Today's guest blogger: Matilda the Dog!

OH HI!

My name is Matilda. My Lady asked me to do a guest blog for her today. "But I'm a DOG," I barked. To which she retorted, "So what? I'm an ass and I blog all the time." Touche, Lady. Touche.

So this blog is being written by little ol' me. (I'm so gonna drink her generic Slim Fast she left out... lazy daisy!) Lady's asleep on the couch dreaming about bacon. I can tell because she's sighing and giggling. (PS - If she's not dreaming about bacon, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT! LALALALLAAALLAA!)

Alright, let's get to it...

Today was a really good day. Before I came to live with Lady, I was rescued by the Best Friends Animal Society and lived with my Foster Mom. She's a wonderful woman who took care of me for 5 months before Lady found me online (creepy much?) and then adopted me. So Foster Mom came to visit me and Lady this morning. And we went to my favorite place - Aroma Cafe!

There weren't any paparazzi around today. I found this disappointing as I wore my good blue bow just in case. Sigh... What's a dog gotta do to get in People Magazine, hmm?? Hmph.

Anywho, I love going to cafes. Why? FOOD. Lots and lots of food. Oh the sniffs I can smell!

My Lady is a dumb dork though. She ordered FRUIT and YOGURT. BLECH. She's so self-centered with her order. I CAN'T SMELL YOGURT AND FRUIT! She never thinks about me. Where, for the love of Lassie, is the bacon?!? Hmmm? You're the Bacon Lady, Lady! Order bacon!

"Keep the kiwi. I'd rather drink from the community dog dish.

And you know how I feel about the community dog dish..."

Thankfully, Foster Mom ordered a crab cake sandwich. MUCH BETTER SNIFFS.

"OOOO! Crab cakes! Did you know I LOOOOVE crab cakes? Hmm? Can I have some? Hmmm? Please? Now? How 'bout now? Okay, now. Please? Hmmm?

HOW CAN YOU SAY 'NO' TO THESE EYES??"

Sigh... she said 'no' to these eyes. Phooey.

Therefore, I shall pout...

I'm a good pouter. I take after my Lady. Holy kibble-n-bits, she's a champion.

So then the worst thing in the world happened. Awful. Worse than global warming. Worse than war. Worse than reality television. Lady said the most awful thing in the world to me.

"Time to go home," she cooed.

In a word: UN-FREAKING-ACCEPTABLE.

I had to let her know what I felt about this plan. So I put on the brakes, and even though I'm only 12 lbs., I am pretty immovable when I want to be. THIS being one of those times. I had so many more sniffs to smell! That guy next to us ordered LOBSTER. SERIOUSLY! Do you know how nifty that smelled? Plus I had more people to greet! I'm a social pooch!!

Don't take me home!

Sadly, Lady weighs more than I do (but I won't tell you by how much because I want to make sure I get dinner --but it's by A LOT!) so she won this battle.

"Stupid, Lady. I'm gonna poop in your Fit Flops..."

But I got even...

"Ohhh, is this a stinky smell?"

"GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA DO...?"

"STOP DROP AND ROLL, BITCHES!"

Take that, Lady. Now I smell like crabgrass and doody.

"EPIC WIN!"

So that was my day. I spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch (after she wiped off my new perfume - BOOO!). I was worn out from our outing and my visit with Foster Mom. But I had things to do. I had to rest up for snack time and dinner time. And then bed time.

Okay, Lady is making noises. Time to publish!

Happy sniffs!

I'm a Mad (Wo)Man!

I love the series Mad Men. It makes me want to take up the "Cancer Sticks" and trade in my Target Generic Brand Slim-Fast shakes for a big ol' bottle of bourbon. It makes me want to trade in my hoodies and wear corsets and curlers! I want to talk properly and wear diamonds to brunch! I WANT TO SHOOT BIRDS WITH A GUN DAMMIT AND SLEEP WITH MY BOSS! (Oh wait, I'm unemployed... Details, details...)

Thankfully, AMC understands the fans' need to be a part of the show, specifically that era that they have romanticized for all of us. So due to the aforementioned unemployment, I had some time on my hands today to create a few icons and scenes of myself as a Mad Men cartoon character.

Without further adieu, I present, "The New Old Biddy - Man Men Style":

PHOTO #1: First Day of Work!

Dear Diary,

Well goodness, I've been ignoring you, old friend! Shame on me. Well at least I've been doing something quite exciting in the meantime other than laundry and gossip. Shall I tell you? (insert happy clapping noise) Oh I shall! I am working in ADVERTISING. Yes, where all the brain trusts and fashionably forward spend their days and, Diary, the best part is that I am a part of it! No more can the boys on the corner call me Sally No Fun. I'm an office gal now!

My job is really hard but rewarding and as a woman I'm thankful my brain can handle the work load and read the instructions on the coffee maker. (Thankfully, I'm not answering phones, which is a relief given I can never remember my own phone number. Aren't I a silly goose, Diary?). Sorry to have kept you in suspense, but I'm a... wait for it... a receptionist! A receptionist! It's true! Can you believe it? I get $5 a week and harassed on a regular basis by the suits in the office. I got my bottom smacked 3 times today. 3! That's more than Julie in the steno pool. (Plus I heard she's a slut, so she really keeps track for her records.) Anyway, it's so wonderful. I can't imagine a more perfect existence if I tried. (Thank goodness I'm a girl, I wouldn't think of trying!)

Oh isn't this picture of me silly as shingles on an igloo? Mom insisted that she take a "first day of school" picture. I look so happy! That's my favorite neckerchief. I got it for Christmas from Great-Auntie Prim. "All respectable girls keep their necks covered," she always says.

Oh dear, I need to set my hair for the night and press my clothes. This will take 7 hours so I better get started so I can at least sleep for 30 minutes.

Sincerely yours,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PHOTO #2: The Office

Dear Diary,

Oh my, I haven't had much time to write. I've been so busy working!

So since I only earn $5 a week, I have one outfit. Apparently, the men in the office complained. I'm writing them all apology notes right now.

The beautiful girl in red i n the picture is Joan. She has been a DEAR to me. She's taken me under her wing and shown me the ropes. She's really wonderful, Diary. She heard how the men in the office don't approve of my wardrobe, so she promised to give me a make-over so I look like a real City Girl. This is the most exciting day of my life! (Other than when I got my menses for the first time.)

I'm so grateful to the men in the office for pointing out that I need to take more care in my appearance. I really shouldn't forget that even though I'm working, I am still an object.

I wonder what I will look like?

Mwah, darling!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PHOTO #3: Make-Over!

Dear Diary,

YES, that's me! Aren't I the living end? Look at what Joan did to my hair. It's huge and fancy like all the girls I see in the bars. I'm fitting in by giving up my individuality. It's the bee's knees! (Joan is happy with her work. She said that I don't look like a derelict nun anymore.)

The good looking man in the picture is Don Draper. Oh he's dreamy, Diary. He smells like a malt milkshake. His voice is smooth like a chocolate sundae. And his hair reminds me of licorice. Oh by the way, I'm not allowed to eat anymore. Joan wants me to work on my figure and my health, so I've started smoking. At first smoking felt like it was killing me, but then I got used to it and I'm okay now. I am hoping to get up to 3 packs a day by next week. Joan said that setting goals is a good idea!

I have to go make another pot of coffee! My life is so fulfilling!

Up and coming!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PHOTO #4: The date!

Dear Diary!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I went out with Don Draper last night!! I'm over the moon! My first date EVER! (Other than Roy Kinkens who took me to the school dance because my mother paid him $2.)

I had my first drink tonight called a dirty martini! However, I'm sure the alcohol kills any germs from the dirt. Don insisted I have 4. I couldn't turn him down since he's the boss. I managed to throw up in my purse when he went back to the bar. When he came back he said, "Do you smell that?" And I said, "It's New Jersey." He laughed. Phew!

Joan said to bring him a gift that I can leave with him that will remind him of me. I brought him a donut. He asked me what I wanted him to remember about me. I said that I taste good. Then he stuck his finger in the donut hole. I told him that he didn't ask first and that it was very rude of him to do that. Then he asked if I'm a glazed donut. I said, "Sometimes, I'm a jelly filled." He winced. Did I play the game wrong?

I'm hoping he asks me out again. Married men are so funny!

Kisses,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - His ear lobes looked like marshmallows and his eyes were like chocolate balls.

PPS - I haven't eaten since last Tuesday.

PPPS - I'm up to 4 packs a day!

PPPPS - I need another job to pay for the cigarettes.

PHOTO #5: Stranded!

Diary.

I'm a slut.

Have drinking problem.

Birth control pills don't work if you don't take them every day.

And he didn't even eat my donut.

Moving to New Jersey,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I'm so hungry, I'll eat my own donut, thank you!!

****

Make your own series!

http://www.madmenyourself.com

All hail the bacon cupcake!

“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me.

And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself.

So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill.

Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again.

Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.

It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day.”

Michael Scott - "The Office"

If Michael Scott were not a fictional character, I'd probably date him. Or at least make out with him just for his bacon. (Listen, buddy, YOU try being divorced and single at my age - let's see where your moral compass lands your judgemental ass, K?)

I've been addicted to the "sweet meat" since I was a kid. (...YIKES...) In short: I love bacon. Everybody who knows me knows this. Within minutes. "Oh Jennifer Eolin? I just met her. Nice girl. Really digs bacon apparently. Kinda weird how often she mentioned it, come to think of it. Actually, I take back the 'nice girl' assessment. She's a hardcore freak show. Has anybody called PETA yet?" (Update: PETA has their version of a SCRAM on my meat drawer in my kitchen to monitor my pork intake... Tee hee!)

So a few weeks ago, I saw a recipe on the Food Network site for Maple French Toast and Bacon Cupcakes. I knew these needed to be made and immediately consumed. But since I do not have a working oven in my apartment (and yes, I've lived here a year - SHUT UP!) I called my friend, Lauren, who not only has a working oven, but expertly knows how to use it. (She also humors my weirdness, so naturally, we're friends.) We decided Thursday, July 23rd was to be BACON CUPCAKE DAY. Squeeee!

I showed up to her place (after sitting in traffic for an hour and a half!) wearing a shirt that would, no doubt, tip Tim Gunn's good fashion sense ass over tea cups:

I'm sure in Tim Gunn's mind the only other faux pas I could have committed was to wear this shirt with leggings. That would have killed him in 2 seconds flat. (PS - Thanks to R.M. for the t-shirt!)

We got right to work (after watching "The Fashion Show" on Bravo for 2 hours). It was immediately obvious that even though I'd had many years of 4-H cooking experience as a child, I was not in my element:

(This picture is brought to you by Swans Down Cake Flour.

When you care enough to bake with the very best...

or at least with the only brand the store carries.)

After some scolding and "I'm going to talk to you like a 2-year-old, Jennifer," lectures from Lauren (all warranted on my part - we'd STILL be whipping the egg whites and sugar had she not intervened) I finally got the hang of it all:

(Dear Julia Childs,

Suck it!

Smooches,

Jennifer Eolin)

We now come to the part where we need to talk about the batter. Tasting the batter is my favorite part of cooking (or being around people who cook). I love to sample it. It's ALWAYS delish. But look at this mess:

YEECH. The nicest compliment I can give it is, "Well, at least it looks like clean barf." Needless to say, I was obviously a little apprehensive to taste this concoction:

But I decided a positive "yes, and!" attitude was a better idea...

("OMG. This is what heaven tastes like!")

Time to bake!

Now... whilst these little succulent pork puffs roasted, we made the icing. (Okay, we made the icing after consuming a pot roast. I'm not kidding.) The icing... sigh... here's where the endeavor started to falter. The recipe called for an 8 oz. package of cream cheese, 2 tablespoons of unsalted butter, confectioners sugar, maple syrup and cinnamon. The consistency was runny and it tasted like a cavity.

I like sweet things (that's what she said!) but I could feel my body making Type II Diabetes as I stood there. Panicked, I screamed: "WHAT DO WE DO NOW?! WE NEED FROSTING!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT IS OVER!!" Calmly, Lauren, who puts the "rock" in Betty Crocker, pulled out some regular frosting to which we added a little maple syrup and cinnamon to, and the results... Epic win!

(Is there a guild for thumb models?)

Finally, after putting the final touch of bacon bits on the top of our ghetto-recipe-frosting, the cupcakes were ready to eat! (Between watching television and eating a pot roast, this took about 5 hours of our time to do. Shut up! It was fun!)

And the result... AMAZING. Love. Heart. I want to spoon it all night long.

I really can't wait to make these guys again. The sweet and the salt combine together perfectly. The only change we'd make next time is that we'd make them into mini-cupcakes as they are quite rich, and one cupcake could be overwhelming. (I ate 4.)

I'm now excited to try other bacon recipes where bacon plays an unusual role. I can't wait! (I'm gonna need more shirts...)

"It's BACON!!!!!!!!"

It's Bacon Cupcake Time!

Today my friend Lauren and I will attempt

to make a Maple French Toast and Bacon Cupcake:

And hopefully, it will go well.

Otherwise, I will look like this:

Blog to follow!

The DMV and Me

One word + one acronym = The DMV.

*shudder*

The mere mention of the DMV makes my stomach flip in a way that would make Shawn Johnson grow with envy. Perhaps it was that I failed my first driver's test and was so humiliated that I swore (loudly) I'd just embrace public transportation. (I did not embrace it.) Perhaps it was because my mother was a nervous driver. (VERY nervous.) Or perhaps my anxiety stems from watching License to Drive with the Cory's.

"An innocent girl, a harmless drive.

What could possibly go wrong?"

(I'm betting on the Cory's...)

So this past May, not only did I have the (dis)pleasure of turning a year older, but I also had the (extreme dis)pleasure of making a trip to the DMV to renew my license. Thankfully, my visit was uneventful. I paid for a new license, they said I didn't need to take a new picture as the old one would suffice and they issued me a temporary license. Total time inside the DMV... 15 minutes! (I counted!) Ahhhh, DMV BLISS!

I was so happy! UNTIL... The license never came in the mail. (Natch, why would it?) AND, my temp license... EXPIRED!? Wha---? Why does this have an expiration date and why am I noticing this 2 weeks after it expired?! (Gulp...)

"We were able to retrieve your test results from the computer.

And as I suppose you already know, YOU FAILED.

God giveth, and the DMV taketh away.

You mustn't fuck with the Department of Motor Vehicles.

We can make your life a living hell."

So today I called the DMV. After sitting on hold for 22 minutes (I counted!) I talked to "Operator 19." Here's how it went down:

ME: "Hi! I never got my license in the mail after I paid for it in person at the DMV."

#19: "Mmm. Let me look that up for you."

After an exchange of info, time passes...

#19: "Oh, the computer says your picture didn't turn out."

ME: "What do you mean my picture 'didn't turn out'?"

#19: "The picture they took didn't come out."
ME: "They didn't take one."

#19: "No, it just didn't come out."
ME: "NO, THEY DIDN'T TAKE ONE."

#19: "Mmmmm..."

ME: "She said we could just use my current picture."

#19: "No. They needed to take a picture."

ME: (swallowing rage) "Do you know why I wasn't made aware of this fact? Like a letter or something saying, 'Your license was unable to be processed, please return to the DMV' or something like that?"

#19: "Mm-mm."

ME: (swallowing bile) "OKAY! So what do we do from here?"

#19: "Well you need to go to the DMV, but someone has to drive you since you let your temporary license expire."
ME: "LET?! LET??!?? I didn't LET anything expire. I was there 5 days before it expired to take care of this. I AM A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING WHO DOESN'T EVEN JAY WALK!!"

#19: "We'll impound your car if you drive it. You don't want that."

ME: (now spewing bile and rage) "But, I didn't do anything wrong!"

#19: "You should have taken a picture!"

RAZZLE-FRAZZLE! BAH!

On a positive note: I'm proud of myself for not throwing my telephone through the wall. (I'm not dumb, that would come out of my security deposit!) Instead, I typed angrily into Google: "DMV, CA." I made an appointment to go to the DMV on WEDNESDAY. You know, in two days. First available appointment. Swell.

So I'm holed up in my apartment like a Branch Davidian, just waiting for the government to give me the okay to re-join the population at large. So until then, I'll live a life outside of my apartment vicariously by playing SimCity 4, (complete with the Rush Hour Expansion Pack)! I know what you're thinking, "Not too bad for a kid without her license, huh?"

And here we go again!

I want to thank you all for the votes in the Social Luxe blog competition. 15th place in my category, which is good considering there were over 100 nominees. WOOO!

Soooooooooo... since you're already well practiced at voting, how 'bout another one? :)

It's the Blogger's Choice Awards! WOOO! Again, up for Best Humor Blog. So please go to the site and vote. I hope this badge takes you right to my page.

Again, thanks so much! :)

If IKEA were hiring artists...

I have always loved art class growing up. My dad is a great painter as was my first roommate in LA, Heather (who is, by the way, one of the very first new old biddies as she couldn't leave her house without her "pock-a-book" which is 'biddy' for 'purse') . It was Heather who got me hooked on trying my hand at painting on canvas which just felt so daunting. (You know, kind of like dating. You want to do it, you psych yourself up to do it, but when you try it, you usually run away screaming and swearing to God that you'll never be that stupid again.)

I used to paint ALL the time in my 20's. But in my 30's I got really busy with work/career, got married, started performing regularly, got divorced and all that really took a lot of time and emotional energy. I stopped painting. I just couldn't focus on it, life was too cluttered with other things. And I missed it every day.

SO yesterday, I decided: TODAY IS THE DAY. So I set up my art studio in my kitchen (since God knows I don't use it to cook--unless making toast is cooking--I may as well be artistic in there).

Yes, that's my 'tea station' amidst all the paints. And yes, my kitchen is pink! WOOO! I'm a single girl in a pink paradise! (That sounds dirty...?)

So here's my first success of yesterday:

I'd painted the one on the left in 2001. I'd sketched out the flower on the right (which seriously, paging Georgia O'Keeffe anyone?) but never got to it. So yesterday, I finally got to it. 8 years later is better than never, right?

Then, jazzed from not totally sucking at this after years and years of inactivity (that's what she said!), I pulled out two canvases and created this series:

They match my bedding, so I'm happy - free art! And in this economy, I couldn't ask for more cuz this biddy is on a budget, yo.

And just for giggles, here are some of my paintings from YEARS ago that I have hanging in my apartment:

Inspired by Van Gogh:

Another series I did that was inspired by using only sponges...

And last, ironically enough, here's the first painting I ever did, and it's still one of my faves of all time:

Don't get me wrong - I know I'm no Picasso or Warhol. I'm just a girl in the valley who has a lot of paint and (currently) a lot of time and a lot of canvases that need to be colorized. I have a really huge canvas that I may tackle next as I'm feeling saucy and confident. Oh, and did I mention that I have a lot of time on my hands??

Project Runway Returns!

Dear Readers,

As some of you know, I heart Project Runway. HEART IT! And before I jumped over to Blogspot, I always blogged about it on my MySpace page. And even though MySpace is an antiquated piece of crap, I will continue to keep my Project Runway blogs there and keep my musings/ramblings of The New Old Biddy here on blogspot.

So if you'd like to check out my newest Project Runway blog w/ a promo Lifetime is airing, run on over to www.myspace.com/jennifereolin and enjoy the carnage.

Making it work!
The New Old Biddy

PS - I'm dubious about Lifetime's handling of the show.

PPS - I am already prepared to hate it, yet love it.

PPPS - I really would like Tim Gunn to be my second husband. Even though he's on the other team. If he could just dress me in the morning I'd be all, "Squeeeeeee!"

PPPPS - Send therapy.