New stand-up!

I keep venturing into the land of stand-up... and here's my latest adventure. Enjoy!

Stand-up @ CSZ - 7/17/09

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 3 - "Point Break"

Episode 3 is up! YAY for Project Runway!

Have a safe and happy 3 day weekend. I'm heading out to Santa Barbara tomorrow for International Bacon Day. And yes, there will be a blog. Happy fists! :)

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 3 - "Point Break" - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 2 - "Baby Talk"

It's up! Episode 2 of Project Runway!

Carry on!

Project Runway Round-Up - Episode 2 - "Baby Talk" - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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Project Runway All-Stars Round-Up! - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

PHEW! This one took forever, but it's done! The Project Runway All-Star Challenge Round-Up is up on MySpace - I assert that you enjoy this! Carry on.

Project Runway All-Stars Round-Up! - Jennifer (Eolin)'s MySpace Blog | Letters from Jennifer...

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Project Runway - Episode 1 - "I'm in LA, Trick!"

PHEW! The first of many Project Runway blogs is up and running over where it began years ago on MySpace. (Yes, MySpace still exists.)

Please head on over and enjoy!

Jennifer Eolin's MySpace

Project Runway Eve!

My heart is all a flutter! My beloved second-husband-to-be, Tim Gunn, returns to Project Runway tomorrow night! (Okay, I know there's no chance in hell that he'd be my second husband, but I like to dream because it's free and I'm on a budget both financially and emotionally, k?)

I will be blogging about Project Runway like I have been for the past seasons. HOWEVER. I will be doing it on my MySpace page as Blogger just doesn't have a great photo layout option, which would make the posts here incredibly long. BUT, I will be posting links here so you can click on over. I know it's confusing, but hey, that's entertainment. Gotta keep you dazzled.

MAKE

IT

WORK!

Where Did Romance Go? (Or why do all songs now have the word "Bitch" in them as a term of endearment??)

A characteristic that helps define me as a "new old biddy" is that I'm horribly late to every technological party. To illustrate this point: I just got my first iPod in 2007. (Take THAT, Mac! You don't own me!) My phone doesn't get the internet ergo it has zero "apps for that." I prefer shopping in stores versus shopping online (cuz I like to touch everything). I like actual solid books over the Kindle. But I DO enjoy using a microwave over an oven, so I guess that's something? (Don't yell, I tried...)

So my newest "discovery" was last week was Pandora Internet Radio. (However, I was proud to only be a little over a year late to this party. Only a year! That's progress, people!) And in classic "new old biddy style" I'm listening to music from another era: Frank Sinatra. Sarah Vaughan. Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, et al. Which brings me to my second discovery... this music makes me feel ROMANTIC. (WHAT?! The "r-word"?! I know! A stunned gasp escaped my own lips as I realized it. Or it was a burp. Either way, I was taken aback as well.)

Now you may ask, "Jennifer, why are you just now coming into the idea of romance? Aren't you 30-mumble-years-old? And for Pete's sake, what were you FEELING before?"

Answers:

1) I've always been a bit of a "dude" about romance until lately. I'm a late bloomer, shut up.

2) Yes, I am that old, thanks bunches for the reminder now shut up.

3) Who is Pete and why is he sticking his nose into my business? (It's a bad joke, but I need to deflect, shut up!)

Romance was never at the top of my list. My (failing) career was always very important. Shopping was important. Watching Project Runway has been a list topper for the past several years. But now... I have this burning need for romance! Where's my slow dance under the stars in Paris? Where's my candle lit dinner followed by champagne kisses? Where's my surprise picnic complete with flowers and bacon? Sweet tea bags, people, I NEVER had these wants before in my life. NEVER. If I wanted flowers, I bought myself flowers. Fancy dinner? I had my girlfriends to get dressed up with for a night on the town. And I can count on my pooch, Matilda, for nose kisses and snuggles 24/7. And now... I'm a complete sap and I totally blame Pandora for my emotional turn-about. (Can I sue??)

There are so many great songs, but I really love "La Vie En Rose" as sung by Edith Piaf. (Side note: I called her Edith Pilaf-- like the rice-- in earnest the other day. I'm an epic ass-can.) The song is simple and sweet:

Hold me close and hold me fast,

The magic spell you cast,

This is la vie en rose.

When you kiss me, heaven sighs,

And though I close my eyes,

I see la vie en rose.

When you press me to your heart,

I'm in a world apart,

A world where roses bloom.

And when you speak, angels sing from above,

Everyday words seem to turn

Into love songs.

Give your heart and soul to me

And life will always be

La vie en rose.

Swoooooooon! Louis Armstrong also sings this song and it's just soooooooooo sweet. Again I say, SWOON with a dash of happy fists! Le sigh...

Maybe if I had been listening to this kind of music since infancy I would have been more into romance and maybe (just maybe) would have DEMANDED it in my life and not settled for anything less. I mean, let's look at a popular song that the kids are listening to that is shaping their little silly-puddy-like brains. It's by Pitbull who has a (horrible) song called "Hotel Room." Please check a (horrible) sampling of the (horrible) lyrics:

(Chorus)

Forget about your boyfriend and meet me in at the hotel room.

You can bring your girlfriends and meet me at the hotel room. (x2)

We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. (x4)

Aw, isn't that nice? That nice Mr. Pitbull is obviously offering some less financially fortunate women to come find warmth and a good meal in his classy Holiday Inn hotel room because he has a kind and chaste heart. (PS - The rest of the song is SO explicit that I couldn't even post it. Let's just say, it'll be a cold day in hell before I attempt to eat an egg white omelet anytime soon. Google it, I'm not explaining...)

So now I have to figure out what to do with this new need for "romance" in my life. Maybe it's just a passing phase in my life like having a successful career. (BAM, I said it.) Or maybe its here to stay. Hmmm. Yikes? Is there an app for that? Cuz I'd totally take the time to figure out how buy it... in a year from now.

(Just for fun, some songs I listened to whilst writing this blog entry: "It's Magic" by Sarah Vaughan, "More Than You Know" by Carmen Rae, "Darn That Dream" by Ella Fitzgerald, "Ring-A-Ding-Ding" by Frank Sinatra, "What'll I Do?" by Nat King Cole, "Cheek to Cheek" by Mel Torme, "The Very Thought of You" by Billie Holiday, "Trust in Me" by Etta James, "Love For Sale" by Eartha Kitt and "This Years Kisses" by Nina Simone.)

Today's guest blogger: Matilda the Dog!

OH HI!

My name is Matilda. My Lady asked me to do a guest blog for her today. "But I'm a DOG," I barked. To which she retorted, "So what? I'm an ass and I blog all the time." Touche, Lady. Touche.

So this blog is being written by little ol' me. (I'm so gonna drink her generic Slim Fast she left out... lazy daisy!) Lady's asleep on the couch dreaming about bacon. I can tell because she's sighing and giggling. (PS - If she's not dreaming about bacon, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT! LALALALLAAALLAA!)

Alright, let's get to it...

Today was a really good day. Before I came to live with Lady, I was rescued by the Best Friends Animal Society and lived with my Foster Mom. She's a wonderful woman who took care of me for 5 months before Lady found me online (creepy much?) and then adopted me. So Foster Mom came to visit me and Lady this morning. And we went to my favorite place - Aroma Cafe!

There weren't any paparazzi around today. I found this disappointing as I wore my good blue bow just in case. Sigh... What's a dog gotta do to get in People Magazine, hmm?? Hmph.

Anywho, I love going to cafes. Why? FOOD. Lots and lots of food. Oh the sniffs I can smell!

My Lady is a dumb dork though. She ordered FRUIT and YOGURT. BLECH. She's so self-centered with her order. I CAN'T SMELL YOGURT AND FRUIT! She never thinks about me. Where, for the love of Lassie, is the bacon?!? Hmmm? You're the Bacon Lady, Lady! Order bacon!

"Keep the kiwi. I'd rather drink from the community dog dish.

And you know how I feel about the community dog dish..."

Thankfully, Foster Mom ordered a crab cake sandwich. MUCH BETTER SNIFFS.

"OOOO! Crab cakes! Did you know I LOOOOVE crab cakes? Hmm? Can I have some? Hmmm? Please? Now? How 'bout now? Okay, now. Please? Hmmm?

HOW CAN YOU SAY 'NO' TO THESE EYES??"

Sigh... she said 'no' to these eyes. Phooey.

Therefore, I shall pout...

I'm a good pouter. I take after my Lady. Holy kibble-n-bits, she's a champion.

So then the worst thing in the world happened. Awful. Worse than global warming. Worse than war. Worse than reality television. Lady said the most awful thing in the world to me.

"Time to go home," she cooed.

In a word: UN-FREAKING-ACCEPTABLE.

I had to let her know what I felt about this plan. So I put on the brakes, and even though I'm only 12 lbs., I am pretty immovable when I want to be. THIS being one of those times. I had so many more sniffs to smell! That guy next to us ordered LOBSTER. SERIOUSLY! Do you know how nifty that smelled? Plus I had more people to greet! I'm a social pooch!!

Don't take me home!

Sadly, Lady weighs more than I do (but I won't tell you by how much because I want to make sure I get dinner --but it's by A LOT!) so she won this battle.

"Stupid, Lady. I'm gonna poop in your Fit Flops..."

But I got even...

"Ohhh, is this a stinky smell?"

"GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA DO...?"

"STOP DROP AND ROLL, BITCHES!"

Take that, Lady. Now I smell like crabgrass and doody.

"EPIC WIN!"

So that was my day. I spent the afternoon sleeping on the couch (after she wiped off my new perfume - BOOO!). I was worn out from our outing and my visit with Foster Mom. But I had things to do. I had to rest up for snack time and dinner time. And then bed time.

Okay, Lady is making noises. Time to publish!

Happy sniffs!

I'm a Mad (Wo)Man!

I love the series Mad Men. It makes me want to take up the "Cancer Sticks" and trade in my Target Generic Brand Slim-Fast shakes for a big ol' bottle of bourbon. It makes me want to trade in my hoodies and wear corsets and curlers! I want to talk properly and wear diamonds to brunch! I WANT TO SHOOT BIRDS WITH A GUN DAMMIT AND SLEEP WITH MY BOSS! (Oh wait, I'm unemployed... Details, details...)

Thankfully, AMC understands the fans' need to be a part of the show, specifically that era that they have romanticized for all of us. So due to the aforementioned unemployment, I had some time on my hands today to create a few icons and scenes of myself as a Mad Men cartoon character.

Without further adieu, I present, "The New Old Biddy - Man Men Style":

PHOTO #1: First Day of Work!

Dear Diary,

Well goodness, I've been ignoring you, old friend! Shame on me. Well at least I've been doing something quite exciting in the meantime other than laundry and gossip. Shall I tell you? (insert happy clapping noise) Oh I shall! I am working in ADVERTISING. Yes, where all the brain trusts and fashionably forward spend their days and, Diary, the best part is that I am a part of it! No more can the boys on the corner call me Sally No Fun. I'm an office gal now!

My job is really hard but rewarding and as a woman I'm thankful my brain can handle the work load and read the instructions on the coffee maker. (Thankfully, I'm not answering phones, which is a relief given I can never remember my own phone number. Aren't I a silly goose, Diary?). Sorry to have kept you in suspense, but I'm a... wait for it... a receptionist! A receptionist! It's true! Can you believe it? I get $5 a week and harassed on a regular basis by the suits in the office. I got my bottom smacked 3 times today. 3! That's more than Julie in the steno pool. (Plus I heard she's a slut, so she really keeps track for her records.) Anyway, it's so wonderful. I can't imagine a more perfect existence if I tried. (Thank goodness I'm a girl, I wouldn't think of trying!)

Oh isn't this picture of me silly as shingles on an igloo? Mom insisted that she take a "first day of school" picture. I look so happy! That's my favorite neckerchief. I got it for Christmas from Great-Auntie Prim. "All respectable girls keep their necks covered," she always says.

Oh dear, I need to set my hair for the night and press my clothes. This will take 7 hours so I better get started so I can at least sleep for 30 minutes.

Sincerely yours,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PHOTO #2: The Office

Dear Diary,

Oh my, I haven't had much time to write. I've been so busy working!

So since I only earn $5 a week, I have one outfit. Apparently, the men in the office complained. I'm writing them all apology notes right now.

The beautiful girl in red i n the picture is Joan. She has been a DEAR to me. She's taken me under her wing and shown me the ropes. She's really wonderful, Diary. She heard how the men in the office don't approve of my wardrobe, so she promised to give me a make-over so I look like a real City Girl. This is the most exciting day of my life! (Other than when I got my menses for the first time.)

I'm so grateful to the men in the office for pointing out that I need to take more care in my appearance. I really shouldn't forget that even though I'm working, I am still an object.

I wonder what I will look like?

Mwah, darling!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PHOTO #3: Make-Over!

Dear Diary,

YES, that's me! Aren't I the living end? Look at what Joan did to my hair. It's huge and fancy like all the girls I see in the bars. I'm fitting in by giving up my individuality. It's the bee's knees! (Joan is happy with her work. She said that I don't look like a derelict nun anymore.)

The good looking man in the picture is Don Draper. Oh he's dreamy, Diary. He smells like a malt milkshake. His voice is smooth like a chocolate sundae. And his hair reminds me of licorice. Oh by the way, I'm not allowed to eat anymore. Joan wants me to work on my figure and my health, so I've started smoking. At first smoking felt like it was killing me, but then I got used to it and I'm okay now. I am hoping to get up to 3 packs a day by next week. Joan said that setting goals is a good idea!

I have to go make another pot of coffee! My life is so fulfilling!

Up and coming!
Jennifer (Eolin)

PHOTO #4: The date!

Dear Diary!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I went out with Don Draper last night!! I'm over the moon! My first date EVER! (Other than Roy Kinkens who took me to the school dance because my mother paid him $2.)

I had my first drink tonight called a dirty martini! However, I'm sure the alcohol kills any germs from the dirt. Don insisted I have 4. I couldn't turn him down since he's the boss. I managed to throw up in my purse when he went back to the bar. When he came back he said, "Do you smell that?" And I said, "It's New Jersey." He laughed. Phew!

Joan said to bring him a gift that I can leave with him that will remind him of me. I brought him a donut. He asked me what I wanted him to remember about me. I said that I taste good. Then he stuck his finger in the donut hole. I told him that he didn't ask first and that it was very rude of him to do that. Then he asked if I'm a glazed donut. I said, "Sometimes, I'm a jelly filled." He winced. Did I play the game wrong?

I'm hoping he asks me out again. Married men are so funny!

Kisses,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - His ear lobes looked like marshmallows and his eyes were like chocolate balls.

PPS - I haven't eaten since last Tuesday.

PPPS - I'm up to 4 packs a day!

PPPPS - I need another job to pay for the cigarettes.

PHOTO #5: Stranded!

Diary.

I'm a slut.

Have drinking problem.

Birth control pills don't work if you don't take them every day.

And he didn't even eat my donut.

Moving to New Jersey,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I'm so hungry, I'll eat my own donut, thank you!!

****

Make your own series!

http://www.madmenyourself.com

All hail the bacon cupcake!

“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me.

And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself.

So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill.

Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again.

Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.

It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day.”

Michael Scott - "The Office"

If Michael Scott were not a fictional character, I'd probably date him. Or at least make out with him just for his bacon. (Listen, buddy, YOU try being divorced and single at my age - let's see where your moral compass lands your judgemental ass, K?)

I've been addicted to the "sweet meat" since I was a kid. (...YIKES...) In short: I love bacon. Everybody who knows me knows this. Within minutes. "Oh Jennifer Eolin? I just met her. Nice girl. Really digs bacon apparently. Kinda weird how often she mentioned it, come to think of it. Actually, I take back the 'nice girl' assessment. She's a hardcore freak show. Has anybody called PETA yet?" (Update: PETA has their version of a SCRAM on my meat drawer in my kitchen to monitor my pork intake... Tee hee!)

So a few weeks ago, I saw a recipe on the Food Network site for Maple French Toast and Bacon Cupcakes. I knew these needed to be made and immediately consumed. But since I do not have a working oven in my apartment (and yes, I've lived here a year - SHUT UP!) I called my friend, Lauren, who not only has a working oven, but expertly knows how to use it. (She also humors my weirdness, so naturally, we're friends.) We decided Thursday, July 23rd was to be BACON CUPCAKE DAY. Squeeee!

I showed up to her place (after sitting in traffic for an hour and a half!) wearing a shirt that would, no doubt, tip Tim Gunn's good fashion sense ass over tea cups:

I'm sure in Tim Gunn's mind the only other faux pas I could have committed was to wear this shirt with leggings. That would have killed him in 2 seconds flat. (PS - Thanks to R.M. for the t-shirt!)

We got right to work (after watching "The Fashion Show" on Bravo for 2 hours). It was immediately obvious that even though I'd had many years of 4-H cooking experience as a child, I was not in my element:

(This picture is brought to you by Swans Down Cake Flour.

When you care enough to bake with the very best...

or at least with the only brand the store carries.)

After some scolding and "I'm going to talk to you like a 2-year-old, Jennifer," lectures from Lauren (all warranted on my part - we'd STILL be whipping the egg whites and sugar had she not intervened) I finally got the hang of it all:

(Dear Julia Childs,

Suck it!

Smooches,

Jennifer Eolin)

We now come to the part where we need to talk about the batter. Tasting the batter is my favorite part of cooking (or being around people who cook). I love to sample it. It's ALWAYS delish. But look at this mess:

YEECH. The nicest compliment I can give it is, "Well, at least it looks like clean barf." Needless to say, I was obviously a little apprehensive to taste this concoction:

But I decided a positive "yes, and!" attitude was a better idea...

("OMG. This is what heaven tastes like!")

Time to bake!

Now... whilst these little succulent pork puffs roasted, we made the icing. (Okay, we made the icing after consuming a pot roast. I'm not kidding.) The icing... sigh... here's where the endeavor started to falter. The recipe called for an 8 oz. package of cream cheese, 2 tablespoons of unsalted butter, confectioners sugar, maple syrup and cinnamon. The consistency was runny and it tasted like a cavity.

I like sweet things (that's what she said!) but I could feel my body making Type II Diabetes as I stood there. Panicked, I screamed: "WHAT DO WE DO NOW?! WE NEED FROSTING!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT IS OVER!!" Calmly, Lauren, who puts the "rock" in Betty Crocker, pulled out some regular frosting to which we added a little maple syrup and cinnamon to, and the results... Epic win!

(Is there a guild for thumb models?)

Finally, after putting the final touch of bacon bits on the top of our ghetto-recipe-frosting, the cupcakes were ready to eat! (Between watching television and eating a pot roast, this took about 5 hours of our time to do. Shut up! It was fun!)

And the result... AMAZING. Love. Heart. I want to spoon it all night long.

I really can't wait to make these guys again. The sweet and the salt combine together perfectly. The only change we'd make next time is that we'd make them into mini-cupcakes as they are quite rich, and one cupcake could be overwhelming. (I ate 4.)

I'm now excited to try other bacon recipes where bacon plays an unusual role. I can't wait! (I'm gonna need more shirts...)

"It's BACON!!!!!!!!"