Is it that time of year already?

"Another year, shot in the ass."

-- Bob "Mr. Daddy" Eolin

Fact:  I am not going to miss 2009.  

Fact: if I the New Year's Baby could let the door mightily hit 2009s ass on the way out, that would be absolutely fine with me.  

Fact:  I can be petty. 

As I sit in NYC, my new home for the last 12 days, I think about what I'd like to happen in my life in 2010.  Other than the usual items of timeless beauty, unlimited money and a spot as a guest judge Project Runway, here's what I came up with (and they are in no particular order so shut up about my priorities!):

*  That I stop saying "shut up." (Good luck...!)

*  Wear more hoodies because they make me feel like I'm wearing a hug

*  People realize there is no such thing as "too much kindness"  

*  Lots of great family time!

*  Getting tea on tap in my kitchen.  And my bedroom.  And next to my couch.  But not in the bathroom.  Even I have limits.

*  Patience with things I don't understand.  ("Things" range from other people's extreme views to bad fashion choices to figuring out how to shut off a new fangled alarm clock...)

*  More time with the television turned OFF

*  More painting 

*  More writing

*  MORE BACON

*  Becoming more computer/tech savvy

*  Volunteering at a dog rescue 

*  Being a fab aunt to my "soon-to-arrive" nephew!

*  Being a better friend

*  Giving my senior dog, Matilda, another great year

*  Not being so hard on myself (unless I totally deserve it)

*  Start to learn a new language

*  Visit more museums

*  See more shows... all kinds!

*  Laughing!!

Oh sure - throw world peace in there, but I was actually going for things that have a shot at happening. (Maybe I should add: "Be less cynical" to my list?  Nah...)

Happy New Year!

May I introduce the New Clark Griswold!

My friend, Shannon, delights me to no end.  He's always up to something technologically advanced that I don't understand and he then has to explain to me like I'm 3.  And I still don't get it.

I'm lucky if I can change a light bulb and not singe something on my person.  Here's what this guy just casually put together for Christmas.  A complete light show choreographed to music. I didn't even put a wreath on my door. (Oh sure, I was moving from LA to NYC and technically didn't have a door, but its the principle of the statement.)

Behold - Clark Griswold for the new millennium!

What's This? from Shannon Monroe on Vimeo.

Holiday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Santa Claus,

Okay, okay.  This letter is a little late.  I get it so you can stop with all that frowning and scowling.  Do you want beard lines, mister??  They don't make an Olay product for men of your age, you know.  (Perhaps you can get the elves to work on this?)

I have only one request this Christmas and it involves my mother.  Oh sure, she's a very well meaning lady and such... but she's INSISTING that we EAT BREAKFAST before opening presents.  I KNOW?!  Blasphemy, right??  So I'd like to ask that you put a little holiday nog in her stocking so that she forgets her silly decree and let's us act like the children we want to be.  (Or at least she lets ME be the child that I need to be.  That I usually am.  Who the hell are we kidding?  I never grew up, ergo the hoodies...) That would be ever so appreciated!

Candy Canes & Gum Drop Dreams,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I'd also like a five pound bag of money.
PPS - In hundreds.
PPPS - I'm kinda serious.

****

Dear Holiday Cookies,

STOP BEING FATTENING.

Curves isn't just a gym,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Why isn't brocolli a good cookie ingredient?

PPS - Why is my metabolism slowing as I get older?

PPPS - Please don't answer that.

PPPPS - I cry easily.

****

Dear Post Christmas Sales,

OOOO!  My favorite time of year when everything is on extra special discount! FRUGAL FISTS!

However, I'd like to ask that fellow shoppers not trash the store whilst shopping for post-holiday delights.  I completely understand the thrill of finding a pair of pants that cost just $8, (SQUEEE!!!) but you need not throw all the ones that aren't your size on the floor while you sort frantically for your size.  You need not also bring your ENTIRE FAMILY out shopping if they aren't participating in the festivities.  Leave them at home with some hot chocolate and your inlaws.  For reals.  20 children running around a bra store while their weary grandparents and dad sleep pig-pile style on a tiny chaise is not a good time for me.  (Especially when they decide to stick their heads under the dressing room doors and witness the horror that is me trying on/cursing at a bra.  I'm just saying, the crying gets annoying after awhile...)

Oh one last thing: If people could just not fart in the dressing rooms and then leave it in there to steep into the walls like a fine tea, I'd be ever so appreciative.  I know we all over-do with the holiday eating (boy howdy!) and between the excitement and trying to fit into a size that we were before the holiday binge, I get it, you let one go.  But let's pre-plan this year and pop a Gas-X before the big shopping trip, okay? 

Discounts FTW,

Jennifer (Eolin)

****

Dear Blog Readers,

Thank you for letting me entertain you for yet another year! Thank you for letting me complain and whine as only a New Old Biddy can.  I look forward to annoying you in 2010 with my journeys in NYC.  We'll see if the city can survive me.  I'm a lot to handle. (Not that way, perv...)

Much joy and laughter to you all this holiday season!

Holiday fists!
Jennifer (Eolin)

NYC & "Assignment: Jennifer!" Project Runway "extras"!

I'm in my final days of packing for NYC.  Movers are here at 10am tomorrow.  I faint around 10:01am and am then left for dead at approximately 10:05am.  My roadtrip east starts Wednesday morning as does an inevitable radio silence from the internet as A) I can't blog while driving, B) my phone just makes phone calls and receives texts, C) if my hotel doesn't have free internet, I'm not paying for it cuz I'm a frugal biddy.

I will be "tweeting" from the road though (as my phone is capable of that).  You can follow me here to share in my journey.  (Disclaimer: Follow at your own risk.  I could tweet a lot or not very much.  You could get annoyed or fall madly in love with me.  This is a "you" problem to deal with.)

But before I leave, I wanted to give you the final "DVD Extras" for Assignment: Jennifer!  Find out some fun facts about Kojii and then hear what the models have to say about Project Runway.  

Happy December - next time I blog, I'll be in NYC!  :)

Extra #1:  How Kojii met The New Old Biddy

"Assignment: Jennifer!" - Extra #1 from Jennifer Eolin on Vimeo.

Extra #2:  Kojii's first "runway" experience...

"Assignment: Jennifer!" - Extra #2 from Jennifer Eolin on Vimeo.

Extra #3:  Kojii & her castle

"Assignment: Jennifer!" - Extra #3 from Jennifer Eolin on Vimeo.

Extra #4:  The Skinny

"Assignment: Jennifer!" - Extra #4 from Jennifer Eolin on Vimeo.

Real People in "Project Runway" Clothes (AKA: How to Lose Your Self-Worth in One Easy Outfit)

Sometimes, I shouldn't be adventurous.  I should stay a fuddy duddy biddy who likes to watch re-runs of "Law & Order" on TNT all day long whilst lounging comfortably in my Nerds Candy Jammie Bottoms and tank top.  But no.  I say, "Yes, and!" to things.  I have nobody to blame but myself for the events that occurred in my apartment this fair evening.

But to get to the present, we need to go in the "way-back machine" for a bit.

Let's float back in time to when life was a little easier and Project Runway was just getting started for the season.  Remember when Tim Gunn was put out of his element?

"I'm still not sure who to sue over this complete breach of footwear."

It was Episode 3 and hopes were still high for a good season.  It was the surf-wear challenge and I was really into this outfit by Irina & Johnny:

"Aren't I easy-breezy beautiful Covergirl in this outfit?

Oops - wrong model show."

I loved the causal-ness about it.  Loved the top.  Skirt looked fun and flouncy and light.  And the macrame (in the back not shown) is beautiful looking.  LOVE IT!

Well, my friend, Lauren, who is also a Project Runway enthusiast, bought this outfit during the online auction.  We were so excited!!  Happy fists!  (Tangent: the site said it would take 6-8 weeks to deliver.  In short: LIES!  It took 3908432049 years.  Okay, not that long, but she bought it in September and it JUST got here.  You do the math.  Even that new public school math.  Either works.) 

So Lauren showed up TODAY with the outfit and said: "Why don't you put it on?" I almost died.  AHHHH!  Super-duper excited dork fists!  My inner Tim Gunn swooned and said: "MAKE IT WORK!"  

"Thank goodness there's not a runway in my apartment.

I want a couch.  Not a runway.  A couch."

Ladies and gentlemen... I give you Johnny and Irina's outfit as interpreted by a gal (me) who is not 6' tall nor a size 0 or 2.  Voila...

Matilda: "Now I understand why Nina Garcia looks pissed all the time.  Woof."

I have a few things to say about this outfit (other than, "Jennifer Eolin should never wear this!!"):

1)  My arms are too "fat" to fit in the sleeves.  So I (desperately) had to make them into a jaunty scarf/handkerchief combo. Yiiiikes.

2)  Okay, so I enjoyed Thanksgiving a little bit, SHUUUUUUP!

3)  The skirt weighs 39084309438039483 pounds and adds a ton of bulk to my midsection, which seems to be creating bulk just fine on its own.  (See item #2)

4)  OMG.  Even Matida, in her adorable pink hoodie, is horrified and listed herself on Petfinder as "up for adoption."  

"So," you may be asking yourself, "can it get any worse?"  Oh yes, dear blog reader, why yes it can.... 

"Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.  Does this make my bottom look big?"

WOW.  I'm a size 4, people.  (Okay, maybe on the cusp of a size 6 [no] thanks to Thanksgiving!)  But other than some awesome calf muscles (squee!), this outfit, no matter the fit, is a miss.  NOBODY needs this much skirt.  And the hem is weird - it's shorter in the back than front (which us biddies look at as a bad thing).

But here... because I'm not totally done humiliating myself....

"BABY GOT BACK (FAT)!"

Sigh..............  I look like a tied up pork roast.  (Which actually doesn't all together horrify me - mmm, bacon!)

But in the spirit of Tim Gunn, I make one more attempt to make this work...

"I can hear Kojii, Katie and Fatma laughing at me from here..."

"Pissed fists!"

So then, because I'm a spiteful wench, I made my friend, Lauren, put it on.  Now.  People.  I must warn you. Lauren is very ugly.  VERY UGLY.  So keep that in mind when looking at her:

"Thank goodness I have a wonderful personality."

I warned you!  HIDEOUS, right???

She's a size 2 for real, so the skirt fits her better, but still, it's got so much bulk in it.  And she had to struggle to get her pin thin arms in those sleeves (which honestly could double as a blood pressure cuff).  But then she turned around and well let's just say things got worse:

"I can't 'smize' with my butt."

In short, neither of us liked this outfit in the back.  Bubble butts for sure.  No matter the (awkward) pose.  But we both agree that the macrame in back is truly beautiful (when not stretched to the max over my back fat):

"See, this is what it should look like.

Maybe Jennifer should lay off the bacon..."

So then for kicks, Lauren tried it on with her jeans just to see if it was better without the skirt:

Lauren does her best impression of the balloon

man outside the local cell phone store.

STILL WIDE.  The hips are wide due to the way the band at the bottom has a double layer of fabric. If it was a single layer, it wouldn't lay as bulky.  Oh sure, neither Lauren and I are the "correct size" for this garment, but still.  Anybody over a size 00 needs just a single layer of fabric.  And shorter sleeves.  Seriously.  

But some points of interest on the garment, since it's sold "as is" are the damages that come with it:

Lauren's armpit is now SAG eligible.

Who's fault is this?  Steamer?  Double sided tape?

I can only imagine what Johnny and Irina would say after seeing this blog:

Johnny: "I hate Jennifer Eolin."

Irina: "Me too."

Logan (off-screen): "ME THREE!"

****

Go to MyLifetime for more Project Runway extras!

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Watch "Assignment: Jennifer!" featuring Project Runway models: Kojii, Katie and Fatma!

Craig's List = Freak Magnet

For any of you following me on Facebook, you know that 1) I'm moving to NYC next week, 2) I have a lot of stuff and 3) I'm prone to panic about not being able to sell all my stuff.  In short, I'm a hopping good time these days.  HOPPING.

So I've posted a ton of things on Craig's List in hopes of selling them off and finding my things new homes.  What I did not expect from Craig's List, maybe because I'm a naive biddy as well as a new old one, is the CRAZY emails I would get that have nothing to do with my stuff that's for sale.  

The following is my favorite which arrived this morning.  I have yet to understand it.  But I do giggle at it.

Hi there

I sttarted at your statement on craigslst and so though you'd be interested in this newsletter. That aid me produce dollars on line. You'll never have to deal certain thing on crqgslist,as she and me. Trust me Im an ordinary guy like you and I was usually in denile about these stuiped schemes until I gave it a try. I let you see by yourself.

bye

There are many things about this letter that delight me:

1)  I never made a statement on Craig's List other than, "Please by my stuff so I don't curl up in the fetal position."

2)  I adore the fact that Craig's List is misspelled throughout.

3)  "She and me."  

4)  I am not an ordinary guy!  Assuming such a thing, sir, just makes an ass out of you and me.  (Or she and me... depending.)

5)  "Denile" isn't just a river in Africa apparently.

So now I'm torn between wanting to sell my stuff and wanting to keep it online so I can receive more humorous emails.  Oh the trials and tribulations of a jackassy and panicked biddy...