I Could Have Been the Next Steve Jobs

I'm grumpy. I'll try to narrow the field of this vast and often felt emotion...

Today's dissatisfaction is due to technology. But to be fair, I've always found technology a touch disappointing. For instance, when I was a kid I thought our family was poor because we had to use a CAR to drive to New Jersey instead of simply 'beaming' ourselves there while a nice Scottish man pushed buttons. I'm not kidding. This was my thought process. And even though none of my other friends had a beaming device, I still thought we should have one. 

I have never publicly announced this but I feel like now is the time to go on record as letting you know that it was actually ME who invented the answering machine. Let me explain...

In the early 80s, a friend and I realized that it would be great to be able to leave a message so you wouldn't have to continually call (aka "stalk" as it's now called) a friend to catch them when they're home. So we drew up a crude drawing of what we thought an answering machine would look like. There was a speaker, volume knob, as well as a group of other buttons that would obviously be what controlled the playback of our new device. We took this diagram and mailed it to the phone book company (as we thought THAT was the heart of the phone industry). We were SURE that we would hear back in just a few days because our idea was just that revolutionary. Also, we included BOTH of our home phone numbers, you know, in case one of us was not home because 5th grade.

Fast forward to 3 months later and I'm in Radio Shack with my parents and OH MY GOD IT'S AN ANSWERING MACHINE. It was right there in front of me. Exactly as we had drawn it. It was even the same color brown as the crayon we used. It was all I could do not to burst into tears and throw blank 8-track tapes at everyone around me. (I should note that it was at that moment that I knew life would be one big screw-over. I was 11.)

This is like EXACTLY what my friend and I drew.
Damn you for stealing my dreams, Pennsylvania Bell!

 

So there you have it. You can (and should) thank me for the answering machine. I'm sure that had my genius been nurtured instead of stolen, I'd have gone on to invent other amazing things like GPS, automatic can openers, and laser discs. YOUR LOSS, WORLD. Your loss.

I had a lot of things to say....

...but then my mind went blank. All the thoughts I had during the day about "wow, that would be really great to write about," are dead. How did they die?

Oh right. "The Voice." (Spoiler: Not the TV show. Although that can be annoying too.)

"Except for me, right, Jennifer? I mean look at me. My tatoo. My vest. Look into my swarthy eyes. Don't resist. And don't forget to watch The Voice,  sometime during the week on television only on Fox. I think."

I had this idea the other day to write about the umbrella that I've had for just about 10 years finally dying. But then a voice in my head said, "Nah, dumb."

I had another idea about reviewing all the new restaurants I've been to in the past few months. "Meh, who cares?"

I had another idea about using photos I find on the web to illustrate what a migraine feels like, "Yeah, yeah, you're a victim. Pffffft."

I had another idea....... no wait.... I stopped having ideas.

So here's my blog. About how I'm stumped about what to write about because I'm getting in my own damn way. So I'm just writing this. So I can say I wrote. I'm not going to copy-edit this or think too hard about it. This just is what it is. A big pile of words. Some of them make sense. Most don't.

And now a photo of a pig in leaves for no good reason other than when I Google "pig in leaves" this is the first photo that shows up. Enjoy.

"Oink oink, my good man!"
(photo credit: www.kimballstock.com)

Daily Burn Reminds Me I'm Lazy

In my 20s I could eat anything I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I never put on a pound. This is not a joke, nor is it bragging (or a medical condition - stop worrying). If you don't believe me, you can ask any of my theatre peeps who watched me on countless nights snarf down large plates of greasy diner bacon followed by voluptuous pieces of chocolate cake damn near the size of my head. And then the next day I'd be be like, 'Hey my pants are too big. Weird!' I know.... I know... I was THAT asshole.

I would like to acknowledge that my head is larger than this photo. Shut up, it is.
(photo credit: purplefoodie.com)

In my 30s I put on 10 pounds in the span of an evening. I went to bed at 29, woke up at 30 and BLAM, all that cake caught up with me. (Mostly in my middle in the form of a muffin top, which I at least found poetic.)

10 years later at 39, I went to bed and woke up at 40 and BLAM... my metabolism was actually sitting on the end of the bed, packed and ready to go. It said to me what all the men I date say, "Peace out, babe. I'm done. There's a 20-something over there with my name on her." (...Insert sad trombone noise here...)

My photo on Tinder after 40.
(Photo credit: sabrinascrossing.blogspot.com)

Now I should clarify -- I am/was by no means fat. I just wasn't in good shape or at all strong. I was just walking foie gras. Soft and tasty! Wait... that's a different blog. Ahem.... cough.

So this past August (age 42) I realized that I gotta get my shit together and work out. I've avoided it long enough. I'd recently seen the ads for DailyBurn and it appealed to me. I hated the gym, I'm (always) on a budget, and I finally have an apartment big enough to do a jumping jack in... I signed up.

The first workout I did with them was part of their "True Beginner" program and it KICKED my ass. KICKED. MY. ASS. I was a wreck after my first workout. My thighs burned. My arms ached. My everything hurt. I hobbled around for a few days afterwards before even daring to do the next workout.

"At least I'm cute so you have something to look at while you cry and throw up."
(Photo Credit: Justin Ruben, True Beginner trainer, DailyBurn.com)

But here I am several months later and I gotta say, I look great:

My profile photo on Our Time.
(photo credit: They most likely don't want to be associated with this inane post...)

I'm much more fit now. I can open jars and my arms have a shape other than "lump." As a result, I've moved on from True Beginner to Cardio Sculpt, so again I'm going through the "OMG, I can't walk," and for none of the "fun" reasons.

I still struggle with the urge to just sit down and watch Hulu/Netflix until bed time when I get home from work. (I mean, Gotham is soooo good this year, right?) But I try to hit DailyBurn at least 2-3 times a week.

I do long for the days of plates of bacon and chocolate cake for dinner. But I guess this is worth it. I should be completely kick-ass by 43. And 44. And 45 + infinity!

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to eat my "gluten free Indian Aloo Mattar wrap" and then do my "Lean Abs" workout. Then I'm going to stretch (aka lie down) and reflect (aka cry) while my dog smothers me with love (aka judgement).

It's funny, cuz it's true.

Things I Will Not Apologize For....

Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything, 

You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets.

Henry A. Kissinger

Recently writer Washington Post blog author, Alexandra Petri, wrote an article titled, Famous Quotes, the Way A Woman Would Have to Say Them in a Meeting. (Read it, I'll wait...)

While hilarious, this article is also incredibly sad due to its spot on accuracy: Women apologize. For everything. All the time. (I'm sorry, was that too harsh? I totally mean that some women apologize, certainly not you ever. Only some! The weak few, of which you are not! You are amazing and I'm a big stupid nothing! I'm so sorry for breathing your air!!)

I've decided in the spirit of Petri's article to blog a list of things I absolutely have apologized for in the past. As of now, no apologies. Not now or ever. You can't make me. RAWR.

I will not apologize for....

• ...wanting to be in a relationship. 
• ...taking copious pictures of my dog in the same exact position every day. (#MaggieAndLady on Instagram, people!)
• ...speaking confidently. 
• ...having opinions.
• ...having an autoimmune disease. 
• ...not believing in God. 
• ...supporting and using Planned Parenthood.
• ...not knowing something that isn't in my area of expertise.
• ...aging.
• ...not digging Halloween.
• ...listening to copious amounts of Pitbull.
• ...the amount of bacon I eat.
• ...the bevy of emotions that live inside of me.
• ...not wanting kids of my own.

My dad always said to live without regrets, but don't be an asshole about it. (Well, not exactly that, but that was the gist.) So here's to keeping apologies limited to situations that actually deserve them. 

Okay, until my next blog.... Rock on! (Oh, I won't apologize for using that phrase either... also, I love saying "Groovy." #Sorry/NotSorry)

Quick post....

Ugh. Tonight writing holds no interest for me but I promised to write daily. (I wish I was the kind of person who can't keep a promise....)

I will make this easy on myself. Here is a list of expressions my dog makes:

1. The same one. A lot.

The end.

Stand Clear of the Closing Doors

"If I ever have to stop taking the subway,
I'm gonna have a heart attack."
-- Edward Norton

I get it, Ed. Me too. I actually adore the subway. Let me explain....

I lived in LA for 15 years and I spent about 14 1/2 years of that trapped on the 405. (I am pretty sure I spent the entirety of my early 30s year trying to get onto the 10 and failing to be let in even though I used my blinker and a bevy of hand signals. If memory serves, I was finally able to make a u-turn on La Tijera Blvd somewhere around my 36th birthday.) Needless to say, listening to a Mariachi band while riding in a subway car that smells like fresh poo is actually not too bad in comparison.

I have to admit that my favorite part of the subway ride isn't that I can get to midtown in 20 minutes or that I can buy a monthly pass for less than a car payment. My favorite part of my commute is the temperament of the MTA employee who is in charge of the announcements. Often, the announcements are fairly benign, mumbled and usually without enthusiasm. However, this morning was chock full of excitement and I was pumped.

To set the stage you need to know that the train was delayed. So at 8am, the platform was filled to the rim with more assholes than usual. The train arrives and it's already full. FACT: This capacity issue doesn't mean that one should wait for the next train. It actually means, "Shove and push and mutter 'Jesus Christ!' under your breath in the most irritated stage whisper you can muster then glower at anybody who makes eye contact."  (I've heard that many New Yorkers actually list this talent as a marketable skill on Linked In.) 

I was able to squeeze into a small space while the MTA employee reminded us, "Make sure to let the customers OFF the train before you enter the train. Stand clear of the closing doors." The train doors banged shut (BING BONG), then sputtered open (BING BONG). The shut (BING BONG), then open (BING BONG). Then we heard: "STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS! PULL YOUR BAG IN! IN THE FRONT!" (BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BONG)

With each stop, the train became more and more full of indignant assholes. The MTA worker was going mental: "PEOPLE OF NEW YORK! LET. THE CUSTOMERS. OFF. THE. TRAIN. BEFORE. YOU. GET ON. There is another train right behind this one! WAIT FOR IT. It will show up! I promise! Stand clear of the closing doors!" BING BONG - BING BONG. "PULL YOUR BAG IN! DOWN IN FRONT! STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS!!!! THERE IS A TRAIN RIGHT BEHIND THIS ONE YOU STUPID FUCKERS!" (He didn't say 'you stupid fuckers' but it sure was implied....) 

I'd like to say that this is the first time I've heard a MTA suffer from a complete mental break. But it's not. 

And while I feel badly for the MTA worker, I secretly enjoy the drama as it unfolds. Plus the yelling scares away the Mariachi band...... 

Let's try this again...

Let's try this again. And by "this" I mean "writing." 

I just haven't made the time to write in recent years. That's right, it's my fault. I can't say that I don't have time because I have found time to do other things like post ridiculous status updates on Facebook, take copious amounts of photos of my dog in the same exact position with the same exact look on her face, and to iron my hoodies. (Okay, that last one is a joke. I don't iron.)

I recently read (actually, listened to) Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. This book made me cry. It was an amazing cry. It was the cry that finally let out a bucket load of pent up fear, self judgement, and creative stagnation. 

Since I left the entertainment industry I've become scared of writing as in my mind it went from being a vocation to being a hobby. I simply didn't know how to handle the transition. For some reason, for me, the word "hobby" felt... small. Unimportant. Like I'm suddenly that weird uncle who "tinkers" instead of a strong woman who creates. Why was this transition so paralyzing? Why was I even labeling it a "transition"? I don't have answers to that. All I know is that I suddenly became very afraid of people judging me for not being a "real" writer and for some reason, this really mattered to me. 

Back to Elizabeth's book....

Hearing her describe the fear she went through as a writer was like an old friend wrapping a blanket around my shoulders and offering me a cup of tea. It was comfort in the form of support. I was able to digest that I'm not alone, nobody is judging me except me, and my fears are of my own doing. What a great revelation... and right on time.

So here's my plan: It's NaMoWriMo coming up and I'm going to use this to jumpstart my journey back into being an active writer. My plan, to simply write daily in this blog. That's all. No word limits. No big goals other that, "Put words here and hit 'publish.'" To help myself succeed, I'm going to use my favorite habit tracking app (perfctday) so I can watch my writing streak increase with each passing day. (Also, I love metrics... I'm sure I'll blog about that at some point.) I will also post my ramblings on social media so you can follow the journey.

So here it is. First day of writing = done. And it didn't hurt! Much.

*****

PS - I should note that I understand that this whole "fear of writing" post is a first world problem to the gazillionth degree. I'm grateful that this is my biggest fear.

GAH!

I'm falling behind on my Project Runway blogs ALREADY. I'm so sorry!

Will post soon........... when I have a hot minute.

xo

Project Runway: Season 11, Episode 2

I'm not watching Project Runway, 

but I'mma blog about it.

Guidelines for reading this blog:

* Understand that I CAN NOT SEW. But I can use Febreze. So there's that....

* I have no time to watch the episodes, but I have time to be snarky about the final products that wander down the runway. Which leads us to the next rule...

* I am a comedian. Take nothing I say to heart/seriously. Just laugh, life is happier than way.

* My goal with this blog is to see how being blind to the challenges, judges, contestants, etc., affects my judgments. I'm interested to see if I like things that fans universally hate because they know the back-story and vice versa.

* Anything I DO find out about the show will be through my natural course of life on the interwebs via Twitter and Facebook. But I will not seek anything out or click on any articles. I will merely see headlines and comments. That's all.
* If any of these guildelines give you hives, move along unless you have an EpiPen handy.

* (PS - excuse the formatting of the pictures as Blogger is still a hot mess. Or maybe I am. I'm willing to believe it might be a little of both. But mostly Blogger.)

**********

Oh my............ looking at the runway this week and .............. what................. the...............BALLS?

"No guys. Balls are MY business. Srsly."

(PS - if you're going to Google "balls" make sure to put a qualifier in there. Like "Ball pit." Or something like that. Just a tip. Or just the tip... Ahem...)

Okay, I imagine these are all uniforms for some hip place I've never heard of or been to because of the following reasons:

* I am too old

* I am too unhip

* I like my balls, but I'm not serious enough about my balls

I don't even know how to rank these outfits. They are all odd. Some more so than others. Some more bland than others. Some just sent me into fits of giggles. FITS. 

Okay, let's just start........ and I'm giving the categories new names as this was hard to judge:

"Not Totally Awful, Just Mostly MEH"

I hate elastic waistbands. HATE. Whenever I go on ModCloth.com and do the "Be The Buyer" I am always saying: STOP WITH THE ELASTIC WAIST. STOP IT. It looks.... bunchy. It looks like she....

"...Totally cinched it!"

The collar looks like it has a mind of its own. It overwhelms the outfit completely. Which is good because THAT ELASTIC WAIST. I just can't handle it... Plus the elastic gathering around the arms. Just stop it....

Next....

Is this an uniform for a bouncer at a gay club? I mean, "Balls are my business" printed ON HIS BALLS? And what is that big net about? (Although, I must admit that it seems about the right size for him to  be able to chase and recapture his dignity with...)

I don't get the back of the shirt. Why is there a nude spot? Honestly with that net, it just looks like he missed capturing a really big moth. MAYBE HE SHOULD GET BIGGER MOTH BALLS! HAHHAHAHA! Yes. Childish. I don't care.

"I love rayon!"

Next!

Never in a million years would I think this is a uniform, unless I was in a back alley Victoria's Secret. It looks...... trashy. It looks... cheap. It looks....... dull. But at least her moth hole (wow) is symmetrical.

Onwards....

JAMS ARE NOT NOW OR EVER IN FASHION. I mean, look at the model's arms. I mean face. FACE. His face is saying, "This hurts my feelings." (But his arms are saying, "Let me hold you.")

The shirt is fine but who cares, it's just another tank top. Hanes has been doing that for years.

Jams. I can't get past the arms. I mean jams. JAMS. (ARMS! HUBBA HUBBA!)

Next.

Wait........ this model looks HAPPY. Isn't that an instant disqualification?

Again, this doesn't feel like anything I'd see and think, "This person works here. I should ask her where the bathroom is." Plus the skirt over the leggings just looks prudish, especially with so much skin showing in the top. It feels unbalanced. Like my emotions. (But don't worry about me, that blonde model's arms are my new happy place.........)

And another... meh outfit for the bunch:

Is it me or is this a really boring runway?

This outfit is so boring it hurts. It doesn't look classy. It doesn't look comfortable. Can you imagine having to wear short shorts EVERY DAY? I mean, they made Hooters waitresses wear pantyhose for a reason under those things...

In short (literally), there's nothing wrong with this....... but there's not much great about it.

Then there's this.......

Sure. Slap a name tag on this and it's really nice. But doesn't it look a lot like what the model wore last week? And I liked last week's better for a uniform actually! It looks fun yet professional:

"If I wear this dress each week, I'll win."

Ummmmm........................ one trick pony designer?


TOP CHOICES BASED ON THIS IS WHAT'S LEFT, GUYS:

While I wish the shorts were a little longer, I like this as an option for a uniform. It's modest yet sexy. It's professional, yet sexy. It looks like it's comfortable and functional. So this is my top choice for the women's uniform... and now for the guy's....

This looks like an outfit you go to work in! You can get it dirty! You can move around! This says, "Ask me where the bathroom is cuz I work here," outfit.

I like the boots, I like the pants and the t-shirt with the "balls" (tee hee!) saying on the back. This just seems really stylish and well done. I could see the women wearing the same thing but with a fitted t-shirt.

AND NOW THE....

AW HELL NAW outfit (aka "Auf'd"):

NO. BAD. TERRIBLE.

The black t-shirt goes around his middle like a truss and the suspenders are just WAY too over the top. Plus the words. OH THE WORDS. I get that it's trying to be in your face and edgy, but really, I just want him to keep his balls to himself and go into a different business.

Also, the net on the back just looks like he's in a really wimpy version of the Hunger Games.

"My arrows will find your balls and make them MY business."

Auf Wiedersehen zu Ihren Bällen!

And there we go, week #2 down. Still haven't watched an episode and didn't even see a thing about the show this week. So... how are you enjoying the blind episode reviews? Am I in the ballpark? (HAHHAHAA. I know! I know. I know....................)

Project Runway: Season 11, Episode 1

I'm not watching Project Runway, 

but I'mma blog about it.

Guidelines for reading this blog:

* Understand that I CAN NOT SEW. My version of sewing is ironing clothes. Absorb that.

* I have no time to watch the episodes, but I have time to be snarky about the final products that wander down the runway. Which leads us to the next rule...

* I am a comedian. Take nothing I say to heart/seriously. Just laugh, life is happier than way.

* My goal with this blog is to see how being blind to the challenges, judges, contestants, etc., affects my judgments. I'm interested to see if I like things that fans universally hate because they know the back-story and vice versa.

* Anything I DO find out about the show will be through my natural course of life on the interwebs via Twitter and Facebook. But I will not seek anything out or click on any articles. I will merely see headlines and comments. That's all.
* If any of these guildelines give you hives, move along unless you have an EpiPen handy.

* (PS - excuse the formatting of the pictures as Blogger is still a hot mess. Or maybe I am. I'm willing to believe it might be a little of both. But mostly Blogger.)

*******

Woo hoo! My first Project Runway blog since... well a long time. (Let's not dwell on that. Bygones.) I am going to judge the outfits based on my thoughts and into the usual categories: Safe, Top 2 + Winner and Bottom 2 + Auf'd Outfit. Enough chit-chat! Let's begin!


SAFE:







To me this dress looks like two things got together and had a baby:















AM I RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?

So why is it not in the bottom 2 or auf'd if I hate this "Mullet Dress" trend? I consider this look "safe" because it's not totally offensive (and there was so much BAD in this first round). There seem to be no glaring sewing or construction issues... other than the mullet around her lady bits.

Next....






Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......................................... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Wait, what's going on with the fabric on the shoulder blades? Oh never mind, I lost interest because zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

....I'm awake! What's next?







Oh yay. Another potato sack. Sigh......... NEXT!








I am irrationally mad at that pocket. I LOVE the dress. Really, I do. The dress on its own is GORGEOUS. And if it were JUST the dress, it'd be a top 2 look. But what the hell is up with the "Crossing Guard Needs A Pocket Sash"? WHAT IS THAT? It looks tied on and as though it belongs on a Brownie outfit. PLUS, the pocket is at a horrible angle as NOBODY puts their hand in a pocket that freaking high. And the tab in the back isn't flush with the garment. So sad. It really feels like the designer panicked that their dress wasn't fancy enough and then rushed an accessory which tanks the whole look. I almost put this in the bottom, but so many other outfits made me angry...

Does it get better?







Nope. Sure doesn't.

Love the fabric, hate the fit. WHAT is happening in the back? It looks like it's about to fall right off her (barely there) shoulders. Sigh.........

Last in my "Safe" pile:






The shoes ruin it for me. I like the color, but the tassels are........ odd.

This dress is just "Meh." Sewed well, love the color and fabric, but the mesh stuff just looks like she's afraid of getting mosquito bites in one certain area.

Okay, enough of this! Let's get to the good stuff............

TOP 2:









It's basic, but I like it. Except for the crotch. (Like Kors, it's always the crotch with me. Ahem.) It looks like there's a little excitement in the front and she's happy to see us in the same way that rowing team was happy to see us in the Olympics. (Not that I looked at that picture for very long............ at.................................. all......................mmmmmmmmm.)

                                         
                                                        "Where did we leave our oars?" 

Oops, hi, I'm back. And I showered, so it's all good. Where were we....?

Back to the outfit...... I LOVE the colors, the asymmetry of the shirt, the openings in the front of the pants that high light the shoe. It feels stylish and not over done. The panels on the exposed hip are great. The colors are harmonious. The styling is right on. Has this broken the mold on fashion? No. But, HAPPY FISTS HAVE RETURNED! (And so has the rowing team as my background on my computer....)

Next in my top 2:









The model is solid, styling is solid and I like the corset look in the back. The neckline is great and the fit seems really well tailored to the model's body. Again, nothing has been reinvented here, but it's just a good, solid dress that is styled well.

MY WINNER:







PERFECTION. LOOK AT THAT CROTCH! WHAT A GOOD CROTCH!

First of all, the model is strong and styled completely on target. This outfit really works on her. On me it would look like I tucked a table cloth in my bloomers. But that's okay! This is for the youngin's and on her it is GORGEOUS. (My guess is Heidi wanted to wear this one.)

Okay, now my bottom choices and the auf'd choice. PS, there are more than just a bottom 2....

BOTTOM MANY (why so much bad?):







This design pisses me off. While the fabric is nice and I like how it looks as she walks (according to the picture of her walking away) I CAN NOT GET PAST THE RACE CAR BELT. It looks to me like the designer said, "Ehermergerd! I made a basic dress! I NEED TO LOOK EDGY! Quick! A race flag as a belt!" It doesn't work together with the jungle motif (which is already busy enough).

In short, boring, no sense of style, bad editing and.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Onwards....






What the......... f*ck. How did you make your model look like she has the thickest legs in the world on top of looking like the hottest mess in the world? Oh I see, the skirt is too short, the shoes cut the line of her leg and that weird mid-drift looks like the pieces don't fit (and are too small for her frame) and that TOP KNOT ON HER HEAD?!? What's happening here? Did someone have a stroke? Did someone smell toast and not get the help they needed?

Plus, that mesh on top looks like she walked through a screened door and just kept on walking.


                                        
                               "And then she went on Project Runway and was never seen again."
                                                       (photo credit Cover My World)


Ugh, next....










Great. One walks through a screen door, this one walks through a clothes line from a Dickens novel. Hey lady, THE ORPHANS WANT THEIR CLOTHES BACK!

                                                 
                                          "I'd ask for more but bitch, please, that's ugly..." 


Guh. Next...






I can't even............. She looks like a CHILD. This is an outfit for a CHILD. The styling is childish. (I like the shoes, but too little too late.) While this looks really well done from a sewing standpoint, I can NOT get behind how infantile this outfit seems. Is it that stupid top knot on her head? What is it? I just can't look at this and not feel dirty. Let's just move on and pretend this didn't happen.......

Is there more bad? Oh yes......... there is..........






Q: Why does this model look so sad?

A: BECAUSE SHE IS WEARING A TWO-TONES SHAPELESS SACK.

This dress looks like it's pulling in the front from some bad sewing and ..... and........... boring.

And last before announcing my Auf'd but not least... okay maybe almost least:






No. Stop it. She's like a weird Black and White Cookie. But the lowfat kind that taste like cardboard.

And now...... finally.....................

MY AUF'D LOOK:






NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Bad designer. BAD DESIGNER!

First of all, THE CROTCH. So low.What is she carrying in there? (I don't want to know...)

I also hate jumpsuits. You can't pay me enough to wear one. They always look like, to quote Tim Gunn, "a lot of look."

And finally, BLUE ALLIGATOR? What is that fabric? I think it would look elegant as a dress, but this looks like a pair of pants I got for $19 I got at what my sister called, "The Slut Store" in NYC back in the 90s.


                                         
                                                         "What did you do to Mom?!?!" 

The pants are too long and just fit poorly. It looks horrible. The only thing I like about the back is that the outfit is getting as far away from me as possible. Auf wierdersehen, baby. You're out.

*************

So there she is. A blog written about a show I haven't watched. I know it's all group challenges this season, but that's it. I have no idea who the designers are that are responsible for the good, the bad or the hideously ugly. So please, comment away! Let me know how I did compared to the judges on the show!

(PS - I'll work on my Blogger/Picture skills. Some of the pics, no matter how hard I tried, would not flush to the left. WHY IS IT SO HARD? WHY AM I A LUDDITE? WHY AM I SINGLE? Ooops, inner monologue coming out again.....)