Project Runway: Season 11, Episode 2

I'm not watching Project Runway, 

but I'mma blog about it.

Guidelines for reading this blog:

* Understand that I CAN NOT SEW. But I can use Febreze. So there's that....

* I have no time to watch the episodes, but I have time to be snarky about the final products that wander down the runway. Which leads us to the next rule...

* I am a comedian. Take nothing I say to heart/seriously. Just laugh, life is happier than way.

* My goal with this blog is to see how being blind to the challenges, judges, contestants, etc., affects my judgments. I'm interested to see if I like things that fans universally hate because they know the back-story and vice versa.

* Anything I DO find out about the show will be through my natural course of life on the interwebs via Twitter and Facebook. But I will not seek anything out or click on any articles. I will merely see headlines and comments. That's all.
* If any of these guildelines give you hives, move along unless you have an EpiPen handy.

* (PS - excuse the formatting of the pictures as Blogger is still a hot mess. Or maybe I am. I'm willing to believe it might be a little of both. But mostly Blogger.)

**********

Oh my............ looking at the runway this week and .............. what................. the...............BALLS?

"No guys. Balls are MY business. Srsly."

(PS - if you're going to Google "balls" make sure to put a qualifier in there. Like "Ball pit." Or something like that. Just a tip. Or just the tip... Ahem...)

Okay, I imagine these are all uniforms for some hip place I've never heard of or been to because of the following reasons:

* I am too old

* I am too unhip

* I like my balls, but I'm not serious enough about my balls

I don't even know how to rank these outfits. They are all odd. Some more so than others. Some more bland than others. Some just sent me into fits of giggles. FITS. 

Okay, let's just start........ and I'm giving the categories new names as this was hard to judge:

"Not Totally Awful, Just Mostly MEH"

I hate elastic waistbands. HATE. Whenever I go on ModCloth.com and do the "Be The Buyer" I am always saying: STOP WITH THE ELASTIC WAIST. STOP IT. It looks.... bunchy. It looks like she....

"...Totally cinched it!"

The collar looks like it has a mind of its own. It overwhelms the outfit completely. Which is good because THAT ELASTIC WAIST. I just can't handle it... Plus the elastic gathering around the arms. Just stop it....

Next....

Is this an uniform for a bouncer at a gay club? I mean, "Balls are my business" printed ON HIS BALLS? And what is that big net about? (Although, I must admit that it seems about the right size for him to  be able to chase and recapture his dignity with...)

I don't get the back of the shirt. Why is there a nude spot? Honestly with that net, it just looks like he missed capturing a really big moth. MAYBE HE SHOULD GET BIGGER MOTH BALLS! HAHHAHAHA! Yes. Childish. I don't care.

"I love rayon!"

Next!

Never in a million years would I think this is a uniform, unless I was in a back alley Victoria's Secret. It looks...... trashy. It looks... cheap. It looks....... dull. But at least her moth hole (wow) is symmetrical.

Onwards....

JAMS ARE NOT NOW OR EVER IN FASHION. I mean, look at the model's arms. I mean face. FACE. His face is saying, "This hurts my feelings." (But his arms are saying, "Let me hold you.")

The shirt is fine but who cares, it's just another tank top. Hanes has been doing that for years.

Jams. I can't get past the arms. I mean jams. JAMS. (ARMS! HUBBA HUBBA!)

Next.

Wait........ this model looks HAPPY. Isn't that an instant disqualification?

Again, this doesn't feel like anything I'd see and think, "This person works here. I should ask her where the bathroom is." Plus the skirt over the leggings just looks prudish, especially with so much skin showing in the top. It feels unbalanced. Like my emotions. (But don't worry about me, that blonde model's arms are my new happy place.........)

And another... meh outfit for the bunch:

Is it me or is this a really boring runway?

This outfit is so boring it hurts. It doesn't look classy. It doesn't look comfortable. Can you imagine having to wear short shorts EVERY DAY? I mean, they made Hooters waitresses wear pantyhose for a reason under those things...

In short (literally), there's nothing wrong with this....... but there's not much great about it.

Then there's this.......

Sure. Slap a name tag on this and it's really nice. But doesn't it look a lot like what the model wore last week? And I liked last week's better for a uniform actually! It looks fun yet professional:

"If I wear this dress each week, I'll win."

Ummmmm........................ one trick pony designer?


TOP CHOICES BASED ON THIS IS WHAT'S LEFT, GUYS:

While I wish the shorts were a little longer, I like this as an option for a uniform. It's modest yet sexy. It's professional, yet sexy. It looks like it's comfortable and functional. So this is my top choice for the women's uniform... and now for the guy's....

This looks like an outfit you go to work in! You can get it dirty! You can move around! This says, "Ask me where the bathroom is cuz I work here," outfit.

I like the boots, I like the pants and the t-shirt with the "balls" (tee hee!) saying on the back. This just seems really stylish and well done. I could see the women wearing the same thing but with a fitted t-shirt.

AND NOW THE....

AW HELL NAW outfit (aka "Auf'd"):

NO. BAD. TERRIBLE.

The black t-shirt goes around his middle like a truss and the suspenders are just WAY too over the top. Plus the words. OH THE WORDS. I get that it's trying to be in your face and edgy, but really, I just want him to keep his balls to himself and go into a different business.

Also, the net on the back just looks like he's in a really wimpy version of the Hunger Games.

"My arrows will find your balls and make them MY business."

Auf Wiedersehen zu Ihren Bällen!

And there we go, week #2 down. Still haven't watched an episode and didn't even see a thing about the show this week. So... how are you enjoying the blind episode reviews? Am I in the ballpark? (HAHHAHAA. I know! I know. I know....................)

"The Tutorialists" -- See the Worst Nose Job EVER

Yeah................. this: 

And the aftermath...

Not Gonna Lie.... It's Been A Rough Year

Oy.

This has been an exceptionally hard year.  What can go wrong HAS gone wrong. So naturally, I turned it into a comedy set. (You know, so I can write off my ER bills on my taxes as a job expense...)

Enjoy!  

"The Tutorialists" - The Blooper Reel

My co-star/co-collaborator and co-all-around-awesome-girl, Hannelore Williams, and I have a BLAST doing "The Tutorialists" together! Please check out our silliness on our blooper/outtakes reel.  Enjoy at our expense!  

"The Tutorialists" - Episode 3: How To Use WebMD.com

I think we've all been here once or a hundred times....

"The Tutorialists" - Behind The Scenes: Part 2

You Don't Have To Look Far....

Sometimes I hate that my local bodega is far funnier (albeit unintentionally) than I can ever be.  Behold, their genius...

Obviously a nice perk to being Superman,
as I'm sure he's parched after leaping over buildings in a single bound.
I know I get thirsty after a stroll around the block.

Extra "icy" at no extra charge.

Stay tuned for more!

The Robots - Episode 5: "Change of Life"

Ohhhh how I missed my quirky and weird little robots.  But if you have been following me on Twitter (why wouldn't you?) and memorized all my tweets (why wouldn't you?) then you'll know that for a period of time I boycotted the Xtranormal site as they 1) Got rid of the two voices I used and 2) started charging money.  The creative side of me was pissed, as was my frugal side.  So I pouted.  And tweeted.  Which are actually turning into the same thing in my life lately.  (I kid!  Happy as a lark!  Mostly.)

ANYHOOO.... Fast forward to just NOT BEING ABLE TO STAY AWAY from my robots.  They are different now though and struggling with their new identities, ergo the title of this episode, "Change of Life."

I hope you'll love and embrace my new-ish robots.  I know if they had feelings they would hug and embrace you back.  Enjoy!

Latest Post....

I'm really enjoying my walks down memory lane while writing these columns for The Make-Up Blogger.  Please read my latest (painful) journey into my (hilarious yet not debilitating) past.  Enjoy!

READ COLUMN HERE!

There Goes My Free Time...

"The Robots" - A Webseries!

When I made my little Robot video complaining that my Project Runway blog was late (which is now posted and you can read HERE), little did I know what I was tapping into: PURE DELIGHT!  Oh these little dopey robots just grabbed my heart, my creativity and my inner jackass.  So I've created a little webseries with these little dudes.  Please check out my first episode!  And if you don't... well... I call bullshit.

VOTE FOR THE NEW OLD BIDDY!

HAPPY FISTS!

My lil' ol' blog is nominated for a major award! PLEASE click on the below graphic and scroll down until you find "The New Old Biddy" and then vote ONCE A DAY until July 6th.

Thank you for helping my blog!

*** UPDATE 6/25

WOOOO! Over a 100 votes so far! Thank you! :)

**** UPDATE - 6/24

There are some bugs with this voting website. Some people can see the titles, others, not so much. Some solutions people have told me about are using the Control F function, typing in New Old Biddy and it will find it for you (in the opened Funniest Blog section). Others run the mouse over the titles and they'll show a blurb from the nominated blog.

The leading blog has about 5500 votes. I have 55. Only a few to go to tie! ;)

This would make Grandma very proud...

My grandmother was a whiz-bang at memorizing produce prices.  She'd read the newspaper and then you could quiz her about the price of any given vegetable or fruit at the different grocery stores in the area and she would answer with 99.9% accuracy.  And to compound this, if lettuce was 5 cents cheaper a head in the next town over, she'd make Grandpa drive their Cadillac over there so she could buy it there.  Even if it was the only thing she had to get there, "Broccoli is 2 cents cheaper at Wegman's!"  (We dared not tell them that they probably lost their savings in gas...  It was quieter that way.)

So while my grandmother would plan her whole day around her produce purchases, I avoided it like Fox News avoids the truth (HEY-OO!).  Not because of taste (except for cauliflower - blech!), but because I live alone and the stuff goes bad within 2 days of purchase.  And I constantly fall into the trap of, "Wow, tomatoes look great in the store!"  So I buy them.  Then the next day I'm all, "Wow, I don't feel like tomatoes today."  So they stay in the fridge instead of coming to work with me for lunch.  Then a few days later I'll say, "I could go for tomatoes---EWWWW!  GA-ROSSS!  WHY DOES IT HAVE TWO HEADS?!"  And into the trash they go.  Along with the money they cost me.  Phooey.

While I avoid buying produce, I DO buy every As Seen on TV product I can get my hands on.  So imagine my happy fists when I saw this little item beckoning me at my local CVS:

OH HAPPY DAY!  

However, I was wary and kept my happy fists to only two shakes instead of their usual fit.  After all, I'd been duped before.  I've renamed the Sham-Wow the Sham-Bullshit.  It doesn't soak up anything other than my dignity and remaining self esteem.   And $19.99.   (Stupid hooker beater dude is also a liar.  Go figure.)

But in a quest to not throw my blueberries away constantly (why does that sound dirty?!), I bought Debbie Meyer's Green Bags (and why does that sound even dirtier??).  And low and behold.... THEY WORK.  Honestly, they do.

I have tomatoes that are over a week old from Trader Joe's (you know, the kind that you buy and they are already half rotten by the time you get them home).  I have week old blueberries that haven't shriveled up like Papa Smurf's man-junk yet.  I have bell peppers and grapes that are still edible and don't look like biology experiments!  IT'S A MODERN MIRACLE!!!  These bags WORK!  

So in honor of my grandma, I'm passing along my good find in hopes that Debbie Meyer's Green bags will help keep your produce happy and non-mulchy.  But if you drive to the next town to save five cents, I'm sorry, but you're on your own as I don't know an As Seen on TV product that will help you there.  I'll just send you the five cents, how 'bout that?

Poll #1 is closed!

Boy howdy do I love the "poll" gadget that I can add to my new blog.  WOO!  I have so many burning questions that will need answering.  (I may need an intervention soon.  Not yet.  But soon.  But not yet.)

So Poll #1 addressed the all important question:  Are hoodies age-inappropriate for people over 35?

3% (or 6 of you) answered, "Heck yes!  Wear grown up clothes already!"  My response:  Hmph.  Where am I supposed to put my tissues if I'm not wearing a hoodie?  Riddle me that, and then get back to me, k?  (And don't tell me my pant's pocket - that leaves an unslightly bulge that irritates me only slightly less than a visible panty line.  I MAY have some OCD issues...)

2% (or 5 of you) answered, "I'm a nudist and therefore cannot answer this poll."  My response:  WHERE do YOU put your tissues?!  (NO!  Don't answer that! LALLALALLAAAA!)  

Ahem... Moving along...

42% (or 73 of you who are SANE) answered, "Nope, it's quite hip.  Even to a wedding."  I couldn't agree more!!  If I ever do get married again (BUWAHAHHAHAHAHHAA! Oh God, I said a funny...) I will get married (HAHHAA! I can't say "married" without laughing!)  in jeans and a hoodie.  Although, I might splurge on a hoodie that's over $25... just like I did when I spent a whole $27.50 on my wedding dress.  (You read that right - this new old biddy likes to bargain shop!)

And 55% (or 95 of you who are also sane but have a touch of 'the sassy' in you) answered, "I agree with whatever Tim Gunn thinks."  I'm pretty sure he hates hoodies I'd bet my life on it.  Along with leggings, which thankfully I don't wear so he can't totally hate my entire wardrobe.  Although he probably would anyway as it's just a big old closet of the same thing in different colors.  He would sigh a lot whilst flicking through the bevy of hoods.  And he would do so in my face while flexing his jowels of disappointment at me.  

In my next poll, hoodies are so far the clear winner.  This gives me hope.  And hopefully, will make Tim Gunn reconsider the importance and beauty of a hoodie.  Wow, did I just really type that?  Okay... I may need that intervention now...