Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Letters From Jennifer...

September 15, 2009
After dinner...

Dear Unemployment,

Hello! I'd ask how you are, but since you've been couch crashing at my place for the past 4 1/2 months, I know exactly how you are. (And you need a shower.) Simply put, Unemployment: You've overstayed your welcome.

Granted, like a nerd on prom night, I couldn't wait to get my hands on you last May. You with your enticements of "free time," "sleeping in" and "shopping at Target while its empty instead of the weekend when every idiot takes their entire family out to buy a box of Band-Aids." You got me like the Fox News gets middle America. Hook. Line. Sinker.

But now, unemployment, I find you... annoying. Oh sure, my dog Matilda LOVES you, but don't let that fool you. She also loves my not-so-good-friend, Migraine, as well because Migraine likes to keep me on the couch for days at a time, which for Matilda means 'round the clock snuggles. (I know, my dog is co-dependent, that's a separate letter, Unemployment. This letter is about YOU.)

Anyhoo... I'd like to suggest that you move along from here. Get out. Pack your bags. Find some other sap who finds your "free time" alluring. Oh and you can shove it where the unemployment check don't shine. Just for funsies.

Will work for dignity,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - If you could at least wash the dishes in the sink, I'd let you stay.

****

Dear Guy at Subway,

Oh my stars, aren't you a prize? Who am I, you ask? I was the girl in the yogurt shop watching your incredible disregard for all other human beings around you.

First of all, I'd like to commend you on your outfit. Orange flowered shorts and a blue t-shirt with slippers. Dude. You either have major balls or no brain. (Either way, you probably need a trip to the doctor.)



Second, I loved the way you bussed your own table. The COMPLETE disregard you had for a person's food left on the table at the time was just... amazingly douchey. I loved the way you just shoved the cup filled with soda du jour off the table with your LA Times, thus spilling said drink all over the sidewalk and the pant cuffs of 3 LARGE males sitting next to you. THAT. WAS. AWESOME.

Third, I loved the way you told them it wasn't your fault as though you did nothing outside the norm. Sir, I assert you should be on
Cheaters. You totally reminded me of a typical scene at the end of the show where Joey Grecco busts in on the cheating guy having (crazy) sex with his date and then claims to not know her and then yells at his girlfriend, "Why are you following me, bitch?!" Yeah. You're definitely that guy. (Oh wait, you have to be able to date. Awww, sorry, nerdlet. Moving on...)

Fourth, you ordered a LETTUCE SANDWICH. Swear on a stack of Olay Regenerist products, it was a LETTUCE SANDWICH. And you ate it with a ferociousness I can't explain...


Do us all a favor and get a clue? Kthanksbye.

I eat protein!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - The way you hit on that woman who walked by was pretty awesome. Yelling at her. Nice touch. So romantic. And the flapping arm. Really hot.
PPS - My friend and I walked by and did not receive the same response as the (not as pretty) woman did. WTF?! Asshat. We are quality females. But then again, you like lettuce sandwiches...
PP PS - Please don't procreate.

****

Dear Skinny Jeans,

OHMIGODILOVEYOU! Thank you for waiting for me to come back to you. And thank you for not calling me fat. I was just more body than you could handle at the time, right?

Svelte,
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I ate muffin mix with a spoon tonight.
PPS - Please still fit tomorrow.
PP PS - I'm not kidding.
PP PPS - I'm sorta fragile and I'm against vomiting.
PP PPPS - WHAH!

****

Dear French Music,

I can't get enough of you. I listen to you all the time. All day long even. Edith Piaf is my fave. As is Charles Trenet. I can listen to "Milord" and "Boum" a million times a day. (Seriously. A million. This is not hyperbole.)

However, I have NO idea what any of you are saying. And I am VERY worried that I look like this bopping around my apartment: NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK!!!!! USE HEADPHONES!

Sigh. Oui?

I like cheese!
Jennifer (Eolin)

7 comments:

  1. Dear Jennifer;

    As the legal representative of Unemployment (well, paralegal)(well, in law school)(trade school), I wish to assert that Unemployment has done nothing wrong and since his name is on every bill, he has as much right to live there now as you do.

    If you wish to draw up some sort of contract of expectations, very well, we'd be willing to work (sorry, wrong word) - come to an agreement.

    Here's our terms:

    1. You think about us all the time.

    2. You pay all the bills, even without money, even robbing Peter to pay Paul (whomever they are).

    3. You thank us each and every day when you wake up past 7:00am.

    4. Ditto for every day you don't have to make up an excuse such as "I have H1N1" when the only swine you have is excess bacon.

    Following the mantra my school uses, which is "Don't let your grades stand in the way of your education," I wish to insist on behalf of my client that you let the good times roll. Put a daisy in a rifle. Grow your hair long. Smoke pot (or smoke bacon, your choice). Tune in (to French songs, we like them too...we call them Freedom songs), Tune out (to the siren call of that 4-letter word that rhymes with jerk and provides money), and Turn on (re-runs of SNL...you can dream you're really Kristen Wiig).

    Sorry for the inconvenience, but you invited us and we ain't leavin! Pass the bacon popcorn.

    Love and kisses,

    Unemployment and His Legal Person

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you want some kitschy 70s french music try joe dassin. He's a lot of fun.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOVE the foreign commercial. Tim's like that with American music -- every time I catch him singing along, his version makes absolutely no sense. (His whole family's that way, which makes it really funny when the radio's on at their house.)

    Congrats on making it into the skinny jeans. Even if my ass were small enough, I doubt my legs will ever be. So enjoy for all of us that can't!

    ReplyDelete
  4. lettuce sandwich? i was a vegetarian subway sandwich artist for two years and never had a lettuce sandwich. once i did have a mayo and black pepper one, though. it was a weird craving.

    also, i'm 26 and have had migraines since 3rd grade, the really shitty ones with aura and numbness where i have to lay in a dark room (mostly the bathroom floor) for days until it passed. i recently started taking a beta blocker (atenolol) daily and went from having 2-3 a month to 1 every other month or so, and they're not as bad now!

    just had to share that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear New Old Biddy

    As always you make me giggle. The PPS - Please don't procreate was perfect. Can we start a PDP Police Squad? That would be almost as awesome as this last post.

    I hope that you never have to send another letter to Unemployment.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Mintzworks - you are awesome (but I've known that for quite awhile). I'll think of you as I get up at noon tomorrow...

    Anonymous - I'll check him out - thanks!

    Joanna - why would you want to wear jeans when you have that FABULOUS WARDROBE?! Seriously, you always look better than I ever could.

    Brandi - "Vegatarian Subway Sandwich Artist"?? FOR REALS?! That. Is. Too. COOL. Acupuncture helps my migraines... but since I'm unemployed (see letter #1), I have no money for that! BOOOO! Thankfully, Excedrin Migraine isn't too expensive.

    The Shorts Report - Even though you have a new blogger name, you're still my favorite canadian. ;) PDP Police Squad for sure! I'm sure they have them in Paris. When are we moving there again??

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Dear Guy at Subway"....love it!! Is "The Onion" hiring?

    ReplyDelete

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