumn. Now while I see the merits of "buckles" and "houndstooth purses," I thought that maybe a more realistic list was in order for those of us who have more on our minds than "Where am I buying my puffy vest this season?" (Answer: Old Navy. Natch.)

Fall A to Z Essentials for New Old Biddies:

A – Application forms for jobs that are posted online just to make the EEOC requirements but really, they are hiring a friend or from within the company. And you know this, but yet, you fill out the form like you have an actual shot at getting the job. Stupid optimism.

B – Bossy Boots. They are in every good New Old Biddy’s arsenal because as every biddy knows, sometimes you gotta put on your bossy boots or nothing gets done.

C – Catty comments to yell at the television and at people who can’t drive well.

D – Dogs! Rescue a pooch from a shelter today. While a dog will increase your monthly bills, rescuing a precious pooch will increase your karma and the amount of dog hair on your carpet.

E – Extra cash. You ALWAYS have something stashed somewhere. OH sure, it’s 3 nickels covered in lint at the bottom of your purse, but that’s extra cash, despite it’s paltry value.

F – Fashion magazines to accurately understand how behind the times you are, yet to ogle at Avril Levigne’s new hoodie line. Sigh…

G – Grenadine for Shirley Temples and Roy Rogers. Delish! (Use diet soda for us biddies who are watching our girlish figures…)

H – Happy fists & hoodies! (These are self explanatory.)

I – Invest in your purpose in life, in your friends and in causes that make you happy. Dump the rest. Those are outvestments that don’t deserve a New Old Biddy’s time.

J – Jasmine Green Tea. It’s this biddy’s fave. Trader Joe’s has it in whole leaf bags! Accessible to the masses and good for stocking in your office drawer.

K – Kegels. Hubba hubba.

L – Love. Know the difference between love and lust. Lust is good, love is better.

M – MEN. NO MORE BOYS. Just men. Emotional midgets, although an “m” word, need not apply.

N – Neoprene dress. HAHHA! I kid! Who needs that other than Nina Garcia?

O – Optimism. Even though it can be stupid (see “A”), its necessary. Like a good salve.

P – Project Runway! Perfect for autumn as Disco Pumpkins are all the rage this season…

Q – Questions. Never stop asking questions. If you do, you really aren’t as smart as you think you are. And a good biddy will alert you to this fact.

R – Red shoes. You know why. (And yes, I have some!)

S – Sass. Sometimes, it’s the only way to get through the day…

T – TiVo! A biddy’s dependable date on a lonely night…

U – Universal remote. A good biddy HATES clutter and too many remotes is just angering. WHICH DOES WHAT?! WHY?!? (I have issues…)

V – Vegetables. Eat ‘em, you’ll be a pretty biddy longer.

W – WINE! Yum!! Buy your own bottle and have your fellow biddies over for a Recession Era Happy Hour.

X – Xanax.

Y – Youthful attitude. The mark of a new old biddy is embracing their advancing age while still holding onto their youth. It’s a wonderful balance when done correctly. It’s a great embarrassment when done poorly.

Z – Zingers. Both the quips and the snack cake. NOM!


  1. Elle knows that i'm essential!!

  2. I've written them a letter to clear up that confusion. (OH SNAP!) ;)

  3. OhMYGod, now I really want snack cakes! Damn you, biddy!!

  4. ME TOO! I love Zingers and haven't had them in ages. Used to get them all the time as a kid. Sigh...

  5. I would like a Ring Ding myself. Fresh from the freezer, NOM!!!

  6. Think the Red Shoes would work for me?

  7. Ed - maybe? ;)

    My Mom made her own alphabet and sent it to me. I wanted to share cuz it's awesome. (A few things to understand first: Sprout = my sister, Sara, is 3 months pregnant and calls her baby Sprout; Wilbur is my parents dog; Beans is my sister's dog.)

    A is for April - Sprout's month maybe
    B is for baby booties - because they are cute
    C is for California - you are the only good thing about that state
    D is for Dee - ME!
    E is for Eolin - what else
    F is for Fall Color - really pretty here today
    G is for Girls - my two little baby in the world
    H is for Happy - gotta have some Happy every day
    I is for I - me again!
    J is for Jennifer - of course
    K is for kisses - lots and lots of kisses
    L is for Lima Beans - HA HA HA!
    M is for Mommy - that's me again
    N is for nice weather - so I can drive
    O is for Operations - and to never having to have any more ever again
    P is for pumpkins - and not kicking them
    Q is for Questions - always important to ask
    R is for Rutabagas - because it is a funny word
    S is for Sara and Sam - our favorite couple
    T is for Thunderstorms - which don't bother me anymore...hit the stupid radio tower, I don't care
    U is for Underwear - may it always be clean and hidden from Beans
    W is for Wilbur - what else
    X is for X-rays - and lets never have one again
    Y is for Yummy Cookies - which make me fat but who cares
    Z is for Zingers - haven't had one of them in good

  8. Oh, these made me smile this morning! :o)

  9. I love that I am wearing a puffy vest, just got home from the pumpkin patch (and yes I did think "disco pumpkin" while I was there) and thought Zingers were quick witted comebacks!



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