Friday, May 29, 2009

Picture Perfect

Sometimes, you find things a day late.  

In my previous blog, I had some of my favorite quotes that I've said (I'm soooo vain) regarding dating.  So press rewind in your head, and pretend this picture accompanied the following quote. 

Ahem...

 "If I hadn't seen his balls first hand,
I'd swear he didn't have any."
--Jennifer Eolin '04



Happy Friday!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Single is the New (Slap) Happy

"A good cup of tea is like a good date:
its smooth, hits all the right spots,
 and I'm not pregnant in the morning."
--Jennifer Eolin '09

I can safely say that in the past 2 months I've had WAY more cups of tea than dates.  I've also had more cups of tea than winning lottery tickets, trips to the moon and good hair days.  

I can safely say that dating is just not an arena that I want to enter for quite awhile, mainly for this reason:  I pick douche bags who are BOYS and not MEN.  This is inevitable.  Is he an enormous douche and incredibly childish?  I will date him!  I seriously trust myself to perform bypass surgery blindfolded, drunk and naked in front of 3908343 people before I trust myself to pick out a real man.  So until I complete the course, "Boys are Dorks and Men are Desirable" and I get an A+ (cuz I'm a perfectionist), I'm on freaking academic probation! 

  "If I hadn't seen his balls first hand,
I'd swear he didn't have any."
--Jennifer Eolin '04

Thankfully, I have a snugly doggie who loves to lay on my chest and snore.  She's also a good 'little spoon' but has problems with 'big spoon.'  She's all paws and attitude!

"I prefer 'dogs' over 'dawgs.'
I'll take fleas over the free clinic anyday."
--Jennifer Eolin '08

So I'm on the quest for enlightenment and better judgement skills.  I'm on the quest for less tears, more joy and great adventure.  I'm also on the quest for happiness, no matter its package.  (That's what she said!)  Oh and if anybody has a way to teach Matilda 'big spoon,' please let me know!  

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My Stand-Up Set (OR Please laugh at what I say cuz I'm needy and crap which is why I'm a comedian)

Hello my wonderful readers!

A few months ago, I did a new stand-up set at The National Comedy Theatre 
(appropriate, yes?)  I've included it below.  
I hope you like it!



Monday, May 18, 2009

Late Night Sunday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Earthquake,

Look at you, 5.0!  What a big boy!  I'd like to thank you, however, for not being "the one" that breaks California off the continent and thus creating "New Hawaii."  That was awfully swell of you.

Doorways are friends!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Sorry about my dog barking and growling at you.  But in her defense, you popped in without texting first.  Not cool.
PPS - Note to self: keep earthquake insurance current even though it would take over 10 years to collect benefits should I need it.
PPPS - At least I wasn't in the bathroom during this earthquake.  Much better timing!  And less embarrassing...

***

Dear Town of Solvang, CA,

"Velkommen" my ass.  What the hell is your problem, Solvang?

Let me backtrack:  My friend Lauren and I have a ritual.  Whenever one of us breaks up with a guy (me this time), we go to Santa Barbara for the day.  (BTW, we've been there A LOT over the years.  A LOT.)  We indulge in candy, drinks, food,  shopping and lots of chatting/laughing.  Now, sadly, this ritual has been in tact for about 9 years.  So to change it up, we decided, "Let's go to Solvang!  I hear it's the most adorable little Dutch town!"  WOOOO!  We're wild and crazy girls trying new things!  Somebody stop us!  

We popped by on a Friday afternoon fully anticipating a day filled with Dutch merriment!  (I'm not sure exactly what that would entail, but we were optimistic!)  Instead, we were greeted by a ghost town that shut down at 4pm and a COMPLETELY delusional visitor's guide.  First of all, he talked up the town so much that you we could hardly stand ourselves!  What fun we were going to have!  And our enthusiasm had nothing to do with all the penises he drew on our map, stating them as points of interest.  


The first penis (with the apt "X" at the top), which was an outside courtyard that he stated was a "MUST SEE," was closed.   And PS, it's right next to the visitor's center.  Maybe he should know the hours of his town?  Hmmm?  Perhaps??

The second penis (if you look to the right) was a replica of a tower in Denmark, which the guide described as, "This too is a must see.  But keep in mind its smaller than the original."  (BUWHAHAHA!  "That's what she said!"  HAHAHAHA!)

And here's the penis/tower...


IT'S A PIZZA PARLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!  Um, hello?  How is that a point of interest???  And those were the two "MUST SEE" places in the town.  This is about the part where Lauren exclaimed, "SOLVANG IS BULLSHIT!"  Boy howdy.

So after having some mediocre pastries...


Trying on some shoes...


...And looking at the dead field behind the mission with the Santa Barbara fires in the b/g...


...We hightailed it to the original city of comfort:  Santa Barbara.  Even though it was on fire, it was much more enjoyable.

We did our usual routine:  Candy on the pier, shopping and dinner w/ drinks.  (I got tipsy!)  


Solvang, we officially break up with you!  

Wooden shoes give you splinters!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - A PIZZA PARLOR!  IT WAS A PIZZA PARLOR!!!
PPS - EVERYTHING CLOSES AT 4PM!  WTF?!
PPPS - SOLVANG IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!  

***

Dear Star Trek,

WOW!  You were actually pretty amazing!  (Even though you're a direct rip-off of Star Wars I'll forgive you because you had very pretty boys in it and that was enough to entertain me cuz that's how I roll these days.)  But as I am an old biddy, my question to you does not have to do with the time-travel plot hole, nor does it have to do with the "Spock and Uhura" hook-up.  (REALLY!?!  Spock and Uhura?  Really?!)  My burning question is this:  Why do all the ships have these walk-ways without railings?

I couldn't help but notice on Nero's ship (as well as Darth Vadar's, ahem...) that there are all these bottomless pits for people to fall to their deaths.  Why is this?  Did your contractor bail on the project?  Did you put extra money into the other aspects of the ship (such as the menacing pointy-things that seem to have no other function than for a Red Shirt to be able to look at his screen and say, "Enemy ship approaching!") and then ran out of money?  Or did you run into foreclosure?  A biddy wants to know why you would opt for something so dysfunctional!

Listen, I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without a railing.  I'd be on all fours crawling around that ship.  (Oh ... um... ahem.)  Mayhaps I just figured out the reasoning for this architectural decision.   Ahem.

May the force live long and prosper with you!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Simon Pegg over Chris Pine any day.  ANY.  DAY.
PPS - I caught the Enterprise joke about the dog because I'm the only one who watched that series.  Sigh...
PPPS - I'll watch your second movie when it comes out, which I'm sure will not be anything like "Empire Strikes Back."  Right?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Friday Letters from Jennifer...

Dear Heat Wave,

Welcome!  I'm sorry that I'm not ready for your arrival, but you are indeed 2 whole months early.  Isn't that taking Type-A to the extreme?  

I'd like to ask that you retreat back to the hell from which you came and let us poor plebes experience just a little bit of Springtime.  Just a little.  I like to not feel like I'm going to explode when I step outside.

Breaking out the Shower to Shower,
Jennifer (
Eolin)

PS - Sweating immediately upon exiting the shower is NOT SEXY.
PPS - I need all the help I can get in the 'sexy' department.
PPPS - I'm not kidding.


Dear Universe,

Thank you for giving me more
wherewithal than this lady:


You're not fully dressed without a smile!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
PPS - Suddenly, I feel a little sexier since the last letter...


Dear Unemployment,

THANK YOU FOR ROCKING SO HARD!  I love all the projects I'm lining up, the time to see my friends and finally take a road trip for the first time in YEARS.  Thank you.  I never thought I'd say that in the middle of a recession, but seriously, you were about to kill me.

No bailouts for me!
Jennifer (
Eolin)

PS - I'm also grateful that I don't have a social security deduction since I won't ever see it.  Seriously, that's just rude to steal my money!
PPS - Ooops, COBRA is taking your place.  THIEVES!
PPPS - I still wouldn't have it any other way.  

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The New Old Biddy's Primer to Being A Single 30-Mumble-Year-Old

Congratulations, you're single!  There are so many benefits to being single versus being in a relationship.  Trust me.  For instance, you don't have to share your tea with anyone, which is much more economical.  That's extra money in your pocket that you can spend on artificial sweetener!  Also, your chances of contracting swine flu has been drastically cut in half as you no longer do intimate things like holding hands or other indoor sports.  Who knew abstinence was a life saver?  LOL!  And the very best benefit, one less birthday gift to write a thank you note for.  Hooray!  Think of all the ink and time saved!

Sigh... Yeah.  This is a hard one to spin.

I've been single for about a month now and I wish I could report that I'm a strong Beyonce type woman who's out at clubs shouting, "I'm single, bitches!  Where are the men at?!  I gots to get me some of that!"  But the truth is that I've spend a lot of time at home crying into my dog's neck.  (She's surprisingly absorbent!)   

During this new journey into singleness, I've noticed that being single in your 30's is VERY different than being single in your 20's.  In your 20's, most everybody was single and just as jaded and depressed as I was.  After a break-up, I had plenty of single girlfriends to get dressed up with and go hit a club and stay out all night while cursing "ex-boy of the week's" name.  (Yes, this biddy used to go to clubs.  Don't get too excited, I just held my girlfriends' purses while they danced and was always the designated driver.  Party hardy!)

But in your 30's, it's a different story.  First, most of my friends are married or in serious relationships so that really inhibits things.  Second, you couldn't pay me to go to club.  Third, I don't have the energy that I had back in my 20's.  Back then, I could last on 4 hours of sleep.  Now, if I don't get a solid 9 I'm a wreck.  Fourth, if there's not good parking, I'm not going out!  

I swear to God, I just keep getting sexier.

Now, before you start yelling/typing: "INTERNET DATING, DAMMIT!" I'd like to report, that I've tried this at many different stages of my life, all to disastrous results.  It's mostly the rejection that I find disheartening.  And eHarmony really has cornered the market on rejection.  Boy howdy.  If you were already smarting from a break-up, DO NOT USE eHARMONY!  It sucks donkey balls.  Not only is it crazy expensive, every morning you get to wake up to fresh rejection (aka "closed match").  Thanks, eHarmony.  Thanks, bunches.  Just what the doctor ordered.  You should send free razor blades out as a welcome gift.

And before you start yelling/typing: "YOU NEED TO JUST WORK ON BEING SINGLE AND ON YOURSELF, DAMMIT!" I'd like to tell you respectfully and lovingly tell you to fuck off.  If "working on being single" were so important to the world, then all happily married/shacked up couples should have to have a mandatory break-up so they can work on being single.  Think about it!  Don't say this to a single person.  It's like telling someone who just lost their legs to "Just work on doing The Worm!"  In-fucking-sensitive.  Seriously.

So what to do?  How does this New Old Biddy go about finding her happiness again so she can find her New Old Codger?   Here are a few items I currently ascribe to:

1.  Name 3 good things going on RIGHT NOW.  (Thanks for this one, Marcilee!)
2.  Spend tons of time with friends.
3.  HOBBIES!  Painting, writing, improv and reading by the pool.  
4.  Find small things that make me happy.  For instance, a cup of Jasmine Green Tea really makes me smile.  As does listening to the "Incredibad" album over and over.  (MMMM!  Andy Samburg!  Just saying!!)
5.  Exercise, eat right and smile.
6.  Avoid chick lit and flicks.  LIES!  All of them!
7.  Sort through closet and give away anything that makes me feel not so pretty.
8.  Do something crazy, even if it's just using a new nail polish color.  (I'm a low impact biddy.)
9.  Snuggle with my doggie, Matilda.
10.  Let myself be sad when I need to.  I'm not a robot, dammit!  But then after that emotion gets tiresome, I move on to something more positive.  
11.  DO NOT SETTLE.  For anything.  In the wise words of Bonnie Tyler:

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

So that's what I got.  It's not much, but I think it's enough for right now.  

Oh and if anybody has Andy Samburg's number, that'd be awesome.  

Just saying...


Thursday, April 23, 2009

My life is a clean slate! (Or how I'm justifying my complete mental breakdown)

One month ago, my life was very different.  Well, I guess I should say my reality was very different as I'm still alive and (mostly) functional.  I could childishly whine about what changed and how it negatively affected me.  (BOY COULD I!  I'm a champion whiner.  Just ask my family.  They are so happy I live 3000 miles away.  And often remind me of that.  Which I think is rude.)  In broad strokes the last three weeks of my life have shaped up like this: lost a writing gig, lost my grandmother, lost $3400 to Uncle Sam, divorce was finalized (but then recently found out, it wasn't!) and then the guy who I thought was my boyfriend after 8-months (and PS, who I had fallen in love with), let me know that he was not my boyfriend and that I would remain unloved by him.  Sigh...  I had a broken heart, broken wallet and a sad, sad soul.  It was all too much, so I did what any sane person would do.  I quit my job.  You know, that one piece of stability in my life?  Gone.  Adios.  Outta there.

Now, quitting my job has elicited two very different reactions from friends and family.  The most popular reaction is: "Ohmigod!  Holy shit!  Are you out of your mind?!  It's a recession!  People aren't working!  Grapes cost $12 at the grocery store!  You had a job!  You could afford produce!  HOW IS SOMEONE AS PRETTY AS YOU SO STUPID AND WHAT IF YOU GET SCURVY!?"  (Okay, I added the "pretty" and "scurvy" part.  I needed to soften the blow somehow... but grapes really are $12 at a nearby grocery store.  That's for REALS.)  Then there was a distant second reaction, but my favorite nevertheless:  "GOOD FOR YOU!  Congrats!  I hope you find that job/career that you deserve and makes you happy!"  (Note:  the second response elicits fewer tears and name calling on my part.  Unless you happen to add the "pretty" bit, then I might actually go on a date with you.  Just saying.)

I've worked as a reality writer/producer for over 9 years.  It's never been what I wanted to do, but I'm pretty good at it, so it kept me afloat for the past decade.  I came to LA to write sitcoms.  I started as a writers' assistant on Seinfeld.  It was a great ride (the last two seasons) and I learned more there than I ever did in college.  Then I got an agent at Endeavor (big time!) and wrote an episode of It's like you know (w/ Jennifer Grey and her new nose) and was commissioned to write a script for Kevin Smith's animated series of Clerks.  (Which was cancelled as I was writing my outline for the show... F!)  Then this ass-clown of a show called Who Wants to Be A Millionaire came on and BAM, all the sitcoms went away and reality television moved on in and set up house in prime time.  Endeavor dropped me as they couldn't get anybody a writing gig due to there being only 4 sitcoms on the air.  So knowing that I needed (and liked) to eat, I acclimated to the new television climate.  I wrote for the following:  Blind Date, Change of Heart, House Calls, 4 seasons of elimiDATE, E!, Bud TV and ultimately House Hunters and House Hunters International for the past 3 years.  This was Plan B, folks.  It was supposed to be for 2 years TOPS, not 9.  

I came to earthquake country to write/perform fictional humor.  And I finally got the courage to let myself honor that.

So as of next Wednesday, I'm  completely unemployed.  

Scared?  Shitless.  

Excited?  You bet.  

Remaining positive?  HAHAHAHA!  Best I can.  Mostly.  

I will be pursuing a few things that will hopefully recharge my soul and creativity (in no particular order!):

*  I will FINALLY start writing the books I've been wanting to pen for quite some time.  
*  I will start painting again.
*  I will be able to devote more time to stand-up and performing.
*  I will exercise and eat right.  (Except for chocolate, ice cream and candy.  What?!)
*  I will snuggle with my dog.  A lot.
*  I will see my friends more often!
*  Drinking tea.  Cuz it's awesome.
*  I will make sure that every day is spent living, not merely existing.
*  MORE BLOGGING.

So that's the plan.  Oh and to not go broke.  Financially or emotionally.   To stay the course and not regret the past.  Cherish the mistakes.  Take pride in my risks.  Admit my shortcomings and learn, learn, learn from it all.  And to seriously not get scurvy.  Seriously.  Ew.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

This would make Grandma very proud...


My grandmother was a whiz-bang at memorizing produce prices.  She'd read the newspaper and then you could quiz her about the price of any given vegetable or fruit at the different grocery stores in the area and she would answer with 99.9% accuracy.  And to compound this, if lettuce was 5 cents cheaper a head in the next town over, she'd make Grandpa drive their Cadillac over there so she could buy it there.  Even if it was the only thing she had to get there, "Broccoli is 2 cents cheaper at Wegman's!"  (We dared not tell them that they probably lost their savings in gas...  It was quieter that way.)

So while my grandmother would plan her whole day around her produce purchases, I avoided it like Fox News avoids the truth (HEY-OO!).  Not because of taste (except for cauliflower - blech!), but because I live alone and the stuff goes bad within 2 days of purchase.  And I constantly fall into the trap of, "Wow, tomatoes look great in the store!"  So I buy them.  Then the next day I'm all, "Wow, I don't feel like tomatoes today."  So they stay in the fridge instead of coming to work with me for lunch.  Then a few days later I'll say, "I could go for tomatoes---EWWWW!  GA-ROSSS!  WHY DOES IT HAVE TWO HEADS?!"  And into the trash they go.  Along with the money they cost me.  Phooey.

While I avoid buying produce, I DO buy every As Seen on TV product I can get my hands on.  So imagine my happy fists when I saw this little item beckoning me at my local CVS:


OH HAPPY DAY!  

However, I was wary and kept my happy fists to only two shakes instead of their usual fit.  After all, I'd been duped before.  I've renamed the Sham-Wow the Sham-Bullshit.  It doesn't soak up anything other than my dignity and remaining self esteem.   And $19.99.   (Stupid hooker beater dude is also a liar.  Go figure.)

But in a quest to not throw my blueberries away constantly (why does that sound dirty?!), I bought Debbie Meyer's Green Bags (and why does that sound even dirtier??).  And low and behold.... THEY WORK.  Honestly, they do.

I have tomatoes that are over a week old from Trader Joe's (you know, the kind that you buy and they are already half rotten by the time you get them home).  I have week old blueberries that haven't shriveled up like Papa Smurf's man-junk yet.  I have bell peppers and grapes that are still edible and don't look like biology experiments!  IT'S A MODERN MIRACLE!!!  These bags WORK!  

So in honor of my grandma, I'm passing along my good find in hopes that Debbie Meyer's Green bags will help keep your produce happy and non-mulchy.  But if you drive to the next town to save five cents, I'm sorry, but you're on your own as I don't know an As Seen on TV product that will help you there.  I'll just send you the five cents, how 'bout that?

Monday, April 6, 2009

Dear Grandma...

Today is my Grandma's funeral service.   She had been struggling with congestive heart failure for quite some time now.  But it was shocking that she died last Thursday as my parents were on the way to the hospital to pick her up as she was being discharged that afternoon.  She passed a half hour before my parents arrived.  It was quick and painless.  What we all wish for our loved ones.

It's been a rough few days.  What upsets me the most is that I'll never have make another memory with her.  But thankfully, I have a million memories to keep a smile on my face.

Her funeral is in NY and I'm still in CA.  But I wanted to be a part of the service so I did what I could do, and wrote her a letter.  My mom will be reading it aloud today for me.

I wanted to share it with all of you.  She means so much to me and I wish you all could have met her.  You'd have loved her after five minutes.  Everybody who met her did.

***

Dear Grandma,

I’m writing you this letter because it’s how I’ve come to express myself best.  (Well, I also yell pretty good, like all Eolins do, but that seems inappropriate to say the least.)  I wanted to thank you for all the contributions you’ve made in my life, but then realized that would literally take days.  So instead, I’ve compiled a quick “Top Ten List” of my favorite memories of you.   I hope you like them as much as I do. 

#10 – You got me addicted to Olay lotions at the age of 8.  Drugstores across the land thank you for this as well since they will be the only companies to make it through the recession unscathed.  (Oh and also my hairdresser will do pretty well – nothing interferes with Hair-Do Day!)

#9 – You’re one of the best cooks I know.  You’re so good that even our dog, Maggie, knew as soon as we turned onto Oneida Place that we were coming to visit you and she’d start drooling like a crazed maniac.  (Maggie kept hoping you’d drop that entire leg of lamb on the floor, but much to her chagrin, you were pretty nimble and coordinated.)

#8 – Only you knew every butcher’s name in town and would tell them when you weren’t happy with their work.  (I used to be VERY CONCERNED for your safety as a child since they made a living CUTTING things and often had blood on their aprons from a fresh slaughter.)  When I asked you, “Grandma, why did you tell him that?” you said, “Because he needed to know, that’s why!”  (Which, by the way, I came to learn over the years is a phrase that should be on the Eolin Family Crest.)

#7 – You taught me to speak my mind, no matter the issue.  Because, as Eolins, we’re usually right. (But I still wouldn’t tell a butcher off.  But that’s just me…)

#6 – You always wore a piece of jewelry like a necklace or a pin in addition to your rings.  This just added to your graceful demeanor, and to this day, every time I put on a piece of jewelry, I hope that I carry it off as gracefully and beautifully as you.

#5 – I never understood your charity work for the Red Cross as a kid. I really thought a blood bank ran like a “money bank” did (I wasn’t the brightest).  So years later when I figured it out, (I eventually catch on!) I never got to tell you how proud I was of you for doing all the volunteer work you did.   What an enormous and self-less gift.

#4 – You and Grandpa taught me how to play cards.  And every time I see a deck of cards I think of you and how you would give me the stink eye when I “put you in the bucket” score wise.  Or when I would steal your bid.  Or take your ace.  Come to think of it, you spent the most of our card games giving me the stink eye.  And guess what, I loved every minute of it!

#3 – One time when I was 6-years-old or so, I was staying with you and Grandpa.  You asked me what I wanted for dinner and I said, “A Happy Meal!”  So you got in the car and drove me to McDonald’s to get a Happy Meal.  Then when we got back to your house, you let me watch The Brady Bunch in the den for dinner.  This is still one of my top memories from my entire life.  You made me feel very important and loved, simply by letting me do something a little out of the norm. 

#2 – I love that you took time to make clothes for me growing up.  Some of my favorite pictures are of Sara and I in clothes that you made us.  I vividly remember Sara and I wearing our matching pink dresses and going to the Corning Museum.  Everybody in the museum stopped to tell us they loved our dresses and I remember saying proudly, “My Grandma made it for me!” 

#1 – You always had a hug and a kiss for me.  You always had a laugh and one of the warmest smiles I’ve ever encountered.  Your eyes always sparkled.  You always had wisdom and knowledge to bestow.  You always had an answer for everything.  You were strong and were always around to help and support where you could.  You always made me feel loved, even when we were miles away.  You brought light into every room you entered.  You grew the most beautiful flower garden and the healthiest vegetable garden.  In short… you made me want to be a wonderful person who has a positive effect on those around me.  And for that, I can never thank you enough.

I love you with all my heart, Grandma.  You betcha I will.

Love always,
Jennifer 


The "EWWW" Report

I rarely say the word "EW" out loud.  It's usually something I think in my head.  You know like, "Ew, I gotta pick up dog doodle," or "Ew, my pants do NOT fit anymore," or "Ew, why is Tori Spelling so skinny that I can see her kidneys through her dress?"  You know, basic every day stuff like that.

But today... I said "EW" out loud.  WHY?  Because I saw that someone had Googled "old biddy porn" and my INNOCENT WHOLESOME site popped up.

EW!!!!!!!!!!!  BLEH!  ICKY-POOH!  I needed a anti-bacterial wipe for my brain after seeing that.  Ga-ross.  

WHY would anybody Google that in the first place?  What kind of sad life is that person leading that Googling "old biddy porn" took up part of their Sunday afternoon?  (Maybe Queen Lizzy the Second is makign sure her sex tape wasn't leaked?)  Either way, it's just ...  EWWWWWW.

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