How to prepare to read this blog:
* Realize that Jennifer (Eolin) specializes in all types of jackassery.
* Do not take her seriously!!
* If you don't recognize these facts, that's a "you" problem
and not even Tim Gunn can help you.
* So neener-neener, people!
As I sit in my varsity t-shirt from high school and jammie bottoms with my unbrushed hair, I wonder out loud, "How the hell am I single?!" I know, right?? So to make myself feel better about my un-loved status (even though I'm a "pre-loved" and have the divorce papers to prove it!) I like to look at the fashion shows going on around the world and criticize the ugly. (It's cheaper than Prozac. Shut up.)
Right now, Tokyo is having their Ready To Wear Fashion Week. HAHHAAHA! "Ready to Wear." Oh those Tokyo-ians are adorable that way.
So I've nuked myself some green tea, put on my "judgement jodhpurs" (which are not to be confused with my "bossy boots") and am ready to present the worst of the worst to you, since it's what I do best. (Mostly. Ahem. My mother reads this...)
THE DRESS & CO:
"Yes, I'm wearing Target sheer curtains as a skirt.
What? It worked for Scarlett O'Hara and that Mary Poppins woman
when she was a nun lady in that Alps place."
"Like my blue socks?
This drab un-sexy outfit will give you something
"I just fought the Salvation Army. I think I won?"
"Listen, buddy. Just because I'm wearing a net,
it doesn't mean I want to catch any crabs, K?"
"I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat!
Take a good look at me cuz I'm sinking on this
f-ing ugly ass boat!"
"Arrr, because I be stealin' the rum,
I be wearin' evening brig-wear."
staying classy since 1842.
SIDE NOTE: Why do I think Helena Bonham-Carter is Fur-Fur's biggest client:
"I'm bringing Boat Wench back, ya'll!"
Nothing says "I'm in a loveless relationship" quite so clearly
than a matching culotte and jacket set in sad elephant gray.
Nothing says I clearly didn't learn from my last
love-less relationship (even though I spent a lot of money on a therapist that wasn't covered by my insurance because they are liars and cheats like my last boyfriend!!) better than another matching culotte/slack combo in sad, dirty elephant gray.
"Thank goodness I'm wearing this blindfold so I can't
see my knee highs are showing! WHEEEE!"
"And you thought a 'high hat' was a cymbal on a drum set.
Clearly, YOU are the idiot in this situation..."
The Portable Swirlie:
For when a toilet just isn't near by
and somebody REALLY needs to be taught a lesson...
Exactly what every guy wants to see written across his lady's boobs.
Of course, the sack dress itself will probably stop all action on its own...
"So I wore this to a wedding and the bride told me,
'The fact that you're wearing white too IS NOT the issue.'
What a bitch."
"The American Beauty"
For when your daft boyfriend needs a gentle hint: FTD BOUQUET NOW, DOOFUS!
"Am I a man or a woman?
That's for me to know and you to find out.
"WHAT? Why are you asking me about a drinking problem?
This is my PURSE, okay, Orcifer?
My license is in my *burp*, I mean bottle. GOD you are DUMBS.
Oh, you're arresting me for exposure because the crotch of my pants
looks like I have cluster of "angry tulips"? Okay, that I'll give you..."
With "Vanguard of Elegance" written across one's hoodly-hoo,
I too would carry an umbrella for the storm of men!
Can I get a "Hallelujah"?
Can I get a "Hallelujah"?