Holiday Cards!

It's that time again, folks.  Homemade holiday card season!

I have a whole new line of cards listed on my Etsy site!  

Some people watch football on Thanksgiving,
I design cards.  Cuz I'm a dork.

I will hand make your cards only after you order them.  Isn't that exciting!  Did you just eggnog yourself?  I know I did.  (I'm still a bit of a jerk, despite it being the holidays.  This biddy can't change...)

And if you liked last years line, you can still get those (pre-printed) at my CafePress Store.  (The CafePress store also has all my other designs for mugs, t-shirts, etc. that make great gifts!  Who doesn't want a "Meh" Mug in their stocking, hmmmm?)

Happy Holidays, everyone!

I Am A Bad Blogger

Dear Readers, 

Simply put: Crap.

So awhile back I said I would blog more.  Apparently, this was a complete lie.  (Just like the words "Lean Cuisine" and "Lindsay Lohan successfully completes rehab.")

"Jennifer, what caused this radio silence on your blog lately?" you may be asking. (Face it, you are asking.)  Well a few things caused it.  First of all my dog, Matilda, died in July.  Her decline was fast, but I still had to make the painful decision to take her to the vet and help end her suffering.  I was holding her on my lap when her heart stopped beating.  I swear mine did too.  I could write a lot more about this, but frankly it's quite sad and I'm not ready.  RIP Doodle Bug...

After that, I honestly didn't feel like writing on a regular basis. I didn't want to be behind a computer, I wanted to be in the company of people:  family, friends, dates, sketch group rehearsals, going to shows, etc.  I also adopted a new dog, Maggie, whom I adore.  She is a 4-year-old Chihuahua that I rescued from a local shelter in NYC.  She.  Is.  Amazing.  Full of life, slap happy and snuggly. She also "talks" so I feel like I have a roommate.  No, seriously. We have full conversations.  This morning, we chatted about economic policy followed by why she thinks shadows on the wall are evil.

"Shadows steal souls!"

So really, I plan to write more.  I feel like my mojo is back.  Life is stable again, which is a good thing.  So please stay tuned for stories.  And thank you for waiting!  

So here's YOUR assignment:  Ask questions & give topics you want me to address.  I'm happy to entertain all queries.

Until my next post, which is hopefully SOON, be good and fight the evil empire that is comprised of shadows cast on walls.  Maggie will be so pleased and could use some tips.  (She's really lousy at catching them.  Shortly after the picture above was taken she tried to bite the shadow.  Seriously.  All she ended up doing is bopping her nose on the wall.  She may be a hot mess.)

Hugs & Hoodies,

Jennifer

Online Dating

We've all done it, it's our dirty little secret. Or public secret.  Or just maybe it's just dirty.  Either way, I'm speaking about online dating, aka  The Scurge of our Century.

Online dating seems to be the only way I can meet someone, especially in NYC.  It's weird that in a city of 2984304809484 people living on top of each other (that's what she said) I've met nobody in real life, just cyber life.  Bygones.

Anyway, I believe I will be alone a little bit longer as I received this email today.  There is SO MUCH wrong with it that I barely know where to begin.  Please brace yourself and read:

Coming across your profile i have some feelings in me, Your beautiful smile that happens to come on your face,charming face which all men wants but something special which all men dont see and that is your heart which contain so much that i will love to get to know more about ..i will be glad if you give me the moment to get to know more about you.
Your smile proves so much,you are a woman with a charming smile which shows a longer and future relationship,which a man will pray for that man who knows the worth of a family.Something is special about you and that is your high sence of humor..Hmmmm..you are a God gift.then why dont you be my gift as well..you will wonder how much i know this but remember that eyes is the mirrow of the heart and soul.
Yeah i am far away from you,which i think might be a problem but i think sometimes you meet people near you getting to know them and at the end of the day they break your heart but precisely i really wanted to relocate for my business expansion and for the happiness of a beautiful family which i pray for. I will love to hear from you soon,
Hope to read a reply from you soon.

#1:  No, you will neither hear nor will you read a reply from me soon.

#2:  SPELLING!  Ask God for the gift of spell check!

#3:  I am a God Gift, that is your only correct item in this email.  Well done.

#4:  We won't be having a family together.  Gross.

#5:  Did you go to public school?  If so you owe a lot of tax payers their money back.

Sigh....

So the search continues.  The bar is set pretty low, but unless the next guy calls me a God Gift, I'm not sure we have a future together.

The Robots - Episode 6 - "The Email"

Oh dear my, my little Robots are in a fix.  This episode is based on a true email, read verbatim in the episode.  But to protect the innocent and the ignorant, their names have been changed.  Enjoy - pip pip!

Letters from Jennifer... Beauty Edition!

My latest batch of letters can be seen HERE on The Makeup Blogger's site.  Help support my friend's site and have a laugh at my expense as that truly is the best kind of laugh.

Happy 4th of July weekend!

The Robots - Episode 5: "Change of Life"

Ohhhh how I missed my quirky and weird little robots.  But if you have been following me on Twitter (why wouldn't you?) and memorized all my tweets (why wouldn't you?) then you'll know that for a period of time I boycotted the Xtranormal site as they 1) Got rid of the two voices I used and 2) started charging money.  The creative side of me was pissed, as was my frugal side.  So I pouted.  And tweeted.  Which are actually turning into the same thing in my life lately.  (I kid!  Happy as a lark!  Mostly.)

ANYHOOO.... Fast forward to just NOT BEING ABLE TO STAY AWAY from my robots.  They are different now though and struggling with their new identities, ergo the title of this episode, "Change of Life."

I hope you'll love and embrace my new-ish robots.  I know if they had feelings they would hug and embrace you back.  Enjoy!

Latest Post....

I'm really enjoying my walks down memory lane while writing these columns for The Make-Up Blogger.  Please read my latest (painful) journey into my (hilarious yet not debilitating) past.  Enjoy!

READ COLUMN HERE!

New Cards!

I like cards.  I like receiving them, sending them and putting one up my sleeve. (Buh-dum-dum.)  If you remember, I made homemade hand-stamped Holiday cards this past year and I enjoyed making each one!  So I finally have general note cards for sale on my Etsy site.  Click HERE to see!

Here's a preview of a few of my cards that are for sale!

I'm selling them as 5 cards for $10.  You can also customize your order.  Change the color, take away or add "thank you" and we can discuss bulk discounts.  Whatever you like!  I'm a flexible biddy.  (That's what she said.)

Enjoy!!

Sunday Letters From Jennifer...

Dear Summer,

STOP IT.  You're quite early and frankly I am over your rude behavior of party crashing.  Let Spring have it's time here on Earth.  Is that SO hard for you to do?

I hate tank tops,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I also hate sweating.

PPS - Seriously, there's not enough Shower to Shower to make you, Summer, tolerable.

PPPS - My electric bill hates you too.

PPPPS - I am cc'ing Humidity on this letter.

*****

Dear Politicians, Professional Athletes, Actors, et al,

You will get caught.  It's not the 70's anymore.  It's called Social Media for a reason.

Fail Whale,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - WHY do boys send pictures of their crotches?  

PPS - WHY do girls send pictures of their boobs?

PPPS - WHY do people still take self portraits in mirrors?

PPPPS - WHY don't these people have actual self-esteem and need validation by others?

PPPPPS - And why do I care so much?

PPPPPPS - And why is it NEWS?

PPPPPPPS - Grumpy fists!

******

Dear Illy Coffee,

Thank you for making a decaf coffee that doesn't taste like an ogre's dirty footbath water.

Hazelnut surprises,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Could you maybe come down in price a little?

PPS - What do you mean that would compromise your flavor?

PPPS - But I'm on a fixed income!

PPPPS - Well could you go on sale more often?

PPPPPS - Yes, I understand I'm not the boss of you.

PPPPPPS - Well there's no need to call me names.  Especially that one.

PPPPPPPS - I still love you.

And Yet Another Column....

Dearest Readers,

Please pop on over to check out my latest COLUMN on The Makeup Blogger's site.  I'm writing a collection of memoirs from my life (duh?) that have to do with makeup, skin care and beauty in general.  Needless to say, I'm dashingly witty and adorable, so please check it out!

Hugs and mascara flakes,

Jennifer (Eolin)