The New Old Biddy

Holiday Cards!

2011-11-28T19:22:00.001-05:00

It's that time again, folks. Homemade holiday card season!

I have a whole new line of cards listed on my Etsy site!

Some people watch football on Thanksgiving,
I design cards. Cuz I'm a dork.

I will hand make your cards only after you order them. Isn't that exciting! Did you just eggnog yourself? I know I did. (I'm still a bit of a jerk, despite it being the holidays. This biddy can't change...)

And if you liked last years line, you can still get those (pre-printed) at my CafePress Store. (The CafePress store also has all my other designs for mugs, t-shirts, etc. that make great gifts! Who doesn't want a "Meh" Mug in their stocking, hmmmm?)

Happy Holidays, everyone!

I Am A Bad Blogger

2011-10-20T10:59:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

Simply put: Crap.

So awhile back I said I would blog more. Apparently, this was a complete lie. (Just like the words "Lean Cuisine" and "Lindsay Lohan successfully completes rehab.")

"Jennifer, what caused this radio silence on your blog lately?" you may be asking. (Face it, you are asking.) Well a few things caused it. First of all my dog, Matilda, died in July. Her decline was fast, but I still had to make the painful decision to take her to the vet and help end her suffering. I was holding her on my lap when her heart stopped beating. I swear mine did too. I could write a lot more about this, but frankly it's quite sad and I'm not ready. RIP Doodle Bug...

After that, I honestly didn't feel like writing on a regular basis. I didn't want to be behind a computer, I wanted to be in the company of people: family, friends, dates, sketch group rehearsals, going to shows, etc. I also adopted a new dog, Maggie, whom I adore. She is a 4-year-old Chihuahua that I rescued from a local shelter in NYC. She. Is. Amazing. Full of life, slap happy and snuggly. She also "talks" so I feel like I have a roommate. No, seriously. We have full conversations. This morning, we chatted about economic policy followed by why she thinks shadows on the wall are evil.

"Shadows steal souls!"

So really, I plan to write more. I feel like my mojo is back. Life is stable again, which is a good thing. So please stay tuned for stories. And thank you for waiting!

So here's YOUR assignment: Ask questions & give topics you want me to address. I'm happy to entertain all queries.

Until my next post, which is hopefully SOON, be good and fight the evil empire that is comprised of shadows cast on walls. Maggie will be so pleased and could use some tips. (She's really lousy at catching them. Shortly after the picture above was taken she tried to bite the shadow. Seriously. All she ended up doing is bopping her nose on the wall. She may be a hot mess.)

Hugs & Hoodies,

Jennifer

Online Dating

2011-08-19T10:18:00.001-04:00

We've all done it, it's our dirty little secret. Or public secret. Or just maybe it's just dirty. Either way, I'm speaking about online dating, aka The Scurge of our Century.

Online dating seems to be the only way I can meet someone, especially in NYC. It's weird that in a city of 2984304809484 people living on top of each other (that's what she said) I've met nobody in real life, just cyber life. Bygones.

Anyway, I believe I will be alone a little bit longer as I received this email today. There is SO MUCH wrong with it that I barely know where to begin. Please brace yourself and read:

Coming across your profile i have some feelings in me, Your beautiful smile that happens to come on your face,charming face which all men wants but something special which all men dont see and that is your heart which contain so much that i will love to get to know more about ..i will be glad if you give me the moment to get to know more about you.
Your smile proves so much,you are a woman with a charming smile which shows a longer and future relationship,which a man will pray for that man who knows the worth of a family.Something is special about you and that is your high sence of humor..Hmmmm..you are a God gift.then why dont you be my gift as well..you will wonder how much i know this but remember that eyes is the mirrow of the heart and soul.
Yeah i am far away from you,which i think might be a problem but i think sometimes you meet people near you getting to know them and at the end of the day they break your heart but precisely i really wanted to relocate for my business expansion and for the happiness of a beautiful family which i pray for. I will love to hear from you soon,
Hope to read a reply from you soon.

#1: No, you will neither hear nor will you read a reply from me soon.

#2: SPELLING! Ask God for the gift of spell check!

#3: I am a God Gift, that is your only correct item in this email. Well done.

#4: We won't be having a family together. Gross.

#5: Did you go to public school? If so you owe a lot of tax payers their money back.

Sigh....

So the search continues. The bar is set pretty low, but unless the next guy calls me a God Gift, I'm not sure we have a future together.

The Robots - Episode 6 - "The Email"

2011-07-07T12:21:00.002-04:00

Oh dear my, my little Robots are in a fix. This episode is based on a true email, read verbatim in the episode. But to protect the innocent and the ignorant, their names have been changed. Enjoy - pip pip!

Letters from Jennifer... Beauty Edition!

2011-07-02T17:18:00.000-04:00

My latest batch of letters can be seen HERE on The Makeup Blogger's site. Help support my friend's site and have a laugh at my expense as that truly is the best kind of laugh.

Happy 4th of July weekend!

The Robots - Episode 5: "Change of Life"

2011-07-01T00:15:00.000-04:00

Ohhhh how I missed my quirky and weird little robots. But if you have been following me on Twitter (why wouldn't you?) and memorized all my tweets (why wouldn't you?) then you'll know that for a period of time I boycotted the Xtranormal site as they 1) Got rid of the two voices I used and 2) started charging money. The creative side of me was pissed, as was my frugal side. So I pouted. And tweeted. Which are actually turning into the same thing in my life lately. (I kid! Happy as a lark! Mostly.)

ANYHOOO.... Fast forward to just NOT BEING ABLE TO STAY AWAY from my robots. They are different now though and struggling with their new identities, ergo the title of this episode, "Change of Life."

I hope you'll love and embrace my new-ish robots. I know if they had feelings they would hug and embrace you back. Enjoy!

Latest Post....

2011-06-23T14:15:00.000-04:00

I'm really enjoying my walks down memory lane while writing these columns for The Make-Up Blogger. Please read my latest (painful) journey into my (hilarious yet not debilitating) past. Enjoy!

READ COLUMN HERE!

New Cards!

2011-06-09T16:56:00.000-04:00

I like cards. I like receiving them, sending them and putting one up my sleeve. (Buh-dum-dum.) If you remember, I made homemade hand-stamped Holiday cards this past year and I enjoyed making each one! So I finally have general note cards for sale on my Etsy site. Click HERE to see!

Here's a preview of a few of my cards that are for sale!

I'm selling them as 5 cards for $10. You can also customize your order. Change the color, take away or add "thank you" and we can discuss bulk discounts. Whatever you like! I'm a flexible biddy. (That's what she said.)

Enjoy!!

Sunday Letters From Jennifer...

2011-06-05T11:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Summer,

STOP IT. You're quite early and frankly I am over your rude behavior of party crashing. Let Spring have it's time here on Earth. Is that SO hard for you to do?

I hate tank tops,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - I also hate sweating.

PPS - Seriously, there's not enough Shower to Shower to make you, Summer, tolerable.

PPPS - My electric bill hates you too.

PPPPS - I am cc'ing Humidity on this letter.

*****

Dear Politicians, Professional Athletes, Actors, et al,

You will get caught. It's not the 70's anymore. It's called Social Media for a reason.

Fail Whale,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - WHY do boys send pictures of their crotches?

PPS - WHY do girls send pictures of their boobs?

PPPS - WHY do people still take self portraits in mirrors?

PPPPS - WHY don't these people have actual self-esteem and need validation by others?

PPPPPS - And why do I care so much?

PPPPPPS - And why is it NEWS?

PPPPPPPS - Grumpy fists!

******

Dear Illy Coffee,

Thank you for making a decaf coffee that doesn't taste like an ogre's dirty footbath water.

Hazelnut surprises,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Could you maybe come down in price a little?

PPS - What do you mean that would compromise your flavor?

PPPS - But I'm on a fixed income!

PPPPS - Well could you go on sale more often?

PPPPPS - Yes, I understand I'm not the boss of you.

PPPPPPS - Well there's no need to call me names. Especially that one.

PPPPPPPS - I still love you.

And Yet Another Column....

2011-06-04T13:44:00.000-04:00

Dearest Readers,

Please pop on over to check out my latest COLUMN on The Makeup Blogger's site. I'm writing a collection of memoirs from my life (duh?) that have to do with makeup, skin care and beauty in general. Needless to say, I'm dashingly witty and adorable, so please check it out!

Hugs and mascara flakes,

Jennifer (Eolin)

My Column for The Make-Up Blogger

2011-05-27T12:15:00.000-04:00

Hi! My very good friend Christina runs a great blog called, The Make-Up Blogger. I have started writing a column titled "My Journey Into Make-Up" which are little memoirs from when I was just a wee lass stumbling into the world of make-up (which is a big deal for girls, and some boys and the band KISS).

So please enjoy - and READ IT HERE!

Happy Friday!!

Sunday Letters From Jennifer...

2011-05-22T11:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Apocalypse,

Well, well. The dinner party was for 6pm and you missed it. You even had carte blanche to show up ANYWHERE it happened to be 6pm. That's a lot of time zones to choose from, buddy! And please don't tell me that "you didn't know." C'mon. Your invite was spray painted on buildings, posted in every subway car, and on billboards across the nation. It was on the news, on Twitter and even being talked about by the locals in the middle of the post-office. It was your party and you blew it.

You, Apocalypse, are a lazy daisy.

In light of your flakiness (are you by chance from LA?), may I suggest that you send your host a note explaining why you didn't arrive on schedule. You see, you left Mr. Camping very "bewildered" as to why you would blow him off without even a text message saying, "Running late!" or "Traffic on the freeway is a bi-atch right now!" And listen, I get it, Oakland isn't The Ritz, but surely you could humble yourself to at least poke your head in for a minute and say, "What up, Holmes?" before giving your fake excuse to leave early, right? (You are from LA, aren't you?)

Since you've deeply offended your host and his party guests, (who are still slightly burning from your no-show antics from the 90's) I suggest when you do show up that you do the following to avoid further egg on your face:

* Bring a gift. Mayhaps a box of wine or a nice floral arrangement to help everyone forget your uber-douche past.

* Text when you are on your way. "OMW" is sufficient, hip and now.

* Bring a handwritten note to each party guest, letting them know how sorry you are for making them waste their time and money preparing for your last party. Especially that family that had a baby and spent their life savings in a week. Yeah. You may want to just drop that one in a mailbox now and draw a happy face on their envelope.

* Actually RSVP next time. Check your Facebook invites on a computer and click, 'YES.'

Okay, you have a lot of work to do, mister. But chin up, maybe someday you'll show up. Just like Santa Claus. (I keep hoping...)

Sins and Hugs,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Why are dogs excluded from your party, btw? RUDE!

PPS - My dogs are potty trained so it wouldn't be a big deal.

PPPS - Okay, Annie will pee on your rug, but only once and that's just to let you she loves you.

PPPPS - Oh and Matilda has horrible breath and hacks up phlegm every ten minutes.

PPPPPS - Okay, I see your point.

*****

Dear Justin Timberlake,

PLEASE ALWAYS BE ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. Without you, it's Saturday Night Coma. (Ba-dum-dum.)

It's Okay If It's A 3-Way,

Jennifer (Eolin)

PS - Can I send you and Andy Samberg my address?

PPS - No, really, can I?

PPPS - I'm local.

PPPPS - I can take a cab to you. No big whoop. I'm easy.

PPPPPS - That's what she said.

Letters from Jennifer...

2011-05-15T12:17:00.000-04:00

Dear NYC Pedestrians,

Well look at you out and about after a long winter's nap! Welcome! However, I have a few suggestions to make your journey into the world a bit easier for all of us.

1) Do not stroll! Nothing is more annoying that the pedestrian who just lollygags along the sidewalk, meandering aimlessly on the sidewalk like a game of lazy Frogger. Get in a lane, adjust your mirrors and WALK. If you want to stroll make like an elderly person and do laps at Macy's.

2) Stop straddling lanes! What are you, a Hummer? (No, you're not!) Just like the road, stay in your lane. Let me pass on the left without getting bodychecked, k?

3) NO texting! Pull your ass over to text. Duane Reade has a great awning you can stand under so you won't get a sunburn or rained on. I'm not kidding, my toes are sore from your lack of navigation.

4) It's Springtime. Put your f'ing Uggs in the closet, k?

Okay, I hope that was helpful for you. I know it was helpful for me.

Right of way,

Jennifer

PS - I'm really serious about the Uggs.

*******

Dear Mister Softee,

I inwardly giggle like a 12-year-old every time I see your truck.

Childishly yours,

Jennifer

PS - HAHAHAHAHAA! "Mister Softee!" HAHAHHAHAHAA!

PPS - I can be very childish.

PPPS - VERY.

PPPPS - HAHAHHAHAHHAAAA! Oh it doesn't get old. No, trust me on that one.

*******

Dear Allergies,

Please make like a pair of Uggs and make yourself scarce.

Achoo cough hack achoo,

Jennifer

PS - There's just not enough Flonase in the world to make you okay.

PPS - Zyrtec is like the new amateur hour.

PPPS - You make me hate flowers.

PPPPS - You make me unattractive.

PPPPPS - I need all the help I can get.

PPPPPPS - I'm not kidding.

And Now, A Moment With Matilda....

2011-05-12T11:51:00.000-04:00

"Ohmigod. Feel a yawn coming on."

"I can't stop it! Here it comes!"

"Blaaaaaaaah!"

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"All done. What?"

(Special thanks to Amber Marlow Photography!)

New "Cute As A Button" Series - MONSTERS!

2011-05-08T09:42:00.000-04:00

"Good art is in the wallet of the beholder."

-- Kathy Lette

Since deciding, "I'm going to paint for a living," I've actually been painting for a living! (A very modest living, but it's living!) I have to say, it feels good. After leaving a career in comedy/performing, it's nice to still be able to do something that is creative that doesn't involve playing at instrument on the subway. (Yesterday's in-car concert, JAZZ FLUTE. So rude.)

My concentration lately has been on creating art for babies, toddlers and kids. I believe that art is an ESSENTIAL in a child's life. It helps spur creativity, happiness and imagination. So I came up with my "Cute As A Button" line for my nephew, Nate. These animals hang over his bed and keep him company while he sleeps. Yesterday, I came into his room to get him after his nap and he was sitting in his crib, looking up at the paintings. I like to think he was thinking, "Wow, that Auntie Jennifer is quite the talent! I can feel my brain making new neural pathways and my synapses are firing on all cylinders!" (He was probably thinking, "I think I pooped." Bygones.)

So now I have a new line for toddlers: Cute As A Button - MONSTERS! But they are fun, cute and happy monsters (unlike Frankenstein or the IRS). I came up with them one day and doodled them in my "doodle book." (Look, some people have little black books, I have a doodle book. Shut up, I know I'm single.)

Monster inception. Rated PG.

Next, I got out 2 5x7 inch stretched canvases and starting outlining.

At this stage my friends thought I was making a rabbit
and a Pac Man ghost. NOTE TO SELF: Don't let friends
see your art until it's done.

And then finally, the finished product!

Introducing Abernathy & Bartholomew the Monsters!

Each "Monster" will teach a toddler a lesson through a poem. (I'm writing them now and they will be revealed on my Etsy site when they are finished.) Abernathy loves to smile and brush is teeth, while Bartholomew likes to keep his shoes tied and put them under his bed at night.

So what is the point of all this? I'll tell you:

* Inspiring kids to draw, paint, whatever! CREATE!

* Getting kids interested in the arts, museums, etc.

* Conversation pieces for children and their parents

* Giving parents nice artwork to hang in their kids room that isn't a piece of plastic crap from China. (No offense, China....)

So stay tuned, the Monsters will have more joining them and will be coming to my Etsy store SOON! (Also note, I do commissioned pieces so if you have something specific you want, let me know!)

Thanks for helping to support a struggling, new old biddy!

Please vote for "The Sandpit"!

2011-04-13T17:24:00.001-04:00

Please help my ridiculously talented brother-in-law, Sam, win a WEBBY!

His wonderful short film, The Sandpit, has been nominated for a Webby award in the Viral and Music categories. Please vote for it in both categories!

And refresh your memory here of the tiny little movie that could.... A day in the life in NYC as told in time-lapsed tilt shift. Every time I watch it, I see something new. Enjoy!

The Sandpit from Sam O'Hare on Vimeo.

ETSY STORE IS OPEN!

2011-03-31T13:32:00.001-04:00

HAPPY FISTS! Finally... after all this blabbing about "I'm going to open my Etsy store SOON!" I can say, "Soon is now, start shopping!"

You can visit TheNewOldBiddy Etsy Store here!

Please enjoy and keep a look out for more coming soon - including handstamped cards and my "Cute As A Button" series that will be custom made just for you!

ALSO - there is a button on the side that will allow you to "request a custom item" - go ahead and shoot me an email letting me know what you want. We'll work it out!

Please enjoy! :)

Spring Has Sprung - New Painting!

2011-03-28T09:57:00.000-04:00

Spring is my favorite season (not just because I get presents on my birthday), followed by autumn, followed by winter and then a distant fourth is the hot goo season we call "summer." (Or "complete bullshit" as I like to call it everyday I walk outside of my apartment and realize that the shower I took is now null and void.)

Anyhoo... My latest painting endeavor was inspired by my favorite season:

It's Spring! Where's my Flonase?

This painting took awhile and I looooooooooooooooooove it. It's acrylic on a 14"x18" canvas panel.

Here's how this painting happened.... I started out using this painting as a practice canvas for testing out texture using the plastic bag technique you've heard me yammer on about. I'd slap paint on the canvas and then let it dry with a plastic bag over it. 4 layers and 4 plastic bags later, I had this:

I'll be honest, I didn't know what I was painting. I was merely playing with paint and texture. (I REALLY like plastic bags, ya'll...) I emailed this draft to my friend Jenn who politely said, "I see trees." So I let that sink in and I put the painting aside for awhile. Then one day I looked at it and said, "I see the background of Spring." And with that, the final layer, Spring, was added (but no bags, just paint).

I used varnish sponges for the stems and streaks of light and sea sponges for the flowers. Here are some close-ups so you can really see the texture and mixture of all the layers of paint:

This painting will be going up for sale once my Etsy shop is established. Who's gonna be the lucky person who gets to hang this in their home, hmmmm?

The "Cute As a Button" Series Continues!

2011-03-27T08:56:00.000-04:00

It was my nephew's first birthday this weekend! TIME FLIES. I remember when he was just a wrinkle of a baby and now he's got teeth, is walking around and says, "Hi, Mom!" Craaaazy.

To jog your memories, I made him a series of paintings for Christmas called, "Cute As a Button." It's just cute animals on 5x7 inch canvases. And somewhere, a button is involved. Here's Christmas again...

And here's what I made for him to add to his wall for his birthday:

AND.... my mom's birthday was last week and she wanted some artwork for his bedroom there, so she got these yesterday:

So now Nate is outfitted with the hottest thing going in kid art in both his houses. Such a spoiled little boy! Happy birthday, Nate!

I Get Bored... Part 2 - UPDATED!

2011-03-25T00:00:00.001-04:00

Okay... so I made a few more. Sue me. (But don't expect to win anything, unless you want some rusty silverware that sat in my sink for too long or a dog that needs new kidneys.)

Enjoy!

JUST ADDED this morning!

The rest were posted last night - you may still enjoy them. :)

I Get Bored...

2011-03-22T11:44:00.000-04:00

...so I make things. Here are someEcards that I made lately - enjoy and feel free to pass them along!

10,000 Baby Steps

2011-03-18T19:53:00.000-04:00

Fact: One thing I like about winter is that I can wear 239584903843094 layers of clothes. I also like that layers of clothing hide all imperfections. (Shut up, I like cheese. A lot of cheese. All the time. Full time cheese party here, folks.)

Fact: I have gained weight in the past year. This isn't a bad thing really as I was a size 4 and now I'm an 8 so I'm by NO means fat. BUT, I am out of shape and my metabolism is shot.

Fact: I gained a lot of this weight when my dad passed away. The second he passed our house was inundated with all kinds of food, mainly trays of lasagna and deli platters. (I now say that when a friend suffers a death in their family, I'll send a condolence card and a can of Slim Fast with a note saying, "You'll thank me later. I say this part jokingly, but mostly sincerely.)

FACT: I need to work out again. I've been lazy. (I'm really good at lazy because I can multi-task "lazy" with "eating cheese.")

A friend said to me last week, "I'm wearing my pedometer today." This reminded me that I had one (somewhere) and that I'd read about how we need to walk 10,000 steps a day to stay in shape (which averages about 5 miles). I found my pedometer and saw the last number registered on it: "2,549." Ooops. That's not so hot.

So last Saturday I put on my pedometer and clocked in roughly 18,000 steps. WOW. I walked to and from work, then to a friend's place, then to the Whitney Museum on the east side (gross) and then to the bus that took us home (which was a good thing as my legs almost fell off the next morning).

Since wearing the pedometer I've clocked in 10,000 (or more) almost every day. On my day off from work, I clocked in 6,500 (something in that area). All in all, not bad. I'm fairly impressed.

Downside: OH MY GOD MY LEGS AND KNEES HURT. This may be because I had been wearing my Sketcher Shape-Ups and WOW they worked me out a little too hard. (One customer at work asked me, "Do those sneakers work your ass out?" Needless to say, he was met with the famous Eolin, "Jackass Stare.") Anyhoo, as a result of my over-zealousness with the Shape-Ups, I have apply a sexy layer of Icy Hot every night. (Actually it's a generic brand, because this biddy's on a budget.)

Today I walked 11,400 steps. WHEEEE! Tomorrow is my day off work but I'm hoping to at least hit 7000 steps with my errands.

I'll try to give updates on my progress. I've been walking to and from work for about 2 months now and my jeans are fitting better for sure. I'm not weighing myself as I'm more concerned with being in shape than being an exact number.

So if you live in NYC and you see me powering down the street (sometimes with my dog, Annie, who is NOT excited about my 10,000 steps a day program and would rather take a cab) get out of my way. I will plow you over and I will mutter under my breath, like the proper biddy that I am. You've been warned!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2011-03-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

I think this picture of my nephew sums up the title of this blog adequately:

"Today my formula is green!
And so is the stuff in my nose."

Latest Paintings and Things...

2011-02-28T11:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't painted as much this week as I'd like, but for good reason - my new pooch, Annie! (Her proper name is Anya, but her nickname is Annie, or Anna Banana, or Annie Granny or Lady Doodle or whatever. Shut up. I'm single.)

Here are some more paintings that will go up in my Etsy store! (Which, yes, is still under construction. I still need to photograph the paintings properly and set up graphics and all that. Yeah. Should be open by next year. Blergh...)

First up, an instant favorite, TAR-JAY!

Jennifer misses Target. Can you tell?

The canvas panel is 11x14 inches. The background is acrylic paint (portrait pink, white and unbleached white). The bag was applied and dried for about 10 hours. And voila, art! (Target IS art. You don't get to argue with me about that. IT IS ART. So shut it.)

Second up: That is "Shurfine"!

This makes me want hot chocolate.

This canvas panel is 9x12 inches. The canvas was prepped with white and unbleached white acrylic paint and then the bags were placed on top and they dried (like the one above) for about 10 hours.

I love how this turned out!! What a peaceful setting. My mom supplied me with this bag. It's from a store in her tiny corner of the world, they used this as their holiday bag. I had to cut out a "Shurfine" logo out of the middle and collage the sky to make it a complete picture.

Last... Flowers from the Caribbean!

SQUEE! Flowers! My favorite!

Unlike Chunk from The Goonies, I love nature. (As long as its just on my canvas....)

This canvas panel is 9x12 inches. The canvas was prepped with unbleached white paint. What I did next was paint an impression of what the color of the flowers/leaves/stem would be (as the flower on the bag is merely a red outline). This had to be done quite quickly as acrylic paint dries SO FAST. (I have a "slow drying" medium to add to my paint for the next go-around.) The bag then stayed on (again) for 10 hours or so.

I love the imperfection and impressionism of this. Here's a close-up.

Alright, that's it for now. But expect more soon! (And yes, the store to open someday before I'm dead...)

The Doodle Brigade Expands: Welcome, Anya!

2011-02-24T12:46:00.000-05:00

I am very happy to announce the newest member of the Doodle Brigade: ANYA!

"I am NOT an Ewok."

I can hear you asking: "Lady, why did you get a new dog?" Well, I'll tell you. Little Matilda is in her last months, and Anya is a great little pooch who needed a home immediately. Let me explain....

The past few weeks have been very sad and stress filled. Matilda's health has been in steady decline and this past weekend the vet gave me the news: "She has liver and kidney function failure. But the remedies for those conditions clash with her congestive heart failure. We'll do our best with supplements, but she has a few months at the most." (Insert collective crying here.)

Matilda has thus far outlived every vets' prediction since I got her over 2 years ago. Originally she wasn't supposed to live for 2 months. But Matilda seems to have 45945490 lives (but no dollars to pay the vet bills for these lives!) and she is doing her best to be a proper doggie biddy and live forever.

"I am wearing my best biddy sweater.
Now get off my lawn."

Now back to Anya. I have known Anya for about 6 months. She lived with my best friends along with their other dog, until one day the dogs decided that they actually don't get along. Much sadness and attempts at fixing their dogs' relationship ensued, but nothing worked. With heavy hearts, my friends approached me and asked if I'd take Anya into my home. I couldn't accept fast enough.

In the short time that Anya has been here, Matilda has improved! No, her health problems are not fixed (although I wish) but she is acting more like herself than she has in weeks. This morning Matilda found the energy to chase Anya around the living room. Anya was THRILLED. Then at "food time" both danced at my feet as I filled their bowls. Co-habitation between pooches is so far so good.

And best yet, I work at a dog grooming/boarding shop so Anya comes to work with me and spends the day running around while Matilda takes the day to rest. The only thing Anya isn't 100% thrilled about is that I walk to work, which is roughly 37 blocks away (one way). Yesterday she tried to hail a cab on our walk. I'm not kidding.

So please enjoy the pictures of my newest family members and keep little Matilda in your thoughts. Let's hope that she can live as long as her body will let her, and that Anya and I have an amazing life and adventure together!

"I have made myself at home and redecorated the floor."

"Ummm... where are my toys? I swear they were JUST here."

"37+37= 74 blocks! 74! Zzzzzzzzzzz."

"HA! I get to ride in a stroller. Suck it up, Buttercup."

"Mmm, Lady's lap. Zzzzzzzzz."

Peace

2011-02-17T19:19:00.000-05:00

The latest....

2/17/11 - "Peace"

Mixed media - acrylic on canvas panel 9"x12".
Imprints - Birds from a Book Culture bag and skyline from Gristedes bag.
Text is hand stamped.

More Odd Keywords That Equal The New Old Biddy

2011-02-17T15:39:00.000-05:00

It's that time again! Time to see what crazy keywords are leading the poor people of the planet to my blog:

* how can i make my legs look thicker?

* Georgina Chapman legs

* yay cutie pants

* fat old ziggy productions

* old biddie porn

* mesquite arts center

* Matilda coach purse

* funny eulogy for a prick

* bones "the daredevil in mold"

And my favorite this time around:

* How to bag a biddy not in your class

SNAP.

The Art is In The Bag!

2011-02-15T09:58:00.000-05:00

HAHAHA. "In The Bag!" I'm so clever.

If you've been keeping up with me, (and if you haven't been, what the hell is your problem??) you know that I'm waaaaaaay into how print off of plastic bags transfers onto canvas. Obsessed is actually more accurate, as it's to the point where I'm scouting out the best bags of strangers on the street. Yes, I'm officially a bag lady of sorts. Please, don't act so surprised.

So here are a few more of my mixed media creations! Enjoy!

My favorites!

Book 2: Mixed Media on 9"x12" canvas panel,
acrylic paint, Barnes & Noble plastic bag transfer

Book 1: Same as above.

Raisin Bread bag mixed media,
8"x10" canvas panel.

Dog Park! Mixed media, acrylic and plastic bag transfer
on a 9"x12" canvas panel.

Tomato Garden: Mixed media, acrylic paint and
the tomatoes from 3 D'Agostino's plastic bags
on a 9"x12" canvas panel.

Summer Time! Mixed media, acrylic paint,
Byrne Dairy plastic bag transfer on a 12"x16" canvas panel.

Etsy store is almost ready! SQUEEEE!

Get Your VD on at CafePress! (UPDATED w/ Zazzle Additions)

2011-02-04T11:53:00.001-05:00

VD. Tee hee! Every year, I laugh like a ridiculously under-educated child. VD!

So if you like my humor, you should like my latest CafePress store designs for Valentine's Day (there, I said it properly). Of course, knowing me, I have a few sweet designs for the sincerely in love folks out there (gack) and then I have the anti-VD (buwahahhaaa!) designs for the bitter biddies out there, like me.

Below are the designs - each are on a variety of products, but I've just grabbed one to highlight the design and delight your buying sensibilities. (NOTE: I do get a commission off each purchase from my store so you ARE helping support a struggling biddy!)

ENJOY!

Vampire or scared adult who has commitment issues?
Your choice!

A nice parting gift...

When you don't know how to say "we're done,"
serve her a nice cup of, "Move on, I did."

Emphasis on "sin."

That about sums it up.

Let's just clear up what tonight means.
(And PS - If only the "made in the USA" stamp was included...)

When sublety is not your thing,
place this under his cold brew around 2:41pm in the afternoon.

I DO heart NY!

Oui!

Perfect for a little one who still
loves you unconditionally (for now).

And there you have it! From me to you, enjoy your VD! (HAHAHHAHAHAA! It never gets old.)

SHOP THE NEW OLD BIDDY'S CAFEPRESS STORE NOW!

Also - check out different products (same designs) on Zazzle - necklaces and keychains!

Make personalized gifts at Zazzle.

An Experiment To Calm My Nerves

2011-02-03T23:16:00.000-05:00

Today was an incredibly stressful day. My dear little pooch, Matilda, who is 12-years-old and suffering from congestive heart failure, became quite sick. In short, barf-city. In between my own panic attacks and holding her ears while she ralphed up her guts, I played with paint. (I never said I was mature.)

If you refer to the blog entry below, you'll see that I've started playing with how to add texture to paint. One way is to let a plastic bag dry on the wet paint. Odd, but quite effective. When I removed the bag, I noticed that some of the paint from the bag had transfered into the painting. It was a happy surprise as well as a trigger for today's experiment.

Today I took a regular plastic bag from the grocery store (Westside Market, hollah!) and cut it up into sections. I then painted a concentration of wet paint in the area I wanted the bag's print to transfer. This is how the piece started:

And this is the final piece - 10 hours later:

I deconstructed the bag into many different parts and made a collage. Needless to say, I'm very inspired by this and am now on the hunt for plastic bags with interesting prints/colors! Thoughts on what stores you know that have great bags? (PS - I know that asking for plastic bags is practically begging for an email from Green Peace or whatever organization that is eco friendly, but come on, it's in the name of art so it can't be all bad, right??)

Final note: Miss Matilda is better-ish. After a ($171) vet visit, she has been diagnosed with having a virus. (Possibly even contracting the stomach bug I had last weekend.) She's very dehydrated but because of her heart condition they can not give her fluids. So they gave her anti-nausea meds. Now we hope and wait. Tomorrow I can introduce food and water to her again and hope it stays inside her body. Oy.

So do expect a crap load of art work coming up. It's all I can do to keep my mind from wandering into that horrible place minds go when your elderly dog is sick.

Matilda (aka Doodle Bug)

First Painting for Etsy Store!

2011-02-02T11:55:00.000-05:00

Behold... the first painting for my Etsy Store is finished!

You want me, I know you want me.

It's acrylic on a 14x18 canvas panel. There are 3 layers of paint, each drying under a squished up plastic bag that adds amazing texture when peeled off.

Trust me, there's a lot of awesome under here.

For the store I will have better picture - just wanted to give you a preview of what's to come! Squee!

Even Newborns Need Art... No Really, They Do

2011-01-30T23:25:00.000-05:00

Many people believe that bright colors are best for newborns... however, that is not so! But this isn't common knowledge which is why after I sent my mother an email with my latest paintings for a friend's baby shower, she sent back: "Aren't they a little dark?"

Okay, so these would probably also look good on Tim Burton's wall.

Fact: Babies actually can only see shades of black and white, not bright colors. And it's been proven that black and white (high contrast) art is the best for a newborn's development. I watched this first hand as my newborn nephew, Nate, marveled at the book, Art for Baby, (a compilation of high contrast art from contemporary artists). Nate had his favorite pictures and his least favorite. His favorite was a picture of dots in many different shades of black and gray. He would coo, work his hands and focus for long periods of time on this picture. The pictures that bored him (and there were a few) would cause his eyes to wander and he would make his bored sound (aka "cry"). I'd like to note that MY least favorite, along with Nate's, was that of a overly simply drawn carrot that was titled, "Untitled." No, for real. "Untitled." AHEM: It's clearly a carrot! How is that sort of vaguery good for a baby?! It teaches indecision while teaching focus! What a dichotomy! Sheesh!

ANYHOO... back to the subject of this blog: ME. These new creations of mine are part of a series I've created called "Cute As a Button." The buttons on these paintings add dimension and pattern contrast. Plus they make them cute as a button for little ones.

Rainclouds!

Rain Drops

And for babies/toddlers who have mastered focus, I have this line in technicolor:

Cute As A Button!

Let me know if you like these paintings as I'm starting to put together my Etsy store and I'm getting a handle on what people want/demand. And let's face it, babies are DEMANDING. And they need art that isn't a dopey yellow bear whose surname is that of a turd. I'm just asking, does that not bother ANYBODY ELSE OUT THERE? Sigh...

New Painting!

2011-01-21T22:05:00.001-05:00

I had the WHOLE day off today. I'd looked for jobs, submitted a bunch of resumes the days before and had no shows tonight. So naturally, I balanced my checkbook, cleaned, organized and read to orphans. I kid! I hate orphans! (More kidding!) I used today to paint... and man, it felt good.

When I was home last I was drawn to this photo my mom had taken in Iceland and framed:

Isn't that beautiful?? Mama Eolin has a really good eye. (She took about 390348309438930438 photos, and that's just from last year...) It kinda already looks like a painting to me, which is maybe why I HAD to paint it.

So first step: SKETCH.

Fascinating, right? I use a charcoal pencil to roughly gauge where everything will go. I know this looks like a child did it, but it took me an hour. 45 minutes was just looking at the picture and then looking at my canvas, then looking at the picture again, then back at the canvas. (Where's my Icy/Hot??)

Second step: Start to color block.

SQUEE! So this process takes a few hours. Figuring out colors and paint strokes, as well as fixing anything that doesn't look right proportionally along the way as once the next layer goes on, it's harder to fix anything I don't like.

Step three: Landscaping!

The grassy hills are in the style of Van Gogh, or at least my interpretation of Van Gogh. I love his brush strokes and how he translated what he saw through paint. I want to be just like him but without the bucket of crazy and just go around that whole bit about giving body parts to hookers and suicide. (WHY are painters so messed up? Thank GOODNESS I'm so rational and even keel..... right?!?!)

Now the details and voila... It's done!!

I started painting at 1pm and finished at 9:30pm. (A few breaks in there along the way... this biddy needs her tea, thankyouverymuch.) I have a bunch of other photos from the same town that my mom sent me, so I'm hoping I'll be able to get to those SOON! And hey, if I remain unemployed, yes, I will get to them sooner than later.

(NOTE: Not sure if this is for sale yet. If so, I'll be posting it in my future Etsy store.)

By the way, I've watched the following art movies/docs lately and all have been fascinating (and are avail on Netflix):

* The Art of the Steal

* Exit Through The Gift Shop

* Frida

* Pollock

* Beautiful Losers

I also just started reading Steve Martin's latest novel set in the art world, An Object of Beauty. SO GOOD.

Okay, time to clean up the studio (read: "kitchen") and sit on the couch for an unauthorized amount of time and think about WHY my overhead neighbors must stomp when they walk. Why can't they sit down too? Sigh...

Acting: It's What's not Paying For My Dinner (...but that's okay)

2011-01-14T13:54:00.000-05:00

"Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing."

-- Sir Ralph Richardson

Simply put: I like acting. It's the ultimate game of pretend and quick frankly, had "playing pretend" ever been an Olympic sport, you would have found my quirky visage on a box of Wheaties.

I remember the moment when I wanted to act. I was in fifth grade and had just watched The Karate Kid and was spellbound by 1) Ralph Macchio's good looks and 2) how moved I was by the acting. (And yes, now you know how much the 'mumble' stands for in thirty-mumble-years-old is, shut up.) I held my precious copy of Teen Beat magazine in my tiny hands and sobbed. I walked up to my mother as she was making up my sister's bed. I stammered at her, "I want to be an actor." Being the awesome lady that she is, my mom calmly replied back, "YOU WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!" Ha! I kid! She said, "Well you can join drama club next year when you start middle school." Tears of passion turned to tears of joy and I happily skipped back into my room to survey my wallpaper made entirely of Ralph Macchio with guest appearances by Michael J. Fox. ("The Coreys," River Phoenix, Kirk Cameron, Rick(y) Schroeder and Jason Bateman came a little later in my interior design scheme...)

Fast forward to middle school! I made it into the drama club and auditioned for a few comedy sketches. I was good! I made people giggle! But the GROUCH OF A BAD WORD lady who ran the club HATED my guts wouldn't cast me in anything. (I have no solid proof why she didn't like me but my guess is because she didn't believe in television and my dad ran a television station. Yeah, messed up, right?) Anyway, I was banished to the back line of the chorus for the opening act which was a rousing rendition of "There's No Business Like Show Business." (And by 'rousing' I mean, 'disjointed.') I was seen on stage for about 4.5 seconds. I wore knee socks. That's all I remember of the show.

In 7th grade I applied to be in the drama club again and was flatly rejected. This meant I couldn't audition for any shows that the school produced. Understatement: I was devastated.

In high school I was in marching band and couldn't audition/participate in the fall play due to scheduling. I never auditioned for the spring musical because, well... if you've had the misfortune of sitting with me in a car while I "sing" to the radio, you know why. (And I apologize to your ear drums and sense of good taste.)

I let my passion for acting go at the time and sunk into writing. I'd always been a good writer and now that I hadn't been able to get on stage when I was fearless, writing better suited my now shy and withdrawn personality. (No, for real, I barely spoke. Unlike now, which I'm getting to so simmer down.)

Fast forward (again) to 1999. I'm in LA and working in sitcoms, hoping to be a writer. But, my shyness is still VERY apparent and I knew I'd never make it in a writers' room which was basically a joke factory. I could barely say my own name, much less pitch a joke to a room full of people. Friends of mine were doing improv and suggested I take it just to help get over being so shy. With the tune, You're the Best Around, bouncing around my head (and lagging self-esteem), I signed up for my first class at TheatreSports LA.

In short, when I started improv, I WAS HORRIBLE. (I also would stand in the parking lot for a half hour before each class and debate whether or not to quit, throw up or both.) I could barely speak or move and was so sure that everybody was judging me harshly. I was so inside my own fear that I couldn't see anything really going on around me. Thankfully, I had amazing teachers who held my hand when they needed to and yelled when they needed to. One made me cry! And it was the best day of my life.

Let's fast forward one last time to 2011. For those of you who know me now, "shyness" isn't a word you would use to describe me; however, "she could shut up from time to time" might be a phrase you would quickly blurt out. Improv gave helped me find the confidence I had in life before being shut down in middle school. It also gave me a way to combine acting and writing.

This brings me to the fact that 13 (holy shit!) years later, I'm living as I wanted to in 6th grade: on stage. I've been doing improv professionally for over 10 years and in the past 6 have gotten into scripted acting. I LOVE IT. All of it.

So this brings me to the sales pitch part of this blog: JOIN MY CULT! No, I mean, please come see me in my first off-off-Broadway appearance in NYC! (And by the way, off-off Broadway has nothing to do with location, it has to do with theatre size and ticket sales. Otherwise this would be "off-off-2-subways-later-and-bring-a-snack Broadway.)

I'm part of the 6th Annual One Act Festival in Long Island City. (Click here for details, directions, etc.) I'm in two one acts that are both comedies and play on different nights. So if you want to see both, you have to buy 2 tickets. (I didn't make the rules!)

So here's the details on the shows:

"The True Story" is during Program 2:
1/13 Thursday- 8pm
1/15 Saturday - 8pm
1/20 Thursday - 8pm
1/22 Saturday - 3pm

"Cookie Darling" is during Program 3:
1/14 Friday - 8pm
1/16 Sunday - 8pm
1/19 Wednesday - 8pm
1/22 Saturday - 8pm

Both one acts I'm in are comedies! "The True Story" is 14 minutes and just as a teaser I will tell you that I have 2 accents, 2 dialects and an interpretive dance piece. If that doesn't entice you, then I can't help you. "Cookie Darling" is a longer piece which is probably around 20+ minutes or so. It's very funny as I have to play sexy, which for any of you who know me well, know is just inherently (and awkwardly) funny.

I hope you can make it! Based on audience VOTING, the top one acts will continue on to a finals week! So please come and vote!

Yes, acting doesn't pay the bills (and may never) but it makes me happy. I enjoy the laughter of the audience. I enjoy that we had that experience together, but moreover, I enjoy the discount at the concessions stand and keep hoping to find Ralph Macchio in the audience. Sweep the knee!

NEW CafePress Items - UPDATED!

2010-12-19T13:42:00.000-05:00

"SQUEEE!"

-- Jennifer Eolin

My holiday store at CafePress was such a success that I've been inspired to do more! (Insert collective applause here, followed by sighs of relief and the dull roar of thousands of happy fists bapping gently together.)

I've put up postcards and blank note cards (perfect for thank-you notes!) as well as mugs and tote bags. The process this time was really satisfying.

A sneaky way to make sure dining out is the only option:
Cover the dining room table with crafty stuff.
(PS - The sushi dinner was delicious.)

I've accrued A LOT more supplies since my holiday batch, as you can see above. (I personally am keeping Michaels Art Store open on the upper west side these days.) I did all the designs myself using stamps and hand coloring in the ink. Then my super-cute-and-talented Manfriend helped get the quality just right using his super fancy computer thingy. (He understands computers. I understand blogging. Big difference.)

What is posted in the shop today is just the start! (And more than is posted here in the blog.) There are still more designs in the hopper that will come out very soon. Enjoy!

Bouquet of Red Roses note card

Bouquet of Blue Mums note card

Tree park inspired by Central Park

Bouquet of Chyrsanthemums

UPDATED: More designs!
(All designs offered on a variety of products,
these are just samples.)

Wildflowers magnet

"Thank you" Owl note card

Thank you note card with sunflower

"Thank You" Polar Bear note card

Cherry Blossoms in Central Park in Springtime!

Check out my CafePress store for more designs and options!! Squeeee!

Does Not Compute

2010-12-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

As a blogger, I like to see what keywords are bringing people to my page. (Thankfully, "complete idiot" and "weirdo" are NOT keywords used to find me. Yet.) And I as I read the list I thought, "Holy candy canes, what the hell did I blog about that led people here with THAT combination of words?" Here are some examples of noggin scratchers:

* "Burlap lingerie"

* "Craig The Freak live"

* "Sugar Brown get tall"

And my favorite:

* "Smiley face fuck you"

I can only someday hope that I read the article about the Craig The Freak: LIVE show in which Sugar Brown wears burlap lingerie in the highest heels possible and sings his new song, "Smiley Face Fuck You." Ah, to dream....

Overheard in New York: The New Old Biddy Edition

2010-12-08T11:56:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite websites right now is Overheard in New York. Click the link and laugh your ass off, you'll thank me later. (Seriously, I'll expect a thank you note penned in fanciful calligraphy, complete with statements complimenting my persona and visage. Shut up, I have needs.) And since I've been living in NYC for almost a year now (GASP), I wanted to share my OWN "overheard in New York" conversations.

I know: SQUEE!

I can see my house from here!
Photo credit: Sam O'Hare.
Please visit his photo site HERE.

So here they are - please enjoy! And make sure to open up your own ears in your neck of the woods and share YOUR own "Overheard in _____" stories!

Overheard on the street... A group of kids walking down the street at night, having a loud conversation: One of the guys says to another: "You is damn lucky its yo birthday or I'dda pushed you in the sandwich shop." Yes. Lucky indeed.

Overheard on the subway... A very drunk 30-something-guy drinking vodka right out of the (plastic flask) bottle listening to his iPod and LOUDLY singing and crying in German, "The world! THE WORLD!" (And PS, "world" was pronounced "vorld.") To top off this picture, he was sitting next to a granola-woman dressed in all natural fibers wearing a pin that said: "I heart mountains." It. Was. Awesome.

Observed on the street... A black Rolls Royce Phantom patrolling the streets of the Upper West Side with the license plate that reads: "A MASTER." Master "what," I wonder.... (Insert easy joke here.)

Overheard on the street.... A 20-something girl and guy are walking down the street. The girl is obviously midstory and is yelling: "So they all hated me! All of them! They all hated me all the time!" The look on the guy's face she was with confirmed that her statement was mistakenly spoken in the past tense.

Overheard on the street.... Two gregarious girls sauntering down the street with a bag of booze. The one girl is singing: "3 bottle of wine in the bag! 3 bottles of wine! Take them down and pass them around and then we're going to die!" Not exactly Darwin's theory, but okay....

Overheard on the street.... Two guys in suits walking briskly down the street and one says to the other: "...I mean if relationship stuff comes up, that's great, but I will only date strippers." Um... At least he's open to a relationship...?

Spoken to me on the street... While walking my dog, a homeless guy says: "Hey beautiful lady, I'll walk your dog if you walk me." No, thanks. You're not my type.

Overheard in a restaurant.... A middle-aged man and woman sitting at a table, chatting over coffee about their lives. She asks him about a job interview to which he responds: "Am I going to the job interview in Princeton? Of course not! It'll take DAYS to drive there. I mean Phili is 2 hours away." I didn't realize there were 2 hours in a day. Learn something new every day, or every 2 hours, depending on how you quantify it.

Overheard on the subway... 2 students sitting together: "Your sophomore year is about the time you realize you're not a freshman anymore." *facepalm*

Overheard on the street.... A very agitated man YELLING into his cell phone: "So you don't know if the movie is on Demand or not?!" Guy has his priorities apparently...

Encountered on the street... I was walking home from work when a guy got in my face and yelled his greeting at me: "HEY BLACK MAN!" I was tempted to yell back: "HEY WHITE GIRL!" but you know... that would be wrong.

Overheard in a restaurant... A man and woman eating dinner, the man is talking about his new cell phone: "I got Google Maps but I don't know how to use Google Maps. I need a 12-year-old to teach me how to use the Google Maps." He should carpool with the guy who thinks it takes a day to get to Princeton.

And finally..... I overheard this one this summer with my friend, Julia. NOTE: It's not nice. It's not PC. It's not clean. BUT it's so hilarious. We doubled over laughing for about 10 minutes. We just couldn't contain ourselves. So please read with caution and remember, like a 2-year-old, I'm just repeating what I heard an adult say....

Overheard on the street.... A large African-American guy is standing in front of a movie theatre, nonchalantly going over the listings to his friend on the other end of his cell phone, "The Blindside: you know the one where the Sandra Bullock plays the benevolent white cunt who saves the retard."

You. Are. Welcome.

I Should Open My Own Mall...

2010-11-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

And here's another store!

Zazzle has ornaments and postage to compliment the items available on my holiday store on Cafe Press!

So let's review:

Homemade Original Holiday Cards can be ordered/viewed HERE.

Cafe Press Holiday Store is HERE.

Zazzle Holiday Store is HERE.

THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT!

Happy Holidays!

2010-11-29T10:47:00.000-05:00

"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them by Christmas."

-- Johnny Carson

For those of you who have been reading my blog for years, you know a few things about me:

* I like tea, hoodies, dogs and Project Runway (the Bravo years)

* I used to be a reality show writer/producer but then had what can best be described as a "complete mental breakdown brought on by a fit of good taste" and left the industry all together.

* I really like to paint and create things that delight me and make me say, "Squeeee!"

* I tend to overuse the word, "Squeeee!"

In the past few years I've tackled painting as aggressively as one can who still needs a day job to pay rent. (STUPID RENT!) My latest venture is creating art through the medium of stamping. (Not postage stamps. Stampy stamps.) I admit, I really like it!

If you've been living under a rock, you missed that I am making HANDMADE stamped holiday cards! You can see the blog here with the descriptions and an order form located at the bottom of the entry. My LATEST venture was to turn my favorite holiday stamp prints into items available on my CafePress Store!

Perfect for coal!

There are mugs, ornaments, coasters, magnets, stockings (as in Christmas, not as in No Nonsense), baby bibs, baby hoodies, baby hats, aprons and postcards. Lots of different prints too!

The yellow ones don't stop.
Not even for tea.

Penguins!

A winter wonderland ornament!

A much better option than a fully bunny outfit,
ala Christmas Story.

Baby hat! One size fits all!
(I bet it would even fit my tiny melon...)

This is just a small sampling - lots of products with different designs! Please enjoy my Cafe Press Store this Cyber Monday and help keep this artistic biddy artistic. If I have to go back to reality television, I will blame you. (I'm not petty....)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

UPDATED: Holiday Cards!

2010-11-09T20:10:00.003-05:00

I love making many things. Like making jokes, making cereal, and making noise. (Not necessarily in that order, however.) But my favorite thing to make is art, in whatever form it happens to appear in my life. Mostly, it's been in the form of paintings, but today, it's HOLIDAY CARDS!

Take THAT, Hallmark!

I've been collecting "holiday" stamps along the way this season and have made these holiday card prototypes. That's right, these babies are for sale! And in plenty of time for the holidays. ALL are handmade by me, so each will be unique. Also all will be dated with the year and signed by me on the back.

PLEASE NOTE: As these are prototypes, (meaning I made them on my floor just now), they are not perfect. All purchased cards will not have smudges. Scout's honor. (PS - I was kicked out of Girl Scouts. Just saying...)

UPDATE 11/15/10 - NEW CARD - Seasons Greetings Penguins!

I like penguins. And so do my readers!
Lots of requests for a penguin card.

The inside is "Seasons Greetings" in red ink.

And here's what a bundled pack of 10 cards looks like - all ready to ship!

I FINALLY have an excuse to buy ribbon. FINALLY.

And here are the 5 originally posted cards in detail:

NEW YORK CITY - Holiday Card:

EXACTLY what NYC is like during the holidays.
Except the cabs aren't so orderly.

Inside NYC card

EVERGREENS - Holiday card:

I love Evergreens! Even when it's summer these
trees still say "holidays" to me.

Inside Evergreens holiday card

CHRISTMAS TREE - Christmas card:

Only one present. It is a recession, you know...

Inside Christmas Tree card

PEACEFUL WOODS - Holiday Card:

The Peace Dove is flying south for the winter.

Inside Peaceful Woods card

REINDEER - Christmas / Holiday Card:

When I was a kid, I got reindeer and moose mixed up.
I'm happy to report that I'm better now.

Inside Reindeer card

Cards are 10 for $20 (plus shipping). YOU CAN ORDER ANY COMBINATION OF THESE CARDS THAT YOU WANT! All of just one card? Sure! 3 of 1, 3 of another and 4 of another? Yeppers.

If you buy 10 for $20, your second batch is 10 for $15

and your third and subsequent orders are 10 for $10!

ALL orders can be placed through this order form (WHICH IS NOW CLOSED).

(All email address will remain private - no spam here!)

Payments will be made through PayPal. I will start production on your order only after I receive the money via PayPal.

I will also entertain special orders - if you'd like to swap "insides" of cards out for another one you see, totes fine. Just let me know.

THANK YOU in advance for ordering! If you don't order any, then whatevers. We're still cool, but you WILL get a holiday lump of coal in your email stocking from a grumpy biddy...

Sometimes I have to brag...

2010-10-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

If you've been reading my blog for a long time you know that my family is very dear to me. Well sometimes I just have to brag about them because they are just SO amazing not only as people, but as TALENTED people. My brother-in-law, Sam O'Hare, is the creator of two amazing short films that utilize the "tilt shift" technique. Please take a few minutes to watch his latest short film, Coachelletta, his view of Coachella from this past spring.

Coachelletta from Sam O'Hare on Vimeo.

And if you like that (which you surely did), please watch his first film, The Sandpit, which has gone on to win awards and will be screened at AFI in LA next month:

The Sandpit from Sam O'Hare on Vimeo.

You can read more about Sam's process on The Sandpit and Coachelletta on his director rep's blog.

Enjoy!

There Goes My Free Time...

2010-09-20T11:10:00.000-04:00

RIP Project Runway Blog...

2010-08-24T13:16:00.000-04:00

It is with great sadness that we inform you that the Project Runway portion of The New Old Biddy's blog has passed away. It lived a good life for many seasons up until the end.

However, please join us on the discussion page where Project Runway continues to live and thrive. Also make sure to check out Blogging Project Runway for all your blog fixes. (It's okay, The New Old Biddy's Project Runway blog would want you to continue to live your life.)

The New Old Biddy was overheard telling officials earlier today, "I'm very sorry for not being able to keep this aspect of my blog alive, but life changes, and my blog needs to reflect that. Now please respect my need for privacy as I grieve for my loss."

In lieu of flowers, please send comments of condolence below.

Robots - Episode 4 is up!

2010-08-20T00:16:00.000-04:00

YAY! Finally, a new Robots episode. Enjoy episode #4: "Bellybutton." Or don't. I don't care. It's your life. (Actually, I do care. Don't listen to me. Or do. It's your life.)

A Delay...

2010-08-15T20:40:00.000-04:00

Readers, gather 'round!

Due to life, work, work, life and work, my Project Runway blog will be delayed this week. I KNOW! This angers you. It angers me too, but I can't pay my rent with smiles, so work I must.

"Make it work, Biddy.

I can't wait to hear what you have to say about my wooly balls."

In the meantime, do head over to Blogging Project Runway to read other fans' recaps! So many points of view on things and different styles of humor. GO GO GO!

Project Runway - Season 8 - Episode 2 - "Dire Straight(s)"

2010-08-09T14:26:00.000-04:00

Last week: Guess what, designers, you're still auditioning, the show hasn't officially started yet even though its on the air! With just 5 hours and a piece of clothing from a fellow designer's suitcase, Gretchen walks away with the first (non) win and McKell is (non) auf'd for knowing how to sew, but choosing an ugly purse. Yep, that seems fair.

Anybody else think this year the show should be called "Project Styling" because none of the judges seem concerned with the doofus (Jason) who can't freakin' sew.

***

Hello, readers! Welcome to my thoughts on Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo.

First up, biddy needs to rant: Oh hooray, another 90 minute episode. 90 minutes. 9.0. Holy thimbles, this is a long show. Look, I get why they made the show longer, we all complained last season that we weren't seeing enough story in the workroom and that the final runway show went by way too fast at the end of every episode. I get it. I also get that Models of the Runway had its problems and needed to go as its own show. HOWEVER, I miss knowing the models. I miss their behind the scene stories on the designers and their wispy opinions of the clothes they wear and if their Piperlime accessories were thoughtfully chosen or not. They added color to the workroom and let us know some behind the scenes stuff about the designers. Now that they are back to being walking mannequins, their silence is deafening.

Still ranting, Part 2: , I was talking to a fellow PR watcher/sufferer from LA Friday night and he had the observation: "Did you notice that the show open has Heidi saying, 'For these 17 designers...' I thought the first episode didn't 'count' so isn't it 16 designers?" And right you are, sir. McKell was apparently not even part of Season 8, even though she was in the (non) show opener of Season 8. (Maybe it was all just a dream? Were we all incepted??) So with that logic, the show open should say 16 designers, not 17. (Although, all 17 stand behind Heidi as she says this... yes, I counted.) Yes? No? I dunno. Either way, the Producers biffed the logic of what was going on in the first episode if I have to dedicate an entire paragraph which could have been summed up with the statement: "Say wha--?" followed by some uncontrolled drooling and rolling around on the floor while chirping like a dolphin. (What? You don't do that?)

Hmph. Onwards.

The show opens as the designers wake up in the Atlas apartments. (Nobody is making bacon without their shirt on, I'd like to note.) April calls Peach her "surrogate mother." Um.... yeah? She's gestationally carrying you right now? Yeah? A'ight. I'd use the word "adoptive" or "proxy" but that's just me. Meanwhile in the boys' room, Nicholas points out that Andy South has an air brush for his make-up application, and Mondo sulks in the bathroom about not making friends. Wheeeeeeeee.

Time to head out and get their challenge!

Up on the roof, the designers ponder when the Producers

gave up on originally locations for issuing challenges.

UGH! Really? Episode 2 and we're on a roof? Shiz! Okay, keep it together, Biddy, maybe they are going to get a relevant challenge that has to do with being on a roof. Like, "be inspired by the skyline of NYC" or "the sky is your inspiration" or "if a roof was a dress, what would that look like?" kind of thing. Or... design a look for the typical Marie Claire woman. Gack.

Tim: "I assert that the editor from Marie Claire wearing high waisted Mom capris."

Heidi: "Yeah and I'm wearing leggings. Deal with it, old man."

The winner will have their look put on a billboard in Times Square. Okay, not a bad win at all, however, having just walked through Times Square last night, (THANKS, MTA for your f'ed up weekend schedule!) I can tell you that I was too busy fighting tourists to notice anything on a billboard, much less anything above knee level.

Back to Parsons to sketch...

Mondo wishes he had a Wonder Twin

so he could activate his superhero cuff.

Michael D: "I read it for the articles. I swear."

Jason pretends to sketch when really he's drawing up a plan

to steal Mondo and Michael's hats, because there can only be ONE hat guy.

During Tim Gunn's critique, Jason shows just really how much of an ass-clown he is. He's just a douche. There, I said it. He doesn't care about anybody's opinion other than his (misguided) own and is so arrogant and entitled that he makes Paris Hilton look like a peg-legged beggar in Calcutta. I don't like him. Nope. Not at all.

At this point Tim tells the designers about a second element to their challenge. (But he doesn't say "Designers, gather 'round," which made me sad.) He tells them that they will have a photo shoot before the runway. Jason gets his straight wad all in a tizzy about not having enough time to finish his look and I swear he really thinks he's the only person in this competition.

Back to sewing....

April: "How's it going, Gestational Mom?"

Peach: "I'm going to buy you a dictionary for Christmas."

Sarah and Kristin marvel at how they are photo negatives of each other.

They also marvel at how little air time they have received.

Models come in for their fittings and Casanova bothers everyone by asking for their opinions. Peach is on outfit number 393043843. Let's gestate some confidence, lady!

Mondo continues to weave a cocoon of solitude around himself and then tells us that it's his talent that curses him socially. Um... everyone else in the room with talent (sans Jason) is able to make friends, Mondo. Just say, "hi," to someone. I swear it'll be okay.

Nicholas complains that his model has big boobs. SHUT UP. I'm just so over designers complaining about models having ANY body fat. SHUT. UP. It's Season 8. Find something new to complain about! (So that I may also find something new to complain about...)

Back at Atlas, HOW do the designers have time to chat and drink wine when they have to get up in like 4 hours? HOW? Oh I'm old. That little sleep would kill me.

DAY #2! Time for the photoshoot and then the runway!

"I love how these lobster trap shoes make my legs look so thick!"

SAFE:

Christopher:

LOVE this look and LOVE this model. Great pose and great runway walk and she OWNS this outfit. Oh it doesn't hurt that Mr. Hotness made this outfit either. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Love fest for the Biddy. Mwah!

MICHAEL C (without the hat):

Tim Gunn called this matronly, but I sorta like it. It's super short which is anything but matronly. I think it has a soft sophistication as well as youthfulness. I like but could never wear it for fear of the Age Appropriate Police taking me away...

A.J.:

So the Marie Claire woman wants to be a bumblebee? Bleh. And let's talk make-up for a second since styling is so important (all of a sudden) this year. BOOO! Too dark! And too many necklaces! BOO! And the weird boxiness around the belt is awkward, but AJ saw that on the runway and noted that it looked like she was impregnated by an alien. I like AJ, I feel like he has a critical eye and can see that his design has flaws, which means he'll only keep getting better.

MICHAEL D (wears a hat):

Interesting. Sewn well, looks good, until she turns around...

<------------- WOW that is short: "I see London, I see France, I don't think she's wearing underpants."

IVY:

Zzzzzzzzz. Boring. BUT, if I were in the bottom in the first episode, I'd probably go super safe in the next. So I get it. Come on, Ivy! Show us what you got!

SARAH:

No. I don't like it. The seems look puckered, the edging is odd and the skirt looks off center. BUT I do like the matching purse she made to go with it. THAT is awesome and is probably what saved the outfit since she thought about styling and went the extra distance.

ANDY:

I kinda like this. The pants I would never wear, but the look nice on a stick thin model. (Also, there's no crazy crotch! HUZZAH!) I love these colors together and I LOVE that the model is smiling! (Sarah's model above could take a lesson and loosen up on that SCOWL.) The blouse is interesting as you can wear it sleeveless (runway) or with sleeves (photograph). Nice - I like a lot!

CASANOVA:

If I were a 25-year-old Mother Of the Bride, this would be perfect. But I'm not, and NOBODY SHOULD BE, so this is just a well done matronly miss.

KRISTIN:

Meh. The side/hem looks like a mistake and the ruffle looks old and stuffy. But there are way worse designs, so this is safe. Which we already knew since I'm sure most of you are saying, "Wait, to the F is Kristin, again? Is she still on the show?" Yeah...

APRIL:

OKAY - were the designers only allowed gray, purple, black or yellow in this challenge??? What's up with the color choices??

This look is way boring because I find the model boring. She looks the same in her pic as she does on the runway. I don't like the big bun on top and the top of the dress is just too fussy. Not something I'd go for.

WINNER:

GRETCHEN - again!

This outfit looks better in the photo shoot than the runway. Straight on she's got battle ship hips. I think this look won because the model is so strong in her photograph.

It's a love fest for Gretchen. They love it all. Heidi of course loves that you can unzip the front to show off the boobs. Oh Heidi, a boob girl to the end.

TOP 2:

VALERIE:

LOVE. Simple, yet innovative and the color is bold and awesome. Also, this model is fabulous. The pic is great and she rocks the runway. The pleating details are amazing. Tailored beautifully. LOVE. In my opinion, this should have WON.

Valerie explains that she wanted simple, NY and elegant. Nailed it! The judges love the dress and agree that it will look sensational on a billboard.

MONDO:

Huh. LOVE the photography but the overall look is WAY too busy for my taste. And is that a piece of Peach's dress in her front ruffle??

Mondo based his look upon the opening credits of Mary Tyler Moore which speaks to the editor of Marie Claire because that show inspired her to move to the US. They love the energy and bounce of the whole look and the graphic texture.

I have to be honest, it looks like cheap Forever 21 to me. I'm I wrong?

"I don't need your approval, you dumb Biddy,

as the judges like me. They really like me.

Despite these glasses, they like me."

ALMOST AUF'D...

PEACH:

First, this model is as dull as a tire with a slow leak. She gave Peach NOTHING during the photo shoot and she's pretty bland on the runway, which doens't help Peach as she needs a kick ass model who can own the look and sell it as well. This model merely wears it. Not good enough.

Peach likes polka dots as they say "youth" to her. Heidi lets her know that she has completely missed the mark on the Marie Claire woman by saying: "This looks like ladies at lunch." Kors calls it an Amish cocktail dress.

But let's chat about the back of the dress:

The editor for Marie Claire said it looks like there's an animal slithering down her back. Poor Peach. She thinks this is the best part of the dress!

I gotta lay it down: I love Peach. I want Peach to go far in this competition. BUT in the words of Sir Gunn, "I'm worried."

AUF'D:

JASON - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO GLAD HE'S GONE. He yaks about how this dress has the infinity symbol in it but all I see is a hot mess. Styling is terrible, fit is terrible and her BELLY BUTTON is showing through the safety pins in the photograph.

The judges are just baffled: this would look like crap on a billboard and nobody that reads Marie Claire would wear this look, unless they are homeless and found the issue in a dumpster. THIS IS TERRIBLE. Kors likens it to a satin bedspread or a "walk of shame" dress. (I always pack a separate shitty dress to walk home in, how smart Kors...) The judges continue to just degrade Jason and the dress but Jason is impervious and tells them that this is "him for Marie Claire." Dumb bunny. He then starts tugging on the dress and Heidi asks: "What are you doing now? Showing us her underwear?"

My guess - Jason was brought on the show for his character, not his sewing skills. And now he's gone. He's so gone that he didn't wait for Tim Gunn to tell him to clean up his work space, he just bolted.

I really wish there was a soundbite or two or twelve from his poor model. She rolled her eyes and looked SOOOO uncomfortable. I'd have loved to hear what she had to say!

BUT WAIT ... also auf'd is NICHOLAS!!! What?! Heidi said: "ONE OF YOU WILL BE OUT." Not two!!!

But I like Nicolas! Yeah, this outfit is weird and the hole in the back is odd... BUT AT LEAST BOYFRIEND CAN SEW and has never resorted to staples and safety pins. I think eliminating him in the same round as Jason is really a slap in the face to Nicholas. Sigh...

The judges hate it. It's too much, the skirt is weird, the cape is ugly and the aforementioned hole in the back is... odd.

YIPES. I agree. BAD. But for some reason, I don't think Nicholas should be going home this challenge. He's just nowhere near as bad as Jason was.

I felt AWFUL for Nicholas started to cry. AWFUL. He was so sweet and I like him. That was just sad and a little heartstring pulling. Whah.

Later on... Gretchen gets to see her photo shoot which IS NOT with her model but with a professional model named Coco Rocha. (Boy, that's gotta sting her model who won it for her on the runway!)

"Suck it."

And then... does this look like a billboard or a banner wrapped around a lonely building?

Where's Ryan Seacrest and the New Year's Ball?

Where's the M&M store? WHERE IS TIMES SQUARE?!

Sigh...

That's all for this week... next week looks CRAZY. Unconventional item challenge! Designer strife! And ... who leaves via ambulance?!?

TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!

*******

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Project Runway - Season 8 - Episode 1 - "And We're Baaaaaaaaaack!"

2010-07-30T23:27:00.000-04:00

Is it me or was that the shortest hiatus ever? Granted, I've been busier than Tim Gunn at a Macy's suit sale, but still, it seems like just yesterday Seth Aaron was crowned the (obvious) Season 7 winner:

"But enough time has passed that you forgot

about my horribly out of control faux hawk, didn't you?"

Either way, it's a new season so let's get to it!

First up - the format change!

Now the show is 90 minutes, thanks to Models of the Runway being auf'd by the network. Interesting. I'll miss MOTR only because we got to know the models a bit better and had more people to root for. So far, there's not much incorporation of the models names or anything in PR yet. (The only fun fact we learn this episode about our uber-skinny friends is that one gal has "big boobs for a model." Wheeeeee.) But I'll let it slide for this episode as there were 179340834 designers to introduce, so we'll see how that plays out down the line.

Another format change is that there are now soundbites from Frau Heidi and Herr Gunn. I enjoyed this change, however the opening where they summed up each contestant in a quick bite was jarring. It was a montage of a bunch of names and faces I didn't know and with a blitzkrieg of information my OCD brain didn't know how to categorize and store. It was not helpful, it was disjointed and panic inducing: "Was that it? Was that all the introduction we get?!" (But during this part, Heidi says "figger" instead of "figure." This has nothing to do with anything other than I think it's absolutely adorsables.)

I enjoyed that the new designers all met in different parts of the city (instead of the tired meeting in the apartment and champagne on the roof bull honkey for the past 7 seasons) but sadly this too felt quite produced. BUT! I do have to hand it to the producers, they TRIED to make it different. They listened. We, the audience, were bored to tears. We blogged, tweeted and yell-typed about it last season until our fingers and social media devices bled. So they tried and for that, I approve. (Because I know they were waiting with baited breath to see if I did or not... you know, because my opinion matters SO MUCH...)

The Characters:

Let's just talk about the stand-outs, shall we? Let's start with Casanova. Or as I like to call him, "The New Ping."

"Casanova is my real last name.

Not my fake one. Which is Smith."

This guy is out of his league. I said it. I have no idea if it's due to his loose grasp on the English language, the culture differences or that his pants are too tight and cutting off blood to his brain, but my lord this guy is in trouble in my early (and humble!) opinion.

(NOTE: Remember that I can not sew. I can not design and I certainly can not style myself. But I can pass judgement like a champ.)

Next up in the clown parade, Mondo:

"If Orville Redenbacher and John Leguizamo had a baby,

it'd be me. Cheese!"

Quiet, soft spoken and odd. A little like Malvin from last season (but so far, no egg outfit). And he's one of the only designers to not already have a line already produced. Tim mentions that he was blown away by him at his audition. So we'll see where Orville Leguizamo takes us this season.

And this season has a biddy on it: PEACH!

"I hope there's cheese cake

and midnight talks about St. Olaf."

I'm glad that there's a sassy elder on the show. And she's not even really old. Oh right, this is America, she may as well be dead. When you turn 50 you are considered a museum piece. Let's hope she doesn't turn to dust during the run. I KID! I KID! I'll send her some Viactiv just to make sure she's okay.

The last overt character, as far as I can tell, is Jason:

"I say old chap, have I mentioned that I'm straight yet?

I'm straight. As an arrow. No, ignore the hat."

OH JASON. You silly man. Not only do you have the dandy hat, you wear a corset with your sewing tools attached.

"No, for real, I'm straight. WHAT?"

What the hell, dude? You're like a modern day Sweeney Todd. I do not get you, sir. I do not get you. I know you say you're straight, but for real... you're pushing it.

OH. And this next guy isn't really a character, but here's who I think is a super cutie and has replaced Season 6's Logan as my heart's desire... Christopher...

"First thing tomorrow, I'm taking out a restraining

order on The New Old Biddy."

And HEY, Heidi thinks he's cute too. So nyah. I'm allowed. I'm not dead yet. As a matter of fact, Heidi and I are the same age. She just has a lot more to show than I do. Although I'm certain that I have more crows feet to show. Anyhoo - let's just gawk and Christopher for a moment, shall we?

"I'm the hot dude in the middle of two awkward dudes.

Ooops, sorry lady."

"When I make this face it seems as though I care when you speak,

and girls dig that."

Alright, back to the show... begrudgingly... oh Christopher's cute. (And I still need to get out more....)

THE CHALLENGE:

Everybody made it to Lincoln Center where Fashion Week has been relocated from Bryant Park.

And they finally get to meet Heidi and Tim...

Heidi: "Another season?"

Tim: "Yep. I'm already drinking."

Tim: "Come closer, I want to motor boat your face.

Wubba wubba wubba wubba..."

Oh dear. Anyhoo... Heidi tells the designers that there is a twist already in the game: They are still auditioning to be on the show. Um, technically, this is episode 1, so they are on the show. So it's not really a twist. It's an episode with an elimination. Um, that's standard. Right?

Heidi tells them to open their suitcase and take out on piece of clothing. She then tells them to pass it to the right and that the garment they receive will be incorporated into the look they will make for the runway show that will happen after just 5 hours of work time. Everybody drops a figurative brick at the announcement.

Casanova is particularly put out by the news as he pulled out a pair of pants that cost $1070. REALLY, CASANOVA??? I think if you put ALL my clothes together they wouldn't be worth that much and you dropped that kind of coin on ONE PAIR OF FREAKING PANTS?

"Hello, Pants. You are the only person who understands Casanova."

Don't they look like you could just get another pair for $60 at The Gap? Moving on...

"5 hours to sew and no champagne? Bullshit!"

At Parsons, they all get set up at their work stations and Tim lets them know that Mood has created an annex at Parsons so they don't have to travel to get their fabrics.

"Thank you, Moooooooooooood!"

The designers are assigned models randomly (damn, no awkward kickball team line-ups!) and they all just get sewing. Some have problems, others don't. Some designers are focused on soooo heavily in the episode that I know they will not be joining us for the rest of the season (that apparently hasn't started yet). Others are down right ignored to the point where when I see them later on I exclaim, "Where the hell did that person come from??!" (Note: I also startle easily...)

There's a lot of talking in this episode... too much to sum up that really doesn't have much to do with the runway results. So... Yakkedy-shmackedy, let's jump to the runway!

Guest Judge... Selma Blair:

"I love a good bang."

"Me too! We're talking about sex, right?"

SAFE!

"Oh thank God we get to sit down now..."

Kristin:

She turned a kilt into a collar. A'ight. This look is fine, and I agree that she should be safe and part of Season 8 (whatever) but the front side bustle isn't doing it for me. Somehow it makes the fabric look like cheap car seat leather. But her Piperlime accessories were indeed thoughtfully chosen. (GAG.)

Michael C:

Yeah. It's fine. Again, this was a five hour challenge, so for five hours, great! Although the severe side part on the model is off putting. Looks like she's combing over a Bump-it.

Mondo:

Hmmmmmm. I don't know. Is it the dress I don't like, or the model. Or the color? Or the model's hair? Or all of it? Okay, all of it. Sewn well, but YOINKS. The color. The blandness. I've seen couches at nursing homes with more personality (and mystery colors).

A.J:

Okay. A little Corpse Bride for my taste, but I'd wear a hoodie to a wedding, so what do I know...

Andy:

I could do without the "funeral maitai hat" as it makes the outfit look over done. Yeah, it's the hat's fault...

Christopher:

YAY! He's safe! YAY! Oh yeah, nice dress. YAY! CUTIE PANTS IS SAFE! (I know... shut up.)

Sarah:

Oh sweet lord in heaven, is that prison gear? It looks like if you were making a women in prison film for a "sexy" film. Why are her lips the color of death? What the hell? Is it me or is this crew a little morbid?

Valerie:

Not sure about the boob bandages, but other than that... Actually I don't like much of any of it. The colors are weird and it looks like she was given a brown paper bag as her initial item.

Michael D:

Meh.

Side note: I'm guessing hats are the new faux hawks this season with designers....

Peach:

Sweet. Cute. I like it, but couldn't wear it. She had a knitted scarf to use and it fell apart whenever she touched it. So she used it in the neck and a little poof in the back. She did what she could and looks like the broad knows how to sew. But I worry about her fabric choices. (See Ivy's look in the "barely safe" section...)

WINNER: GRETCHEN (aka Granola Girl)

Our green designer from Portland pulls out a win in this non-season-8-opener-non-opener-non-episode. I'm confused by this dress as a win as it's just a black dress. Yes, she has weird applique (spelling??) fabric to start with, but... really? This is the winner? Hmph.

BARELY SAFE, but invited to Season 8...

Nicholas:

Um... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He used the ribbing from a bomber jacket to make the awkward stole thing on her shoulders. Needless to say, it bombed. (I'm here all week, folks!)

April:

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are they remaking "Thriller" because this would work. There's a lengthy discussion about how can you tell if something is deconstructed well before you know if the designer can construct. I dunno. I think if it looks like crap, it's crap. This is safe only because there is worse to come...

Ivy:

She got Peach's toile pants and made... capris! The judges were not impressed with that nor with the shirt. I admit, not the best effort, but glad she's still there as I like her personality and I think she got stuck with only 5 hours to make something. Hopefully she's learned she needs to push to stay on the show.

Jason:

HOT MESS. This is a hot disaster and deserved to go home. He basically took the kimono he was given and turned it around. Then he used a stapler. A FREAKING STAPLER. Does he have a Staples Easy Button on his tool corset? Holy Versace I don't even know where to begin. Her hair is a scary mess, the boots are unsavory and the look on the model's face screams "get me outta here." Oh and by the way, this is our "busty" model friend. Yeah. She's busty. The straight guy made sure to say so.

Casanova:

In his defense, he got a flowy shirt as his garment to use. However, he didn't need to be so literal.

This "outfit" is atrocious. Selma says it looks like it would be sold at a store called Dazzles that sells wigs and dresses. (I think she just shared a little bit about where she bought her wig hair today, kids...) It's just a miss. Kors calls her a pole dancer from Dubai. (I hear Dubai is requesting an apology.) This look too should have gone over the one that is ultimately auf'd.

Oh and in a PR first, Nina had to ask Casanova in Spanish why he should stay on the show. I was so taken by her Spanish that I didn't listen to his answer. But I think that's okay because it probably made little sense in the end.

AUF'D... McKell:

I knew she was leaving based on how much energy they put into her story/character in this non-episode. In short: This should not have gone home. Casanova or Jason should have been in the bottom 2 for sure, but not this. It's constructed well. Oh sure, the bag is a disaster according to the judges, and so is her hair, but HEY THERE, FOLKS, SHE CAN SEW. I'm not so sure about Casanova and Jason.

McKell: "I call shenanigans.

And I'm not talking about my hair which I call Predator Chic."

So right off the bat, the judging makes no sense and I am angered. Is that good or bad television?

And there you have it - the first not-episode of not-season-8! It's all uphill from here, kids!

"That's right, I spell 'bitches' without the 't' cuz I'm an artist."

****

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A Quick "Catch You Up" Blog

2010-06-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

Look! I'm posting a blog and it's not an eulogy! HOORAY! (Which is a great thing considering I've posted 3 eulogies in the past 14 months. Holy shadoobies, right? My eulogizing skills would like a 40-year hiatus, please...) So this is a short little blog as I want to catch you up on what's been going on:

* I'm performing with ComedySportz NY!! I LOVE THESE PEOPLE! Shows are on Saturdays at 6pm at the Broadway Comedy Club on West 53rd. Come see a show! You won't be sad you did. But if you are sad after coming to see a show, then obviously you're a Sad Sack and nothing can cheer you up.

I'm always pointing. I'm so rude.

* I'm no longer a television writer/producer and it feels flippin' great. I don't miss it in the slightest. I'm still working in social media and I'm also my nephew Nate's nanny! I think we get along okay...

At least his head isn't 3 sizes bigger than mine... Yet.

* And lastly, in general, I'm doing the best I can. The past 5 years have been.... well... El Craptastic-o, to put it politely. Bad jobs, horrible marriage, crappy timing, untimely deaths and a bunch of disappointments. Needless to say, I'm rebuilding from what feels like scratch. (And can I just say that I thought growing up that when I was finally 30-mumble-years-old that I'd be very set in life and not living like I just got out of college?) I'm re-finding the things that make me happy and doing my best to enjoy the journey, childhood expectations aside.

Hugs! Will blog more soon!

Saying Goodbye... My Eulogy for my Father

2010-05-21T01:02:00.001-04:00

My dad passed away this past Monday from brain cancer.

It was the hardest day of my life. I was holding his hand as he passed away.

It was brutal... but I was glad to be there with him for his final journey.

The second hardest day was today, the funeral.

As I wrote Dad's eulogy this week, I focused on the one thing that made Dad who he was: humor.

So please enjoy the anecdotes about Dad.

He was an amazing man.

I wish you all could have met him.

*****

When I was a kid, I didn't realize how amazing Dad was. I figured everybody's dad was funny, smart, talented and liked to exclaim on New Year's morning, “Well... There's another year... shot in the ass.”

Dad, or Mr. Daddy as we liked to call him, was simply the best. He had an amazing blend of business savvy and complete silliness. I feel like Sara and I have all the best qualities of him. Especially if you consider “impatience” a positive quality. Which, by the way, we do.

We heard from our grandparents about how precocious Dad was from the very beginning. Grandpa loved to tell a story about when Dad was 4-years-old. Eolin legend has it that Grandpa was doing yard work and filled up a bucket of water. He left to get something and when he gave back, there was Dad and an empty bucket. Grandpa asked him, “What happened to the water?” And Dad, quick as lightening stated, “Oh, a little worm came out of the ground...” And at this point, my dad used his finger to illustrate the worm tipping over the bucket... Yep. Blamed it on a worm.

Another story Grandpa told about Dad that really describes Dad's personality was about his toy wagon. When Grandpa went away to be in the Navy during World War II he built our dad a wooden wagon. When Grandpa came back he gave Dad the wagon which he LOVED and played with all the time. In fact, he used that wagon so much that it finally broke. Dad kept pestering Grandpa to fix it but one thing or another kept delaying the repairs. One day, Dad got into some sort of trouble, as he was aught to do, and Grandpa used the phrase, “Robert, shape up or I'll fix your wagon!” to which Dad's eyes widened and he said eagerly: “GASP! You're going to fix my wagon!?!”

His mischievous ways continued well into his teens. He was sent home from school with a note that stated that perhaps Dad had hypnotized a kid down the street to cluck like a chicken every time the bell rang. To which his mother, our grandmother replied, “Oh that kid? He deserved it!”

I know... we're all starting to make more sense to you all now, aren't we?

After high school he enrolled at Corning Community College. Grandpa was very adamant that Dad be an engineer like him. Unless being an engineer included being goofy (which by the way, it did not) he wanted nothing to do with it. But he relented and took some engineering courses including calculus. In short: he was bad at it. Really bad. Like “flunking out” bad. His professor told him that he'd give him a D+, allowing him to pass if he promised to NEVER ever use calculus in his life ever again. “DONE!” Our dad ran out of there and told his parents that he wasn't going to be an engineer, he was going to film school. I think I'm putting it politely when I tell you that this news was not received well. But it was that day that an entertainer was truly born.

An early memory of Dad that to me seemed pretty normal was coming home from school one day to find Dad in the kitchen with a mime and I thought, “Oh yeah, that makes sense. I hope there's juice in the fridge.” He was filming a series of PSAs for the television station group he worked for to help explain the ease and convenience of the metric system for when the US changed over. Needless to say that this debut has been bumped 30+ years so far. Fingers crossed for a 2011 premiere.

Dad had a plethora of hobbies. He painted, built and refurbished furniture. He made Sara and I the best doll houses when we were kids. And I still want to play with mine but I hear that it's "age-inappropriate." He also loved to cook. When we were kids, he'd make omelets using 12 eggs and it would take 45 minutes for EACH omelet. We don't know why. During football season, there was homemade pizza every Sunday. But his favorite mode of cooking was via the grill. He even made the Thanksgiving and Christmas turkeys on the grill, despite the typical east coast weather. Sara and I talked and we agreed that zero pieces of meat (except for bacon) have been cooked inside the Eolin household for the past 17 years.

But his favorite thing to do was to shoot short films. When he was a part of the Lancaster Advertising Club in PA, he made a short film for their annual Cameron Awards ceremony every year. He directed and acted in them and I remember being struck with how talented he was. Which was quite the accomplishment for me as I was a snotty teenager at the time. This was the first time I became proud of my dad. This was the first time he became more than the guy who made sure my homework was done, or told me to eat my cube steak.... he became a person.

Sara and I also worked for our dad when he and Mom took over WCBA AM-FM. He was a great boss. He taught me everything I needed to know and was uncharacteristically patient about it. He liked my work. He gave me more commercials to put together and voice. He let me DJ and make decisions. I was only 17 years old. So obviously he was either a genius or crazy.

Dad always supported everything that Sara and I did. Sara got into advertising and she and he would chat shop about the industry. It usually contained a few four letter words, which I of course didn't understand. I am a writer and we would get together and talk about stories and how they are told. He introduced me to comedy and sitcoms as a kid and he fully supported me when I moved to LA to pursue this.

When dad became sick, I moved to NYC to be closer. As a bonus, I've been able to work with my sister who had been living there for 12 years already. I see our dad in her everyday. He ability to do business WELL and with a smile on her face is a mirror image of Dad. She is humorous and quick. She also doesn't take any crap from anyone, just like Dad. And I find this very comforting.

I will be honest and tell you that Dad's passing does not feel real yet. I feel like he's out on some exciting trip and will burst through the door at any minute. I am sad that our mom has lost her partner. They were brilliant together. Caring, clever, talented and might I say quite good looking. I will miss Dad's wisdom and laughter. I will miss seeing him and Mom sitting in the library, drinking tea and looking out the window chatting about the wildlife in the yard. I will miss every little thing about him and how he lived his day to day life.

But thankfully we have all these memories and they are GOOD memories. He died surrounded by the his family: Mom, Sara, Sam, Baby Nate, all 3 dogs and myself. He knew how loved he was, and we knew how loved we were back.

My sister and I count ourselves lucky to be raised by a man who gave us the dating advice to never date anybody who honked in the driveway instead of coming to the front door; who wore a tie that didn't reach his belt; or looked like a porn star. Needless to say, he was not your ordinary run of the mill dad. And hopefully our memories of him will keep life from becoming ordinary without him...

When I'm not blogging, I'm painting....

2010-05-12T17:47:00.000-04:00

"I paint objects as I think them, not as I see them."

~ Pablo Picasso

"Me too."

~ Jennifer Eolin

(aka The New Old Biddy)

I've always been interested in art. My parents have quite a few pieces of impressive art collected over the years. My dad was also a painter before I was born. And in 1999, I picked up my first paint brush outside of elementary school art class. It was scary, yet liberating.

Painting is how I relieve stress. Some people run, others scream, I turn on music and paint. I can't think about anything else when I'm painting, so I can't A) worry B) worry or C) worry. It's fabulous!

So here are my latest paintings. Please note that I paint for fun. I do not think I'm the next Jackson Pollack. (Although, I wouldn't mind being him, but without the crazy. And the penis. I like being a girl...) So please know that I'm always looking to improve and grow. I have a long journey and I can't wait!

So let's begin the (art) show!

This painting is titled Dena's Garden since my friend Dena asked me to paint it for her. (Sometimes a title is just that easy...) She asked for lilacs and plumeria and this is what my brain made. It's acrylic on canvas and the background and leaves were painted with a varnish sponge while the flowers were all created with a heavy body paint on a palate knife. I liked how the colors mixed and highlighted each flower. It really helped create a sense of light. (Since completing this painting, I bought a palate knife that I think will handle leaves as those were painted with sponges and I really prefer to use the palate knife because it gives a better texture.)

This set of two is simply titled Tulips. I painted this all with varnish sponges and sea sponges. The tulips were painted with my fingers and thumbs!

I liked how my hands could get the shape and feel of the flower best out of all my tools/brushes. A happy surprise that came out of these paintings is that they mimic a window. Meaning, if there's sunlight on them, the sky is bright as are the flowers. But when its night time, the blue darkens and becomes quite a different color and the paintings look like, well, night time! My friend RM bought these.

And last... Thunderstorms:

This one was painted on a rainy day in NYC. It's acrylic on canvas (as they all are - it's my fave medium!). It was painted with car paint scrappers (which are pliable straight edge plastic tools) and sea sponges. I started by just layering paint with the scrapper. I just kept layering until I got what looked like an amazing sky. Then I added the blues and greens to indicate sky and land. Then the rain. OH THE RAIN. I used a silver on the straight edge part of the scrapper to make the lines of rain coming down. Then with sea sponges, I made all the "movement" in the painting. My friend, Marcy, bought this one. She just got it yesterday!

So that's what I've been up to... now I'm dabbling in greeting cards as well. I have a series to create for my nephew's nursery that I can't wait to get started on! I hope to start an Etsy store soon. But that means I need to paint and then not post/sell them on Facebook! We'll see if that happens... :)

If you're in NYC tonight with nothing to do...

2010-05-08T10:16:00.000-04:00

...and you liked Whose Line Is It Anyway, then come watch me improvise with ComedySportz NYC!

For those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile, you know that I played in LA with ComedySportz for 4 years. Before that, I was with TheatreSports. Basically, I'll be in any improv group that has "sports/z" in the title because I'm that athletic. HAHAHHHAAA! See. Jokes aplenty. You won't be disappointed. Mostly.

Click here for tickets and info! 2 drink minimum as well. Please follow my fan page or Twitter account for upcoming dates! See you there! :)

From my final show in LA.

My team mates were all killed.

I survived.

And then I escaped from LA.

(See - seriously, I'm that funny all the time...)

Um.... About that Project Runway Blog....

2010-04-25T16:39:00.000-04:00

Dearest Readers,

I need to be honest with you: I am a bad blogger. ("Bad" as in "producing content," not as in "content produced." I hope.) I didn't get to write my review of Project Runway's part 1 of the finale, much less the actual finale that aired last week. The reasoning? I'm just not feeling it.

Bunim/Murray has sucked the life out of the show. It's edited quite flatly, there's very little suspense and what suspense there is feels "built" in the edit bay. In short, "BOOOO."

I loved that Seth Aaron won, however! I love his attention to detail and the construction of his pieces are AMAZING. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE the dynamic he has with his family. I am SO GLAD that the good guy won! I'm so sad that he had to suffer through the bad production practices of a sub-par production company. I really hope that he comes out with a line of jackets. Not since Jillian have I been so in love with a jacket.

I wish Mila had come in second. Emilio's second place "win" was undeserved. My sister nailed it when she said, "He just designed a nice line for Kohl's." And nothing against Kohl's, but that's not really the aim of a line at Fashion Week. I read on one of Mila's tweets that someone suggested she work for White House/Black Market. YES! Perfect! And once someone builds a store called "Smug For No Reason," I can see Emilio finding a home for his (safe) life there.

The reunion show was also quite dull except for a few moments: Emilio's complete lack of anything likable about his personality, especially when arguing why he dropped his model Holly; Anthony's extremely insincere apology to Mila for calling her a 50+ year-old hag; Ping's wailing; and Jay snapping at Cerri that she has fat legs and crooked teeth. (PS - I now HATE Jay as I adore Cerri. I am now glad he did NOT make it to Fashion Week.) And sadly, this paragraph reads more interestingly than the actual 22 minutes of the show.

....Sigh.....

So I apologize for not making it work. My blogs take hours and hours to write and I couldn't give Bunim/Murray my time to help promote their less than stellar job with this season. I wish them the best of luck in Season 8. I hope they take a class on how to tell a story. I hope they open up the challenges to 2-days so we can see more interaction and talent ability from the new designers. I hope they get an editor who isn't fresh out of college and can actually cut a show with some energy and power behind it. Yes. I have opinions.

So PLEASE make sure you go to MyLifetime to view the episodes and lines and then go to Blogging Project Runway to read recaps and hear podcasts with the finalists! And hopefully, by the time season 8 rolls around, I'll feel invigorated to keep blogging about this show. Because it just keeps getting harder and harder...

Hugs and hoodies,

Jennifer (Eolin)

The New Old Biddy Hearts Chris March!

2010-04-20T16:33:00.001-04:00

I would like to thank bookstores across NYC for helping (enabling) me to meet (stalk) my favorite Project Runway peeps! HOORAY! Last night I put on my best windbreaker hoodie to go to Borders to meet Chris March from Season 4 of Project Runway.

"You can hear my laugh even when I am just a picture."

I got to Borders early in my biddy fashion (because you never know when a train may be late!) and saw the man of the hour briefly chatting with Borders' employees at the front of the store before being ushered away from the hoi polloi. I saw that there was a table set up at the front of the store which was unlike the other events I've attended. "Oh sadness," I thought, "Is there no discussion and laughter?" I walked up to the "greeter/security guard" who was planted at the front of the store. His wan expression let me know he did not want to talk as he was very busy guarding a pile of Kitty Kelly's newest book of complete make-'em-ups, Oprah. (PS- the book is already 30% off. HAHAHAA! Take that, Kitty Kelly! Perhaps if you wrote for Scientology your fables would actually sell. Too soon?) Without making eye contact the greeter/security guard let me know that Chris would be signing books at the front of the store only. Aw, crud. Oh well, better than nothing, right?

After buying my book I met up with fellow Project Runway fan (stalker), Lauren, who I met at Laura Bennett's book signing a few weeks back. Lauren was also wearing a hoodie. (Ergo, we will obviously be friends forever.) We hung out waiting for 7pm to roll around and we got in line. Okay, we WERE the line at that point. Just us. Two ladies in hoodies desperately grasping our cameras. (PS - My look was complemented with a summer scarf in lime green and a dippy smile that even a 4-year-old would deem as "uncool.")

3 more people got in line behind us and Chris March was escorted to his table. Chris' disappointment was palpable. I can't blame him. I'd be sad too if I came out and saw me. At that point I wanted to run over an hug him and say: "Quality over quantity, Chris!" (But I didn't, no restraining orders today!)

Lauren got her picture taken first...

...and then me. (Thank GOODNESS my head looks normal in this. To better understand this reference, see my Tim Gunn post. from a month ago.. oy.)

We chatted with Chris and he is truly as delightful in person as he was on TV. We talked about reality television and its "merits." I told him that I understood the ruse of reality as I worked for the "reality" show elimiDATE for 4 (horribly awful hideously long) years. He burst out, "ELIMIDATE?!" he gave me his condolences for having worked on that show. (Note: I'm still in therapy.) I also let him know how much I love his design aesthetic and that I love that he self-published his book. SELF- PUBLISHED, PEOPLE. This is not an easy feat. Nay. This means you do and finance everything yourself. Not a small task! He mentioned that he's blogging now, to which I said, "I know! Keep it up!"

At that point, another Chris March fan arrived, Laura Bennett!

Looking completely hip and casual in jeans and a Chanel jacket, Laura came by to support her fellow PR alum/author. (Sidenote: A Borders employee brought up some of Laura's books to the front table as the folks in line didn't know she had a signing just over a week ago. Somebody give that employee a raise!) She told Chris that her kids are big fans, to which Chris exclaimed, "Are they gay?" Laura shrugged, "One maybe."

More people started to show up for Chris (GOOD!) so Laura, Lauren and I huddled up and discussed the merits of Glee and why Finn can't sing. This conversation took at least 20 minutes as we all had a lot to say about this matter. A LOT.

Then Laura got to see a bit of my biddiness first hand much to my chagrin. I handed her a pen, but it was empty. "Empty" as in the ink thingy fell out and all that was left was a sad pink plastic shell. So I handed her another one. Also empty. Yep. You know you're a new old biddy when you carry empty pen corpses around with you in your purse next to your green tea mints. (And I'll have you know, the pen carcasses are still in my purse lest I find their insides floating around somewhere. Waste not want not!) Sigh.....

All in all, a great evening. I hope Chris had a good time despite a small turnout. And btw, I love Chris' book and so should you! It's a coffee table book with pictures from his costumes/designs over the years including Project Runway. (Meryl Streep's dresses are not in the book as I believe it went to print before those were debuted...) You can find I Heart Chris March here on his website. And DO check out his blog as well. Do it and support self-published authors!

PS - On my way home I had a random star sighting, the dad from Ugly Betty, Tony Plana. But to me, he'll always be Jefe from The Three Amigos. The jackass in me wanted to ask him if he knew what a plethora was yet, but again thought it best to avoid a restraining order and stay 0 for 2 for the evening....

****

For other Project Runway related features,

read about how I met Tim Gunn & Laura Bennett!

And relive the silliness that Season 6 models

Kojii, Katie, Fatma and I had during Assignment: Jennifer!

Soon...

2010-04-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

My Project Runway blog will go up soon. (Read "soon" as "before the finale on Thursday.") I was spending the weekend with my family and stayed offline for most of it. Imagine that. ;)

But I'm back in NYC now and will be getting back to blogging!

Make it work! (I know I'm trying...)

Project Runway - Season 7 - Episode 12 - "Big Top, Big Egos"

2010-04-11T01:41:00.001-04:00

Last time on Project Runway:

* The show lets us know, "No REALLY, Heidi is a HUGE celebrity!"

(And not just because she's HUGELY pregnant...)

* Maya quits the show due to being sick of me confusing her name with Mila's

(And fighting with Mila for flat iron time in the morning.)

* Anthony is the new Chris March

(Squeeee!)

* Emilio is the new Kenley

(Don't you talk sass to my Tim Gunn!)

* IN: New Kenley (BOO!)

AND

New Chris March (YAY!)

* OUT: Jonathan and model Cerri are auf'd

* The New Old Biddy has notes.

(As per usual...)

*****

We open in the Atlas Apartments, Anthony is being delightful whilst next door Mila sadly straight irons her hair in somber silence. Oh how I miss the expresiionless, monotone non-banter Maya and Mila use to have:

Maya: "I'm really tired."

Mila: "Yeah. Me too."

Silence except for the sizzle of the flat irons...

Maya: "Your bangs look nice."

Mila: "Yeah. Me too."

Sigh. The good old days of last week...

On the runway at Parsons Heidi tells the designers that they are designing for her again. I KID! She tells them that this challenge will determine who is going to Fashion Week. (FINALLY!) She sends them to a tent, to which the designers find themselves at Ringling Brothers Circus. Their challenge is to "Create a runway look inspired by the circus." (I hope the BlueFly wall thoughtfully supplies the designers with big floppy red shoes...)

Cue the ringmaster and tons of acts that all perform at once, making the scene just look chaotic and unhinged as all three rings are combined into one. Shirtless tumblers (hubba hubba), clowns, motorcycles and whatnot fill the space with activity and skill that I know I can never accomplish. The best quote of the night, nay SERIES, is when a clown throws water on another clown, Anthony sincerely gasps: "All over your rhinestones!" Anthony, you really are the king of sound bites this season!

"Ta daaaaa! Now leave."

Tim comes back out and tells the designers they have 30 minutes to sketch and remember, this IS NOT A COSTUME. Then its off to Mood with $300 to shop. And guess what, kids? It's a 2-day challenge! HOORAY! (Considering they had to go to Coney Island, then to Mood, it had to be like 3pm or later when they got back to Parsons...)

Emilio (aka New Kenley due to his disdain for all of Tim Gunn's advice) is running his mouth about how great he is while in line at Mood, "I am banging them out!" (OH MY!) Then he states in the workroom: "Come hard or go home," and "You gotta come hard!" (Okay, maybe he's the New Vincent...?) Either way, Emilio is clearly the jerk of the season. BOOO EMILIO. You blow in a very non-plussing manner. (I need to work on my double entendres...)

Mila calls Emilio out on bragging about winning. UM... Mila. Babydoll. Honeybunny. We need to chat. (And by chat, I mean, I will do all the talking.) Do you not remember GLOATING as you walked into the green room after winning challenges to a couch full of pissed designers earlier this season? Hmmm? Do you remember that? In short: Pot, meet Kettle.

"Hi! Do you have a Facebook page?"

Sew sew sew.... And now for something unexpected. I am going to compliment the production company, Bunim/Murray. (I know. You might want to sit down.) This episode is actually... GOOD. There's story, there's character, there's a natural build in tension. And you know why? Because A) it's a 2 day challenge for a change! and B) with 5 people, the producers are finally able to narrow down the stories being told. (Okay, part B is a back-handed compliment...) But I'm into this episode. I have favorites and those I hate. PERFECT! Only took 12 episodes to get there, guys! (Oy.)

Moving on... Tim Gunn arrives for critiques!

Tim starts with Seth Aaron. SA says he was inspired by the ringmaster and shows Tim his plans for an over the top jacket and pants combo, "And I'm making a top hat," Tim urges him to remember: "NO costume."

Next is Emilio's Ego. He's using a black and white striped fabric very similar to SA's. He's making a gown and Tim reminds him that black and white isn't very circus-like. Don't forget color! Emilio whines like a 4-year-old and fights back, "I've never done black and white, Tim!" Tim gives him support and Emilio mocks him back to his face by imitating Tim's "encouragement fist." (That's my name for it anyway...)

"I encourage you!"

"I'll see your 'encouragement fist'

and raise you a 'douche bag fist.'"

Next is Anthony who I swear makes the word "Tim" into two syllables. "Hiiiiii, Tee-im." Yes? Anthony is making a blue gown (inspired by one of the acrobats costumes). He's the only one using blue as everyone else is using black, red, white and gold. He's still constructing the garment's overall look and Tim cautions him to "let his viscera rule" on what feels right and wrong. Anthony informs Tim that he's going to get a dictionary when he gets home so he can understand Tim better. HA!

Nobody said "viscera" was pretty,

just wise.

Mila is next. She's going with a coat (which seems very Seth Aaron in style btw...) He gives her some tips on fabric choices and she is the exact opposite of Emilio and is actually gracious and seems appreciative of his counsel.

Jay tells Tim that he's mixing the ringleader with the clowns and is going for an exaggerated look. He wants it to look "bad bitch." Tim asks: "Is there such a thing as a good bitch?" Jay chirps: "I'm a good bitch!" And then he clicked his heels and said "There's no place like home." (Okay, that last bit didn't happen, but the bad bitch in me wished it had for humor's sake!)

Sew sew sew..... Midnight! Morning! More sewing!

Models come in and SA expresses doubt about Mila's super shiny outfit and Emilio realizes that TIM WAS RIGHT and he needs more color. Of course he doesn't say it this way, but that's what we all know happened.

After the models leave, Anthony comments on Jay's jacket: "Oh you're making a Michael Jackson coat!" Jay is horrified. And well he should be:

Mila: "I hope your model moonwalks

down the runway."

RUNWAY DAY!

Lots of bites about how excited the designers are and how they have their eye on the prize. Seth Aaron is actually "butterflies in the stomach" nervous for the day.

Sew sew sew sew....

Anthony is having fitting problems with his model. The wings on the gown are too big. (I can hear your viscera screaming from here, Anthony!)

Sew sew sew.... panic and hope... sew sew sew....

RUNWAY TIME! Heidi greets them and lets them know that 2 of them will be auf'd. Only 3 are going to Fashion Week.

Anthony: "I hope my viscera doesn't make an appearance

on the runway or the floor..."

Guest judge, Cynthia Rowley:

"No, I'm not Sarah Jessica Parker.

Stop asking me that."

LET'S START THE SHOW!

JAY:

SHAMONE! I mean, OMG, that's not pretty unless she's about to start up a Michael Jackson tribute marching band...

Heidi makes Jay take off the jacket and the comment about how the outfit without the jacket is a great ensemble that is beautifully made. True... BUT THAT JACKET!! AHHHH!

MILA:

This is quite possibly the ugliest outfit of the season. And does anybody else see a bad parody of Ziggy Stardust in this garment? Am I alone on this?

"It's Rock-n-Roll Suicide to copy me."

Kors LIKES it and says it's not a costume. WHA----? Thank goodness, Nina isn't completely on board with this disaster. (PHEW! I was beginning to worry about my viscera's point of view....) Cynthia would like less collar and shine, but in general, "I like it."

Ugh. I don't get it...

ANTHONY:

I like this look... but where is the circus? I like the movement and the design. Wish the waist weren't so "got caught in my Spanx" looking though.

OH ANTHONY - stop apologizing for your look! That just tips them off that there are bigger problems.

Nina likes it from the waist up, but the waist down is a "snooze" and that it's poorly made. Kors wants to know the fabric type. He gets out of his seat and finds out it's POLYESTER, to which Kors comments: "She's like a big blue condom."

EMILIO:

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! HORRIBLE! THOSE SHOES! THE DOTS! I'm having Moulin Rouge inspired panic attacks:

Kick your heels up, step in time!

OH wait... wrong musical.

He tells them it's five yards of fabric with polka dots for whimsy's sake. Heidi thinks the dress is absolutely stunning. (HUH?) Cynthia calls it "genius." (WHAT?) Kors calls it his favorite garment of the season. (ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME DAMN EPISODE?!) Nina thinks this dress speaks to women. Yes. Okay, agreed. It does speak to me. And it's telling me to run away or I'll die from consumption.

Needless to say, Emilio's ego now joins America in its fight against obesity... Sigh....

SETH AARON:

OMG. No. THIS is the ugliest outfit of the season. And it pains me to say it. But who wants to look like a member of Beetlejuice's bridal party? HMMM?

"It's a good look. C'mon!"

Seth Aaron says he designed off emotion with this look as he was soooo happy at the circus. So, SA, why did you design a straight jacket if you were so happy?

Heidi likes the look. Nina likes the drama and fantasy about it, but does call it out for being a bit costume-like. Cynthia likes that the outfit defies gravity as appreciates the circus theme/inspiration. Now for Kors: " I think the pants, we have crazy crotch. I think they might fit you better. That perhaps a gentleman might have something to fill the trouser out." (Wow, between the "big blue condom" remark and this, someone really has sausage on the brain today...) He goes on to say that the jacket is very strong and he appreciates that.

HOW HAS NOBODY POINTED OUT THAT GIRLFRIEND HAS NO HANDS??? BAH! Tailored extremely well, yes! But SHE HAS NO HANDS.

Then they ask everybody why they deserve to go to Fashion Week (dumb question) and who should go with them. SA picks Emilio and Jay to go to FW. Jay wants to go to FW w/ SA and tearfully mentions Anthony. Awwww! Mila wants to compete against Emilio and SA. Emilio picks the "strongest because he likes to compete with the best" and chooses SA and Mila. Anthony's viscera wants Emilio and Jay to join him at Fashion Week.

And now... the results!

Emilio... is going to Fashion Week. Sigh. I get it and his ego should provide some good entertainment for the finale. Okay. I'm on board. BUT OMG THAT DRESS IS JUST A TRASHY CAN CAN DRESS! BAH!

Seth Aaron... is going to Fashion Week! YAY! I love his stuff and his style. Just remember to give your girls hands, sweets!

Anthony... is auf'd. That makes me a sad panda, but I see why. I hope he continues to design!

That leaves Jay and Mila standing on the runway.

Mila ... is going to Fashion Week. AND so is Jay. But they are giving them the "Chris March" treatment and making them compete for the FW spot in two months based on their collections they bring back. UNFAIR! I hate that! PICK ONE! BOO!

But now this biddy is happy as next week is my favorite episode of each season... Tim Gunn visits the designers at home! I hope he says "egads" or something else equally as quaint and adorable this time around. Squeeeee!

MODELS OF THE RUNWAY:

Brittany and Brandise get along about as well as Republicans and Democrats do. Lame drama to fill in a half hour show about nothing. And not in that Seinfeld sort of nothing way...

On the runway, Seth Aaron sticks with Kristina. Mila stays with Brandise, Jay stays with Brittany, and Emilio... stays with Lorena. SO PREDICTABLE! This whole program could have been 30 seconds long. Ugh. Poor Monique is out. I thought she did a good job all season.

Back at the models' apartment, the show ends when the designers show up with champagne (and cider!) and they all toast their victory before all going their separate ways:

Here's to a great finale!

Or The New Old Biddy will ridicule us...

******

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The New Old Biddy Meets the Glamorous Laura Bennett!

2010-04-08T14:45:00.000-04:00

Again, like the Tim Gunn book signing I attended just over a week ago, it started with a tweet: Laura Bennett from Season 3 of Project Runway was signing her new book, Didn't I Feed You Yesterday? A Mother's Guide to Sanity in Stilettos at Borders on Wednesday, April 7th! SQUEEEEE!

This time I was alone, thanks to the fact that my partner in Project Runway crime, Joanna, has her in-laws arriving today and she had to stay home to cook. WHATEVER. PRIORITIES, LADY! (I kid! Marginally...) I fretted about what to wear. Laura is basically the female version of Tim Gunn when it comes to poise, sophistication and elegance. So I wore a hoodie. You know, cuz an age-inappropriate gray hoodie from Forever 21 totes says: "style and elegance" and "I'm a confident woman in my 30's who is definitely not having any anxiety over her age at all-- SHUT UP I AM NOT!"

I digress...

I got there at 6:30, bought my book and sat in a sea of EMPTY CHAIRS. What the hell, NYC? This was the same scenario at the Tim Gunn signing. Everybody shows up at 6:55 and then wonders why they didn't get a seat, but that dork in the age-inappropriate hoodie is front and center in the second row. It's called a watch, people. Buy one. (Or hit a button on your cell phone to show the time. Either way, just don't act surprised when you don't get a seat.)

I think the best part about the book signing was that Laura's entire family was there (except the 3-year-old, Finn, because he likes to pull books off shelves and even a flippant mom like Laura determined, "This is not the proper venue for him"). HER KIDS ARE AMAZING. First of all, they are all firecrackers. Hams. Comedians. These are children who are not shy and are ready to take on the world. (Kinda like their mom, perhaps?) Before the event started, her 5-year-old, Larson, was quizzing the representative from Random House about her job and WHY they would name their company "Random House." She did a good job with her answers and Larson seemed satisfied. Then Peik, Truman and Pierson all arrived. The excitement they had for the event and their mom was palpable. These kids were on top of the world. I couldn't help but smile, I like when kids are proud of their parents. (Or they had a grand plan to embarrass her. Either way, they were happy.)

Finally Laura Bennett arrives looking super chic in a gray flannel shift dress with a sunburst of jewels around the waist. (And yes, she made it herself.) Her hair was cut in the cutest pixie cut in her signature (Loreal) red color. (And BTW, my friend, Christina, alerted me to the fact that Laura cuts her own hair - is there anything this woman can not do??) She began the evening by reading the intro: "Prepare for Take-off." It was awesome to hear her start the book off as now her voice will stay with me as I read the rest.

The Q&A was ... hilarious! Her kids asked tons of questions like the very important one, "Who's your favorite son?" Laura had her reply for who the favorite was for today and who she's penciling in for the rest of the week. She told us that what she misses about fashion now that she's a designer is the actual construction of making the garment. That's her favorite part and it's been taken away! She also told us that for her final collection at Bryant Park, she had a whole color story (red) that didn't make the runway. People, she made a million WELL made garments in two months, while pregnant and raising 5 kids. (I immediately felt lazy. All I had accomplished yesterday was making a grilled cheese sandwich and getting my butt out the door. Sigh...)

She thanked all the people in her life, kids, friends, agents and professionals in her life who helped make the book possible. Then she told her husband that she'd thank him later, which she punctuated with, "Don't worry, we'll be careful. We have 6 already."

Book signing time! At this point we lined up and her kids were up on stage next to her signing bookmarks. Truman, however, was making his way through the line, making sure everybody knew his name. When I told him I knew his name already, he moved along saying, "She already knows!"

Time to meet Laura!

Peik, (pronounced Pake, like "bake") is in the pic with us. (You need to get the book to hear the hilarious stories about how she and her husband, Peter, came up with their kids' names.) I also got signed bookmarks from her sons Pierson and I think the other was from Larson, but the signature looks like: "6ore." (Maybe she has a kid she doesn't know about? It's possible....)

And just like Tim, her reaction to "The New Old Biddy" is priceless: "Um, okay, this is a first," she stated as she spelled my moniker out slowly so as to not make any errors. I told her that it was my Twitter name and blogging name. I'm pretty sure that only made me see (more) crazy than I already appeared. Sigh. Someday I'll make a good impression. Maybe in 2014 or so.

Overall, wonderful evening. Even met another Project Runway fan and chatted about the crap-tastic season going on right now. I love meeting other stalkers--um, cough cough--enthusiasts. It lets me know that I'm not alone. (Except when I go to bed at night, but that's a different and sadder blog...)

On April 19th, Chris March will be signing his book! At least I have 9 days to pick out a proper hoodie this time around... I'm thinking pink!

****

For an excerpt of Laura's book, click here!

And when Laura isn't writing, designing or running her brood around town, she tweets!

Project Runway - Season 7 - Episode 11 - "A Sew Sew Episode"

2010-04-05T14:18:00.000-04:00

This episode could have been amazing.

This episode should have been hyped from the very beginning

and left us honestly wondering, "Who walks out??" all season long.

The sound bite: "We don't have a winner for this challenge,"

should have also been teased mercilessly.

10 designers should NOT have showed at Fashion Week

because it ruined the suspense and story of the remaining season.

(OMG. I can't say this one enough...)

And finally, I should be crowned "Queen of Knowing How to Fix Everything."

*****

We open in the apartment and we are beaten over the head with, "We miss Anthony," and "the competition is hard." And Maya is given the "going home" sound bite slot. Ugh... The predictability of this show is overwhelming.

With six left, Heidi tells them that they'll be making a look for a celebrity. OH NO.... Why do I have a feeling that the celebrity... is Heidi? Because I'm right. Tim Gunn introduces Heidi. DIDN'T THIS CHALLENGE ALREADY HAPPEN? And didn't Brown Sugar win and that dress is the cover of Marie Claire right NOW? WHAT THE HELL, BUNIM-MURRAY??? How cheap are you?? (Or "How many people will have nothing to do with the show now that you morons run it?" may be the better question...)

Heidi: "Yep, it's me again. Try not to yawn."

Tim: "I contend that I'm doing my best."

Heidi leaves and Tim gives them 30 minutes to sketch, then they will go to Mood to shop with $300. And CUE the bad directing and bad story producing from our enemies at Bunim-Murray. All of a sudden, Maya's work station is empty. NOBODY comments on this either in real time or in a sound bite. They just all happily sketch and assume that Maya must have eaten some bad Chinese food and is having an extended stay in the loo as NOBODY seems concerned to here whereabouts. We see a door close as if to cheat that Maya's just left, but they already showed a shot of the workroom, and she was already missing... I hate when continuity isn't a primary concern in a (bad) producer's mind. The audience isn't stupid. Don't screw with your timeline if you can't do it properly.

And then... to beat us about the head with the fact that Maya is missing since none of the designers have seemed to notice... the empty dress form:

Due to a horrible accident,

Maya lost both of her arms.

And her head.

After the other designers calmly discuss their plans for their outfits (Jonathan is taking the angle of, "design something really ugly and the judges will probably love it." HA!) when Tim Gunn comes back in the room with Maya and she announces that she's leaving the competition because she doesn't feel ready yet to go all the way if she made it to Bryant Park since she just got out of design school and she's still figuring out who she is as a designer. Which is too bad as she has skills for days.

Tim: "My goodness, you're short.

In stature and in confidence."

Maya seems really calm about her decision. There are no tears. Just relief. I have a feeling that she's going to sleep for about a week. I can't even imagine how battered these guys are with these quick turn-arounds. I can barely sew a button in five minutes, I can't imagine putting together a red carpet dress in 10 hours.

Emilio gives a mean sound bite about how "Quitters never win." (But cheaters do, right Emilio?? WHERE WAS YOUR ACCESSORY, MISTER!?!?) And then Seth Aaron gave a beautiful sound bite to back Maya up in her decision: "You know we work 18 to 20 hours a day, 7 days a week. You're pretty much drained all the time. So anybody sitting at home saying, 'Oh my God, I can't believe Maya quit,' you know, fuck off. You have no clue. Don't judge. You come here and try it."

"I got your back, Maya."

I'm rooting for you, Maya! Keep designing and sewing! And come back to Season 8, maybe?

So this leaves 5 designers in the work room instead of 6. But first things first (while the producers scramble to get their ducks in a row...) OFF TO MOOD!

"Can I color block this?"

Thank you Mooooooood!

Back to Parsons. And Tim has an announcement that we all knew was coming. (Well, for anybody who's watched the show before, we know who's coming back.) Chris March is back! I mean.... BROWN SUGAR! YAY ANTHONY who announces: "I have a second chance at greatness!"

"Look out, Beyonce, Brown Sugar is BACK!"

Tim gives Anthony 30 minutes to sketch, then off to Mood and he will be allowed to work later than the other designers so he has the same amount of time to create his look for Heidi. However, Tim isn't going to Mood with Anthony to which Anthony states: "But Tim, it won't be the same if you're not there to say, 'Anthony, don't pick that!'"

Sew sew sew sew sew..... Jonathan explains his frustration with only having one day to do a red carpet dress for Heidi. AMEN. LAME LAME LAME. Especially with the changes in the lineup.

Sewing and explanations...

The Tim comes back into the work room and calls Seth Aaron outside. Mila states: "And the day just keeps getting weirder and weirder." But there's no suspense in the work room. The mood seems "business as usual" which is frustrating as a viewer. BUNIM-MURRAY! Really? This is lame producing.

Seth Aaron returns and let's everyone know that his model, Valeria, decided to take the DKNY gig afterall:

"Seth Aaron, call me when you get NY after your name."

But my favorite model, Cerri, gets to come back! YAY!

"I hope Seth Aaron gets pale."

Again, we have some pretty exciting stuff happening on the show and A) we don't see any of the conversation between Tim and Seth Aaron, we just hear it after SA has processed the info, we never get to see his original reaction to the news, B) We also don't see any reaction from the models (we have to wait until 11pm which I'm not inclined to do at this point) and C) BORING EXECUTION OF DRAMA! Ugh! So angering!

Sew sew sew... And in another highlight that could have been teased from the top of the season: "Heidi visits the work room for the first time in Project Runway history!"

Heidi: "That's ugly, right?"
Tim: "Yet amusing!"

First up, Seth Aaron. He's making a black gown with Seth Aaron signature touches. Heidi gives the advice: "There's nothing wrong with black, simple and long. But I feel like there needs to be a little more something somewhere." Awesome.

Anthony is making a dress that could double as a black & white cookie. It looks gorgeous (and tasty!). He explains the fall of the dress to Heidi and that it will "move." Tim calls it "potentially exciting"! HAHA!

Kenley... oops, I mean Emilio, is next. He explains how he needs to extend the sequined dress by sewing it on a bias. Heidi yells, "It's going to be very very difficult!" To wit Tim punctuates with, "Mm-hmm!"

Jay is next. He explains the ruffles and Heidi warns him that women don't like to look bigger than they are. Heidi then has to give him an anatomy lesson on boobs since he seems to think there's a large gap between them.

Heidi: "See, these are boobs."

Tim: "I'm going to be sick."

Mila shows her dress to Heidi and worries it's too simple. Heidi says it's not too simple, "But are the other dresses better?"

Jonathan is last and he shows his cut-away fabric he's done, complimented with a coral fabric. Heidi likes the coral, but thinks the cut-away textile looks like curtains. Yeeks. All that time Jonathan put into this effect, down the drain. 8 hours. Gone. But she loves the coral color. Tim reminds him that he has 4 hours to show his versatility after the critique. Ugh. What a stomach punch!

Jonathan explains that the dress Heidi wants would take a week to complete - thank you for saying that!! If only it were a 2 day challenge, maybe he'd have a chance.

The models come in and they calmly react to Maya leaving. UGH. Really? Is everyone on Xanax??

Jonathan starts a second dress... doesn't like it... starts a third dress.

Let's jump to the runway... the rest is just technical sewing and whatnot that is just not exciting at all, even though it should be given the Valeria/Maya exit and the Anthony/Cerri comeback!

THE RUNWAY:

On the runway Heidi introduces Kors, Garcia and their "celebrity" judge (WHY COULDN'T SHE BE THE CELEB THEY WERE DESIGNING FOR???) Jessica Alba:

Jessica: "They just found me shopping in Macy's about 2 minutes ago.

I had nothing else going on, so here I am."

Let's start the show!

JAY:

Jay states as the dress goes down the runway: "I guess I like big butts!"

Heidi loves the corset but the volume on the bottom is too much. Kors reminds Jay that no woman wants to look like she has big hips. Nina agrees that she looks wide when she's a tiny girl. Jessica agrees. I think the whole thing is a disaster. While it's well made, it's got too much going on and not much that's flattering. Despite this, Jay's safe and continues on to next week.

MILA:

OH dear. Who took this picture and thought it was okay to post. She looks like a deer in headlights.. And also, why does she look so WIDE??

Jessica likes the dress and mentions that she wears them a lot (not a compliment to Mila's design as it's BEEN DONE which is something that Maya got knocked for with her elements dress, but Mila escapes the same criticism??) but the bust is too wide. Kors agrees, and so do I. UGH. Awful. Her boobs look like they need a leash. Nina comments that it looks like something one of the Houswives of NJ would wear. (OUCH but HAAHAHAHAAA!)

Heidi calls it simple and not a show stopper. But Mila squeaks by AGAIN and continues on to next week.

SETH AARON:

First of all, anybody else think that Cerri is a combo of Kate Moss & Marilyn Monroe? Seriously, this girl is gorgeous!

Nina criticizes SA for over-thinking the design and that it may not be that flattering on Heidi. Kors gives a backwards compliment about how this dress would be on the girl handing you the trophy, but not on the winner. Okay? I love it, but I know that I would look VERY hippy in it and not in that sexy way that it would look on a curvy gal. Jessica says it's not like a dress she's ever seen on Heidi. (UM, isn't that the point?!) Heidi wants more cleavage and wow. Either way, Seth Aaron is safe! PHEW!

WINNER - EMILIO! (GRR!)

Emilio says he was inspired by the fabric because it looks like liquid gold. And yeah, this will look great with flashbulbs going off around it. I hate that Emilio made a show stopper and deserved the win. He pisses me off so much...

Kors calls it "impeccable" and compliments the styling of the model. (Who does look gorgeous in this dress, but I worry that anybody bigger than a size negative 0 might not look as good in this...) Heidi loves that it's sexy and has an amazing fit. Nina congratulates him on not making this look cheap.

AND THE SECOND WINNER - ANTHONY! (YAY!)

Heidi loves his dress to which Anthony proclaims (in the spirit of Easter), "Oh Jesus." Jessica loves the flow and movement. Kors tells Anthony that he's "finally in your zone!" Nina agrees that its definitely a red carpet dress. And the reason this also wins is because Jessica would like to wear it. GO ANTHONY! Cover of Marie Claire and a dress on the red carpet. Outstanding! Welcome back!

AUF'D... JONATHAN:

Too short, too sloppy and FABULOUS SHOES! Jonathan explains that this is the third dress, which explains why it looks rushed. Kors says you can see it. Nina hates the colors and tells him that it won't photograph. So Jonathan is out... I get it. Jay and Mila's were tailored better than his... Sigh...

MODELS OF THE RUNWAY: Uuuuuuuuuuuuughh. Cerri is cut again. BOOOO!

******

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Project Runway Blog...

2010-04-03T23:57:00.000-04:00

... will get posted on Monday. This weekend is being spent with my family!

I have a lot to say about this past episode. So hang tight. I'll come out of my candy coma by Monday afternoon or so. Maybe. Unless I quit and leave my name tag on my dressform. Like people do.

Until then, make it work!