Monday, July 13, 2009

The DMV and Me

One word + one acronym = The DMV.


The mere mention of the DMV makes my stomach flip in a way that would make Shawn Johnson grow with envy. Perhaps it was that I failed my first driver's test and was so humiliated that I swore (loudly) I'd just embrace public transportation. (I did not embrace it.) Perhaps it was because my mother was a nervous driver. (VERY nervous.) Or perhaps my anxiety stems from watching License to Drive with the Cory's.

"An innocent girl, a harmless drive.
What could possibly go wrong?"

(I'm betting on the Cory's...)

So this past May, not only did I have the (dis)pleasure of turning a year older, but I also had the (extreme dis)pleasure of making a trip to the DMV to renew my license. Thankfully, my visit was uneventful. I paid for a new license, they said I didn't need to take a new picture as the old one would suffice and they issued me a temporary license. Total time inside the DMV... 15 minutes! (I counted!) Ahhhh, DMV BLISS!

I was so happy! UNTIL... The license never came in the mail. (Natch, why would it?) AND, my temp license... EXPIRED!? Wha---? Why does this have an expiration date and why am I noticing this 2 weeks after it expired?! (Gulp...)

"We were able to retrieve your test results from the computer.
And as I suppose you already know, YOU FAILED.
God giveth, and the DMV taketh away.
You mustn't fuck with the Department of Motor Vehicles.
We can make your life a living hell."

So today I called the DMV. After sitting on hold for 22 minutes (I counted!) I talked to "Operator 19." Here's how it went down:

ME: "Hi! I never got my license in the mail after I paid for it in person at the DMV."
#19: "Mmm. Let me look that up for you."
After an exchange of info, time passes...
#19: "Oh, the computer says your picture didn't turn out."
ME: "What do you mean my picture 'didn't turn out'?"
#19: "The picture they took didn't come out."
ME: "They didn't take one."
#19: "No, it just didn't come out."
#19: "Mmmmm..."
ME: "She said we could just use my current picture."
#19: "No. They needed to take a picture."
ME: (swallowing rage) "Do you know why I wasn't made aware of this fact? Like a letter or something saying, 'Your license was unable to be processed, please return to the DMV' or something like that?"
#19: "Mm-mm."
ME: (swallowing bile) "OKAY! So what do we do from here?"
#19: "Well you need to go to the DMV, but someone has to drive you since you let your temporary license expire."
ME: "LET?! LET??!?? I didn't LET anything expire. I was there 5 days before it expired to take care of this. I AM A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING WHO DOESN'T EVEN JAY WALK!!"
#19: "We'll impound your car if you drive it. You don't want that."
ME: (now spewing bile and rage) "But, I didn't do anything wrong!"
#19: "You should have taken a picture!"


On a positive note: I'm proud of myself for not throwing my telephone through the wall. (I'm not dumb, that would come out of my security deposit!) Instead, I typed angrily into Google: "DMV, CA." I made an appointment to go to the DMV on WEDNESDAY. You know, in two days. First available appointment. Swell.

So I'm holed up in my apartment like a Branch Davidian, just waiting for the government to give me the okay to re-join the population at large. So until then, I'll live a life outside of my apartment vicariously by playing SimCity 4, (complete with the Rush Hour Expansion Pack)! I know what you're thinking, "Not too bad for a kid without her license, huh?"


  1. It's a good thing Janet Reno hasnt heard abnything about this. And for a fee, she won't.

  2. Do you need me to drive you around? ;-)

  3. and...and you're seriously not going to drive for the two day period????

    What kind of LA person ARE you?!?!?

  4. I lost my license after acting like such an alcoholic and getting behind the wheel after I went to a bar.

  5. I'm thankful DMV Alaska is not that annoying compared to CA DMV.



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