Letters from Jennifer... Beauty Edition!

My latest batch of letters can be seen HERE on The Makeup Blogger's site.  Help support my friend's site and have a laugh at my expense as that truly is the best kind of laugh.

Happy 4th of July weekend!

Sunday Letters From Jennifer...

Dear Summer,

STOP IT.  You're quite early and frankly I am over your rude behavior of party crashing.  Let Spring have it's time here on Earth.  Is that SO hard for you to do?

I hate tank tops,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I also hate sweating.

PPS - Seriously, there's not enough Shower to Shower to make you, Summer, tolerable.

PPPS - My electric bill hates you too.

PPPPS - I am cc'ing Humidity on this letter.

*****

Dear Politicians, Professional Athletes, Actors, et al,

You will get caught.  It's not the 70's anymore.  It's called Social Media for a reason.

Fail Whale,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - WHY do boys send pictures of their crotches?  

PPS - WHY do girls send pictures of their boobs?

PPPS - WHY do people still take self portraits in mirrors?

PPPPS - WHY don't these people have actual self-esteem and need validation by others?

PPPPPS - And why do I care so much?

PPPPPPS - And why is it NEWS?

PPPPPPPS - Grumpy fists!

******

Dear Illy Coffee,

Thank you for making a decaf coffee that doesn't taste like an ogre's dirty footbath water.

Hazelnut surprises,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Could you maybe come down in price a little?

PPS - What do you mean that would compromise your flavor?

PPPS - But I'm on a fixed income!

PPPPS - Well could you go on sale more often?

PPPPPS - Yes, I understand I'm not the boss of you.

PPPPPPS - Well there's no need to call me names.  Especially that one.

PPPPPPPS - I still love you.

Sunday Letters From Jennifer...

Dear Apocalypse,

Well, well.  The dinner party was for 6pm and you missed it.  You even had carte blanche to show up ANYWHERE it happened to be 6pm.  That's a lot of time zones to choose from, buddy!  And please don't tell me that "you didn't know."  C'mon.  Your invite was spray painted on buildings, posted in every subway car, and on billboards across the nation.  It was on the news, on Twitter and even being talked about by the locals in the middle of the post-office.  It was your party and you blew it.

You, Apocalypse, are a lazy daisy.

In light of your flakiness (are you by chance from LA?), may I suggest that you send your host a note explaining why you didn't arrive on schedule.  You see, you left Mr. Camping very "bewildered" as to why you would blow him off without even a text message saying, "Running late!" or "Traffic on the freeway is a bi-atch right now!"  And listen, I get it, Oakland isn't The Ritz, but surely you could humble yourself to at least poke your head in for a minute and say, "What up, Holmes?" before giving your fake excuse to leave early, right?  (You are from LA, aren't you?)

Since you've deeply offended your host and his party guests, (who are still slightly burning from your no-show antics from the 90's) I suggest when you do show up that you do the following to avoid further egg on your  face:

* Bring a gift.  Mayhaps a box of wine or a nice floral arrangement to help everyone forget your uber-douche past.

* Text when you are on your way.  "OMW" is sufficient, hip and now. 

* Bring a handwritten note to each party guest, letting them know how sorry you are for making them waste their time and money preparing for your last party.  Especially that family that had a baby and spent their life savings in a week.  Yeah.  You may want to just drop that one in a mailbox now and draw a happy face on their envelope.

* Actually RSVP next time.  Check your Facebook invites on a computer and click, 'YES.'  

Okay, you have a lot of work to do, mister.  But chin up, maybe someday you'll show up.  Just like Santa Claus.  (I keep hoping...)

Sins and Hugs,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Why are dogs excluded from your party, btw?  RUDE!

PPS - My dogs are potty trained so it wouldn't be a big deal.

PPPS - Okay, Annie will pee on your rug, but only once and that's just to let you she loves you.

PPPPS - Oh and Matilda has horrible breath and hacks up phlegm every ten minutes.

PPPPPS - Okay, I see your point.

*****

Dear Justin Timberlake,

PLEASE ALWAYS BE ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.  Without you, it's Saturday Night Coma.  (Ba-dum-dum.)

It's Okay If It's A 3-Way,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Can I send you and Andy Samberg my address?

PPS - No, really, can I?

PPPS - I'm local.

PPPPS - I can take a cab to you.  No big whoop.  I'm easy.

PPPPPS - That's what she said.

Letters from Jennifer...

Dear NYC Pedestrians,

Well look at you out and about after a long winter's nap!  Welcome!  However, I have a few suggestions to make your journey into the world a bit easier for all of us.

1) Do not stroll!  Nothing is more annoying that the pedestrian who just lollygags along the sidewalk, meandering aimlessly on the sidewalk like a game of lazy Frogger. Get in a lane, adjust your mirrors and WALK.  If you want to stroll make like an elderly person and do laps at Macy's.  

2) Stop straddling lanes!  What are you, a Hummer?  (No, you're not!)  Just like the road, stay in your lane. Let me pass on the left without getting bodychecked, k?

3) NO texting!  Pull your ass over to text.  Duane Reade has a great awning you can stand under so you won't get a sunburn or rained on.  I'm not kidding, my toes are sore from your lack of navigation.

4) It's Springtime.  Put your f'ing Uggs in the closet, k?

Okay, I hope that was helpful for you.  I know it was helpful for me.  

Right of way,

Jennifer

PS - I'm really serious about the Uggs.  

*******

Dear Mister Softee,

I inwardly giggle like a 12-year-old every time I see your truck.

Childishly yours,

Jennifer

PS - HAHAHAHAHAA!  "Mister Softee!"  HAHAHHAHAHAA!

PPS - I can be very childish.  

PPPS - VERY.

PPPPS - HAHAHHAHAHHAAAA!  Oh it doesn't get old.  No, trust me on that one.

*******

Dear Allergies,

Please make like a pair of Uggs and make yourself scarce.

Achoo cough hack achoo,

Jennifer

PS - There's just not enough Flonase in the world to make you okay.

PPS - Zyrtec is like the new amateur hour.

PPPS - You make me hate flowers.

PPPPS - You make me unattractive.

PPPPPS - I need all the help I can get.

PPPPPPS - I'm not kidding.

Saturday Notes From Jennifer...

Dear Summer,

Hey. Why must you always arrive in the triple digits? It was so nice this past week. Slightly overcast and cool. Mmmmm. Then today feels like I'm suffocating in Satan's underpants. Not my underpants of choice to be in, Summer. NOT AT ALL!

SPF 900,

Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear National News Media,

Please figure out what is news, and what is not. Here are some examples for you: Iran elections = news. Hours of b-roll showing the exterior of UCLA Hospital while repeating the same 3 facts over and over = not news. California's budget crisis = news. Obama swatting a fly = not news.

Maybe you should sign up at the Learning Annex for some refresher courses?

Just the facts!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Entitled Lady at the Bakery,

Just because you were there before me and my friend, does not mean you get to check out first. You ordered 394839043 things. My friend ordered 2 things. Her items were at the register when you elbowed her to the side to take your "rightful" position. Perhaps, if you made eye contact, you'd have seen that your items were A) not ready to be rung up and B) that there were other people around you. (And that your outfit was dumb looking. Just saying.)

Head on a swivel!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Guy going the wrong way down a one-way street,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOD! SERIOUSLY!?

Asshooooole!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear COBRA Health Insurance,

$304 a month. Bite me. (Which ironically, would then cost me an extra $50 to go to Urgent Care to get stitches.)

Venomously,

Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Perez Hilton,

HAHAHHHAAA. 'Bout time. Enjoy being a nobody again.

Karma is a bitch!
Jennifer (Eolin)