Thursday, December 24, 2009

Holiday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Santa Claus,

Okay, okay.  This letter is a little late.  I get it so you can stop with all that frowning and scowling.  Do you want beard lines, mister??  They don't make an Olay product for men of your age, you know.  (Perhaps you can get the elves to work on this?)

I have only one request this Christmas and it involves my mother.  Oh sure, she's a very well meaning lady and such... but she's INSISTING that we EAT BREAKFAST before opening presents.  I KNOW?!  Blasphemy, right??  So I'd like to ask that you put a little holiday nog in her stocking so that she forgets her silly decree and let's us act like the children we want to be.  (Or at least she lets ME be the child that I need to be.  That I usually am.  Who the hell are we kidding?  I never grew up, ergo the hoodies...) That would be ever so appreciated!

Candy Canes & Gum Drop Dreams,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I'd also like a five pound bag of money.
PPS - In hundreds.
PPPS - I'm kinda serious.


Dear Holiday Cookies,


Curves isn't just a gym,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Why isn't brocolli a good cookie ingredient?
PPS - Why is my metabolism slowing as I get older?
PPPS - Please don't answer that.
PPPPS - I cry easily.


Dear Post Christmas Sales,

OOOO!  My favorite time of year when everything is on extra special discount! FRUGAL FISTS!

However, I'd like to ask that fellow shoppers not trash the store whilst shopping for post-holiday delights.  I completely understand the thrill of finding a pair of pants that cost just $8, (SQUEEE!!!) but you need not throw all the ones that aren't your size on the floor while you sort frantically for your size.  You need not also bring your ENTIRE FAMILY out shopping if they aren't participating in the festivities.  Leave them at home with some hot chocolate and your inlaws.  For reals.  20 children running around a bra store while their weary grandparents and dad sleep pig-pile style on a tiny chaise is not a good time for me.  (Especially when they decide to stick their heads under the dressing room doors and witness the horror that is me trying on/cursing at a bra.  I'm just saying, the crying gets annoying after awhile...)

Oh one last thing: If people could just not fart in the dressing rooms and then leave it in there to steep into the walls like a fine tea, I'd be ever so appreciative.  I know we all over-do with the holiday eating (boy howdy!) and between the excitement and trying to fit into a size that we were before the holiday binge, I get it, you let one go.  But let's pre-plan this year and pop a Gas-X before the big shopping trip, okay? 

Discounts FTW,
Jennifer (Eolin)


Dear Blog Readers,

Thank you for letting me entertain you for yet another year! Thank you for letting me complain and whine as only a New Old Biddy can.  I look forward to annoying you in 2010 with my journeys in NYC.  We'll see if the city can survive me.  I'm a lot to handle. (Not that way, perv...)

Much joy and laughter to you all this holiday season!

Holiday fists!
Jennifer (Eolin)


  1. Happy Holidays, Jennifer! I have a feeling NYC's seen it's fair share of hoodies... you'll fit in just fine :) P.S.- it's Carly but since I now have 2 blogs, I will apparently be known as ILoveEntertainment, hehe. That works.

  2. Dear Jennifer;

    Never ever EVER leave us hanging so long for a blog. As fans of vou, of your hoodiness and of your now-revealed shapely calves, we simply cannot be expected to survive without your words for more than a couple of days.

    Frustrated fists were all around during this S.A.D. season!

    Listen, this whole business of moving and life-changing and hard work and upheaval is really just you being selfish. Your fans (ie, me) are a needy bunch.*

    I, for one, am glad to have you semi-settled, and I look forward to every word/work/sound that you utter to us in the coming year(s).

    Love and Merrimintz,


    *Needy like the black hole of need. Like the whirlpool into the river Styx kind of need. Like we'll hecka suck the living soul out of you if you let us. And Matilda's too. But we'll trade bacon.

    PS--I went to my personal trainer and told her I needed to get into shape.

    She told me that round was a shape, and we've since left it at that.

    Merry Xmas...may you get a hoodie in every possible color along with the 5 pound bag of hundreds...

  3. Ed - Happy New Year!

    Carly - I love entertainment too! (And I have a billion new hoodies to break in...)

    Stephen - I'm still waiting on the 5 lbs. bag of moolah. Sigh. ;)

  4. Many thanks for such a write-up. I undoubtedly cherished reading it.
    Congratulation letters



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