* Handyman
* Truck driver
* Really any blue collar job because I'm completely inept
* Really any job that has to do with money because math scares me
* Government spy
* Army person
* Tough person
* Any job that doesn't require crying
Okay, so that's just an overview of jobs I'm not qualified for, but I think you get the gist.
Back to my black eye....
If you are new to my blog, you need to know that I have a 9-lbs Chihuahua named Maggie. But now her name is "The Fist." Why? Cuz she head-punched me with her head this weekend and now I look like this:
 |
| WHAH! (And where did those crows feet come from? DAMMIT!) |
Okay, shut up, I know it only looks like I went a little crazy with purple eye shadow but I assure you that THIS REALLY HURT(S) and was quite swollen last night upon impact. And what was that impact? Maggie jumped up as I bent over. (TWSS.)
For those of you who have never been punched by your dog (or as Lifetime Television calls it, "falling into a door knob,") this is what happens after your brain registers that you have indeed been domestically roughed up by your canine:
* Try not to cry
* Try not to throw up
* Make sure Maggie is okay
* Keep trying not to throw up
* See stars
* CRY FULL FORCE
* Ice my eye
* CRY, WHIMPER, and TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PAIN
I estimate the crying lasted anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours. Give or take. I wasn't really keeping track.
So overall, this incident is just another notch in my "Delicate Daisy" belt. But it did allow me to just instant message the following sentence to my friend: "Maggie basically fisted me with her head." So... that's a win.
And by the way, I will now watch all movies and LAUGH when someone gets punched and then just pops back up like it "ain't no thing." Cuz that's bullshit. Someday when I write/star/direct a film, I'll have a punching scene where everyone stops after one punch, cries, blogs and has tea. THAT is much more realistic.
So I'll continue to not pursue a career as a top notch government spy and continue to be a Delicate Daisy. After all, it seems to be what I'm naturally good at.
And by the way, I will now watch all movies and LAUGH when someone gets punched and then just pops back up like it "ain't no thing." Cuz that's bullshit. Someday when I write/star/direct a film, I'll have a punching scene where everyone stops after one punch, cries, blogs and has tea. THAT is much more realistic.
So I'll continue to not pursue a career as a top notch government spy and continue to be a Delicate Daisy. After all, it seems to be what I'm naturally good at.
A girl I work with, who is truly an idiot, claimed her dog threw her into a wall causing her black eye a few months back ..... I’m guessing now I should apologize for not believing her... lady I will never forgive you for making me do that! Feel better... BTW Internets high 5 to Maggie...way to protect yourself girl!
ReplyDeleteMarcy - who still can't successfully log in to make a comment :-( Epic Fail!
Idiots tend to get "beat up" by our dogs. As a card carrying member, I'm allowed to say this....
DeleteI was going to click on the "happy fists" reaction, but then I was afraid I'd give you a black eye on your other eye, so I stuck with the LOL. But I'm LOL-ing from a safe distance.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon and Maggie keeps her head to her self. :)
(And almost spit out my coffee reading the "fisted" text. That's hysterical.)
Maggie seems to be fine and I'm technically fine but still whiny. (I do have a head/eye ache going on...)
DeleteAnd glad I made you spit. (TWSS?)
Similar to what anon 11:28 AM commented I would have never believed someone if they told me their dog gave them a black eye. After this story, I will.
ReplyDeleteGlad you and Maggie are okay. And I find your whiny funny and that's a compliment.
Awww, thanks, TJ. I'm glad my whining is funny. Probably because it's in small doses. ;)
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