Things I Will Not Apologize For....

Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything, 

You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets.

Henry A. Kissinger

Recently writer Washington Post blog author, Alexandra Petri, wrote an article titled, Famous Quotes, the Way A Woman Would Have to Say Them in a Meeting. (Read it, I'll wait...)

While hilarious, this article is also incredibly sad due to its spot on accuracy: Women apologize. For everything. All the time. (I'm sorry, was that too harsh? I totally mean that some women apologize, certainly not you ever. Only some! The weak few, of which you are not! You are amazing and I'm a big stupid nothing! I'm so sorry for breathing your air!!)

I've decided in the spirit of Petri's article to blog a list of things I absolutely have apologized for in the past. As of now, no apologies. Not now or ever. You can't make me. RAWR.

I will not apologize for....

• ...wanting to be in a relationship. 
• ...taking copious pictures of my dog in the same exact position every day. (#MaggieAndLady on Instagram, people!)
• ...speaking confidently. 
• ...having opinions.
• ...having an autoimmune disease. 
• ...not believing in God. 
• ...supporting and using Planned Parenthood.
• ...not knowing something that isn't in my area of expertise.
• ...aging.
• ...not digging Halloween.
• ...listening to copious amounts of Pitbull.
• ...the amount of bacon I eat.
• ...the bevy of emotions that live inside of me.
• ...not wanting kids of my own.

My dad always said to live without regrets, but don't be an asshole about it. (Well, not exactly that, but that was the gist.) So here's to keeping apologies limited to situations that actually deserve them. 

Okay, until my next blog.... Rock on! (Oh, I won't apologize for using that phrase either... also, I love saying "Groovy." #Sorry/NotSorry)

Quick post....

Ugh. Tonight writing holds no interest for me but I promised to write daily. (I wish I was the kind of person who can't keep a promise....)

I will make this easy on myself. Here is a list of expressions my dog makes:

1. The same one. A lot.

The end.

Stand Clear of the Closing Doors

"If I ever have to stop taking the subway,
I'm gonna have a heart attack."
-- Edward Norton

I get it, Ed. Me too. I actually adore the subway. Let me explain....

I lived in LA for 15 years and I spent about 14 1/2 years of that trapped on the 405. (I am pretty sure I spent the entirety of my early 30s year trying to get onto the 10 and failing to be let in even though I used my blinker and a bevy of hand signals. If memory serves, I was finally able to make a u-turn on La Tijera Blvd somewhere around my 36th birthday.) Needless to say, listening to a Mariachi band while riding in a subway car that smells like fresh poo is actually not too bad in comparison.

I have to admit that my favorite part of the subway ride isn't that I can get to midtown in 20 minutes or that I can buy a monthly pass for less than a car payment. My favorite part of my commute is the temperament of the MTA employee who is in charge of the announcements. Often, the announcements are fairly benign, mumbled and usually without enthusiasm. However, this morning was chock full of excitement and I was pumped.

To set the stage you need to know that the train was delayed. So at 8am, the platform was filled to the rim with more assholes than usual. The train arrives and it's already full. FACT: This capacity issue doesn't mean that one should wait for the next train. It actually means, "Shove and push and mutter 'Jesus Christ!' under your breath in the most irritated stage whisper you can muster then glower at anybody who makes eye contact."  (I've heard that many New Yorkers actually list this talent as a marketable skill on Linked In.) 

I was able to squeeze into a small space while the MTA employee reminded us, "Make sure to let the customers OFF the train before you enter the train. Stand clear of the closing doors." The train doors banged shut (BING BONG), then sputtered open (BING BONG). The shut (BING BONG), then open (BING BONG). Then we heard: "STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS! PULL YOUR BAG IN! IN THE FRONT!" (BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BONG)

With each stop, the train became more and more full of indignant assholes. The MTA worker was going mental: "PEOPLE OF NEW YORK! LET. THE CUSTOMERS. OFF. THE. TRAIN. BEFORE. YOU. GET ON. There is another train right behind this one! WAIT FOR IT. It will show up! I promise! Stand clear of the closing doors!" BING BONG - BING BONG. "PULL YOUR BAG IN! DOWN IN FRONT! STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS!!!! THERE IS A TRAIN RIGHT BEHIND THIS ONE YOU STUPID FUCKERS!" (He didn't say 'you stupid fuckers' but it sure was implied....) 

I'd like to say that this is the first time I've heard a MTA suffer from a complete mental break. But it's not. 

And while I feel badly for the MTA worker, I secretly enjoy the drama as it unfolds. Plus the yelling scares away the Mariachi band...... 

Let's try this again...

Let's try this again. And by "this" I mean "writing." 

I just haven't made the time to write in recent years. That's right, it's my fault. I can't say that I don't have time because I have found time to do other things like post ridiculous status updates on Facebook, take copious amounts of photos of my dog in the same exact position with the same exact look on her face, and to iron my hoodies. (Okay, that last one is a joke. I don't iron.)

I recently read (actually, listened to) Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. This book made me cry. It was an amazing cry. It was the cry that finally let out a bucket load of pent up fear, self judgement, and creative stagnation. 

Since I left the entertainment industry I've become scared of writing as in my mind it went from being a vocation to being a hobby. I simply didn't know how to handle the transition. For some reason, for me, the word "hobby" felt... small. Unimportant. Like I'm suddenly that weird uncle who "tinkers" instead of a strong woman who creates. Why was this transition so paralyzing? Why was I even labeling it a "transition"? I don't have answers to that. All I know is that I suddenly became very afraid of people judging me for not being a "real" writer and for some reason, this really mattered to me. 

Back to Elizabeth's book....

Hearing her describe the fear she went through as a writer was like an old friend wrapping a blanket around my shoulders and offering me a cup of tea. It was comfort in the form of support. I was able to digest that I'm not alone, nobody is judging me except me, and my fears are of my own doing. What a great revelation... and right on time.

So here's my plan: It's NaMoWriMo coming up and I'm going to use this to jumpstart my journey back into being an active writer. My plan, to simply write daily in this blog. That's all. No word limits. No big goals other that, "Put words here and hit 'publish.'" To help myself succeed, I'm going to use my favorite habit tracking app (perfctday) so I can watch my writing streak increase with each passing day. (Also, I love metrics... I'm sure I'll blog about that at some point.) I will also post my ramblings on social media so you can follow the journey.

So here it is. First day of writing = done. And it didn't hurt! Much.

*****

PS - I should note that I understand that this whole "fear of writing" post is a first world problem to the gazillionth degree. I'm grateful that this is my biggest fear.