"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love.
But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer.
To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer.
But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer,
or suffer from too much happiness.
I hope you're getting this down."
-- Woody Allen
Single life is wonderfully interesting and crazy-ass boring at the same time. It's a series of fabulous highs and serious lows. In short, it's just freakin' different.
I feel guilty for feeling sad that I'm single. I'm not longing to get married (been there, bought the t-shirt) or even live with someone as I'm cool with my pooch, Matilda, as my only roommate. I have no biological clock so I'm not looking for a baby daddy. I just want a partner in life, that's all. And Target doesn't have an aisle for that. Condom aisle, sure. But someone to put in those condoms, not so much.
I've mentioned previously that I joined online dating. I'd like to propose that "online is to dating as Velveeta is to food." It's misleading, it smells like rotten cheese and is ultimately gaaaaa-ross. You would NOT believe the guys who have contacted me. Seriously.
After I weed out the 19-year-olds (who must have Mommy issues) and then weed out the over 50 crowd (because I don't have Daddy issues), I then read the messages from guys my own age. Which averages to about 3 guys out of the 100 messages. And holy tea bags, these guys are ridiculous. Thank GOD I'm a comedian or I'd be guzzling some Draino right about now.
This one guy emails me and starts out by saying: "Just because you have one bad picture, should that stop me from emailing you? No!" Ummmmmm. Dude. Seriously. THAT'S your opening line? IF I had written him back (which is hard not to do because A) it's rude not to, B) I was raised to write back and C) OMG I had so much to say!!) I would have said, "Hi! Thanks for the criticism! Since we're being so open, here's a tip for you: You should wear a shirt. ALWAYS. All of your pics are shirtless. You are not Fabio. But you do resemble a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Smooches!" Asshat.
Then there was a guy who's handle is "Shamwowza" and THANK YOU GOD, he's a cute guy! Finally! He contacted me and here's our (f'ing incredibly odd) exchange:
SHAMWOWZA: (re: your profile) Mind games, no... but board games, yes. Can you play pinochle?
JENNIFER: Nope. Can you absorb 20x your own weight?
SHAMWOWZA: Don't start with the bodyweight games!!! But I will say if you can do it, I can do it!!!
JENNIFER: BTW, your profile is ever so brief. But knowing you were rejected from eharmony is a plus.
SHAMWOWZA: I might start a website for all eHarmony rejects:for the proud: eHarmonyNOT.com
for the sensitive: eHarmonyHurtMyEgo.com
and for the sensitive but never-get 'em down crowd, we can have:
I have many things I'd like to share with people...certain people...not everyone
so, yes, my profile is ever so brief
WHAT?!?!??!?!?! THE END?!?! WTF?! If you didn't want to talk to me... WHY DID YOU MESSAGE ME!? (And by the way, I think the product Shamwow is a piece of crap in real life, so I should have known this guy was just also a lot of hype.)
"I was nauseous and tingly all over.
It was either love or I had smallpox."
In the meantime, I'm trying not to become bitter. I hate those people. "I'm broken," is one of the lamest excuses of why one can't love or trust. I never want to say that and mean it. I just have to remember, I'm just heart broken, not an unfeeling asshole. I want to keep trying. I want to not lose hope. I want to love and be loved back. And I will NOT settle. Ever. I have too much suffering to do!