Monday, June 22, 2009

The journey continues!

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love.
But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer.
To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer.
But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer,
or suffer from too much happiness.
I hope you're getting this down."
-- Woody Allen

Single life is wonderfully interesting and crazy-ass boring at the same time. It's a series of fabulous highs and serious lows. In short, it's just freakin' different.

I feel guilty for feeling sad that I'm single. I'm not longing to get married (been there, bought the t-shirt) or even live with someone as I'm cool with my pooch, Matilda, as my only roommate. I have no biological clock so I'm not looking for a baby daddy. I just want a partner in life, that's all. And Target doesn't have an aisle for that. Condom aisle, sure. But someone to put in those condoms, not so much.

I've mentioned previously that I joined online dating. I'd like to propose that "online is to dating as Velveeta is to food." It's misleading, it smells like rotten cheese and is ultimately gaaaaa-ross. You would NOT believe the guys who have contacted me. Seriously.

After I weed out the 19-year-olds (who must have Mommy issues) and then weed out the over 50 crowd (because I don't have Daddy issues), I then read the messages from guys my own age. Which averages to about 3 guys out of the 100 messages. And holy tea bags, these guys are ridiculous. Thank GOD I'm a comedian or I'd be guzzling some Draino right about now.

This one guy emails me and starts out by saying: "Just because you have one bad picture, should that stop me from emailing you? No!" Ummmmmm. Dude. Seriously. THAT'S your opening line? IF I had written him back (which is hard not to do because A) it's rude not to, B) I was raised to write back and C) OMG I had so much to say!!) I would have said, "Hi! Thanks for the criticism! Since we're being so open, here's a tip for you: You should wear a shirt. ALWAYS. All of your pics are shirtless. You are not Fabio. But you do resemble a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Smooches!" Asshat.

Then there was a guy who's handle is "Shamwowza" and THANK YOU GOD, he's a cute guy! Finally! He contacted me and here's our (f'ing incredibly odd) exchange:

SHAMWOWZA: (re: your profile) Mind games, no... but board games, yes. Can you play pinochle?

JENNIFER: Nope. Can you absorb 20x your own weight?

SHAMWOWZA: Don't start with the bodyweight games!!! But I will say if you can do it, I can do it!!!

JENNIFER: BTW, your profile is ever so brief. But knowing you were rejected from eharmony is a plus.

SHAMWOWZA: I might start a website for all eHarmony rejects:
for the proud:
for the sensitive:
and for the sensitive but never-get 'em down crowd, we can have:

I have many things I'd like to share with people...certain people...not everyone
so, yes, my profile is ever so brief

the end
and remember
to shamwow

WHAT?!?!??!?!?! THE END?!?! WTF?! If you didn't want to talk to me... WHY DID YOU MESSAGE ME!? (And by the way, I think the product Shamwow is a piece of crap in real life, so I should have known this guy was just also a lot of hype.)


"I was nauseous and tingly all over.
It was either love or I had smallpox."
--Woody Allen

In the meantime, I'm trying not to become bitter. I hate those people. "I'm broken," is one of the lamest excuses of why one can't love or trust. I never want to say that and mean it. I just have to remember, I'm just heart broken, not an unfeeling asshole. I want to keep trying. I want to not lose hope. I want to love and be loved back. And I will NOT settle. Ever. I have too much suffering to do!


  1. Jeez girl, stop reading my diary entries! I think should be called, because all the men I have met there were straight out of a relationship! thanks!

    And Woody Allen is amazing. Sleeper is one of my favorite movies of all time. :)


  2. Could he have meant 'the end' as in 'and...scene'. He sounds kind of darling and funny....but that's why I suck at those dating sites.

    Oh's my online dating experience...funny online banter then a meet in person and an '' right to my face. How's that for charming? <---- that would be my website.

    You're too interesting a person for the online dating world, it's not for you. Get out now.

  3. I'm all for as a dating site. Let's set it up and be millionaire and rescue dogs. :)

    HA! I can't get out now - I'm too addicted to the carnage - it's fascinating!

  4. Don't leave it up to those asshats to contact you... contact people YOU want to talk to. That way, if they don't respond, fine- but at least you're a little more in control because you're doing the picking. I've been online dating before and I don't think I ever went out with someone who had contacted me... I was the one who had initiated the convos. Girls rule, boys drool! (Or something mature like that :o) )

  5. Those Woody Allen quotes are genius, particular the one on top, the Diane Keaton monologue from Love and Death -- which was my away message for like a year straight a few years ago.

    Give yourself some credit Eolin, even if the 19 year olds who've contacted you do indeed have "mommy issues," they still chose to contact you and not someone else less desirable...

    Keep your chin up and keep suffering, it's fun!

  6. Woody Allen is a genius with words, isn't he? With stepdaughters, not so much. (Too soon?)

  7. I agree with the person who said you should do the contacting. That way you are weeding out some of those asshats from the get-go. I am a big proponent of online dating - at least giving it a shot with an open mind. It worked out for me, until it didn't as we are now getting divorced but that has nothing to do with the way we met. And of course there were some freakazoid stories of other crazies I met in the process too - but they're now great stories. Anyway, I'm all about exploring your options, taking control of things as much as you can, and certainly NOT settling.

  8. Meeting people online worked for me, but only after many, many failures. Meanwhile, the experience is a gold mine if you like to study people. And of course, comedy.

  9. At least you didn't have 7 hour-long phone conversations with the guy before meeting him and discovering that he's germaphobic. No, really. Handiwipes in his pocket to wipe downt he movie theatre seat, germaphobic. Thanks for wasting my time, ass. (But also thanks for the funtastic story, I guess.)

    You might wanna try It's free (woo!) and while that might sound like it only attracks ghetto types, it's at least more fun to weed out the baddies on this site because it's Chock Full of quizzes. :) They compare your quiz results to people who contact you and give you percentage ratings (like you're 67% Friend, 30% Enemy, 80% Love match, or whatever). So you know right away whose profiles to avoid clicking on, lol.


  10. um. i was just hoping we could eat sushi or drink tea. and discuss stand-up comedy routines. and possibly quickhug after.

    i didn't realize i'd be expected to absorb 20x my body weight...oh, wait. I'm not a shamwow, and I'm not Vince and I don't have to beat up prostitutes who bite their kissin' tongues.

    But I do admire Woody Allen for his stepdaughter-predating abilities. Even Chris Hanson got stumped with that one. "Why not have a seat, sir. Did you send this to Soon Yi?"

    "Of course, she's my daughter. I can send her anything I want."

    "Step-daughter, sir, to be precise."



    "Correct. Now can you leave? I want to enjoy the cookies she just made me."

    It's never too soon for a Soon Yi/Woody Allen joke, especially since they're still together. So, like Mary Kay Letorneau (sp?) and her asian boychild, it was meant to be.

    Anyways, hope to see you when I'm down there in 2 weeks or so. We can watch a gay film together at the DGA.



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