I Could Have Been the Next Steve Jobs

I'm grumpy. I'll try to narrow the field of this vast and often felt emotion...

Today's dissatisfaction is due to technology. But to be fair, I've always found technology a touch disappointing. For instance, when I was a kid I thought our family was poor because we had to use a CAR to drive to New Jersey instead of simply 'beaming' ourselves there while a nice Scottish man pushed buttons. I'm not kidding. This was my thought process. And even though none of my other friends had a beaming device, I still thought we should have one. 

I have never publicly announced this but I feel like now is the time to go on record as letting you know that it was actually ME who invented the answering machine. Let me explain...

In the early 80s, a friend and I realized that it would be great to be able to leave a message so you wouldn't have to continually call (aka "stalk" as it's now called) a friend to catch them when they're home. So we drew up a crude drawing of what we thought an answering machine would look like. There was a speaker, volume knob, as well as a group of other buttons that would obviously be what controlled the playback of our new device. We took this diagram and mailed it to the phone book company (as we thought THAT was the heart of the phone industry). We were SURE that we would hear back in just a few days because our idea was just that revolutionary. Also, we included BOTH of our home phone numbers, you know, in case one of us was not home because 5th grade.

Fast forward to 3 months later and I'm in Radio Shack with my parents and OH MY GOD IT'S AN ANSWERING MACHINE. It was right there in front of me. Exactly as we had drawn it. It was even the same color brown as the crayon we used. It was all I could do not to burst into tears and throw blank 8-track tapes at everyone around me. (I should note that it was at that moment that I knew life would be one big screw-over. I was 11.)

This is like EXACTLY what my friend and I drew.
Damn you for stealing my dreams, Pennsylvania Bell!

 

So there you have it. You can (and should) thank me for the answering machine. I'm sure that had my genius been nurtured instead of stolen, I'd have gone on to invent other amazing things like GPS, automatic can openers, and laser discs. YOUR LOSS, WORLD. Your loss.

I had a lot of things to say....

...but then my mind went blank. All the thoughts I had during the day about "wow, that would be really great to write about," are dead. How did they die?

Oh right. "The Voice." (Spoiler: Not the TV show. Although that can be annoying too.)

"Except for me, right, Jennifer? I mean look at me. My tatoo. My vest. Look into my swarthy eyes. Don't resist. And don't forget to watch The Voice,  sometime during the week on television only on Fox. I think."

I had this idea the other day to write about the umbrella that I've had for just about 10 years finally dying. But then a voice in my head said, "Nah, dumb."

I had another idea about reviewing all the new restaurants I've been to in the past few months. "Meh, who cares?"

I had another idea about using photos I find on the web to illustrate what a migraine feels like, "Yeah, yeah, you're a victim. Pffffft."

I had another idea....... no wait.... I stopped having ideas.

So here's my blog. About how I'm stumped about what to write about because I'm getting in my own damn way. So I'm just writing this. So I can say I wrote. I'm not going to copy-edit this or think too hard about it. This just is what it is. A big pile of words. Some of them make sense. Most don't.

And now a photo of a pig in leaves for no good reason other than when I Google "pig in leaves" this is the first photo that shows up. Enjoy.

"Oink oink, my good man!"
(photo credit: www.kimballstock.com)

Daily Burn Reminds Me I'm Lazy

In my 20s I could eat anything I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I never put on a pound. This is not a joke, nor is it bragging (or a medical condition - stop worrying). If you don't believe me, you can ask any of my theatre peeps who watched me on countless nights snarf down large plates of greasy diner bacon followed by voluptuous pieces of chocolate cake damn near the size of my head. And then the next day I'd be be like, 'Hey my pants are too big. Weird!' I know.... I know... I was THAT asshole.

I would like to acknowledge that my head is larger than this photo. Shut up, it is.
(photo credit: purplefoodie.com)

In my 30s I put on 10 pounds in the span of an evening. I went to bed at 29, woke up at 30 and BLAM, all that cake caught up with me. (Mostly in my middle in the form of a muffin top, which I at least found poetic.)

10 years later at 39, I went to bed and woke up at 40 and BLAM... my metabolism was actually sitting on the end of the bed, packed and ready to go. It said to me what all the men I date say, "Peace out, babe. I'm done. There's a 20-something over there with my name on her." (...Insert sad trombone noise here...)

My photo on Tinder after 40.
(Photo credit: sabrinascrossing.blogspot.com)

Now I should clarify -- I am/was by no means fat. I just wasn't in good shape or at all strong. I was just walking foie gras. Soft and tasty! Wait... that's a different blog. Ahem.... cough.

So this past August (age 42) I realized that I gotta get my shit together and work out. I've avoided it long enough. I'd recently seen the ads for DailyBurn and it appealed to me. I hated the gym, I'm (always) on a budget, and I finally have an apartment big enough to do a jumping jack in... I signed up.

The first workout I did with them was part of their "True Beginner" program and it KICKED my ass. KICKED. MY. ASS. I was a wreck after my first workout. My thighs burned. My arms ached. My everything hurt. I hobbled around for a few days afterwards before even daring to do the next workout.

"At least I'm cute so you have something to look at while you cry and throw up."
(Photo Credit: Justin Ruben, True Beginner trainer, DailyBurn.com)

But here I am several months later and I gotta say, I look great:

My profile photo on Our Time.
(photo credit: They most likely don't want to be associated with this inane post...)

I'm much more fit now. I can open jars and my arms have a shape other than "lump." As a result, I've moved on from True Beginner to Cardio Sculpt, so again I'm going through the "OMG, I can't walk," and for none of the "fun" reasons.

I still struggle with the urge to just sit down and watch Hulu/Netflix until bed time when I get home from work. (I mean, Gotham is soooo good this year, right?) But I try to hit DailyBurn at least 2-3 times a week.

I do long for the days of plates of bacon and chocolate cake for dinner. But I guess this is worth it. I should be completely kick-ass by 43. And 44. And 45 + infinity!

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to eat my "gluten free Indian Aloo Mattar wrap" and then do my "Lean Abs" workout. Then I'm going to stretch (aka lie down) and reflect (aka cry) while my dog smothers me with love (aka judgement).

It's funny, cuz it's true.