Picture Perfect

Sometimes, you find things a day late.  

In my previous blog, I had some of my favorite quotes that I've said (I'm soooo vain) regarding dating.  So press rewind in your head, and pretend this picture accompanied the following quote. 

Ahem...

 "If I hadn't seen his balls first hand,

I'd swear he didn't have any."

--Jennifer Eolin '04

Happy Friday!

Single is the New (Slap) Happy

"A good cup of tea is like a good date:

its smooth, hits all the right spots,

 and I'm not pregnant in the morning."

--Jennifer Eolin '09

I can safely say that in the past 2 months I've had WAY more cups of tea than dates.  I've also had more cups of tea than winning lottery tickets, trips to the moon and good hair days.  

I can safely say that dating is just not an arena that I want to enter for quite awhile, mainly for this reason:  I pick douche bags who are BOYS and not MEN.  This is inevitable.  Is he an enormous douche and incredibly childish?  I will date him!  I seriously trust myself to perform bypass surgery blindfolded, drunk and naked in front of 3908343 people before I trust myself to pick out a real man.  So until I complete the course, "Boys are Dorks and Men are Desirable" and I get an A+ (cuz I'm a perfectionist), I'm on freaking academic probation! 

  "If I hadn't seen his balls first hand,

I'd swear he didn't have any."

--Jennifer Eolin '04

Thankfully, I have a snugly doggie who loves to lay on my chest and snore.  She's also a good 'little spoon' but has problems with 'big spoon.'  She's all paws and attitude!

"I prefer 'dogs' over 'dawgs.'

I'll take fleas over the free clinic anyday."

--Jennifer Eolin '08

So I'm on the quest for enlightenment and better judgement skills.  I'm on the quest for less tears, more joy and great adventure.  I'm also on the quest for happiness, no matter its package.  (That's what she said!)  Oh and if anybody has a way to teach Matilda 'big spoon,' please let me know!  

My Stand-Up Set (OR Please laugh at what I say cuz I'm needy and crap which is why I'm a comedian)

Hello my wonderful readers!

A few months ago, I did a new stand-up set at The National Comedy Theatre 

(appropriate, yes?)  I've included it below.  

I hope you like it!

Late Night Sunday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Earthquake,

Look at you, 5.0!  What a big boy!  I'd like to thank you, however, for not being "the one" that breaks California off the continent and thus creating "New Hawaii."  That was awfully swell of you.

Doorways are friends!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Sorry about my dog barking and growling at you.  But in her defense, you popped in without texting first.  Not cool.

PPS - Note to self: keep earthquake insurance current even though it would take over 10 years to collect benefits should I need it.

PPPS - At least I wasn't in the bathroom during this earthquake.  Much better timing!  And less embarrassing...

***

Dear Town of Solvang, CA,

"Velkommen" my ass.  What the hell is your problem, Solvang?

Let me backtrack:  My friend Lauren and I have a ritual.  Whenever one of us breaks up with a guy (me this time), we go to Santa Barbara for the day.  (BTW, we've been there A LOT over the years.  A LOT.)  We indulge in candy, drinks, food,  shopping and lots of chatting/laughing.  Now, sadly, this ritual has been in tact for about 9 years.  So to change it up, we decided, "Let's go to Solvang!  I hear it's the most adorable little Dutch town!"  WOOOO!  We're wild and crazy girls trying new things!  Somebody stop us!  

We popped by on a Friday afternoon fully anticipating a day filled with Dutch merriment!  (I'm not sure exactly what that would entail, but we were optimistic!)  Instead, we were greeted by a ghost town that shut down at 4pm and a COMPLETELY delusional visitor's guide.  First of all, he talked up the town so much that you we could hardly stand ourselves!  What fun we were going to have!  And our enthusiasm had nothing to do with all the penises he drew on our map, stating them as points of interest.  

The first penis (with the apt "X" at the top), which was an outside courtyard that he stated was a "MUST SEE," was closed.   And PS, it's right next to the visitor's center.  Maybe he should know the hours of his town?  Hmmm?  Perhaps??

The second penis (if you look to the right) was a replica of a tower in Denmark, which the guide described as, "This too is a must see.  But keep in mind its smaller than the original."  (BUWHAHAHA!  "That's what she said!"  HAHAHAHA!)

And here's the penis/tower...

IT'S A PIZZA PARLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!  Um, hello?  How is that a point of interest???  And those were the two "MUST SEE" places in the town.  This is about the part where Lauren exclaimed, "SOLVANG IS BULLSHIT!"  Boy howdy.

So after having some mediocre pastries...

Trying on some shoes...

...And looking at the dead field behind the mission with the Santa Barbara fires in the b/g...

...We hightailed it to the original city of comfort:  Santa Barbara.  Even though it was on fire, it was much more enjoyable.

We did our usual routine:  Candy on the pier, shopping and dinner w/ drinks.  (I got tipsy!)  

Solvang, we officially break up with you!  

Wooden shoes give you splinters!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - A PIZZA PARLOR!  IT WAS A PIZZA PARLOR!!!

PPS - EVERYTHING CLOSES AT 4PM!  WTF?!

PPPS - SOLVANG IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!  

***

Dear Star Trek,

WOW!  You were actually pretty amazing!  (Even though you're a direct rip-off of Star Wars I'll forgive you because you had very pretty boys in it and that was enough to entertain me cuz that's how I roll these days.)  But as I am an old biddy, my question to you does not have to do with the time-travel plot hole, nor does it have to do with the "Spock and Uhura" hook-up.  (REALLY!?!  Spock and Uhura?  Really?!)  My burning question is this:  Why do all the ships have these walk-ways without railings?

I couldn't help but notice on Nero's ship (as well as Darth Vadar's, ahem...) that there are all these bottomless pits for people to fall to their deaths.  Why is this?  Did your contractor bail on the project?  Did you put extra money into the other aspects of the ship (such as the menacing pointy-things that seem to have no other function than for a Red Shirt to be able to look at his screen and say, "Enemy ship approaching!") and then ran out of money?  Or did you run into foreclosure?  A biddy wants to know why you would opt for something so dysfunctional!

Listen, I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without a railing.  I'd be on all fours crawling around that ship.  (Oh ... um... ahem.)  Mayhaps I just figured out the reasoning for this architectural decision.   Ahem.

May the force live long and prosper with you!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Simon Pegg over Chris Pine any day.  ANY.  DAY.

PPS - I caught the Enterprise joke about the dog because I'm the only one who watched that series.  Sigh...

PPPS - I'll watch your second movie when it comes out, which I'm sure will not be anything like "Empire Strikes Back."  Right?

Friday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Heat Wave,

Welcome!  I'm sorry that I'm not ready for your arrival, but you are indeed 2 whole months early.  Isn't that taking Type-A to the extreme?  

I'd like to ask that you retreat back to the hell from which you came and let us poor plebes experience just a little bit of Springtime.  Just a little.  I like to not feel like I'm going to explode when I step outside.

Breaking out the Shower to Shower,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Sweating immediately upon exiting the shower is NOT SEXY.

PPS - I need all the help I can get in the 'sexy' department.

PPPS - I'm not kidding.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for giving me more wherewithal than this lady:

You're not fully dressed without a smile!

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

PPS - Suddenly, I feel a little sexier since the last letter...

Dear Unemployment,

THANK YOU FOR ROCKING SO HARD!  I love all the projects I'm lining up, the time to see my friends and finally take a road trip for the first time in YEARS.  Thank you.  I never thought I'd say that in the middle of a recession, but seriously, you were about to kill me.

No bailouts for me!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I'm also grateful that I don't have a social security deduction since I won't ever see it.  Seriously, that's just rude to steal my money!

PPS - Ooops, COBRA is taking your place.  THIEVES!

PPPS - I still wouldn't have it any other way.  

The New Old Biddy's Primer to Being A Single 30-Mumble-Year-Old

Congratulations, you're single!  There are so many benefits to being single versus being in a relationship.  Trust me.  For instance, you don't have to share your tea with anyone, which is much more economical.  That's extra money in your pocket that you can spend on artificial sweetener!  Also, your chances of contracting swine flu has been drastically cut in half as you no longer do intimate things like holding hands or other indoor sports.  Who knew abstinence was a life saver?  LOL!  And the very best benefit, one less birthday gift to write a thank you note for.  Hooray!  Think of all the ink and time saved!

Sigh... Yeah.  This is a hard one to spin.

I've been single for about a month now and I wish I could report that I'm a strong Beyonce type woman who's out at clubs shouting, "I'm single, bitches!  Where are the men at?!  I gots to get me some of that!"  But the truth is that I've spend a lot of time at home crying into my dog's neck.  (She's surprisingly absorbent!)   

During this new journey into singleness, I've noticed that being single in your 30's is VERY different than being single in your 20's.  In your 20's, most everybody was single and just as jaded and depressed as I was.  After a break-up, I had plenty of single girlfriends to get dressed up with and go hit a club and stay out all night while cursing "ex-boy of the week's" name.  (Yes, this biddy used to go to clubs.  Don't get too excited, I just held my girlfriends' purses while they danced and was always the designated driver.  Party hardy!)

But in your 30's, it's a different story.  First, most of my friends are married or in serious relationships so that really inhibits things.  Second, you couldn't pay me to go to club.  Third, I don't have the energy that I had back in my 20's.  Back then, I could last on 4 hours of sleep.  Now, if I don't get a solid 9 I'm a wreck.  Fourth, if there's not good parking, I'm not going out!  

I swear to God, I just keep getting sexier.

Now, before you start yelling/typing: "INTERNET DATING, DAMMIT!" I'd like to report, that I've tried this at many different stages of my life, all to disastrous results.  It's mostly the rejection that I find disheartening.  And eHarmony really has cornered the market on rejection.  Boy howdy.  If you were already smarting from a break-up, DO NOT USE eHARMONY!  It sucks donkey balls.  Not only is it crazy expensive, every morning you get to wake up to fresh rejection (aka "closed match").  Thanks, eHarmony.  Thanks, bunches.  Just what the doctor ordered.  You should send free razor blades out as a welcome gift.

And before you start yelling/typing: "YOU NEED TO JUST WORK ON BEING SINGLE AND ON YOURSELF, DAMMIT!" I'd like to tell you respectfully and lovingly tell you to fuck off.  If "working on being single" were so important to the world, then all happily married/shacked up couples should have to have a mandatory break-up so they can work on being single.  Think about it!  Don't say this to a single person.  It's like telling someone who just lost their legs to "Just work on doing The Worm!"  In-fucking-sensitive.  Seriously.

So what to do?  How does this New Old Biddy go about finding her happiness again so she can find her New Old Codger?   Here are a few items I currently ascribe to:

1.  Name 3 good things going on RIGHT NOW.  (Thanks for this one, Marcilee!)

2.  Spend tons of time with friends.

3.  HOBBIES!  Painting, writing, improv and reading by the pool.  

4.  Find small things that make me happy.  For instance, a cup of Jasmine Green Tea really makes me smile.  As does listening to the "Incredibad" album over and over.  (MMMM!  Andy Samburg!  Just saying!!)

5.  Exercise, eat right and smile.

6.  Avoid chick lit and flicks.  LIES!  All of them!

7.  Sort through closet and give away anything that makes me feel not so pretty.

8.  Do something crazy, even if it's just using a new nail polish color.  (I'm a low impact biddy.)

9.  Snuggle with my doggie, Matilda.

10.  Let myself be sad when I need to.  I'm not a robot, dammit!  But then after that emotion gets tiresome, I move on to something more positive.  

11.  DO NOT SETTLE.  For anything.  In the wise words of Bonnie Tyler:

I need a hero

I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night

He's gotta be strong

And he's gotta be fast

And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero

I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light

He's gotta be sure

And it's gotta be soon

And he's gotta be larger than life

So that's what I got.  It's not much, but I think it's enough for right now.  

Oh and if anybody has Andy Samburg's number, that'd be awesome.  

Just saying...