Project Runway: Season 11, Episode 2

I'm not watching Project Runway, 

but I'mma blog about it.

Guidelines for reading this blog:

* Understand that I CAN NOT SEW. But I can use Febreze. So there's that....

* I have no time to watch the episodes, but I have time to be snarky about the final products that wander down the runway. Which leads us to the next rule...

* I am a comedian. Take nothing I say to heart/seriously. Just laugh, life is happier than way.

* My goal with this blog is to see how being blind to the challenges, judges, contestants, etc., affects my judgments. I'm interested to see if I like things that fans universally hate because they know the back-story and vice versa.

* Anything I DO find out about the show will be through my natural course of life on the interwebs via Twitter and Facebook. But I will not seek anything out or click on any articles. I will merely see headlines and comments. That's all.
* If any of these guildelines give you hives, move along unless you have an EpiPen handy.

* (PS - excuse the formatting of the pictures as Blogger is still a hot mess. Or maybe I am. I'm willing to believe it might be a little of both. But mostly Blogger.)

**********

Oh my............ looking at the runway this week and .............. what................. the...............BALLS?

"No guys. Balls are MY business. Srsly."

(PS - if you're going to Google "balls" make sure to put a qualifier in there. Like "Ball pit." Or something like that. Just a tip. Or just the tip... Ahem...)

Okay, I imagine these are all uniforms for some hip place I've never heard of or been to because of the following reasons:

* I am too old

* I am too unhip

* I like my balls, but I'm not serious enough about my balls

I don't even know how to rank these outfits. They are all odd. Some more so than others. Some more bland than others. Some just sent me into fits of giggles. FITS. 

Okay, let's just start........ and I'm giving the categories new names as this was hard to judge:

"Not Totally Awful, Just Mostly MEH"

I hate elastic waistbands. HATE. Whenever I go on ModCloth.com and do the "Be The Buyer" I am always saying: STOP WITH THE ELASTIC WAIST. STOP IT. It looks.... bunchy. It looks like she....

"...Totally cinched it!"

The collar looks like it has a mind of its own. It overwhelms the outfit completely. Which is good because THAT ELASTIC WAIST. I just can't handle it... Plus the elastic gathering around the arms. Just stop it....

Next....

Is this an uniform for a bouncer at a gay club? I mean, "Balls are my business" printed ON HIS BALLS? And what is that big net about? (Although, I must admit that it seems about the right size for him to  be able to chase and recapture his dignity with...)

I don't get the back of the shirt. Why is there a nude spot? Honestly with that net, it just looks like he missed capturing a really big moth. MAYBE HE SHOULD GET BIGGER MOTH BALLS! HAHHAHAHA! Yes. Childish. I don't care.

"I love rayon!"

Next!

Never in a million years would I think this is a uniform, unless I was in a back alley Victoria's Secret. It looks...... trashy. It looks... cheap. It looks....... dull. But at least her moth hole (wow) is symmetrical.

Onwards....

JAMS ARE NOT NOW OR EVER IN FASHION. I mean, look at the model's arms. I mean face. FACE. His face is saying, "This hurts my feelings." (But his arms are saying, "Let me hold you.")

The shirt is fine but who cares, it's just another tank top. Hanes has been doing that for years.

Jams. I can't get past the arms. I mean jams. JAMS. (ARMS! HUBBA HUBBA!)

Next.

Wait........ this model looks HAPPY. Isn't that an instant disqualification?

Again, this doesn't feel like anything I'd see and think, "This person works here. I should ask her where the bathroom is." Plus the skirt over the leggings just looks prudish, especially with so much skin showing in the top. It feels unbalanced. Like my emotions. (But don't worry about me, that blonde model's arms are my new happy place.........)

And another... meh outfit for the bunch:

Is it me or is this a really boring runway?

This outfit is so boring it hurts. It doesn't look classy. It doesn't look comfortable. Can you imagine having to wear short shorts EVERY DAY? I mean, they made Hooters waitresses wear pantyhose for a reason under those things...

In short (literally), there's nothing wrong with this....... but there's not much great about it.

Then there's this.......

Sure. Slap a name tag on this and it's really nice. But doesn't it look a lot like what the model wore last week? And I liked last week's better for a uniform actually! It looks fun yet professional:

"If I wear this dress each week, I'll win."

Ummmmm........................ one trick pony designer?


TOP CHOICES BASED ON THIS IS WHAT'S LEFT, GUYS:

While I wish the shorts were a little longer, I like this as an option for a uniform. It's modest yet sexy. It's professional, yet sexy. It looks like it's comfortable and functional. So this is my top choice for the women's uniform... and now for the guy's....

This looks like an outfit you go to work in! You can get it dirty! You can move around! This says, "Ask me where the bathroom is cuz I work here," outfit.

I like the boots, I like the pants and the t-shirt with the "balls" (tee hee!) saying on the back. This just seems really stylish and well done. I could see the women wearing the same thing but with a fitted t-shirt.

AND NOW THE....

AW HELL NAW outfit (aka "Auf'd"):

NO. BAD. TERRIBLE.

The black t-shirt goes around his middle like a truss and the suspenders are just WAY too over the top. Plus the words. OH THE WORDS. I get that it's trying to be in your face and edgy, but really, I just want him to keep his balls to himself and go into a different business.

Also, the net on the back just looks like he's in a really wimpy version of the Hunger Games.

"My arrows will find your balls and make them MY business."

Auf Wiedersehen zu Ihren Bällen!

And there we go, week #2 down. Still haven't watched an episode and didn't even see a thing about the show this week. So... how are you enjoying the blind episode reviews? Am I in the ballpark? (HAHHAHAA. I know! I know. I know....................)

Project Runway: Season 11, Episode 1

I'm not watching Project Runway, 

but I'mma blog about it.

Guidelines for reading this blog:

* Understand that I CAN NOT SEW. My version of sewing is ironing clothes. Absorb that.

* I have no time to watch the episodes, but I have time to be snarky about the final products that wander down the runway. Which leads us to the next rule...

* I am a comedian. Take nothing I say to heart/seriously. Just laugh, life is happier than way.

* My goal with this blog is to see how being blind to the challenges, judges, contestants, etc., affects my judgments. I'm interested to see if I like things that fans universally hate because they know the back-story and vice versa.

* Anything I DO find out about the show will be through my natural course of life on the interwebs via Twitter and Facebook. But I will not seek anything out or click on any articles. I will merely see headlines and comments. That's all.
* If any of these guildelines give you hives, move along unless you have an EpiPen handy.

* (PS - excuse the formatting of the pictures as Blogger is still a hot mess. Or maybe I am. I'm willing to believe it might be a little of both. But mostly Blogger.)

*******

Woo hoo! My first Project Runway blog since... well a long time. (Let's not dwell on that. Bygones.) I am going to judge the outfits based on my thoughts and into the usual categories: Safe, Top 2 + Winner and Bottom 2 + Auf'd Outfit. Enough chit-chat! Let's begin!


SAFE:







To me this dress looks like two things got together and had a baby:















AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?

So why is it not in the bottom 2 or auf'd if I hate this "Mullet Dress" trend? I consider this look "safe" because it's not totally offensive (and there was so much BAD in this first round). There seem to be no glaring sewing or construction issues... other than the mullet around her lady bits.

Next....






Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......................................... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Wait, what's going on with the fabric on the shoulder blades? Oh never mind, I lost interest because zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

....I'm awake! What's next?







Oh yay. Another potato sack. Sigh......... NEXT!








I am irrationally mad at that pocket. I LOVE the dress. Really, I do. The dress on its own is GORGEOUS. And if it were JUST the dress, it'd be a top 2 look. But what the hell is up with the "Crossing Guard Needs A Pocket Sash"? WHAT IS THAT? It looks tied on and as though it belongs on a Brownie outfit. PLUS, the pocket is at a horrible angle as NOBODY puts their hand in a pocket that freaking high. And the tab in the back isn't flush with the garment. So sad. It really feels like the designer panicked that their dress wasn't fancy enough and then rushed an accessory which tanks the whole look. I almost put this in the bottom, but so many other outfits made me angry...

Does it get better?







Nope. Sure doesn't.

Love the fabric, hate the fit. WHAT is happening in the back? It looks like it's about to fall right off her (barely there) shoulders. Sigh.........

Last in my "Safe" pile:






The shoes ruin it for me. I like the color, but the tassels are........ odd.

This dress is just "Meh." Sewed well, love the color and fabric, but the mesh stuff just looks like she's afraid of getting mosquito bites in one certain area.

Okay, enough of this! Let's get to the good stuff............

TOP 2:









It's basic, but I like it. Except for the crotch. (Like Kors, it's always the crotch with me. Ahem.) It looks like there's a little excitement in the front and she's happy to see us in the same way that rowing team was happy to see us in the Olympics. (Not that I looked at that picture for very long............ at.................................. all......................mmmmmmmmm.)

                                         
                                                        "Where did we leave our oars?" 

Oops, hi, I'm back. And I showered, so it's all good. Where were we....?

Back to the outfit...... I LOVE the colors, the asymmetry of the shirt, the openings in the front of the pants that high light the shoe. It feels stylish and not over done. The panels on the exposed hip are great. The colors are harmonious. The styling is right on. Has this broken the mold on fashion? No. But, HAPPY FISTS HAVE RETURNED! (And so has the rowing team as my background on my computer....)

Next in my top 2:









The model is solid, styling is solid and I like the corset look in the back. The neckline is great and the fit seems really well tailored to the model's body. Again, nothing has been reinvented here, but it's just a good, solid dress that is styled well.

MY WINNER:







PERFECTION. LOOK AT THAT CROTCH! WHAT A GOOD CROTCH!

First of all, the model is strong and styled completely on target. This outfit really works on her. On me it would look like I tucked a table cloth in my bloomers. But that's okay! This is for the youngin's and on her it is GORGEOUS. (My guess is Heidi wanted to wear this one.)

Okay, now my bottom choices and the auf'd choice. PS, there are more than just a bottom 2....

BOTTOM MANY (why so much bad?):







This design pisses me off. While the fabric is nice and I like how it looks as she walks (according to the picture of her walking away) I CAN NOT GET PAST THE RACE CAR BELT. It looks to me like the designer said, "Ehermergerd! I made a basic dress! I NEED TO LOOK EDGY! Quick! A race flag as a belt!" It doesn't work together with the jungle motif (which is already busy enough).

In short, boring, no sense of style, bad editing and.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Onwards....






What the......... f*ck. How did you make your model look like she has the thickest legs in the world on top of looking like the hottest mess in the world? Oh I see, the skirt is too short, the shoes cut the line of her leg and that weird mid-drift looks like the pieces don't fit (and are too small for her frame) and that TOP KNOT ON HER HEAD?!? What's happening here? Did someone have a stroke? Did someone smell toast and not get the help they needed?

Plus, that mesh on top looks like she walked through a screened door and just kept on walking.


                                        
                               "And then she went on Project Runway and was never seen again."
                                                       (photo credit Cover My World)


Ugh, next....










Great. One walks through a screen door, this one walks through a clothes line from a Dickens novel. Hey lady, THE ORPHANS WANT THEIR CLOTHES BACK!

                                                 
                                          "I'd ask for more but bitch, please, that's ugly..." 


Guh. Next...






I can't even............. She looks like a CHILD. This is an outfit for a CHILD. The styling is childish. (I like the shoes, but too little too late.) While this looks really well done from a sewing standpoint, I can NOT get behind how infantile this outfit seems. Is it that stupid top knot on her head? What is it? I just can't look at this and not feel dirty. Let's just move on and pretend this didn't happen.......

Is there more bad? Oh yes......... there is..........






Q: Why does this model look so sad?

A: BECAUSE SHE IS WEARING A TWO-TONES SHAPELESS SACK.

This dress looks like it's pulling in the front from some bad sewing and ..... and........... boring.

And last before announcing my Auf'd but not least... okay maybe almost least:






No. Stop it. She's like a weird Black and White Cookie. But the lowfat kind that taste like cardboard.

And now...... finally.....................

MY AUF'D LOOK:






NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Bad designer. BAD DESIGNER!

First of all, THE CROTCH. So low.What is she carrying in there? (I don't want to know...)

I also hate jumpsuits. You can't pay me enough to wear one. They always look like, to quote Tim Gunn, "a lot of look."

And finally, BLUE ALLIGATOR? What is that fabric? I think it would look elegant as a dress, but this looks like a pair of pants I got for $19 I got at what my sister called, "The Slut Store" in NYC back in the 90s.


                                         
                                                         "What did you do to Mom?!?!" 

The pants are too long and just fit poorly. It looks horrible. The only thing I like about the back is that the outfit is getting as far away from me as possible. Auf wierdersehen, baby. You're out.

*************

So there she is. A blog written about a show I haven't watched. I know it's all group challenges this season, but that's it. I have no idea who the designers are that are responsible for the good, the bad or the hideously ugly. So please, comment away! Let me know how I did compared to the judges on the show!

(PS - I'll work on my Blogger/Picture skills. Some of the pics, no matter how hard I tried, would not flush to the left. WHY IS IT SO HARD? WHY AM I A LUDDITE? WHY AM I SINGLE? Ooops, inner monologue coming out again.....)

A PROJECT RUNWAY ANNOUNCEMENT...

Full disclosure: Project Runway, I miss you.

When I started blogging about Project Runway 934830294 years ago (it's been on that long, right?) I had a lot of time on my hands. I was a freelance writer (also pronounced "unemployed hysteric") and I had time to watch the show many times, take copious notes, and then take 9 hours to write it. (Told you, LOTS of time on my hands.)

Well, now I WISH I had spare time on my hands. (Don't we all??) But I want to blog even though I don't get to see the show in any sort of timely fashion, if at all. So I'm creating a challenge for myself: "Blog about the runway on Project Runway without knowing anything about the episode other than what I happen to catch on Twitter."

So here are my rules:

* Look at the pics on "Rate the Runway" only

* Write my reviews of each piece in my own special way

* Rate the looks myself with a winner and loser 

* I am not allowed to look anything up. Anything I do learn will be through the natural course of life, aka Twitter.

So... are you in? Or are you out?

THIS is 40. Seriously. It is...

Sigh.......... for the past few years I've been "30-mumble-something-years-old" but now I'm gonna be just 40. No mumbles. No somethings. Just... 40. I have a few months yet, but it's there. (Just like in "When Harry Met Sally," only closer. And less adorable.)

So welcome to my stand-up set, "THIS is 40." It's not like the movie as in I don't have rich people problems. and couldn't relate to ONE thing in that movie. I have broke people problems, which I think more people can relate too. (Poor people let me hear you hollah for a dollah!)

So without further interruption, I give you my latest opus, "THIS is 40" performed at Gotham Comedy Club on January 23, 2013.

And if you doubt any of it.... here's some physical proof my mom dug up last night. Isn't she great? So glad she keeps everything. BUH.

My mom hoards more than just coupons apparently... DAMMIT.

Keep up with all my gigs and come see one if you live in NYC! You can follow me on my personal website www.jennifereolin.com. 

Thank you for the support! (That always sounds like I'm talking to my bra.....)

Happy Holidays from The Tutorialists!

We're back!  New episodes all this week! Please enjoy (and share) the insanity. 

And for some STUPID reason, embedding isn't working on our latest Behind The Scenes episode.  Click HERE to see it! 

I call bullshit!

I went to vote today and there were no "I Voted" stickers being passed out this year. I'm sorry, but I love my badge that brags about my civic duty completion. I don't know, maybe it's the 8-year-old in me (not literally cuz ew) that really likes the sticker.  

My friend (and Tutorialists co-hort, Hannelore Williams) and I had a few things to say about the subject. Enjoy and go to our Facebook page to download your own sticker! 

Rent The Runway!

Last night I had the pleasure of going to Rent The Runway's party for Our Runway (a new section on their website that shows real people in their clothes vs. just models). I APPLAUD THIS. So my sister (who uses RTR a lot for events) and I ordered dresses (free of charge for the event), tarted up and sallied forth into the night. (It should be noted, I've not sallied forth in quite some time.)

This is the dress I ordered and wore, Missoni's "Lost At Sea" dress that rents for $175.

I eat air, but only organic air.

It should be noted, I did not look like this lady in that dress. Not even close. I feel that to wear this dress successfully, you must be a size 0/2 and be in AMAZING shape.  I'm a size 6, in okay shape and should have picked something else. Something without horizontal lines across the widest part of my hips (that aren't that wide but looked it straight on) and something that has some sort of bra/boob support. (Holy Fashion Tape, Tim Gunn!)

Here's what I looked like: 

Guh.

I know, it's not bad! But one of the reasons I don't like this dress on me at all is because ZOMG I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. You see, there isn't a built in bra or any support there. NONE.  ZERO. So my boobs are all "wheeeeeeeeeeee!" and are heading off in their own directions. And not in that sexy "I'm running on the beach" sort of way.  More like in that, "Oh no the crazy lady down the street isn't wearing a bra again today, MY EYES ARE BURNING!" sort of way.  Thankfully, as I mentioned earlier, I had a pound of fashion tape with me. I was wrangled in within an inch of my life. But you can see how uncomfortable I am by the plastic smile on my face.

HOWEVER, that said, I would use Rent the Runway again in a HEARTBEAT. They have a million great dresses and their service is impeccable and easy. First, you pick the dress you want and you can get it in 2 sizes. Brilliant! Then you can even rent jewelry to go with it (although my necklace is from a very nice gentleman on the street last summer). And now that I think about it, I could have bought some of those free standing silicone boob cover thingy-ma-bobs. Yeah, that would have worked.  Bygones...  Anyhoo, when you're done, you put the dresses in a pre-paid envelope and ship it back. SO EASY IT'S STUPID.

So that was my quick detour into fashion. Today I'm back in jeans, boots, a tshirt and a knit military hat. Yeah...... maybe I should stick to pants......

"The Tutorialists" -- See the Worst Nose Job EVER

Yeah................. this: 

And the aftermath...

"The Tutorialists" - Episode 6: How To Steep Tea

Yeah........... sorry feminists.

The aftermath........ aka: Pam's revenge: