OH HI!
My name is Matilda. My Lady asked me to do a guest blog for her today. "But I'm a DOG," I barked. To which she retorted, "So what? I'm an ass and I blog all the time." Touche, Lady. Touche.
So this blog is being written by little ol' me. (I'm so gonna drink her generic Slim Fast she left out... lazy daisy!) Lady's asleep on the couch dreaming about bacon. I can tell because she's sighing and giggling. (PS - If she's not dreaming about bacon, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT! LALALALLAAALLAA!)
Alright, let's get to it...
Today was a really good day. Before I came to live with Lady, I was rescued by the Best Friends Animal Society and lived with my Foster Mom. She's a wonderful woman who took care of me for 5 months before Lady found me online (creepy much?) and then adopted me. So Foster Mom came to visit me and Lady this morning. And we went to my favorite place - Aroma Cafe!
There weren't any paparazzi around today. I found this disappointing as I wore my good blue bow just in case. Sigh... What's a dog gotta do to get in People Magazine, hmm?? Hmph.
Anywho, I love going to cafes. Why? FOOD. Lots and lots of food. Oh the sniffs I can smell!
My Lady is a dumb dork though. She ordered FRUIT and YOGURT. BLECH. She's so self-centered with her order. I CAN'T SMELL YOGURT AND FRUIT! She never thinks about me. Where, for the love of Lassie, is the bacon?!? Hmmm? You're the Bacon Lady, Lady! Order bacon!
"Keep the kiwi. I'd rather drink from the community dog dish. And you know how I feel about the community dog dish..."
Thankfully, Foster Mom ordered a crab cake sandwich. MUCH BETTER SNIFFS.
"OOOO! Crab cakes! Did you know I LOOOOVE crab cakes? Hmm? Can I have some? Hmmm? Please? Now? How 'bout now? Okay, now. Please? Hmmm?
HOW CAN YOU SAY 'NO' TO THESE EYES??"
Sigh... she said 'no' to these eyes. Phooey.
Therefore, I shall pout...
I'm a good pouter. I take after my Lady. Holy kibble-n-bits, she's a champion.So then the worst thing in the world happened. Awful. Worse than global warming. Worse than war. Worse than reality television. Lady said the most awful thing in the world to me.
"Time to go home," she cooed.
In a word: UN-FREAKING-ACCEPTABLE.
I had to let her know what I felt about this plan. So I put on the brakes, and even though I'm only 12 lbs., I am pretty immovable when I want to be. THIS being one of those times. I had so many more sniffs to smell! That guy next to us ordered LOBSTER. SERIOUSLY! Do you know how nifty that smelled? Plus I had more people to greet! I'm a social pooch!! Don't take me home!
Sadly, Lady weighs more than I do (but I won't tell you by how much because I want to make sure I get dinner --but it's by A LOT!) so she won this battle.
But I got even...
"STOP DROP AND ROLL, BITCHES!"Take that, Lady. Now I smell like crabgrass and doody.
So that was my day. I spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch (after she wiped off my new perfume - BOOO!). I was worn out from our outing and my visit with Foster Mom. But I had things to do. I had to rest up for snack time and dinner time. And then bed time.
Okay, Lady is making noises. Time to publish!
Happy sniffs!
Hi Matilda! Great job on your blog! And don't be so hard on the Lady, as she is only looking out for your best interests. Though I have to say I don't know what's up with her wiping off your perfume. I mean really.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your first blog! I hope there are many more from you in the future! And more from The Lady too!
Matilda, you need to take Lady out a lot more. Have you seen '101 Dalmations' yet? Not a bad film, ignore the scary woman, cuz you're not a dalmation. did you know that?
ReplyDeleteAnyways, take Lady out, and wrap yourself up with another dog's leash, one that might be owned by a Man type. Since you live in LA, use your sniffing powers to discern whether Man is GayMan first. If you can't tell by your sniffer, look for latex glove past the wrist, matching clothes (what Lady doesn't wear), and nice shoes no matter what.
Instead, try to find Man with a hoodie, not too old, not too young, just right. Make sure Man sees Lady, and then don't move at all, so Man will talk to Lady. KEY: Don't sniff Man's crotch yet. I know you want to protect Lady and all, but it's too soon to go there, trust me.
I enjoyed your blog. Next time, you have to give the Puparazzi a heads-up that you'll be out. Tell them you just sniffed Paris Hilton's poodle-butt and you have much to reveal. They'll be out in droves.
Then try to make sure your nice bow matches Lady's hoodie. Don't wanna end up on a 'What Were They Thinking' worst doggie-dressed list, now do we?
Bacon.
Matilda,
ReplyDeleteI don't find it funny that you decided to roll around in perfume to get back at Lady. I to had this happen to me just yesterday and it wasn't pretty! Any whoo, I think you're adorable!