Letters From Jennifer...

September 15, 2009

After dinner...

Dear Unemployment,

Hello! I'd ask how you are, but since you've been couch crashing at my place for the past 4 1/2 months, I know exactly how you are. (And you need a shower.) Simply put, Unemployment: You've overstayed your welcome.

Granted, like a nerd on prom night, I couldn't wait to get my hands on you last May. You with your enticements of "free time," "sleeping in" and "shopping at Target while its empty instead of the weekend when every idiot takes their entire family out to buy a box of Band-Aids." You got me like the Fox News gets middle America. Hook. Line. Sinker.

But now, unemployment, I find you... annoying. Oh sure, my dog Matilda LOVES you, but don't let that fool you. She also loves my not-so-good-friend, Migraine, as well because Migraine likes to keep me on the couch for days at a time, which for Matilda means 'round the clock snuggles. (I know, my dog is co-dependent, that's a separate letter, Unemployment. This letter is about YOU.)

Anyhoo... I'd like to suggest that you move along from here. Get out. Pack your bags. Find some other sap who finds your "free time" alluring. Oh and you can shove it where the unemployment check don't shine. Just for funsies.

Will work for dignity,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - If you could at least wash the dishes in the sink, I'd let you stay.

****

Dear Guy at Subway,

Oh my stars, aren't you a prize? Who am I, you ask? I was the girl in the yogurt shop watching your incredible disregard for all other human beings around you.

First of all, I'd like to commend you on your outfit. Orange flowered shorts and a blue t-shirt with slippers. Dude. You either have major balls or no brain. (Either way, you probably need a trip to the doctor.)

Second, I loved the way you bussed your own table. The COMPLETE disregard you had for a person's food left on the table at the time was just... amazingly douchey. I loved the way you just shoved the cup filled with soda du jour off the table with your LA Times, thus spilling said drink all over the sidewalk and the pant cuffs of 3 LARGE males sitting next to you. THAT. WAS. AWESOME.

Third, I loved the way you told them it wasn't your fault as though you did nothing outside the norm. Sir, I assert you should be on Cheaters. You totally reminded me of a typical scene at the end of the show where Joey Grecco busts in on the cheating guy having (crazy) sex with his date and then claims to not know her and then yells at his girlfriend, "Why are you following me, bitch?!" Yeah. You're definitely that guy. (Oh wait, you have to be able to date. Awww, sorry, nerdlet. Moving on...)

Fourth, you ordered a LETTUCE SANDWICH. Swear on a stack of Olay Regenerist products, it was a LETTUCE SANDWICH. And you ate it with a ferociousness I can't explain...

Do us all a favor and get a clue? Kthanksbye.

I eat protein!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - The way you hit on that woman who walked by was pretty awesome. Yelling at her. Nice touch. So romantic. And the flapping arm. Really hot.

PPS - My friend and I walked by and did not receive the same response as the (not as pretty) woman did. WTF?! Asshat. We are quality females. But then again, you like lettuce sandwiches...

PP PS - Please don't procreate.

****

Dear Skinny Jeans,

OHMIGODILOVEYOU! Thank you for waiting for me to come back to you. And thank you for not calling me fat. I was just more body than you could handle at the time, right?

Svelte,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I ate muffin mix with a spoon tonight.

PPS - Please still fit tomorrow.

PP PS - I'm not kidding.

PP PPS - I'm sorta fragile and I'm against vomiting.

PP PPPS - WHAH!

****

Dear French Music,

I can't get enough of you. I listen to you all the time. All day long even. Edith Piaf is my fave. As is Charles Trenet. I can listen to "Milord" and "Boum" a million times a day. (Seriously. A million. This is not hyperbole.)

However, I have NO idea what any of you are saying. And I am VERY worried that I look like this bopping around my apartment: NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK!!!!! USE HEADPHONES!

Sigh. Oui?

I like cheese!
Jennifer (Eolin)

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 4!

I got up early and blogged. Somebody get me a paying job, somebody? Anybody?

Enjoy!

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 4 - "Logan's Run&qu... - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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Project Runway Extras! - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

Just a real quick blog, folks. Tim talks about that HORRIBLE dress and I've become a victim of "mistaken identity" in the PR blogosphere... Enjoy!

Project Runway Extras! - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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International Bacon Day!

Even though I'm a complete Luddite and can barely figure out how to set up my TiVo without taking up roughly 5 hours of their tech department's time, I have managed to figure out Twitter (it only took a few months!) and thanks to this social networking site, I found my second husband!

Ahem, I mean, The Royal Bacon Society.

Swoooon! It's a whole society based on BACON!

Happy fists!! Now if only they put this logo on a bib.

I'd so buy one. Or two... Or twelve.

For those of you who didn't know, this past Saturday, September 5th, was International Bacon Day (or what I've excitedly nicknamed "Second Christmas") and the Royal Bacon Society (located in Santa Barbara, CA) knew that this fabulous occasion needed to be celebrated.

Ergo, they bestowed upon us BACON '09!

Fellow heart attack patients, aka: "Bacon-istas."

Another piece of bacon?

Why, yes I can!

After scoring an invite/+1 (that's right - INVITE ONLY!) my friend, Lauren,

(who helped with Bacon Cupcake Day!) and I ventured out of LA

and made the trip up North. A whole 86 miles. We're bacon pioneers!

Me at the gates of heaven! I mean Bacon '09.

Upon entering, we had to label ourselves.

Which being an avid P-Touch fan, made me very happy

as I enjoy order with my pork products.

Anybody who has eaten with me in a restaurant

knows that my true answer is:

"Crispy, but not burnt."

Not RAW.

Not BURNT.

CRISPY!

(I'm fussy.)

For $10, we had unlimited access to the bacon spread!

NOM NOM NOM!

Where to start?!

(Head exploding fists!)

I'm so dainty whilst eating bacon...

ON my plate:

First up, Bacon Squares!

Bacon Squares = very good.

Basically cheesy bread with bacon on top.

How can you miss?

Next... bacon caramels?

OMG! The Bacon Caramels were DIVINE!

SINFULLY DIVINE!

I ate a billion of these.

Let's keep eating dessert...

I love the combo of bacon and chocolate together,

so they were heavenly.

Even if the bacon was chewy.

I'll let it slide. THIS TIME.

Another cookie...

The Breakfast Cookie had a lot of potential.

It had oats in it really tasted like cereal (in a good way).

Tasty, but the other cookie was better.

It had chocolate. 'Nuff said.

Next - goat cheese and bacon.

A marriage made in PorkyPig Heaven.

Can I date this dish? Seriously? Can I?

Is that weird? Sigh...

Then on the end of the table, Elvis Bars...

ELVIS BARS.

SWEET JEEBUS.

This was my FAVORITE dish of the day.

I ate about a bazillion of these.

(Note to self: Buy larger pants... update HMO...)

I talked to the guy who made them and

he said that it was a Barefoot Contessa recipe for Peanut Butter & Jelly Bars

but instead of peanuts, he used bacon.

(PS - HE IS THE SMARTEST MAN EVER.)

Next up, tater tots wrapped in bacon!

Anything is good wrapped in bacon.

(That's what she said!)

There was a tasty quiche...

...And a chocolate fountain for bacon dipping.

There was also fruit.

I have no idea what that was all about.

Fruit.

How cute.

There were also a lot of "bacon flavored" candy products.

So naturally, we had to try them!

Even if they sounded scary.

For instance: Bacon... mints?

"I'm the Mikey of Bacon!

I'll eat anything!"

Tasting... thinking...

"BOOO!"

It had a kicky (horrible) aftertaste that I'm still trying to wash away.

Lauren tried a Bacon Jellybean... we didn't document this tasting,

but we did document her rating on the tasting menu:

I think that says it all...

Next up, Bacon Gumballs!

"I love trying new things!"

"I DON'T WANT TO TRY NEW THINGS ANYMORE!

MAKE IT STOP!"

"Can I mark 'death' on my menu twice?"

EPIC BOOOO!

Now, there were also BACON DRINKS.

So naturally we had to try those too.

(Because we obviously hadn't learned from the candy debacle...
Thank God we're cute...)

First up... A Bacon Bloody Mary.

And the verdict...

"Meh."

Really spicy and just odd.

Not a fave, but I applaud the effort!

Next... BACON SHOTS.

Oh yes...

You read that correctly.

"Line 'em up!"

"Okay, we'll just take two..."

Oh yeah... Awesome town is just a sip away.

Lauren: "Are we really doing this?"

Jennifer: "Of course! We didn't drive 86 miles to punk out now."

Lauren: "SWEET NIBLETS!"

Jennifer: "I WANT TO DIE, but daintily..."

Lauren: "We're idiots, aren't we?"

Jennifer: "Yes. Yes we are."

In case you can't tell (because you're blind) the Bacon Shot was BRUTAL.

It was made with a home-made bacon infused vodka

(which I don't think turned out so well) and we're both light-weight drinkers.

(Lauren's nickname for me is Weak Knees Applesauce. Don't ask...)

So I'd be interested to see how it would taste with Bakon Vokda.

But I may need to take some time to heal before venturing out on the bacon drinks again...

HOWEVER!

Despite the candy/drinks, we had a great time!

We concluded the event by losing the raffle.

But we look cute with our tickets:

"The tickets don't taste like bacon. Trust me."

Raffle prizes (that we didn't win)...

So that was Bacon '09!

I hope you enjoyed it. We did and can't wait to go back next year!

VIVA LA BACON!

WARNING:

The following images are not for the faint of heart.

It's the amount of grease accumulated making the Bacon '09 treats.

I'm not kidding.

Turn back now.

Seriously.

That is NOT a bacon candle.

(OH MAN I WISH!)

That is a VAT OF FAT.

GACK!

Sometimes... ignorance is bliss.

Regardless...

See you next year!!

New stand-up!

I keep venturing into the land of stand-up... and here's my latest adventure. Enjoy!

Stand-up @ CSZ - 7/17/09

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 3 - "Point Break"

Episode 3 is up! YAY for Project Runway!

Have a safe and happy 3 day weekend. I'm heading out to Santa Barbara tomorrow for International Bacon Day. And yes, there will be a blog. Happy fists! :)

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 3 - "Point Break" - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 2 - "Baby Talk"

It's up! Episode 2 of Project Runway!

Carry on!

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 2 - "Baby Talk" - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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Project Runway All-Stars Round-Up! - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

PHEW! This one took forever, but it's done! The Project Runway All-Star Challenge Round-Up is up on MySpace - I assert that you enjoy this! Carry on.

Project Runway All-Stars Round-Up! - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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Project Runway - Episode 1 - "I'm in LA, Trick!"

PHEW! The first of many Project Runway blogs is up and running over where it began years ago on MySpace. (Yes, MySpace still exists.)

Please head on over and enjoy!

Jennifer Eolin's MySpace

Project Runway Eve!

My heart is all a flutter! My beloved second-husband-to-be, Tim Gunn, returns to Project Runway tomorrow night! (Okay, I know there's no chance in hell that he'd be my second husband, but I like to dream because it's free and I'm on a budget both financially and emotionally, k?)

I will be blogging about Project Runway like I have been for the past seasons. HOWEVER. I will be doing it on my MySpace page as Blogger just doesn't have a great photo layout option, which would make the posts here incredibly long. BUT, I will be posting links here so you can click on over. I know it's confusing, but hey, that's entertainment. Gotta keep you dazzled.

MAKE

IT

WORK!