Thursday, May 7, 2009

The New Old Biddy's Primer to Being A Single 30-Mumble-Year-Old

Congratulations, you're single!  There are so many benefits to being single versus being in a relationship.  Trust me.  For instance, you don't have to share your tea with anyone, which is much more economical.  That's extra money in your pocket that you can spend on artificial sweetener!  Also, your chances of contracting swine flu has been drastically cut in half as you no longer do intimate things like holding hands or other indoor sports.  Who knew abstinence was a life saver?  LOL!  And the very best benefit, one less birthday gift to write a thank you note for.  Hooray!  Think of all the ink and time saved!

Sigh... Yeah.  This is a hard one to spin.

I've been single for about a month now and I wish I could report that I'm a strong Beyonce type woman who's out at clubs shouting, "I'm single, bitches!  Where are the men at?!  I gots to get me some of that!"  But the truth is that I've spend a lot of time at home crying into my dog's neck.  (She's surprisingly absorbent!)   

During this new journey into singleness, I've noticed that being single in your 30's is VERY different than being single in your 20's.  In your 20's, most everybody was single and just as jaded and depressed as I was.  After a break-up, I had plenty of single girlfriends to get dressed up with and go hit a club and stay out all night while cursing "ex-boy of the week's" name.  (Yes, this biddy used to go to clubs.  Don't get too excited, I just held my girlfriends' purses while they danced and was always the designated driver.  Party hardy!)

But in your 30's, it's a different story.  First, most of my friends are married or in serious relationships so that really inhibits things.  Second, you couldn't pay me to go to club.  Third, I don't have the energy that I had back in my 20's.  Back then, I could last on 4 hours of sleep.  Now, if I don't get a solid 9 I'm a wreck.  Fourth, if there's not good parking, I'm not going out!  

I swear to God, I just keep getting sexier.

Now, before you start yelling/typing: "INTERNET DATING, DAMMIT!" I'd like to report, that I've tried this at many different stages of my life, all to disastrous results.  It's mostly the rejection that I find disheartening.  And eHarmony really has cornered the market on rejection.  Boy howdy.  If you were already smarting from a break-up, DO NOT USE eHARMONY!  It sucks donkey balls.  Not only is it crazy expensive, every morning you get to wake up to fresh rejection (aka "closed match").  Thanks, eHarmony.  Thanks, bunches.  Just what the doctor ordered.  You should send free razor blades out as a welcome gift.

And before you start yelling/typing: "YOU NEED TO JUST WORK ON BEING SINGLE AND ON YOURSELF, DAMMIT!" I'd like to tell you respectfully and lovingly tell you to fuck off.  If "working on being single" were so important to the world, then all happily married/shacked up couples should have to have a mandatory break-up so they can work on being single.  Think about it!  Don't say this to a single person.  It's like telling someone who just lost their legs to "Just work on doing The Worm!"  In-fucking-sensitive.  Seriously.

So what to do?  How does this New Old Biddy go about finding her happiness again so she can find her New Old Codger?   Here are a few items I currently ascribe to:

1.  Name 3 good things going on RIGHT NOW.  (Thanks for this one, Marcilee!)
2.  Spend tons of time with friends.
3.  HOBBIES!  Painting, writing, improv and reading by the pool.  
4.  Find small things that make me happy.  For instance, a cup of Jasmine Green Tea really makes me smile.  As does listening to the "Incredibad" album over and over.  (MMMM!  Andy Samburg!  Just saying!!)
5.  Exercise, eat right and smile.
6.  Avoid chick lit and flicks.  LIES!  All of them!
7.  Sort through closet and give away anything that makes me feel not so pretty.
8.  Do something crazy, even if it's just using a new nail polish color.  (I'm a low impact biddy.)
9.  Snuggle with my doggie, Matilda.
10.  Let myself be sad when I need to.  I'm not a robot, dammit!  But then after that emotion gets tiresome, I move on to something more positive.  
11.  DO NOT SETTLE.  For anything.  In the wise words of Bonnie Tyler:

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

So that's what I got.  It's not much, but I think it's enough for right now.  

Oh and if anybody has Andy Samburg's number, that'd be awesome.  

Just saying...


  1. Looks like you have a good list. One thing I recommend you NOT add is "drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every night." It might sound like a great idea, but I assure you it is not.

  2. PFFT! If I'm drinking, it's Bailey's! WOOOO! Chocolate booze!

  3. GOOD PARKING! Thank you! My friends laugh at me because that is my main concern about going out! I hate parallel parking, and if I have to walk a long way to get to the place from where I had to park, then I'd rather just stay home in my sock monkey pajamas. And i'm about to turn 32..and I've never had a serious boyfriend...hmm..maybe I need to re-think some of my decisions now that I htink about it...
    I also agree with what you said about eHarmony. They never sent me anyone that was closer than 50 miles. I'm sorry, I call that long distance dating. I'm currently trying OKcupid, but do you really think you're going to get far with something that is not even that ambitious in its name? (Just OK?) Sigh....being single sucks.

  4. You're reading again! Whatcha reading these days?

  5. I'm getting through this pile:

    "Are You There God, It's Me Chelsea" by Chelsea Handler

    "Must Love Dogs" by Claire Cook

    "Cruel Shoes" by Steve Martin

    "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris

    "When You Lie About Your Age, The Terrorists Win" by Carol Leifer

    "The Idiot Girls Action-Adventure Club" by Laurie Notaro

    You know, just a little light reading... :)

  6. I'm in my 20's and if there's bad parking anywhere I refuse to go there.

  7. This post made me shout out loud in agreement "yes!!!" on multiple occasions. I couldn't have talked about the suckage of being single better. :)

    Here are some funny breakup reading suggestions, from your fellow miserable and bitter singleton:

    *The Between Boyfriend's Book by Cindy Chupack
    *Eat, Prey, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
    *Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants by Jill Soloway
    *Emily's Reasons Why Not by Carrie Gerlack

  8. I was yelling in agreement many times too! And I'm not even single right now! Although, the way things are going...who knows.

    I do know that you rock.

  9. Wow! You, my friend, nailed it! I've discovered that people feel free to be an asshole to you when you reach a certain age and are still single. They think they have a right let you know that they think you are a lesser member of society as a whole. Douchebags!

    I heart you even more for this. Also, I loved "Are You There God, It's Me Chelsea" because it made me laugh hard. Also, again, Bailey's for the win. :)

  10. Ditto The Stabbing Pen, bad parking detours us somewhat younger folks too!

  11. Man, I'm pretty happy being single.

    Maybe it's because I'm 24, I'll see when i get to my thirties...

    But overall, I'm ok where I am. One of my roommates is always jumping from one relationship to another just because she is too afraid to be alone and they are all shitty relationships. Not even shitty guys, just relationships that have no foundation. She just recently broke up with a guy after three years and she didn't even like him. Now she is dating some guy she knew from college. he is in texas, she is in california... It just creeps me out to think that I need to have a boyfriend to be happy.

    My other roommate is in a good relationship and I get along with her boyfriend really well and we go out the three of us a lot. I find it really weird that people would not make time with their friends because of their boyfriends. I've never done that and very few of my friends have ever done that. We always found a way to incorporate our love lives with our friendships...

    I guess I'm just trying to say that being single doesn't necessarily suck. You can be happy, girl. with or without a boyfriend.

  12. Clara - amen, girl! I can be happy alone. Believe me, I was single for 4 years without ANY dates during that time. I'm a survivor. Or really ugly. :P

    For me now, this blog deals with the big change in my lifestyle. I was married for 4 years, then had a relationship that lasted 8 months. So for most of my 30's, I've had a guy in my life. You get used to it after awhile, and the last guy I dated, I really really dug. But he "just wasn't that into me" so here I am.

    Right now, it's filling the voids. Creating new patterns and schedules until it doesn't feel like I'm filling a void anymore and I'm just living my life. But right now, at this moment, there is a hole in my life. I'm just trying to repair it. :)

  13. Dear Old Biddy;

    Will you go out with me?


    All men who read your posts.

    PS--funny with nice boobs is always sexy.

  14. You are seriously hilarious! A friend sent me your link and I, too, am a single person in my 30's and it's quite difficult to remain positive and upbeat. Thanks for this post ... you completely made my day ... and weekend for that matter. :-)

  15. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  16. Oh man, the post that was removed by a blog administrator showed a lovely woman over the age of 100 who, when asked her secret, simply stated, "Bacon" and I thought it was lovely.

  17. SORRY! Since it had no explanation or name, I was worried it was spam. Go ahead and repost!

  18. Don't delete me this timeMay 14, 2009 at 10:53 AM

    The lovely older woman link. It's part of a series of portraits from a wonderful photographer.

  19. That REALLY is lovely!!! "Bacon." Life's simple answer. :)

  20. I actually got rejected from eHarmony... After taking that ridiculously long personality test, It said I was one of the 2 percent or something of the universe that they couldn't help. Talk about a low blow when you're already considering a personals website!
    I'm married now, and I found him on my own!
    I wanted to send them an invitation to the wedding that just said "suck it!" on the inside, my husband advised me not to. :)



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