Fall Essentials for a New Old Biddy

Elle Magazine put out an article titled "Fall A to Zee" which has all the "essentials" for autumn. Now while I see the merits of "buckles" and "houndstooth purses," I thought that maybe a more realistic list was in order for those of us who have more on our minds than "Where am I buying my puffy vest this season?" (Answer: Old Navy. Natch.)

Fall A to Z Essentials for New Old Biddies:

A – Application forms for jobs that are posted online just to make the EEOC requirements but really, they are hiring a friend or from within the company. And you know this, but yet, you fill out the form like you have an actual shot at getting the job. Stupid optimism.

B – Bossy Boots. They are in every good New Old Biddy’s arsenal because as every biddy knows, sometimes you gotta put on your bossy boots or nothing gets done.

C – Catty comments to yell at the television and at people who can’t drive well.

D – Dogs! Rescue a pooch from a shelter today. While a dog will increase your monthly bills, rescuing a precious pooch will increase your karma and the amount of dog hair on your carpet.

E – Extra cash. You ALWAYS have something stashed somewhere. OH sure, it’s 3 nickels covered in lint at the bottom of your purse, but that’s extra cash, despite it’s paltry value.

F – Fashion magazines to accurately understand how behind the times you are, yet to ogle at Avril Levigne’s new hoodie line. Sigh…

G – Grenadine for Shirley Temples and Roy Rogers. Delish! (Use diet soda for us biddies who are watching our girlish figures…)

H – Happy fists & hoodies! (These are self explanatory.)

I – Invest in your purpose in life, in your friends and in causes that make you happy. Dump the rest. Those are outvestments that don’t deserve a New Old Biddy’s time.

J – Jasmine Green Tea. It’s this biddy’s fave. Trader Joe’s has it in whole leaf bags! Accessible to the masses and good for stocking in your office drawer.

K – Kegels. Hubba hubba.

L – Love. Know the difference between love and lust. Lust is good, love is better.

M – MEN. NO MORE BOYS. Just men. Emotional midgets, although an “m” word, need not apply.

N – Neoprene dress. HAHHA! I kid! Who needs that other than Nina Garcia?

O – Optimism. Even though it can be stupid (see “A”), its necessary. Like a good salve.

P – Project Runway! Perfect for autumn as Disco Pumpkins are all the rage this season…

Q – Questions. Never stop asking questions. If you do, you really aren’t as smart as you think you are. And a good biddy will alert you to this fact.

R – Red shoes. You know why. (And yes, I have some!)

S – Sass. Sometimes, it’s the only way to get through the day…

T – TiVo! A biddy’s dependable date on a lonely night…

U – Universal remote. A good biddy HATES clutter and too many remotes is just angering. WHICH DOES WHAT?! WHY?!? (I have issues…)

V – Vegetables. Eat ‘em, you’ll be a pretty biddy longer.

W – WINE! Yum!! Buy your own bottle and have your fellow biddies over for a Recession Era Happy Hour.

X – Xanax.

Y – Youthful attitude. The mark of a new old biddy is embracing their advancing age while still holding onto their youth. It’s a wonderful balance when done correctly. It’s a great embarrassment when done poorly.

Z – Zingers. Both the quips and the snack cake. NOM!