Project Runway: Season 11, Episode 1

I'm not watching Project Runway, 

but I'mma blog about it.

Guidelines for reading this blog:

* Understand that I CAN NOT SEW. My version of sewing is ironing clothes. Absorb that.

* I have no time to watch the episodes, but I have time to be snarky about the final products that wander down the runway. Which leads us to the next rule...

* I am a comedian. Take nothing I say to heart/seriously. Just laugh, life is happier than way.

* My goal with this blog is to see how being blind to the challenges, judges, contestants, etc., affects my judgments. I'm interested to see if I like things that fans universally hate because they know the back-story and vice versa.

* Anything I DO find out about the show will be through my natural course of life on the interwebs via Twitter and Facebook. But I will not seek anything out or click on any articles. I will merely see headlines and comments. That's all.
* If any of these guildelines give you hives, move along unless you have an EpiPen handy.

* (PS - excuse the formatting of the pictures as Blogger is still a hot mess. Or maybe I am. I'm willing to believe it might be a little of both. But mostly Blogger.)

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Woo hoo! My first Project Runway blog since... well a long time. (Let's not dwell on that. Bygones.) I am going to judge the outfits based on my thoughts and into the usual categories: Safe, Top 2 + Winner and Bottom 2 + Auf'd Outfit. Enough chit-chat! Let's begin!


SAFE:







To me this dress looks like two things got together and had a baby:















AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?

So why is it not in the bottom 2 or auf'd if I hate this "Mullet Dress" trend? I consider this look "safe" because it's not totally offensive (and there was so much BAD in this first round). There seem to be no glaring sewing or construction issues... other than the mullet around her lady bits.

Next....






Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......................................... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Wait, what's going on with the fabric on the shoulder blades? Oh never mind, I lost interest because zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

....I'm awake! What's next?







Oh yay. Another potato sack. Sigh......... NEXT!








I am irrationally mad at that pocket. I LOVE the dress. Really, I do. The dress on its own is GORGEOUS. And if it were JUST the dress, it'd be a top 2 look. But what the hell is up with the "Crossing Guard Needs A Pocket Sash"? WHAT IS THAT? It looks tied on and as though it belongs on a Brownie outfit. PLUS, the pocket is at a horrible angle as NOBODY puts their hand in a pocket that freaking high. And the tab in the back isn't flush with the garment. So sad. It really feels like the designer panicked that their dress wasn't fancy enough and then rushed an accessory which tanks the whole look. I almost put this in the bottom, but so many other outfits made me angry...

Does it get better?







Nope. Sure doesn't.

Love the fabric, hate the fit. WHAT is happening in the back? It looks like it's about to fall right off her (barely there) shoulders. Sigh.........

Last in my "Safe" pile:






The shoes ruin it for me. I like the color, but the tassels are........ odd.

This dress is just "Meh." Sewed well, love the color and fabric, but the mesh stuff just looks like she's afraid of getting mosquito bites in one certain area.

Okay, enough of this! Let's get to the good stuff............

TOP 2:









It's basic, but I like it. Except for the crotch. (Like Kors, it's always the crotch with me. Ahem.) It looks like there's a little excitement in the front and she's happy to see us in the same way that rowing team was happy to see us in the Olympics. (Not that I looked at that picture for very long............ at.................................. all......................mmmmmmmmm.)

                                         
                                                        "Where did we leave our oars?" 

Oops, hi, I'm back. And I showered, so it's all good. Where were we....?

Back to the outfit...... I LOVE the colors, the asymmetry of the shirt, the openings in the front of the pants that high light the shoe. It feels stylish and not over done. The panels on the exposed hip are great. The colors are harmonious. The styling is right on. Has this broken the mold on fashion? No. But, HAPPY FISTS HAVE RETURNED! (And so has the rowing team as my background on my computer....)

Next in my top 2:









The model is solid, styling is solid and I like the corset look in the back. The neckline is great and the fit seems really well tailored to the model's body. Again, nothing has been reinvented here, but it's just a good, solid dress that is styled well.

MY WINNER:







PERFECTION. LOOK AT THAT CROTCH! WHAT A GOOD CROTCH!

First of all, the model is strong and styled completely on target. This outfit really works on her. On me it would look like I tucked a table cloth in my bloomers. But that's okay! This is for the youngin's and on her it is GORGEOUS. (My guess is Heidi wanted to wear this one.)

Okay, now my bottom choices and the auf'd choice. PS, there are more than just a bottom 2....

BOTTOM MANY (why so much bad?):







This design pisses me off. While the fabric is nice and I like how it looks as she walks (according to the picture of her walking away) I CAN NOT GET PAST THE RACE CAR BELT. It looks to me like the designer said, "Ehermergerd! I made a basic dress! I NEED TO LOOK EDGY! Quick! A race flag as a belt!" It doesn't work together with the jungle motif (which is already busy enough).

In short, boring, no sense of style, bad editing and.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Onwards....






What the......... f*ck. How did you make your model look like she has the thickest legs in the world on top of looking like the hottest mess in the world? Oh I see, the skirt is too short, the shoes cut the line of her leg and that weird mid-drift looks like the pieces don't fit (and are too small for her frame) and that TOP KNOT ON HER HEAD?!? What's happening here? Did someone have a stroke? Did someone smell toast and not get the help they needed?

Plus, that mesh on top looks like she walked through a screened door and just kept on walking.


                                        
                               "And then she went on Project Runway and was never seen again."
                                                       (photo credit Cover My World)


Ugh, next....










Great. One walks through a screen door, this one walks through a clothes line from a Dickens novel. Hey lady, THE ORPHANS WANT THEIR CLOTHES BACK!

                                                 
                                          "I'd ask for more but bitch, please, that's ugly..." 


Guh. Next...






I can't even............. She looks like a CHILD. This is an outfit for a CHILD. The styling is childish. (I like the shoes, but too little too late.) While this looks really well done from a sewing standpoint, I can NOT get behind how infantile this outfit seems. Is it that stupid top knot on her head? What is it? I just can't look at this and not feel dirty. Let's just move on and pretend this didn't happen.......

Is there more bad? Oh yes......... there is..........






Q: Why does this model look so sad?

A: BECAUSE SHE IS WEARING A TWO-TONES SHAPELESS SACK.

This dress looks like it's pulling in the front from some bad sewing and ..... and........... boring.

And last before announcing my Auf'd but not least... okay maybe almost least:






No. Stop it. She's like a weird Black and White Cookie. But the lowfat kind that taste like cardboard.

And now...... finally.....................

MY AUF'D LOOK:






NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Bad designer. BAD DESIGNER!

First of all, THE CROTCH. So low.What is she carrying in there? (I don't want to know...)

I also hate jumpsuits. You can't pay me enough to wear one. They always look like, to quote Tim Gunn, "a lot of look."

And finally, BLUE ALLIGATOR? What is that fabric? I think it would look elegant as a dress, but this looks like a pair of pants I got for $19 I got at what my sister called, "The Slut Store" in NYC back in the 90s.


                                         
                                                         "What did you do to Mom?!?!" 

The pants are too long and just fit poorly. It looks horrible. The only thing I like about the back is that the outfit is getting as far away from me as possible. Auf wierdersehen, baby. You're out.

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So there she is. A blog written about a show I haven't watched. I know it's all group challenges this season, but that's it. I have no idea who the designers are that are responsible for the good, the bad or the hideously ugly. So please, comment away! Let me know how I did compared to the judges on the show!

(PS - I'll work on my Blogger/Picture skills. Some of the pics, no matter how hard I tried, would not flush to the left. WHY IS IT SO HARD? WHY AM I A LUDDITE? WHY AM I SINGLE? Ooops, inner monologue coming out again.....)

Rent The Runway!

Last night I had the pleasure of going to Rent The Runway's party for Our Runway (a new section on their website that shows real people in their clothes vs. just models). I APPLAUD THIS. So my sister (who uses RTR a lot for events) and I ordered dresses (free of charge for the event), tarted up and sallied forth into the night. (It should be noted, I've not sallied forth in quite some time.)

This is the dress I ordered and wore, Missoni's "Lost At Sea" dress that rents for $175.

I eat air, but only organic air.

It should be noted, I did not look like this lady in that dress. Not even close. I feel that to wear this dress successfully, you must be a size 0/2 and be in AMAZING shape.  I'm a size 6, in okay shape and should have picked something else. Something without horizontal lines across the widest part of my hips (that aren't that wide but looked it straight on) and something that has some sort of bra/boob support. (Holy Fashion Tape, Tim Gunn!)

Here's what I looked like: 

Guh.

I know, it's not bad! But one of the reasons I don't like this dress on me at all is because ZOMG I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. You see, there isn't a built in bra or any support there. NONE.  ZERO. So my boobs are all "wheeeeeeeeeeee!" and are heading off in their own directions. And not in that sexy "I'm running on the beach" sort of way.  More like in that, "Oh no the crazy lady down the street isn't wearing a bra again today, MY EYES ARE BURNING!" sort of way.  Thankfully, as I mentioned earlier, I had a pound of fashion tape with me. I was wrangled in within an inch of my life. But you can see how uncomfortable I am by the plastic smile on my face.

HOWEVER, that said, I would use Rent the Runway again in a HEARTBEAT. They have a million great dresses and their service is impeccable and easy. First, you pick the dress you want and you can get it in 2 sizes. Brilliant! Then you can even rent jewelry to go with it (although my necklace is from a very nice gentleman on the street last summer). And now that I think about it, I could have bought some of those free standing silicone boob cover thingy-ma-bobs. Yeah, that would have worked.  Bygones...  Anyhoo, when you're done, you put the dresses in a pre-paid envelope and ship it back. SO EASY IT'S STUPID.

So that was my quick detour into fashion. Today I'm back in jeans, boots, a tshirt and a knit military hat. Yeah...... maybe I should stick to pants......

Project Runway - Season 8 - Episode 1 - "And We're Baaaaaaaaaack!"

Is it me or was that the shortest hiatus ever?  Granted, I've been busier than Tim Gunn at a Macy's suit sale, but still, it seems like just yesterday Seth Aaron was crowned the (obvious) Season 7 winner:

"But enough time has passed that you forgot

about my horribly out of control faux hawk, didn't you?"

Either way, it's a new season so let's get to it!

First up - the format change! 

Now the show is 90 minutes, thanks to Models of the Runway being auf'd by the network.  Interesting.  I'll miss MOTR only because we got to know the models a bit better and had more people to root for.  So far, there's not much incorporation of the models names or anything in PR yet.  (The only fun fact we learn this episode about our uber-skinny friends is that one gal has "big boobs for a model."  Wheeeeee.)  But I'll let it slide for this episode as there were 179340834 designers to introduce, so we'll see how that plays out down the line.

Another format change is that there are now soundbites from Frau Heidi and Herr Gunn.  I enjoyed this change, however the opening where they summed up each contestant in a quick bite was jarring.  It was a montage of a bunch of names and faces I didn't know and with a blitzkrieg of information my OCD brain didn't know how to categorize and store.  It was not helpful, it was disjointed and panic inducing: "Was that it?  Was that all the introduction we get?!"  (But during this part, Heidi says "figger" instead of "figure."  This has nothing to do with anything other than I think it's absolutely adorsables.)

I enjoyed that the new designers all met in different parts of the city (instead of the tired meeting in the apartment and champagne on the roof bull honkey for the past 7 seasons) but sadly this too felt quite produced.  BUT!  I do have to hand it to the producers, they TRIED to make it different.  They listened.  We, the audience, were bored to tears.  We blogged, tweeted and yell-typed about it last season until our fingers and social media devices bled.  So they tried and for that, I approve.  (Because I know they were waiting with baited breath to see if I did or not... you know, because my opinion matters SO MUCH...)

The Characters:

Let's just talk about the stand-outs, shall we?  Let's start with Casanova.  Or as I like to call him, "The New Ping."

"Casanova is my real last name.

Not my fake one.  Which is Smith."

This guy is out of his league.  I said it.  I have no idea if it's due to his loose grasp on the English language, the culture differences or that his pants are too tight and cutting off blood to his brain, but my lord this guy is in trouble in my early (and humble!) opinion.  

(NOTE:  Remember that I can not sew.  I can not design and I certainly can not style myself.  But I can pass judgement like a champ.)

Next up in the clown parade, Mondo:

"If Orville Redenbacher and John Leguizamo had a baby,

it'd be me.  Cheese!"

Quiet, soft spoken and odd.  A little like Malvin from last season (but so far, no egg outfit).  And he's one of the only designers to not already have a line already produced.  Tim mentions that he was blown away by him at his audition.  So we'll see where Orville Leguizamo takes us this season.

And this season has a biddy on it: PEACH!

"I hope there's cheese cake 

and midnight talks about St. Olaf."

I'm glad that there's a sassy elder on the show.  And she's not even really old.  Oh right, this is America, she may as well be dead.  When you turn 50 you are considered a museum piece.  Let's hope she doesn't turn to dust during the run.  I KID!  I KID!  I'll send her some Viactiv just to make sure she's okay.

The last overt character, as far as I can tell, is Jason:

"I say old chap, have I mentioned that I'm straight yet?

I'm straight.  As an arrow.  No, ignore the hat."

OH JASON.  You silly man.  Not only do you have the dandy hat, you wear a corset with your sewing tools attached.  

"No, for real, I'm straight.  WHAT?"

What the hell, dude?  You're like a modern day Sweeney Todd.  I do not get you, sir.  I do not get you.  I know you say you're straight, but for real... you're pushing it.

OH.  And this next guy isn't really a character, but here's who I think is a super cutie and has replaced Season 6's Logan as my heart's desire...  Christopher...

"First thing tomorrow, I'm taking out a restraining

order on The New Old Biddy."

And HEY, Heidi thinks he's cute too.  So nyah.  I'm allowed.  I'm not dead yet.  As a matter of fact, Heidi and I are the same age.  She just has a lot more to show than I do.  Although I'm certain that I have more crows feet to show.  Anyhoo - let's just gawk and Christopher for a moment, shall we?

"I'm the hot dude in the middle of two awkward dudes.  

Ooops, sorry lady."

"When I make this face it seems as though I care when you speak,

and girls dig that."

Alright, back to the show... begrudgingly... oh Christopher's cute.  (And I still need to get out more....)

THE CHALLENGE:

Everybody made it to Lincoln Center where Fashion Week has been relocated from Bryant Park.  

And they finally get to meet Heidi and Tim...

Heidi:  "Another season?"

Tim: "Yep.  I'm already drinking."

Tim: "Come closer, I want to motor boat your face.

Wubba wubba wubba wubba..."

Oh dear.  Anyhoo...  Heidi tells the designers that there is a twist already in the game:  They are still auditioning to be on the show.  Um, technically, this is episode 1, so they are on the show.  So it's not really a twist.  It's an episode with an elimination.  Um, that's standard.  Right?

Heidi tells them to open their suitcase and take out on piece of clothing.  She then tells them to pass it to the right and that the garment they receive will be incorporated into the look they will make for the runway show that will happen after just 5 hours of work time.  Everybody drops a figurative brick at the announcement.

Casanova is particularly put out by the news as he pulled out a pair of pants that cost $1070.  REALLY, CASANOVA???  I think if you put ALL my clothes together they wouldn't be worth that much and you dropped that kind of coin on ONE PAIR OF FREAKING PANTS?  

"Hello, Pants.  You are the only person who understands Casanova."

Don't they look like you could just get another pair for $60 at The Gap?  Moving on...

"5 hours to sew and no champagne?  Bullshit!"

At Parsons, they all get set up at their work stations and Tim lets them know that Mood has created an annex at Parsons so they don't have to travel to get their fabrics.  

"Thank you, Moooooooooooood!"

The designers are assigned models randomly (damn, no awkward kickball team line-ups!) and they all just get sewing.  Some have problems, others don't.  Some designers are focused on soooo heavily in the episode that I know they will not be joining us for the rest of the season (that apparently hasn't started yet).  Others are down right ignored to the point where when I see them later on I exclaim, "Where the hell did that person come from??!" (Note: I also startle easily...)

There's a lot of talking in this episode...  too much to sum up that really doesn't have much to do with the runway results.  So... Yakkedy-shmackedy,  let's jump to the runway!

Guest Judge... Selma Blair:

"I love a good bang."

"Me too!  We're talking about sex, right?"

SAFE!

"Oh thank God we get to sit down now..."

Kristin:

She turned a kilt into a collar.  A'ight.  This look is fine, and I agree that she should be safe and part of Season 8 (whatever) but the front side bustle isn't doing it for me.  Somehow it makes the fabric look like cheap car seat leather.  But her Piperlime accessories were indeed thoughtfully chosen.  (GAG.)

Michael C:

Yeah.  It's fine.  Again, this was a five hour challenge, so for five hours, great!  Although the severe side part on the model is off putting.  Looks like she's combing over a Bump-it.

Mondo:

Hmmmmmm.  I don't know.  Is it the dress I don't like, or the model.  Or the color?  Or the model's hair?  Or all of it?  Okay, all of it.  Sewn well, but YOINKS.  The color.  The blandness.  I've seen couches at nursing homes with more personality (and mystery colors).

A.J:

Okay.  A little Corpse Bride for my taste, but I'd wear a hoodie to a wedding, so what do I know...

Andy:

I could do without the "funeral maitai hat" as it makes the outfit look over done.  Yeah, it's the hat's fault...

Christopher:

YAY!  He's safe!  YAY!  Oh yeah, nice dress. YAY! CUTIE PANTS IS SAFE! (I know... shut up.)

Sarah:

Oh sweet lord in heaven, is that prison gear?  It looks like if you were making a women in prison film for a "sexy" film.  Why are her lips the color of death?  What the hell?  Is it me or is this crew a little morbid?

Valerie:

Not sure about the boob bandages, but other than that...  Actually I don't like much of any of it.  The colors are weird and it looks like she was given a brown paper bag as her initial item.  

Michael D:

Meh.  

Side note:  I'm guessing hats are the new faux hawks this season with designers....

Peach:

Sweet.  Cute.  I like it, but couldn't wear it.  She had a knitted scarf to use and it fell apart whenever she touched it.  So she used it in the neck and a little poof in the back.  She did what she could and looks like the broad knows how to sew.  But I worry about her fabric choices.  (See Ivy's look in the "barely safe" section...)

WINNER:  GRETCHEN (aka Granola Girl)

Our green designer from Portland pulls out a win in this non-season-8-opener-non-opener-non-episode.  I'm confused by this dress as a win as it's just a black dress.  Yes, she has weird applique (spelling??) fabric to start with, but... really?  This is the winner?  Hmph.

BARELY SAFE, but invited to Season 8...

Nicholas:

Um... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  He used the ribbing from a bomber jacket to make the awkward stole thing on her shoulders.  Needless to say, it bombed.  (I'm here all week, folks!)

April:

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Are they remaking "Thriller" because this would work.  There's a lengthy discussion about how can you tell if something is deconstructed well before you know if the designer can construct.  I dunno.  I think if it looks like crap, it's crap.  This is safe only because there is worse to come...

Ivy:

She got Peach's toile pants and made... capris!  The judges were not impressed with that nor with the shirt.  I admit, not the best effort, but glad she's still there as I like her personality and I think she got stuck with only 5 hours to make something.  Hopefully she's learned she needs to push to stay on the show.  

Jason:

HOT MESS.  This is a hot disaster and deserved to go home.  He basically took the kimono he was given and turned it around. Then he used a stapler.  A FREAKING STAPLER.  Does he have a Staples Easy Button on his tool corset?  Holy Versace I don't even know where to begin.  Her hair is a scary mess, the boots are unsavory and the look on the model's face screams "get me outta here."  Oh and by the way, this is our "busty" model friend.  Yeah.  She's busty.  The straight guy made sure to say so.  

Casanova:

In his defense, he got a flowy shirt as his garment to use.  However, he didn't need to be so literal.

This "outfit" is atrocious.  Selma says it looks like it would be sold at a store called Dazzles that sells wigs and dresses.  (I think she just shared a little bit about where she bought her wig hair today, kids...)  It's just a miss.  Kors calls her a pole dancer from Dubai.  (I hear Dubai is requesting an apology.)  This look too should have gone over the one that is ultimately auf'd.

Oh and in a PR first, Nina had to ask Casanova in Spanish why he should stay on the show.  I was so taken by her Spanish that I didn't listen to his answer.  But I think that's okay because it probably made little sense in the end.

AUF'D...  McKell:

I knew she was leaving based on how much energy they put into her story/character in this non-episode.  In short: This should not have gone home.  Casanova or Jason should have been in the bottom 2 for sure, but not this.  It's constructed well.  Oh sure, the bag is a disaster according to the judges, and so is her hair, but HEY THERE, FOLKS, SHE CAN SEW.  I'm not so sure about Casanova and Jason.  

McKell: "I call shenanigans.  

And I'm not talking about my hair which I call Predator Chic."

So right off the bat, the judging makes no sense and I am angered.  Is that good or bad television?

And there you have it - the first not-episode of not-season-8!  It's all uphill from here, kids!

"That's right, I spell 'bitches' without the 't' cuz I'm an artist."

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