You Don't Have To Look Far....

Sometimes I hate that my local bodega is far funnier (albeit unintentionally) than I can ever be.  Behold, their genius...

Obviously a nice perk to being Superman,
as I'm sure he's parched after leaping over buildings in a single bound.
I know I get thirsty after a stroll around the block.

Extra "icy" at no extra charge.

Stay tuned for more!

My First Black Eye (AKA: Why I Will Never Be A Spy)

There are many things in life that I know I will never be.  Here's a brief sample:

* Handyman

* Truck driver

* Really any blue collar job because I'm completely inept

* Really any job that has to do with money because math scares me

* Government spy

* Army person

* Tough person

* Any job that doesn't require crying

Okay, so that's just an overview of jobs I'm not qualified for, but I think you get the gist.  

Back to my black eye....

If you are new to my blog, you need to know that I have a 9-lbs Chihuahua named Maggie.  But now her name is "The Fist."  Why?  Cuz she head-punched me with her head this weekend and now I look like this:

WHAH!
(And where did those crows feet come from?  DAMMIT!)

Okay, shut up, I know it only looks like I went a little crazy with purple eye shadow but I assure you that THIS REALLY HURT(S) and was quite swollen last night upon impact. And what was that impact? Maggie jumped up as I bent over.  (TWSS.) 

For those of you who have never been punched by your dog (or as Lifetime Television calls it, "falling into a door knob,") this is what happens after your brain registers that you have indeed been domestically roughed up by your canine:

* Try not to cry

* Try not to throw up

* Make sure Maggie is okay

* Keep trying not to throw up

* See stars

* CRY FULL FORCE

* Ice my eye 

* CRY, WHIMPER, and TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PAIN

I estimate the crying lasted anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours.  Give or take. I wasn't really keeping track.

So overall, this incident is just another notch in my "Delicate Daisy" belt.  But it did allow me to just instant message the following sentence to my friend: "Maggie basically fisted me with her head."  So... that's a win.

And by the way, I will now watch all movies and LAUGH when someone gets punched and then just pops back up like it "ain't no thing."  Cuz that's bullshit. Someday when I write/star/direct a film, I'll have a punching scene where everyone stops after one punch, cries, blogs and has tea.  THAT is much more realistic.

So I'll continue to not pursue a career as a top notch government spy and continue to be a Delicate Daisy.  After all, it seems to be what I'm naturally good at. 

The High Line, NYC

One of the best things about June in NYC is that it isn't completely balls ass hot yet.  (Classy right out of the gate, kids!) Last night, I played tourist in my own town and walked the High Line, which is an elevated park along the lower west side of Manhattan. I took a lot of pictures (because I'm on Instagram and I'm somewhat addicted, shut up) and wanted to share! Enjoy!

High Line Architecture

Looking down on traffic under the High Line

Projection on side of building, High Line

Twilight on the High Line

House peeping on the High Line

Perfect sign for the end of the day (42nd Street Subway Station)

My dog doesn't have a problem - WHY DO YOU ASK?

I don't expect the ASPCA to be calling me anytime soon.

Jennifer Eolin "Round-Up" - March 2012

I have so many topics that I want to blog about.  SO MANY.  But so little time.  Zero time.  I'm squeezing this blog post in between many, many, many tasks and panic attacks.  I keep thinking, "Okay, this month life will slow down."  I've been thinking this since about 2002.  And so far, it just keeps getting more hectic and crazy.  I long for how slow time went by as a kid.  I remember January lasted forever.  Now it's gone in ten minutes.  My calendar is full of stuff through June.  HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?  I gotta start being less talented and popular.  (#FirstWorldProblems)

However, I have been able to find my "happy place" to retreat to every so often on the internet.  This spot lets me slow down and think, and I actually end up feeling refreshed.  What site?  Pinterest! (I know. Me and the whole world have claimed it as our happy place.)  It's a great way to file internet pages and ideas which appeals to my OCD impulses.  Feel free to follow me HERE.  I'm there a lot as it helps me think and it's just sooooooooo addictive.  MUST PIN ALL THE THINGS!

Let's see, what else is going on other than odd internet addictions?  I'm moving to a smaller/cheaper apartment next week so I'm going through ALL MY STUFF to figure out what's coming with me, what's going into storage and what's being donated/thrown away.  Who wants to do this for me?  Hmmm?  Volunteers?  

I'm doing stand-up again and that feels GREAT.  You can see me this Friday at the Metropolitan Room in NYC..  HERE is the invite - if you're in town, please come by!  

My dog, Maggie, continues to make my life wonderful.  I miss Matilda greatly, but Maggie has filled in wonderfully. And thankfully, her health is great, her mind is active and her personality is bat shit crazy goofy bonkers.  Just the way I like my dogs.

I'm sorry I'm not blogging more.  I miss my days writing about Project Runway.  I miss having time to sit and write. And I miss you guys!  

Hugs,

Jennifer

Holiday Cards!

It's that time again, folks.  Homemade holiday card season!

I have a whole new line of cards listed on my Etsy site!  

Some people watch football on Thanksgiving,
I design cards.  Cuz I'm a dork.

I will hand make your cards only after you order them.  Isn't that exciting!  Did you just eggnog yourself?  I know I did.  (I'm still a bit of a jerk, despite it being the holidays.  This biddy can't change...)

And if you liked last years line, you can still get those (pre-printed) at my CafePress Store.  (The CafePress store also has all my other designs for mugs, t-shirts, etc. that make great gifts!  Who doesn't want a "Meh" Mug in their stocking, hmmmm?)

Happy Holidays, everyone!

I Am A Bad Blogger

Dear Readers, 

Simply put: Crap.

So awhile back I said I would blog more.  Apparently, this was a complete lie.  (Just like the words "Lean Cuisine" and "Lindsay Lohan successfully completes rehab.")

"Jennifer, what caused this radio silence on your blog lately?" you may be asking. (Face it, you are asking.)  Well a few things caused it.  First of all my dog, Matilda, died in July.  Her decline was fast, but I still had to make the painful decision to take her to the vet and help end her suffering.  I was holding her on my lap when her heart stopped beating.  I swear mine did too.  I could write a lot more about this, but frankly it's quite sad and I'm not ready.  RIP Doodle Bug...

After that, I honestly didn't feel like writing on a regular basis. I didn't want to be behind a computer, I wanted to be in the company of people:  family, friends, dates, sketch group rehearsals, going to shows, etc.  I also adopted a new dog, Maggie, whom I adore.  She is a 4-year-old Chihuahua that I rescued from a local shelter in NYC.  She.  Is.  Amazing.  Full of life, slap happy and snuggly. She also "talks" so I feel like I have a roommate.  No, seriously. We have full conversations.  This morning, we chatted about economic policy followed by why she thinks shadows on the wall are evil.

"Shadows steal souls!"

So really, I plan to write more.  I feel like my mojo is back.  Life is stable again, which is a good thing.  So please stay tuned for stories.  And thank you for waiting!  

So here's YOUR assignment:  Ask questions & give topics you want me to address.  I'm happy to entertain all queries.

Until my next post, which is hopefully SOON, be good and fight the evil empire that is comprised of shadows cast on walls.  Maggie will be so pleased and could use some tips.  (She's really lousy at catching them.  Shortly after the picture above was taken she tried to bite the shadow.  Seriously.  All she ended up doing is bopping her nose on the wall.  She may be a hot mess.)

Hugs & Hoodies,

Jennifer

Online Dating

We've all done it, it's our dirty little secret. Or public secret.  Or just maybe it's just dirty.  Either way, I'm speaking about online dating, aka  The Scurge of our Century.

Online dating seems to be the only way I can meet someone, especially in NYC.  It's weird that in a city of 2984304809484 people living on top of each other (that's what she said) I've met nobody in real life, just cyber life.  Bygones.

Anyway, I believe I will be alone a little bit longer as I received this email today.  There is SO MUCH wrong with it that I barely know where to begin.  Please brace yourself and read:

Coming across your profile i have some feelings in me, Your beautiful smile that happens to come on your face,charming face which all men wants but something special which all men dont see and that is your heart which contain so much that i will love to get to know more about ..i will be glad if you give me the moment to get to know more about you.
Your smile proves so much,you are a woman with a charming smile which shows a longer and future relationship,which a man will pray for that man who knows the worth of a family.Something is special about you and that is your high sence of humor..Hmmmm..you are a God gift.then why dont you be my gift as well..you will wonder how much i know this but remember that eyes is the mirrow of the heart and soul.
Yeah i am far away from you,which i think might be a problem but i think sometimes you meet people near you getting to know them and at the end of the day they break your heart but precisely i really wanted to relocate for my business expansion and for the happiness of a beautiful family which i pray for. I will love to hear from you soon,
Hope to read a reply from you soon.

#1:  No, you will neither hear nor will you read a reply from me soon.

#2:  SPELLING!  Ask God for the gift of spell check!

#3:  I am a God Gift, that is your only correct item in this email.  Well done.

#4:  We won't be having a family together.  Gross.

#5:  Did you go to public school?  If so you owe a lot of tax payers their money back.

Sigh....

So the search continues.  The bar is set pretty low, but unless the next guy calls me a God Gift, I'm not sure we have a future together.

The Robots - Episode 6 - "The Email"

Oh dear my, my little Robots are in a fix.  This episode is based on a true email, read verbatim in the episode.  But to protect the innocent and the ignorant, their names have been changed.  Enjoy - pip pip!

Letters from Jennifer... Beauty Edition!

My latest batch of letters can be seen HERE on The Makeup Blogger's site.  Help support my friend's site and have a laugh at my expense as that truly is the best kind of laugh.

Happy 4th of July weekend!