Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunday Letters From Jennifer...

Dear Apocalypse,

Well, well.  The dinner party was for 6pm and you missed it.  You even had carte blanche to show up ANYWHERE it happened to be 6pm.  That's a lot of time zones to choose from, buddy!  And please don't tell me that "you didn't know."  C'mon.  Your invite was spray painted on buildings, posted in every subway car, and on billboards across the nation.  It was on the news, on Twitter and even being talked about by the locals in the middle of the post-office.  It was your party and you blew it.

You, Apocalypse, are a lazy daisy.

In light of your flakiness (are you by chance from LA?), may I suggest that you send your host a note explaining why you didn't arrive on schedule.  You see, you left Mr. Camping very "bewildered" as to why you would blow him off without even a text message saying, "Running late!" or "Traffic on the freeway is a bi-atch right now!"  And listen, I get it, Oakland isn't The Ritz, but surely you could humble yourself to at least poke your head in for a minute and say, "What up, Holmes?" before giving your fake excuse to leave early, right?  (You are from LA, aren't you?)

Since you've deeply offended your host and his party guests, (who are still slightly burning from your no-show antics from the 90's) I suggest when you do show up that you do the following to avoid further egg on your  face:

* Bring a gift.  Mayhaps a box of wine or a nice floral arrangement to help everyone forget your uber-douche past.
* Text when you are on your way.  "OMW" is sufficient, hip and now. 
* Bring a handwritten note to each party guest, letting them know how sorry you are for making them waste their time and money preparing for your last party.  Especially that family that had a baby and spent their life savings in a week.  Yeah.  You may want to just drop that one in a mailbox now and draw a happy face on their envelope.
* Actually RSVP next time.  Check your Facebook invites on a computer and click, 'YES.'  

Okay, you have a lot of work to do, mister.  But chin up, maybe someday you'll show up.  Just like Santa Claus.  (I keep hoping...)

Sins and Hugs,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Why are dogs excluded from your party, btw?  RUDE!
PPS - My dogs are potty trained so it wouldn't be a big deal.
PPPS - Okay, Annie will pee on your rug, but only once and that's just to let you she loves you.
PPPPS - Oh and Matilda has horrible breath and hacks up phlegm every ten minutes.
PPPPPS - Okay, I see your point.


Dear Justin Timberlake,

PLEASE ALWAYS BE ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.  Without you, it's Saturday Night Coma.  (Ba-dum-dum.)

It's Okay If It's A 3-Way,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Can I send you and Andy Samberg my address?
PPS - No, really, can I?
PPPS - I'm local.
PPPPS - I can take a cab to you.  No big whoop.  I'm easy.
PPPPPS - That's what she said.

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