Overheard in New York: The New Old Biddy Edition

One of my favorite websites right now is Overheard in New York.  Click the link and laugh your ass off, you'll thank me later. (Seriously, I'll expect a thank you note penned in fanciful calligraphy, complete with statements complimenting my persona and visage.  Shut up, I have needs.)  And since I've been living in NYC for almost a year now (GASP), I wanted to share my OWN "overheard in New York" conversations.  

I know: SQUEE!

I can see my house from here!
Photo credit: Sam O'Hare.
Please visit his photo site HERE.

So here they are - please enjoy!  And make sure to open up your own ears in your neck of the woods and share YOUR own "Overheard in _____" stories!

Overheard on the street... A group of kids walking down the street at night, having a loud conversation:  One of the guys says to another:  "You is damn lucky its yo birthday or I'dda pushed you in the sandwich shop." Yes.  Lucky indeed.

Overheard on the subway... A very drunk 30-something-guy drinking vodka right out of the (plastic flask) bottle listening to his iPod and LOUDLY singing and crying in German, "The world!  THE WORLD!"  (And PS, "world" was pronounced "vorld.")  To top off this picture, he was sitting next to a granola-woman dressed in all natural fibers wearing a pin that said: "I heart mountains." It. Was. Awesome.

Observed on the street...  A black Rolls Royce Phantom patrolling the streets of the Upper West Side with the license plate that reads: "A MASTER."   Master "what," I wonder.... (Insert easy joke here.)

Overheard on the street....  A 20-something girl and guy are walking down the street.  The girl is obviously midstory and is yelling: "So they all hated me! All of them! They all hated me all the time!" The look on the guy's face she was with confirmed that her statement was mistakenly spoken in the past tense.

Overheard on the street.... Two gregarious girls sauntering down the street with a bag of booze.  The one girl is singing: "3 bottle of wine in the bag! 3 bottles of wine! Take them down and pass them around and then we're going to die!"  Not exactly Darwin's theory, but okay....

Overheard on the street.... Two guys  in suits walking briskly down the street and one says to the other: "...I mean if relationship stuff comes up, that's great, but I will only date strippers." Um... At least he's open to a relationship...?

Spoken to me on the street...  While walking my dog, a homeless guy says: "Hey beautiful lady, I'll walk your dog if you walk me."   No, thanks.  You're not my type.

Overheard in a restaurant....  A middle-aged man and woman sitting at a table, chatting over coffee about their lives.  She asks him about a job interview to which he responds: "Am I going to the job interview in Princeton? Of course not! It'll take DAYS to drive there. I mean Phili is 2 hours away."  I didn't realize there were 2 hours in a day.  Learn something new every day, or every 2 hours, depending on how you quantify it.

Overheard on the subway...  2 students sitting together: "Your sophomore year is about the time you realize you're not a freshman anymore." *facepalm*

Overheard on the street.... A very agitated man YELLING into his cell phone: "So you don't know if the movie is on Demand or not?!" Guy has his priorities apparently...

Encountered on the street...  I was walking home from work when a guy got in my face and yelled his greeting at me: "HEY BLACK MAN!" I was tempted to yell back: "HEY WHITE GIRL!" but you know... that would be wrong.

Overheard in a restaurant... A man and woman eating dinner, the man is talking about his new cell phone: "I got Google Maps but I don't know how to use Google Maps. I need a 12-year-old to teach me how to use the Google Maps."  He should carpool with the guy who thinks it takes a day to get to Princeton.

And finally..... I overheard this one this summer with my friend, Julia.  NOTE: It's not nice.  It's not PC.  It's not clean.  BUT it's so hilarious.  We doubled over laughing for about 10 minutes.  We just couldn't contain ourselves.  So please read with caution and remember, like a 2-year-old, I'm just repeating what I heard an adult say....

Overheard on the street....  A large African-American guy is standing in front of a movie theatre, nonchalantly going over the listings to his friend on the other end of his cell phone, "The Blindside: you know the one where the Sandra Bullock plays the benevolent white cunt who saves the retard."

You.  Are.  Welcome.