"A good cup of tea is like a good date:
its smooth, hits all the right spots,
and I'm not pregnant in the morning."
--Jennifer Eolin '09
I can safely say that in the past 2 months I've had WAY more cups of tea than dates. I've also had more cups of tea than winning lottery tickets, trips to the moon and good hair days.
I can safely say that dating is just not an arena that I want to enter for quite awhile, mainly for this reason: I pick douche bags who are BOYS and not MEN. This is inevitable. Is he an enormous douche and incredibly childish? I will date him! I seriously trust myself to perform bypass surgery blindfolded, drunk and naked in front of 3908343 people before I trust myself to pick out a real man. So until I complete the course, "Boys are Dorks and Men are Desirable" and I get an A+ (cuz I'm a perfectionist), I'm on freaking academic probation!
"If I hadn't seen his balls first hand,
I'd swear he didn't have any."
--Jennifer Eolin '04
Thankfully, I have a snugly doggie who loves to lay on my chest and snore. She's also a good 'little spoon' but has problems with 'big spoon.' She's all paws and attitude!
"I prefer 'dogs' over 'dawgs.'
I'll take fleas over the free clinic anyday."
--Jennifer Eolin '08
So I'm on the quest for enlightenment and better judgement skills. I'm on the quest for less tears, more joy and great adventure. I'm also on the quest for happiness, no matter its package. (That's what she said!) Oh and if anybody has a way to teach Matilda 'big spoon,' please let me know!
First off, I blame you for my upset tummy.
ReplyDeleteIn sympathy, I've eaten little but junk food tonight. I'm that guy, the one who gains weight when you get pregnant. I eat junk food when you want it. I'm there for you...albeit so far away.
As for the dating thing? As my therapist says, maybe it's time for you to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
My therapist isn't that good.
Anyways, you don't need to take a class. You need to...
no. I'm wrong. Take the class. Get the A+. And when it's time for your 'practical application' or 'lab,' call me. We'll have sushi. That's supposed to be an adult thing to do on dates. I'll make sure you get plenty of tea.