Project Runway - Season 7 - Episode 5 - "OMG WHY IS THIS SHOW STILL ON THE AIR?"

Last week on Project Runway...

Soup.

Red.

Fabric.

Amy in.

Auf'd Jesus.

Zzzzzzzzzz......

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My routine of blogging whilst watching for the first time seems to work... so I'm running with it.  But before I get started, I need to address something that's been burning a hole in my brain:  Is it wrong that I don't miss watching this show on Thursday night (since I don't have cable/tv)?  And is it bad that I no longer care if the show's outcome is spoiled?  What's up with this season, ya'll?  I just don't give a rat's patootie about it.  I think last year what saved the show was that the designers and models were all over Twitter and Facebook and even though the producing of the show was AWFUL, I really felt something for the people because we had relationships outside of the show.  (Not in a creepy way, people.)  This season, there's hardly any chatter on FB or Twitter with the designers.  And quite frankly, it's dull.  It's really dull. 

Sigh.. okay, rant over... let's start the show...

Oh my... we open with a shirtless Seth Aaron making coffee.  Then Brown Sugar hits Jay with the Bible.  (See what happens when you auf Jesus?  SIN!!  WOOOO!  I mean, "How awful."  Ahem...)

OH LOOKIE!  The winner and loser have bites back to back at the top of the show. Brilliant.  Just f'ing brilliant, Producers and Lifetime.  You get a gold star is "stoopid."  (STUFF LIKE THIS MAKES ME WANT TO JUST STOP WATCHING!)  

Now Mila is bitching about how nobody is happy for her that she's in the top again.  Listen, lady.  A) It's a COMPETITION.  B) You're kind of an a-hole about being in the top again.  C) Get some freaking highlights.  

On the runway...  more cryptic crap from Heidi about what their challenge is, "It needs to be picture perfect." Cue the "wondering what that means" bites from the designers.  Ugh.

Cut to Superman's ice palace.  Oh wait, Hearst Corporation building.  

Tim Gunn: "I assert that we are moving on up!"

Tim Gunn introduces the gang to Joanna Coles, Editor in Chief for Marie Claire:

Joanna:  "Is your hand on my bum?"

Tim Gunn: "Yes.  Yes it is."

Tim goes on to lie and tell the designers that THIS is the biggest challenge in PR history and the reward is unprecedented.  OH BULLSHIT.  How many times have we heard this THIS season already (and it's only episode 5)??  Lookit, Producers, unless they are designing a new look for the Statue of Liberty, IT IS NOT THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE.  It's just not.  It's a just a challenge.  That's it.  BAH!

CHALLENGE:  Create a look to be worn by a celebrity on the cover of Marie Claire magazine.

Brown Sugar: "It's another fabric challenge, isn't it?"

Anna (wincing): "Yes."

Brown Sugar: "Son of a B!"

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABRIC!  DAMMIT, PRODUCERS! One more week of fabric and I'm out. OUT!!!!

Moving on....

Tim explains that the issue will be for April of 2010, then Joanna chimes in with some "key rules" for the designers when designing for a cover:

* It's not just about the outfit - think about how the photo is cropped so don't waste your time putting detail on the bottom as nobody will see it.

* No black!

* We put words over your dress, so think about that.  

* Think about the season the magazine is coming out in

* People chose magazines in 3 seconds so make it strong and eye catching

She then reveals that HEIDI KLUM is the celeb they will be dressing.  Okay... this is all very lame to me on many levels.

1)  Marie Claire helps sponsor Project Runway, so it's not a coup that they "landed" Marie Claire.  It's like paper being sponsored by Xerox.  Peanuts by Jiffy.  And Jon Gosselin by Ed Hardy.  Seriously.

2)  Heidi Klum is part of the show!  Get a model or celeb that we don't see!  (No offense, Heidi.)  WE NEED EYE CANDY and some pizazz!  What's next?  Dressing the production assistants for their coffee runs??  GET US SOMEBODY UNRELATED TO THE SHOW!

3) As a result, this is telling me that NOBODY else wants to be a part of Project Runway anymore. The judges have been very sub-par since B/M took over.  It feels like the producers are calling in favors instead of casting high end talent.  Which, again, tells me that nobody wants to be on this train wreck.

4)  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  

Back at Parsons... sketch sketch sketch for 30 minutes.  Tim Gunn reiterates the challenge and lets them know that the production company is running out of money and they need to cut costs because they have only one day for the challenge. (I like to read between the lines, folks....)  

The designers blandly babble about what they are going to do...  

Off to Mood...  $150 budget.  WHAT THE FUDGE?!  Are you serious????  OMG, I'm just sick.  WHY did they get $500 for the "icon" challenge when that look went NOWHERE but for the Campbell's challenge last week where the winning dress is going to a Fashion Week gala and this dress is going on a magazine cover do they get CRAP for time and  budget??  WHO IS IN CHARGE?  WHO DO I NEED TO SLAP??

OMG.  Soundbites to fill time about how "huge" this challenge is and how quiet the design room is.  DULL.  (Also, producers, when you give them more time, you get more chatter in the room for story telling.)  

I really just want to skip to the end....

WOW!  They have a new iron.  WOW!  Someone get me some f'ing heart medicine because I'm about to die from excitement...

6 hours until the end of their careers... I mean day.

THIS EPISODE HAS NO STORY.  NO STORY.  NONE.  THIS is a problem.  If The Jersey Shore can make a story, YOU can make a story.  

People talking about their garments and who their competition is... 

TIM GUNN ENTERS!  Finally... some conversation.

He starts with Anthony...  Anthony is a sad sack of sugar and has no idea really what his dress is going to look like.  

"This worries me... if I still actually cared."

He warns Anthony to use his "editing eye" and really think about what he's putting on the dress.  Anthony agrees.  "Carry on!"

Next, Mila.  He likes all her stripes and things.  "Very signature Mila."

Next, Janeane.  She describes how she wants stuff to look flowy and junk.  Tim cautions, "This spewy stuff, is this really you?"  Shouldn't they stretch their limits and take risks, Tim?  I feel  like this is a beat he's being given by the producers.  But it makes no sense because in past seasons Tim was always telling them to take risks and think outside of their comfort zone, but then this season he's telling them this season to not color outside of the lines.  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  Bullshit.  I call bullshit.

Dieter (Ben) is next.  He tells Tim that the concept is Madame Butterfly on acid.  (Battery acid?)  Lots of color and a metallic belt.  Tim worries the belt could cheapen it.  

Anna.  Sigh... Tim gets into the whole "Do you feel this is you?" crap with her.  She feels it is her.  Zzzzz.....

Emilio is doing a short cocktail dress.  Zzzzz.

WOW.  No story or character evolution in that segment.  Bring in the models and let's hope they bring some drama.  (Oh wait, Sophia is already gone.  Crap.)

I am so bored right now..................................................................  NO STORY. 

Anna is freaking out because the short shorts she made do not fit.  Yikes.  But I already knew this from her opening soundbite.  (Foreshadowing...)

Nobody likes Mila just because.  Yawn.

1 hour left....

Brown Sugar laments the lack of time on this challenge (amen) and comes up with the quote:  "Life isn't fair, so why the hell should Project Runway be?"  HA!

All the designers have disasters and are screwed on time...  this sucks.  I hate when people are set up to fail.  I'd love to see the designers be able to succeed....

Commercial break... and we're back for Runway Day.

People are getting ready and Janeane and Anna are worried that they are the bottom 2.  (Foreshadowing...)

Back to Parsons...Sew sew sew....

Anna is freaking out.  Her shorts aren't really done.  Mila is claiming victory.  And we see NOTHING of Amy all episode - so now immunity means "no air time"?

Models come in...  everybody gets ready and freaks out.

RUNWAY!

Michael Kors got his bleach mixed up with his color safe brand.

SAFE!

Seth Aaron:

Okay, even though he dresses himself like a tool bag, Seth Aaron obviously has some skills.  Now, I'm not saying that I would wear this Tin Man Suit, but look at how WELL its put together.  And I can understand that somebody out there would want this and wear it.  It's just not me.  The only thing that really doesn't work for me are the matte orange shoes.  BOOO.  This look needed a metallic pop with a different color.  The matte is just a dull heavy thud in the overall "wow" of the look.

Jesse:

Not-Cameron-Diaz wears this dress well!  I actually do like this dress quite a bit.  LOVE the basket weaving in the middle.  Love the color.  Good job, Jesse.  Way to not suck!  

Jay:

SAFE?!  WHAT?  This is quite gorgeous.  I'm guessing the neutral tone is why its safe as it would blend into a magazine cover background for sure.  But GORGEOUS.  (And it's the #1 dress on the auction site - $510!)  And second behind it is another "safe" design...

AMY:

This is second on the auction list with a current bid of $255.  I like this look BUT it looks a lot like her potato sack dress design.  So I'm wondering if she's a bit of a one-trick-pony.  I'm also not into the fabric boob explosion.  

Jonathan:

Yick.  He calls it a romper, I call it a disaster.  It's like a super-hero outfit for an ice skater.  No.  BOOO.  moving on...

Maya:

WTH!?  This looks like it doesn't fit her model at all, there's gapping, unevenness AND that color we saw before on your iconic look a few weeks earlier.  You are lucky there is worse that this, lady, because this blows.

TOP 2:

Emilio:

WHAT?  I'm sorry.  This is a mistake right?  This should be in the bottom 2, yes???

Emilio used a silk jersey and Kors is so impressed how fitted it is.  Sure, if Heidi were a freaking ice skater, yes, it's fitted and lovely.  But for an everyday look, this looks like a CHEAP design and dress.  HORRIBLE!  Am I alone??

The judges continue to gush about this which confuses the crap out of me.  Joanna believes this dress would beckon people grab the magazine.  (Yeah, and throw it on the ground.)  Nina loves the color and detail but that the whole thing looks a little "junior."  So they make him CUT off the straps and take her hair down.  Kors comments, "We've never done this before."  (NOTE:  Why does Emilio's dress get a "junior" comment and makeover and its all okay but a designer below in the bottom 2 does NOT?)

BEN:

I like this!  Ben tones down the description to Madame Butterfly meets Technicolor and that it's a kimono that functions like a dress.  Kors believes it would work on a cover as it breaks through all the "noise" to catch your eye.  Nina loves the colors as well and that the dress looks good in the front and the back.  (You know, cuz they show the back of dresses on magazine covers ALL the time.)  What you can't see is the peek-a-boo back he made.  Heidi LOVES it.  Joanna calls it a "real contender."  YAY BEN!  You did a good job!

WINNER...  ANTHONY (aka BROWN SUGAR):

Yes, very pretty!  Love the color.  I couldn't wear it as I'd look like the Michelin Man, but Heidi, yes indeed.

Boy, Anthony is really selling this look well.  He tells the judges that he really thought about Heidi, what she's worn previously and what she wears on the show.  Smart!  It's this thought that makes a good designer.  His goals were clean lines and a feminine silhouette.  Again, SMART!

Kors exclaims: "The costume drama is over!  You entered modern times!"  Anthony then claps like I did when I was 4 (or yesterday - shut up).  Kors loves the shoulder design and calls it "new."  Nina continues with loving the color.  Heidi loves how slimming the dress is (which is important given that she will have given birth shortly before this photo shoot).

Overall - YAY ANTHONY!  (But no immunity because the "prize is so big."  MEH!)

BTW - it's really nice to see how excited all the other designers are for Anthony.  (Unlike the snotty Mila...)

BOTTOM 2:

Mila:

Kors says: "Let's be honest, the beige comes off like an Ace Bandage."  BUWHAHAHAHAH!  Yes.  Yes it does.  And Miss Ego is crushed.    He continues, "And once you crop [her picture] she's basically in a jog bra with a v-neck."  BWUWHAHAHAHAA.  Amen!

Nina doesn't like that the arrows are highlighting the crotch area.  Joanna says the color doesn't feel confident.  (Is it crying??)  Mila says that the fabric looked more peachy in her hands.  Kors rolls his eyes and they move on...

Janeane:

YICK.  Awful.  All of it.  The lame thing (bolero) on her shoulders, the color and the slip thingy hanging out.  BOOOOO!  (Poor Anna, I like her, but her skill set reminds me of Ping's... just not ready for this show.)

Poor Janeane babbles about being inspired by the ocean and the seashell lines in the detail of the dress.  (Huh???  Ocean??  WHY?)  

Kors calls the bolero seaweed and criticizes the dress for having too many seams.  (Agreed!)  He goes on to say its not a dress that you can put "cover lines" over on a magazine.  It will get passed by.  Heidi says its not fashion forward at all.  Joanna doesn't see a sea unless its polluted.  (HAHAHAHAA!)  They all agree its too sweet.  And Heidi is not sweet.  MEOW!

Auf'd... Anna:

Oh, the shorts.  Hot mess.  Like the blouse though.  Hate the vest (but that's just on principle... I'm not a vest gal).

Nina brings up that this outfit would be on Heidi who has an incredible (pregnant) figure and that this outfit washes out all curves.  Very true.  This is a good top for ME, someone who has no curves.  Joanna jumps in and says that its like she used three ingredients in a dish that would leave you slightly nauseas.  Yeeks.  But true.  Kors rants about how she wasn't designing for a teen magazine.  (TRUE!  And that makes even more sense why I liked it!  Cuz I'm a new old biddy who dresses age inappropriately!)  He goes on to say that she totally missed what Marie Claire magazine is about (CLOTHES I CAN NOT AFFORD!), who their reader is (ME!) and who her model would be (ME!  OH Heidi... shoot).  Heidi says the garments are made well but she didn't push the envelope enough.  (Direct contradiction to Tim Gunn's words earlier... oy.)

I honestly would have sent Janeane home over Anna.  Anna at least knows how to sew.  BUT, if I had my way, Anna would have been sent home over Jesus last week.  Sigh...

Next week on Project Runway... KID MODELS!  So that means we have another worthless episode of Models of the Runway not only coming up next, but on tap for next week.  ANGRY FISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MODELS OF THE RUNWAY:

I'll admit it... I skipped right to the end.  Janeane's model, Kasey, is out and Anna's model, Cerri, is in.  Which doesn't matter since none of the girls are modeling in the next episode and will get cut for no good reason.

I usually say "Until next week, make it work," but I think we all know it's just bullshit at this point.  BS!!!

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