Monday, May 18, 2009

Late Night Sunday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Earthquake,

Look at you, 5.0!  What a big boy!  I'd like to thank you, however, for not being "the one" that breaks California off the continent and thus creating "New Hawaii."  That was awfully swell of you.

Doorways are friends!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Sorry about my dog barking and growling at you.  But in her defense, you popped in without texting first.  Not cool.
PPS - Note to self: keep earthquake insurance current even though it would take over 10 years to collect benefits should I need it.
PPPS - At least I wasn't in the bathroom during this earthquake.  Much better timing!  And less embarrassing...


Dear Town of Solvang, CA,

"Velkommen" my ass.  What the hell is your problem, Solvang?

Let me backtrack:  My friend Lauren and I have a ritual.  Whenever one of us breaks up with a guy (me this time), we go to Santa Barbara for the day.  (BTW, we've been there A LOT over the years.  A LOT.)  We indulge in candy, drinks, food,  shopping and lots of chatting/laughing.  Now, sadly, this ritual has been in tact for about 9 years.  So to change it up, we decided, "Let's go to Solvang!  I hear it's the most adorable little Dutch town!"  WOOOO!  We're wild and crazy girls trying new things!  Somebody stop us!  

We popped by on a Friday afternoon fully anticipating a day filled with Dutch merriment!  (I'm not sure exactly what that would entail, but we were optimistic!)  Instead, we were greeted by a ghost town that shut down at 4pm and a COMPLETELY delusional visitor's guide.  First of all, he talked up the town so much that you we could hardly stand ourselves!  What fun we were going to have!  And our enthusiasm had nothing to do with all the penises he drew on our map, stating them as points of interest.  

The first penis (with the apt "X" at the top), which was an outside courtyard that he stated was a "MUST SEE," was closed.   And PS, it's right next to the visitor's center.  Maybe he should know the hours of his town?  Hmmm?  Perhaps??

The second penis (if you look to the right) was a replica of a tower in Denmark, which the guide described as, "This too is a must see.  But keep in mind its smaller than the original."  (BUWHAHAHA!  "That's what she said!"  HAHAHAHA!)

And here's the penis/tower...

IT'S A PIZZA PARLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!  Um, hello?  How is that a point of interest???  And those were the two "MUST SEE" places in the town.  This is about the part where Lauren exclaimed, "SOLVANG IS BULLSHIT!"  Boy howdy.

So after having some mediocre pastries...

Trying on some shoes...

...And looking at the dead field behind the mission with the Santa Barbara fires in the b/g...

...We hightailed it to the original city of comfort:  Santa Barbara.  Even though it was on fire, it was much more enjoyable.

We did our usual routine:  Candy on the pier, shopping and dinner w/ drinks.  (I got tipsy!)  

Solvang, we officially break up with you!  

Wooden shoes give you splinters!
Jennifer (Eolin)



Dear Star Trek,

WOW!  You were actually pretty amazing!  (Even though you're a direct rip-off of Star Wars I'll forgive you because you had very pretty boys in it and that was enough to entertain me cuz that's how I roll these days.)  But as I am an old biddy, my question to you does not have to do with the time-travel plot hole, nor does it have to do with the "Spock and Uhura" hook-up.  (REALLY!?!  Spock and Uhura?  Really?!)  My burning question is this:  Why do all the ships have these walk-ways without railings?

I couldn't help but notice on Nero's ship (as well as Darth Vadar's, ahem...) that there are all these bottomless pits for people to fall to their deaths.  Why is this?  Did your contractor bail on the project?  Did you put extra money into the other aspects of the ship (such as the menacing pointy-things that seem to have no other function than for a Red Shirt to be able to look at his screen and say, "Enemy ship approaching!") and then ran out of money?  Or did you run into foreclosure?  A biddy wants to know why you would opt for something so dysfunctional!

Listen, I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without a railing.  I'd be on all fours crawling around that ship.  (Oh ... um... ahem.)  Mayhaps I just figured out the reasoning for this architectural decision.   Ahem.

May the force live long and prosper with you!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Simon Pegg over Chris Pine any day.  ANY.  DAY.
PPS - I caught the Enterprise joke about the dog because I'm the only one who watched that series.  Sigh...
PPPS - I'll watch your second movie when it comes out, which I'm sure will not be anything like "Empire Strikes Back."  Right?


  1. "Solvang, we officially break up with you!"

    Sounds like another trip to SB should be in the works :-)

    glad you at least got a post out of the lovely trip, i'll make sure to mark that as one of the places i need not apply to.


  2. Next time either of you break up, I suggest a trip to Fresno.

    I'll draw the one penis on the map you should visit ;-)


    PS--As you are a new/old biddy, I expect to see strikethroughs on my post. I apologize for the inappropriateness of this. Except only to you. Lauren is on her way here as we speak. It's always nice to put a little penis between you and the ex.

    PPS--And I have a little penis.

    PPPS--Strikethrough that last PPS also, please.

  3. Simon Pegg! Any day. Any. DAY. Love it.

    Also love the shoe shopping pics. Angry face in big shoe, too funny!

    You'll have to try Pismo Beach next. That's my favorite.

  4. Admittedly, Solvang is far for entertaining when you are high as a kite (and everything is actually open), but I digress...

    BTW--Ummm... I thought Solvang was Danish, not Dutch. (as in Vikings, fairy tales, and same-sex marriage. They also make great watches!!

  5. Yes - Danish, not Dutch. I was so angry, I forgot to fact check because SOLVANG IS BULLSHIT!

  6. And STEPHEN! AHEM, YOUNG MAN! AHEM! Honestly. Sheesh.

  7. I live in Santa Barbara! Which means nothing about anything except that I was excited to see it mentioned and that you love it more than the bullshit that is Solvang. Thank you and good day.

  8. HAHHAHAA! I heart Santa Barbara! I've been there a lot - love the pier and the main drag w/ all the stores. We ate at Left Turn at Albequerque - I love that place!!

  9. To me Solvang was fun when I was 8 years old. Now, it is a sad, dorky place. But it does have a useful function; it is a less expensive base camp for wine tasting in Santa Inez valley.

  10. Where's a good place to stay for Shirley Temple tasting?? ;)

  11. I think the place to stay for Shirley Temple tasting is in Pasadena as in the little old biddy in Pasadena.

  12. I am the other person in the country who got the Enterprise/dog joke. My ex used to watch it and back in the day, I had a thing for Scott Bakula.

    +1 on Simon Pegg over Chris Pine. But David Tennant over both of them...

  13. First, there is a casino down the street from Solvang, you should have checked that out! (if it is still open, but do casinos ever shut down?). And second, in the other direction there is an ostrich farm, that would have been more fun then the penis/tower!

  14. Is that the city that the Girls Next Door went to? Is that where you heard about it? If so, I don't know if I'd trust their opinions on what you should and shouldn't do.



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