My Column for The Make-Up Blogger

Hi!  My very good friend Christina runs a great blog called, The Make-Up Blogger.  I have started writing a column titled "My Journey Into Make-Up" which are little memoirs from when I was just a wee lass stumbling into the world of make-up (which is a big deal for girls, and some boys and the band KISS).

So please enjoy - and READ IT HERE!

Happy Friday!!

Sunday Letters From Jennifer...

Dear Apocalypse,

Well, well.  The dinner party was for 6pm and you missed it.  You even had carte blanche to show up ANYWHERE it happened to be 6pm.  That's a lot of time zones to choose from, buddy!  And please don't tell me that "you didn't know."  C'mon.  Your invite was spray painted on buildings, posted in every subway car, and on billboards across the nation.  It was on the news, on Twitter and even being talked about by the locals in the middle of the post-office.  It was your party and you blew it.

You, Apocalypse, are a lazy daisy.

In light of your flakiness (are you by chance from LA?), may I suggest that you send your host a note explaining why you didn't arrive on schedule.  You see, you left Mr. Camping very "bewildered" as to why you would blow him off without even a text message saying, "Running late!" or "Traffic on the freeway is a bi-atch right now!"  And listen, I get it, Oakland isn't The Ritz, but surely you could humble yourself to at least poke your head in for a minute and say, "What up, Holmes?" before giving your fake excuse to leave early, right?  (You are from LA, aren't you?)

Since you've deeply offended your host and his party guests, (who are still slightly burning from your no-show antics from the 90's) I suggest when you do show up that you do the following to avoid further egg on your  face:

* Bring a gift.  Mayhaps a box of wine or a nice floral arrangement to help everyone forget your uber-douche past.

* Text when you are on your way.  "OMW" is sufficient, hip and now. 

* Bring a handwritten note to each party guest, letting them know how sorry you are for making them waste their time and money preparing for your last party.  Especially that family that had a baby and spent their life savings in a week.  Yeah.  You may want to just drop that one in a mailbox now and draw a happy face on their envelope.

* Actually RSVP next time.  Check your Facebook invites on a computer and click, 'YES.'  

Okay, you have a lot of work to do, mister.  But chin up, maybe someday you'll show up.  Just like Santa Claus.  (I keep hoping...)

Sins and Hugs,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Why are dogs excluded from your party, btw?  RUDE!

PPS - My dogs are potty trained so it wouldn't be a big deal.

PPPS - Okay, Annie will pee on your rug, but only once and that's just to let you she loves you.

PPPPS - Oh and Matilda has horrible breath and hacks up phlegm every ten minutes.

PPPPPS - Okay, I see your point.

*****

Dear Justin Timberlake,

PLEASE ALWAYS BE ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.  Without you, it's Saturday Night Coma.  (Ba-dum-dum.)

It's Okay If It's A 3-Way,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Can I send you and Andy Samberg my address?

PPS - No, really, can I?

PPPS - I'm local.

PPPPS - I can take a cab to you.  No big whoop.  I'm easy.

PPPPPS - That's what she said.

Letters from Jennifer...

Dear NYC Pedestrians,

Well look at you out and about after a long winter's nap!  Welcome!  However, I have a few suggestions to make your journey into the world a bit easier for all of us.

1) Do not stroll!  Nothing is more annoying that the pedestrian who just lollygags along the sidewalk, meandering aimlessly on the sidewalk like a game of lazy Frogger. Get in a lane, adjust your mirrors and WALK.  If you want to stroll make like an elderly person and do laps at Macy's.  

2) Stop straddling lanes!  What are you, a Hummer?  (No, you're not!)  Just like the road, stay in your lane. Let me pass on the left without getting bodychecked, k?

3) NO texting!  Pull your ass over to text.  Duane Reade has a great awning you can stand under so you won't get a sunburn or rained on.  I'm not kidding, my toes are sore from your lack of navigation.

4) It's Springtime.  Put your f'ing Uggs in the closet, k?

Okay, I hope that was helpful for you.  I know it was helpful for me.  

Right of way,

Jennifer

PS - I'm really serious about the Uggs.  

*******

Dear Mister Softee,

I inwardly giggle like a 12-year-old every time I see your truck.

Childishly yours,

Jennifer

PS - HAHAHAHAHAA!  "Mister Softee!"  HAHAHHAHAHAA!

PPS - I can be very childish.  

PPPS - VERY.

PPPPS - HAHAHHAHAHHAAAA!  Oh it doesn't get old.  No, trust me on that one.

*******

Dear Allergies,

Please make like a pair of Uggs and make yourself scarce.

Achoo cough hack achoo,

Jennifer

PS - There's just not enough Flonase in the world to make you okay.

PPS - Zyrtec is like the new amateur hour.

PPPS - You make me hate flowers.

PPPPS - You make me unattractive.

PPPPPS - I need all the help I can get.

PPPPPPS - I'm not kidding.

And Now, A Moment With Matilda....

"Ohmigod.  Feel a yawn coming on."

"I can't stop it!  Here it comes!"

"Blaaaaaaaah!"

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"All done.  What?"

(Special thanks to Amber Marlow Photography!)

New "Cute As A Button" Series - MONSTERS!

"Good art is in the wallet of the beholder."

-- Kathy Lette

Since deciding, "I'm going to paint for a living," I've actually been painting for a living!  (A very modest living, but it's living!)  I have to say, it feels good.  After leaving a career in comedy/performing, it's nice to still be able to do something that is creative that doesn't involve playing at instrument on the subway. (Yesterday's in-car concert, JAZZ FLUTE.  So rude.)

My concentration lately has been on creating art for babies, toddlers and kids.  I believe that art is an ESSENTIAL in a child's life.  It helps spur creativity, happiness and imagination.  So I came up with my "Cute As A Button" line for my nephew, Nate.  These animals hang over his bed and keep him company while he sleeps.  Yesterday, I came into his room to get him after his nap and he was sitting in his crib, looking up at the paintings.  I like to think he was thinking, "Wow, that Auntie Jennifer is quite the talent!  I can feel my brain making new neural pathways and my synapses are firing on all cylinders!"  (He was probably thinking, "I think I pooped."  Bygones.)

So now I have a new line for toddlers: Cute As A Button - MONSTERS!  But they are fun, cute and happy monsters (unlike Frankenstein or the IRS).  I came up with them one day and doodled them in my "doodle book."  (Look, some people have little black books, I have a doodle book.  Shut up, I know I'm single.)

Monster inception.  Rated PG.

Next, I got out 2 5x7 inch stretched canvases and starting outlining.

At this stage my friends thought I was making a rabbit
and a Pac Man ghost.  NOTE TO SELF: Don't let friends
see your art until it's done.

And then finally, the finished product! 

Introducing Abernathy & Bartholomew the Monsters!

Each "Monster" will teach a toddler a lesson through a poem.  (I'm writing them now and they will be revealed on my Etsy site when they are finished.)  Abernathy loves to smile and brush is teeth, while Bartholomew likes to keep his shoes tied and put them under his bed at night. 

So what is the point of all this?  I'll tell you:

* Inspiring kids to draw, paint, whatever!  CREATE!

* Getting kids interested in the arts, museums, etc.

* Conversation pieces for children and their parents

* Giving parents nice artwork to hang in their kids room that isn't a piece of plastic crap from China.  (No offense, China....)

So stay tuned, the Monsters will have more joining them and will be coming to my Etsy store SOON!  (Also note, I do commissioned pieces so if you have something specific you want, let me know!)

Thanks for helping to support a struggling, new old biddy!