It's Bacon Cupcake Time!

Today my friend Lauren and I will attempt

to make a Maple French Toast and Bacon Cupcake:

And hopefully, it will go well.

Otherwise, I will look like this:

Blog to follow!

The DMV and Me

One word + one acronym = The DMV.

*shudder*

The mere mention of the DMV makes my stomach flip in a way that would make Shawn Johnson grow with envy. Perhaps it was that I failed my first driver's test and was so humiliated that I swore (loudly) I'd just embrace public transportation. (I did not embrace it.) Perhaps it was because my mother was a nervous driver. (VERY nervous.) Or perhaps my anxiety stems from watching License to Drive with the Cory's.

"An innocent girl, a harmless drive.

What could possibly go wrong?"

(I'm betting on the Cory's...)

So this past May, not only did I have the (dis)pleasure of turning a year older, but I also had the (extreme dis)pleasure of making a trip to the DMV to renew my license. Thankfully, my visit was uneventful. I paid for a new license, they said I didn't need to take a new picture as the old one would suffice and they issued me a temporary license. Total time inside the DMV... 15 minutes! (I counted!) Ahhhh, DMV BLISS!

I was so happy! UNTIL... The license never came in the mail. (Natch, why would it?) AND, my temp license... EXPIRED!? Wha---? Why does this have an expiration date and why am I noticing this 2 weeks after it expired?! (Gulp...)

"We were able to retrieve your test results from the computer.

And as I suppose you already know, YOU FAILED.

God giveth, and the DMV taketh away.

You mustn't fuck with the Department of Motor Vehicles.

We can make your life a living hell."

So today I called the DMV. After sitting on hold for 22 minutes (I counted!) I talked to "Operator 19." Here's how it went down:

ME: "Hi! I never got my license in the mail after I paid for it in person at the DMV."

#19: "Mmm. Let me look that up for you."

After an exchange of info, time passes...

#19: "Oh, the computer says your picture didn't turn out."

ME: "What do you mean my picture 'didn't turn out'?"

#19: "The picture they took didn't come out."
ME: "They didn't take one."

#19: "No, it just didn't come out."
ME: "NO, THEY DIDN'T TAKE ONE."

#19: "Mmmmm..."

ME: "She said we could just use my current picture."

#19: "No. They needed to take a picture."

ME: (swallowing rage) "Do you know why I wasn't made aware of this fact? Like a letter or something saying, 'Your license was unable to be processed, please return to the DMV' or something like that?"

#19: "Mm-mm."

ME: (swallowing bile) "OKAY! So what do we do from here?"

#19: "Well you need to go to the DMV, but someone has to drive you since you let your temporary license expire."
ME: "LET?! LET??!?? I didn't LET anything expire. I was there 5 days before it expired to take care of this. I AM A RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEING WHO DOESN'T EVEN JAY WALK!!"

#19: "We'll impound your car if you drive it. You don't want that."

ME: (now spewing bile and rage) "But, I didn't do anything wrong!"

#19: "You should have taken a picture!"

RAZZLE-FRAZZLE! BAH!

On a positive note: I'm proud of myself for not throwing my telephone through the wall. (I'm not dumb, that would come out of my security deposit!) Instead, I typed angrily into Google: "DMV, CA." I made an appointment to go to the DMV on WEDNESDAY. You know, in two days. First available appointment. Swell.

So I'm holed up in my apartment like a Branch Davidian, just waiting for the government to give me the okay to re-join the population at large. So until then, I'll live a life outside of my apartment vicariously by playing SimCity 4, (complete with the Rush Hour Expansion Pack)! I know what you're thinking, "Not too bad for a kid without her license, huh?"

And here we go again!

I want to thank you all for the votes in the Social Luxe blog competition. 15th place in my category, which is good considering there were over 100 nominees. WOOO!

Soooooooooo... since you're already well practiced at voting, how 'bout another one? :)

It's the Blogger's Choice Awards! WOOO! Again, up for Best Humor Blog. So please go to the site and vote. I hope this badge takes you right to my page.

Again, thanks so much! :)

If IKEA were hiring artists...

I have always loved art class growing up. My dad is a great painter as was my first roommate in LA, Heather (who is, by the way, one of the very first new old biddies as she couldn't leave her house without her "pock-a-book" which is 'biddy' for 'purse') . It was Heather who got me hooked on trying my hand at painting on canvas which just felt so daunting. (You know, kind of like dating. You want to do it, you psych yourself up to do it, but when you try it, you usually run away screaming and swearing to God that you'll never be that stupid again.)

I used to paint ALL the time in my 20's. But in my 30's I got really busy with work/career, got married, started performing regularly, got divorced and all that really took a lot of time and emotional energy. I stopped painting. I just couldn't focus on it, life was too cluttered with other things. And I missed it every day.

SO yesterday, I decided: TODAY IS THE DAY. So I set up my art studio in my kitchen (since God knows I don't use it to cook--unless making toast is cooking--I may as well be artistic in there).

Yes, that's my 'tea station' amidst all the paints. And yes, my kitchen is pink! WOOO! I'm a single girl in a pink paradise! (That sounds dirty...?)

So here's my first success of yesterday:

I'd painted the one on the left in 2001. I'd sketched out the flower on the right (which seriously, paging Georgia O'Keeffe anyone?) but never got to it. So yesterday, I finally got to it. 8 years later is better than never, right?

Then, jazzed from not totally sucking at this after years and years of inactivity (that's what she said!), I pulled out two canvases and created this series:

They match my bedding, so I'm happy - free art! And in this economy, I couldn't ask for more cuz this biddy is on a budget, yo.

And just for giggles, here are some of my paintings from YEARS ago that I have hanging in my apartment:

Inspired by Van Gogh:

Another series I did that was inspired by using only sponges...

And last, ironically enough, here's the first painting I ever did, and it's still one of my faves of all time:

Don't get me wrong - I know I'm no Picasso or Warhol. I'm just a girl in the valley who has a lot of paint and (currently) a lot of time and a lot of canvases that need to be colorized. I have a really huge canvas that I may tackle next as I'm feeling saucy and confident. Oh, and did I mention that I have a lot of time on my hands??

Project Runway Returns!

Dear Readers,

As some of you know, I heart Project Runway. HEART IT! And before I jumped over to Blogspot, I always blogged about it on my MySpace page. And even though MySpace is an antiquated piece of crap, I will continue to keep my Project Runway blogs there and keep my musings/ramblings of The New Old Biddy here on blogspot.

So if you'd like to check out my newest Project Runway blog w/ a promo Lifetime is airing, run on over to www.myspace.com/jennifereolin and enjoy the carnage.

Making it work!
The New Old Biddy

PS - I'm dubious about Lifetime's handling of the show.

PPS - I am already prepared to hate it, yet love it.

PPPS - I really would like Tim Gunn to be my second husband. Even though he's on the other team. If he could just dress me in the morning I'd be all, "Squeeeeeee!"

PPPPS - Send therapy.

If only it were for adults...

A friend of mine is in Denver right now and she sent me this cuz she knew... I'd want to play on the bacon. Cuz I'm a dork. Who loves me some bacon. Mmmmm, nitrates.

Saturday Notes From Jennifer...

Dear Summer,

Hey. Why must you always arrive in the triple digits? It was so nice this past week. Slightly overcast and cool. Mmmmm. Then today feels like I'm suffocating in Satan's underpants. Not my underpants of choice to be in, Summer. NOT AT ALL!

SPF 900,

Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear National News Media,

Please figure out what is news, and what is not. Here are some examples for you: Iran elections = news. Hours of b-roll showing the exterior of UCLA Hospital while repeating the same 3 facts over and over = not news. California's budget crisis = news. Obama swatting a fly = not news.

Maybe you should sign up at the Learning Annex for some refresher courses?

Just the facts!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Entitled Lady at the Bakery,

Just because you were there before me and my friend, does not mean you get to check out first. You ordered 394839043 things. My friend ordered 2 things. Her items were at the register when you elbowed her to the side to take your "rightful" position. Perhaps, if you made eye contact, you'd have seen that your items were A) not ready to be rung up and B) that there were other people around you. (And that your outfit was dumb looking. Just saying.)

Head on a swivel!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Guy going the wrong way down a one-way street,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOD! SERIOUSLY!?

Asshooooole!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear COBRA Health Insurance,

$304 a month. Bite me. (Which ironically, would then cost me an extra $50 to go to Urgent Care to get stitches.)

Venomously,

Jennifer (Eolin)

Dear Perez Hilton,

HAHAHHHAAA. 'Bout time. Enjoy being a nobody again.

Karma is a bitch!
Jennifer (Eolin)

VOTE FOR THE NEW OLD BIDDY!

HAPPY FISTS!

My lil' ol' blog is nominated for a major award! PLEASE click on the below graphic and scroll down until you find "The New Old Biddy" and then vote ONCE A DAY until July 6th.

Thank you for helping my blog!

*** UPDATE 6/25

WOOOO! Over a 100 votes so far! Thank you! :)

**** UPDATE - 6/24

There are some bugs with this voting website. Some people can see the titles, others, not so much. Some solutions people have told me about are using the Control F function, typing in New Old Biddy and it will find it for you (in the opened Funniest Blog section). Others run the mouse over the titles and they'll show a blurb from the nominated blog.

The leading blog has about 5500 votes. I have 55. Only a few to go to tie! ;)

The journey continues!

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love.

But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer.

To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer.

But suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer,

or suffer from too much happiness.

I hope you're getting this down."

-- Woody Allen

Single life is wonderfully interesting and crazy-ass boring at the same time. It's a series of fabulous highs and serious lows. In short, it's just freakin' different.

I feel guilty for feeling sad that I'm single. I'm not longing to get married (been there, bought the t-shirt) or even live with someone as I'm cool with my pooch, Matilda, as my only roommate. I have no biological clock so I'm not looking for a baby daddy. I just want a partner in life, that's all. And Target doesn't have an aisle for that. Condom aisle, sure. But someone to put in those condoms, not so much.

I've mentioned previously that I joined online dating. I'd like to propose that "online is to dating as Velveeta is to food." It's misleading, it smells like rotten cheese and is ultimately gaaaaa-ross. You would NOT believe the guys who have contacted me. Seriously.

After I weed out the 19-year-olds (who must have Mommy issues) and then weed out the over 50 crowd (because I don't have Daddy issues), I then read the messages from guys my own age. Which averages to about 3 guys out of the 100 messages. And holy tea bags, these guys are ridiculous. Thank GOD I'm a comedian or I'd be guzzling some Draino right about now.

This one guy emails me and starts out by saying: "Just because you have one bad picture, should that stop me from emailing you? No!" Ummmmmm. Dude. Seriously. THAT'S your opening line? IF I had written him back (which is hard not to do because A) it's rude not to, B) I was raised to write back and C) OMG I had so much to say!!) I would have said, "Hi! Thanks for the criticism! Since we're being so open, here's a tip for you: You should wear a shirt. ALWAYS. All of your pics are shirtless. You are not Fabio. But you do resemble a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Smooches!" Asshat.

Then there was a guy who's handle is "Shamwowza" and THANK YOU GOD, he's a cute guy! Finally! He contacted me and here's our (f'ing incredibly odd) exchange:

SHAMWOWZA: (re: your profile) Mind games, no... but board games, yes. Can you play pinochle?

JENNIFER: Nope. Can you absorb 20x your own weight?

SHAMWOWZA: Don't start with the bodyweight games!!! But I will say if you can do it, I can do it!!!

JENNIFER: BTW, your profile is ever so brief. But knowing you were rejected from eharmony is a plus.

SHAMWOWZA: I might start a website for all eHarmony rejects:

for the proud: eHarmonyNOT.com
for the sensitive: eHarmonyHurtMyEgo.com
and for the sensitive but never-get 'em down crowd, we can have:
myrejectionfromeHarmonyhasmademeastrongerperson.com

I have many things I'd like to share with people...certain people...not everyone
so, yes, my profile is ever so brief

the end
and remember
to shamwow

WHAT?!?!??!?!?! THE END?!?! WTF?! If you didn't want to talk to me... WHY DID YOU MESSAGE ME!? (And by the way, I think the product Shamwow is a piece of crap in real life, so I should have known this guy was just also a lot of hype.)

....Sigh....

"I was nauseous and tingly all over.

It was either love or I had smallpox."

--Woody Allen

In the meantime, I'm trying not to become bitter. I hate those people. "I'm broken," is one of the lamest excuses of why one can't love or trust. I never want to say that and mean it. I just have to remember, I'm just heart broken, not an unfeeling asshole. I want to keep trying. I want to not lose hope. I want to love and be loved back. And I will NOT settle. Ever. I have too much suffering to do!

Living on a Budget (or: OMG! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!)

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"

-- John Barrymore

It's been a month and a half since I've joined the world of the unemployed. Because I left my job, I don't get unemployment benefits. (Maybe if I have 8 babies, the government will feel obliged to kick in for something?) I have to say zero income is pretty sobering. (Literally, who can afford to go out to drink when you have no money? ZING!)

As I was writing the above paragraph, I got a call from an agent in NYC who was doing me a favor (meaning, I wasn't signed with him cuz I hadn't gotten any work yet) to see if I could get my humor column syndicated or write for other magazines. "It hasn't been a good response, Jennifer," he said. "So we're going to have to close the book on this." I mustered a quiet, "Thank you for calling to let me know," and then hung up. I wanted to throw up, but I'm against throwing up, so thankfully that (disgustingly messy and stinky) activity was averted. (Plus I can't afford a new keyboard right now. Bonus! I just inadvertently saved money! Which is good since I just paid $609 to COBRA for health insurance. Paging Michael Moore!!)

And in what I'm calling "the best bad news ever" the pilot that I did for Oxygen will BE ON THE AIR! Happy fists! But I don't get paid for it! Pissy fists! The exposure will be great though since it will be national. And my family and friends who aren't in LA will get a chance to see me in action. And mayhaps more people will find my blog through it! I'll keep you posted on when it will air and if there are any future episodes... If I haven't died from starvation by that point. (HA! I kid! I can afford cereal and toast. Mostly. Is tap water a food group?)

I'm still working on my book.... slowly. Naps always seem just a bit more interesting and fruitful. As does rearranging my sock drawer, scrubbing the kitchen counter and cracking my knuckles and then commenting on the timbre of each crack to Matilda. (Who doesn't seem to care, but gives me nose kisses anyways out of pure pity.)

I'm working on my stand-up too... but scanning LOLDogs often seems like a better (and more hilarious) option.

F, kids. This new old biddy is a bit depressed.

The good thing is that I know it will pass. Everything does. That's the benefit of being a 30+1-mumble-something-year-old. Wisdom to know not sweat the small stuff (as best you can). Also, I have good friends and an awesome dog, which are what matter at the end of the day. Writing will get easier, I'll shake off the "disappointments" and find new things to be excited about. Life will go on!

"The only thing money gives you is the freedom to not worry about money."

--Johnny Carson

So until I find a paycheck (or a sugar daddy - takers??), I shall try to find my mojo so I can start writing again. I know that I have the talent to do it. I just need the positive energy. Maybe I'll find it after I take a nap...